ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
to want nothing more with my inlaws after the way they have behaved?(34 Posts)
I feel like my inlaws are the most selfish, self centred , horrible people and I would cut them out of my life in a heartbeat if it weren?t for the fact that this would impact on my husband/kids.
MIL in particular is awful- a controlling and critical social climber who has no interest in her grandchildren ( on the very rare occasion that they?ve helped out with the kids she ?for example- just goes out to play bridge for 4 hours and leaves FIL to look after them.) He, incidentally worships the ground she walks on and this is part of the problem- she is basically a 70 year old SPOILED BRAT. She has lived a very comfortable life, not worked for 40+ years and pretty much had the gardners wife bring up her own 3 kids ( oh and sent my husband to full time boarding aged 7 to a school 15 mins away from their home).She has been indulged in every way and has basically done little with her life- from what I can see , and what I have been told, except socialize and be the village queen bee- everyone loves her as she IS very good in social situations. Her family however do acknowledge how difficult she can be, but seem to accept it anyway.
Anyhow the trigger to this posting is the fact that they return in 2 weeks from NZ where they have spent the last 3 months (as they do most winters), We are currently living in their house-AT THEIR INSISTENCE- as we recently moved to their area for my husbands work, having sold our house .We had a rental lined up but were told that we couldn?t possibly waste the money on that and that we had to move into their family home of 40 years. My gut instinct told me this was a terrible idea but I relented as my husband quite liked the idea of moving back to his family home and saving the money whilst I ,7 months pregnant and looking after a 2 yr old frankly didn?t put up enough of a fight and there did seem some logic to it as they were going to live in our holiday house in NZ/we would be paying the bills on the house here/their gardener etc so they would also save some money and know their house was ok. Therefore the arrangement could be seen as being mutually beneficial.
Problem is that as soon as they are back ( oh they also moved a lot of their stuff into a flat we have above my husbands business as part of the arrangement so they wont actually be living WITH us, thank God, until we have bought somewhere- we are furiously house hunting right now) that we will have to start socializing with them again/ they will be popping around every day or 2 probably to check on the house/garden like they did just before they left for NZ).
Anyway I am just so angry with them and have been fuming for months due to their appalling behaviour while I was pregnant/ after our 4 month old was born. There are many examples eg 5 days after I gave birth they arranged a house viewing(they want to sell the place) ? without even asking us. When we asked if it could be postponed we were told no it could not. 3 days after the birth they turned up drunk at the house demanding a lift to their friends house. No actual interest in their grandchildren whatsoever (actually maybe a little from FIL but none from her).
We were also sat down and told we weren?t being? grateful? enough for being able to use their house while they were away. She has slagged me off to half the village, saying that most of our possessions are ?tat? and should just be thrown into a skip. She sulked and bitched to everyone she knew because we didn?t give them the Olympic tickets that we got in the lottery, (we had already given them as a birthday gift to my parents the year before when we got them) ? which was apparently a sign of our lack of gratitude. She did NOTHING to help me/us- struggling with a house move/2 year old in the last few weeks of pregnancy and first couple of weeks after the baby was born when I could have desperately have used the odd couple of hours of them enterntaining the 2 yr old, having none of my own family closer than 2 hours away. They drive around to houses that we are viewing-unasked- and then bang on and on for weeks about why we cant possibly buy any that weve mentioned that we like and then find others that are unsuitable and will not let up about those and why we should buy them, in a patronizing and insulting way, as if we are retarded. I could go on..(even more!)
Anyway I am just SO angry with them and know I need to get over it for the sake of the rest of my family but would be quite happy never to see them again.
AIBU to want my husband and kids to see them without me ( I could just go out each time). I know that this would upset my husband but I really have had enough. I mooted the idea of confronting them about their behaviour but my husband says that it is pointless- his mum will just cry and play the victim whilst taking nothing on board of what has been said and his Dad will just back her up this is what has happened every time in the past. I really do HATE her!!!!!!
I can understand your being upset, I think the whole thing has been made worse by your living in their house. If the MIL is 70 she'll never change her ways now, so accept that she's spoilt and doesn't understand, and don't go about trying to change her. But change the contact you have and move out so that you can run your own life on your own terms. Be clear about your boundaries without being aggressive. You don't have to see your inlaws when your DH and children do if you don't want to. But don't expect them to look after your children, look for that type of support elsewhere as your MIL isn't going to give it. You have enough on your plate at the moment so spend your energy thinking about how you can make things easier for yourself and your immediate family, and forget your expectations of your inlaws as it'll only lead to anger and disappointment.
I can't see that she's done anything that bad really I have read far worse stories on here !
there are worse MIL's out there, trust me! Dont know how youd cope with my MIL if u think thats bad!!
YABU - you need to appreciate what they have done for you and move out. you can't take from them and expect to give nothing in return. stand on your own two feet.
I think your level of anger and annoyance is extremely unhealthy. Nothing you have written about her is really beyond the pale, is it? She is clearly a person who is not that interested in children and you have to learn to accept that. She sounds a bit overbearing but you need to find a sensible way to cope with that without seething with anger or trying to cut your dh off from her.
This just seems to be an essay on how to successfully paint yourself into a corner, resenting the fact that in a clumsy way people have tried to help you.
All the decisions seem to have been made for your own financial gain so it seems that getting some grief is just the cost of doing business.
To answer your question, I think YANBU to go out when they come over as you are clearly very, very angry.
I'm guessing you are angry for reasons other than those you've posted about, because you don't make them sound that bad. They don't seem to be very interested in their grandchild; not ideal but not a crime. They let you use their house, which is kind, though less kind when they expect gifts to prove gratitude.
You sound like you should:
1) Move into rented accommodation until you find a house to purchase. PIL are living in the flat above DH business - an you not move in there?
2) Stop telling them any details about your house hunting!
3) Take a deep breath and accept they aren't going to be the kind of grandparents you want them to be.
I think it's probably sensible that your husband and DC see your PIL without you there until you've sorted yourself out.
You sound ever so slightly unhinged. You have been fuming for months about your PIL, when they are on the other side of the world? Your post is full of such vitriol aimed at your MIL but I can't see that she's done anything that bad.
You need to find a healthy way of accepting and dealing with your PIL before this starts to cause problems between you and your DH.
And your use of the word 'retarded' is just vile.
YABVVVVU for using the word 'retarded'.
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