AIBU to feel angry at school?

[TwinkleTwunt]

Would you be angry if you had signed a permission slip to say that you would drive your 9 year old DD to a match at another school - only to arrive at school, to find that DD had already left, and been allowed to go in another parent's car to the match?

The teacher who organised match wasn't at school that afternoon, and so no one else really knew what was happening.

HT rang me next day, and explained that DD's teacher had told the team the day before, they would all travel in this one parent's car, and so they should let their parents know. HT said that as DD was in Yr 5, the teacher assumed she was responsible enough to pass on messages to home.

Obviously, DD didn't tell me.

HT then went on to say, that she and the teacher had questioned DD, who said she hadn't known about the travel changes. Her teacher insisted DD had known because she had been present when the team were told. DD kept repeating that she hadn't know (knowing DD, she probably wasn't playing attention), but then eventually she admitted she was lying.

The HT said she, and the teacher, then told DD off for lying, and that this was serious as it could get the school into trouble. HT told me that DD had been very upset, but everything was fine now. And, that now they knew DD was forgetful and unreliable, they would take more care in future.

When DD came home, I tackled her and she got very upset again, and isnsisted she hadn't known and had only admitted to lying, because the HT and teacher kept saying that was what she was doing, and she just wanted them to stop and to get out of the HT's office.

Whether DD was/wasn't lying or whether she did/didn't know isn't really the point is it?

I just don't think the school relying on 9 year old children to pass on important information is either safe or sensible -and I think it shows poor safe-guarding procedures. The school have both mine, and DH's mobile numbers and emails, and obviously our home phone number - so can't understand why they didn't confirm anything with us.

Neither was it explained why, if the teacher who was in charge of it all, wasn't at school that afternoon,no one else has been designated to be in charge of the team/transport etc.

[nancerama]

I work with grown adults who can't be trusted to remember simple instructions unless they are written down. I think it's pretty poor they didn't send a note home.

[MrsMushroom]

It's bad of them. Our school has a tendancy to rely on parents driving teams around and it's not good imo. Too much margin for error.

If I were you, I would write a letter or email and tell them that DD was pressured to admit to lying...and that in future, you want a note home or a txt message about any changes that are made.

[blackeyedsusan]

did you give permission fo herr to be transported in another car?

i would email the school saying you are concerned about their communication. nice and polite at this stage, though i do have concerns about he being taken in anothe car when you had not signed a permission slip. cheeck the small print on the stuff you have signed.

[TwinkleTwunt]

No, I hadn't given permission for her to travel in another car. I'd ticked the box to say that I would take her - I wanted to, because usually I'm working and thought I could help for once (I also ticked to say I could transport another child, if needed).

[Justforlaughs]

I'd be furious if the school allowed my DC to travel in another parents car without my express, written permission to do so. If the permission slip you signed did NOT cover this then they are in the wrong and I'm guessing they know it, hence trying to throw the blame onto your 9 year old. Reassure your DD that you are NOT angry with her and point out to the school that you expect written confirmation of ANY changes to arrangements in future.

[Andro]

I would be firmly and politely communicating my concern that my child had been permitted to travel with another parent, without the school seeking my explicit consent. I would also be expressing concern that such a significant change of plans had not been communicated to me officially either by an adult or by a letter (with accompanying permission slip).

[LittleChimneyDroppings]

I wouldn't be happy. Unless they had heard it from you, they shouldn't think its suddenly ok and you had changed your mind.

[thebody]

Understand your being pissed off. I wouldn't want another unknown parent driving my child either. The teacher drives the children in the school bus to matches and if there are too many of them another teacher drives. That's fine as I know and trust the teachers.

I think here you said that you ticked the box to say you would drive another child if needed and this other parent did the same and so drive your dd.

I think the school need to beef up their their safe guarding proceedures.

Put it in writing that you do NOT want other parents to drive your dd unless its an emergency and then leave it.

You will never know if dd lied/ got mixed up so I wouldn't mention it to her again.

[CartedOff]

That sounds like a really horrible and intimidating experience for a 9 year old. Whether or not they did tell her, it was wrong to corner her in an office with two adults who then tell her off until she said what they wanted.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

HT said she, and the teacher, then told DD off for lying, and that this was serious as it could get the school into trouble. HT told me that DD had been very upset, but everything was fine now. And, that now they knew DD was forgetful and unreliable, they would take more care in future

Sounds like arse covering to me. I'd take a dim view of 2 adults hauling my DC to the HT's office and pressuring her into calling herself a liar. Wonder if they actually at any point just asked, TwinkleTwunt's DD, were you just daydreaming and not listening properly?"

9 year olds don't always have the confidence to stand up to staff or pupils' parents so she'd have meekly fallen in with the majority.

The teacher who organised match wasn't at school that afternoon, and so no one else really knew what was happening In a nutshell, that was the issue.

I'd say to DD, listen to your teachers in future, Mum's not cross with you it was a worry but next time school will let Mum know arrangements by text.
Then I'd make sure school kept their promise.

[CartedOff]

Exactly Donkeys. All they cared about was covering their own arses, even at the cost of bullying a pupil into saying what they wanted.

[Fillyjonk75]

Completely agree. The school have acted poorly, YANBU.

[mummytime]

I would request a meeting with the SENCo to discuss my child's processing issues, and how the school were going to deal with her issues dealing with verbal instructions. But then my DD does genuinely have issues with verbal communication, the secondary school have been great about it; Primary didn't seem to take it as seriously.

[TwinkleTwunt]

At first, I wasn't sure what to make of it all. And, I'm sorry to say I sort of blamed DDs for not paying attention and thereby causing the confusion.

But, the more I think of it, the more annoyed I get. I have mentioned it to 2-3 friends, they are quite and concerned that the safe-guarding procedures were so lax, and that the teacher supposedly responsible for organising the whole event wasn't even present in school that afternoon.

Also, I just think a HT and a teacher berating a 9 year old to the point she was in tears, is just wrong. DD hasn't told me, but her friend confided in me that the teacher had said to DD 'Stop being a cry-baby'

I think the HT knows the school didn't have a leg to stand on - and was frantically trying to cover their backs - very sadly, at the expense of my DD being reduced to tears, and labelled a liar, unreliable and forgetful

It doesn't help that the teacher in question is notorious for being quite arrogant, and would never dream of apologising or admitting she was in the wrong (this is the opion of several people who work with her).

The joke is that I'm the least precious parent going, never take umbrage at anything the school does/says, and I've never been one of those parents always striding into school and calling the shots.

I've always been impressed by the school - but now I feel really, really disappointed and rather contemptuous of people that I did have a lot of respect for

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Stop being a cry-baby.

After that, I'd feel a phone call or letter coming on.

[thebody]

Stop being a cry baby is a shocking going to day to a child.

Bully's. yes this isn't on.

[LittleChimneyDroppings]

Stop being a cry-baby

hmm, I would be having strong words. Breaking their own safe guarding procedures and then picking on a kid to cover their arses, instead of admitting they were well and truly in the wrong.

[TwinkleTwunt]

Mummy I know what you mean, except of course this isn't about my DD's ability to communicate, it's really about the school's ability.

DDs teachers are always full of praise for her behaviour, saying how lovely, helpful, and obliging she is. She's one of the clever ones in the class and very articulate. But, she is only 9 and can be quite forgetful.

But, there are plenty of children in the school who are just as forgetful - and I really think the onus is on the school to provide fail-safe, effective procedures, and not to rely on young children being responsible and organised.

[EssexGurl]

DSs school are VERY into personal responsibility and so something like this would happen. I am part of a group of mums who regularly check in with each other when events are happening to make sure we are still "on message" as things do slip between the cracks. DS is year 3 and they would definitely expect him to have passed on such a message.

[chocoluvva]

Personal responsibility for yourself is great - ensuring you have your kit/homework etc. But in OP's DD's case she was being held responsible for doing something the school should have done. If the message was so important that failure to pass it on would result in being shouted at,it should have been delivered by the school.

[TwinkleTwunt]

I have written a letter to the school informing them I am uncomfortable with how the situation was handled. I have said that I'm under no illusions about DD being perfect, but that I don't think her behaviour is the issue, and that she has been let down by safe guarding procedures that should protect a child from their own fallibility. And that surely this is why school's give out permission slips to protect against exactly this sort of thing from happening.

[Andro]

I'd be interested to know their response Twinkle.

[Cherriesarelovely]

I think the point is also that they should not have changed the arrangement without contacting you. Not just for your info but for your consent. The way they have acted after the event IS arse covering on their part at the expense of your Dd. To accuse her of being a "liar" is outrageous. I understand how you feel very let down. We had a similar incident at Dds school after years of no problems at all. Fortunately, after we made a robust complaint it was dealt with very well and we and Dd were offered very sincere apologies. Don't let this go OP, YADDDDNBU.

[ENormaSnob]

Yanbu at all.

I would be spitting mad tbh.

[ihearsounds]

I would be pissed because I didnt give consent for my child to be another persons car. I dont know if that person has proper insurance to be transporting a team around. I would also want to know how many were in that car. I would want to know about relevent crb checks, and a trusted parent is not a good enough reason. I would want to see their safe guarding policy, becuase their policy seems shite.

THey are trying to cover themselves, but regardless they have failed because htey did not have your consent and possibly other breaches. This needs to be addressed properly.