to ask for some persepective? ( long and about family)

(69 Posts)
lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 11:00:17

I will try to keep the long story short, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest, I considered speaking to a counciller but then I thought you guys would be better smile
I have lived with my partner for 10 years and we have 4 young dc. Through various stages of our relationship we have wanted to marry. Each time met with horror from my parents. so we have put it on the back burner, done other things like mortgage etc with our money.
Anyway now we are both approaching 40 and desperatley want to get married. Nothing flash. Registry office followed by hall reception with a casual buffet. No speeches. (due to my Parents previous horror)

I spoke to my mother on the phone 3 days ago to say this was what we had decided. All fine on the phone. (too easy, I thought!)
Next day phone goes = Rant "why are you doing this to me?" You know I am ill. ( Hyperthyroid) I cant stand to have to be nice to people, Everyone will be staring at us, looking down on us etc etc. We wont come then you can do as you want.
Not content with that she phones back and tells me that she knows I wasnt at work the other afternoon when she babysat!? (I dont know were she thought I was) and that I am deceitful and have an evil party spirit. She tells me that she is heart broken that I am not the same person, and that I am wordly, and that she has tried and has now given up on me. I will always be part of their family and will never be anything different.

My dad then takes the phone to tell me it is pointless having a big wedding as we have had children and been together 10 years and we should go to gretna of just go to the registry office with just myself, partner and witnesses.. We dont really want this and feel this will upset my partners family. (who are normal)

I am swinging from furious to hurt to confused. I dont know what to do. I imagine we will have to call it off. The thought of having to explain this to our guests. Or am I being wicked to ask mum who isnt great, but equally not terrible to come to my wedding??
I havent spoken to them since. I have nothing to say. Help....

Pigsmummy Thu 07-Feb-13 17:48:00

Get married, your way, they don't have to come

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 15:28:59

Thats very helpful Greensleeves. Its not my fault ! Thank you! You are totally right about my dad, I can see that clearly now. How awful.

Greensleeves Thu 07-Feb-13 14:53:49

(can you tell I cut contact with my mother a few years ago? Life began at that point...)

Greensleeves Thu 07-Feb-13 14:52:55

I think you should go ahead with your plans and make your wedding day the happiest it can be for you and your dh

Your mother will either decide to swallow her bile and come to support her daughter, or she won't be able to and will miss out. This is sad but it is not your fault and not your problem.

You are doing nothing wrong. Your dad's comments are totally irrelevant as his only motivation is enabling your mother - he is making his own life easier. Also not your fault and not your problem.

Easier said than done, but you need to detach your own emotional state from your mother's behaviour. See your wedding as a marker of a new chapter - cut the strings once and for all - she is using them to control you and make you miserable. You have your own family. If she can't behave like a human being then she can't be a part of it. Her choice.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 14:46:33

I cant tell you both how much it means to know I am not the only one dealing with this sort of crap -
Age is teaching me more confidence and that in turn is showing me how messed up things really are!
I love my parents and this behaviour is heartbreaking - but want no more of this in my little families life.

Oh, yes - the always being judged! People will look at you if you do that; people will notice if you eat another biscuit and think you're greedy; everyone will think you're a horrible little girl; people will think you're dirty because your nails need cutting...... there was always something that everyone else in the world would despise me for.

beaker25 Thu 07-Feb-13 14:01:40

lotsofboats glad it helps! My DM sounds v similar to yours from what you've said. I’m sure people won’t gossip on the day. I was also worried about this though so I started telling close friends ahead of time so that they wouldn’t wonder where she was on the day. In a way, I’ve found that very helpful, as a lot of my friends had no idea about the relationship between us, because I’d never said. People have been very supportive, now they know, and I kind of wish I would have been up front about it sooner. It is hard to start with though, telling the first couple of people was very hard.

I think sometimes you try and push these things to the back of your mind and pretend everything’s normal, but an event like a wedding really brings it out in the open. It is difficult, but keep talking and sharing with people.

Does she have a diagnosed mental health problem, and is she in the system in anyway, i.e. is her GP aware? (Don’t answer that if you’d rather not!)

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 13:26:41

Thank you BaronessBomburst. I think I may now wish I hadnt put all this out. I am finding it horrible to read it all back, in black and white. Its actually real, and time to admit it to myself and deal with it. I guess that means apologising for and excusing her. I think thats another of mums little gifts to me, always thinking I am being judged .. smile

But it wouldn't become gossip on the day. I typed out a long reply to you earlier on the thread but then didn't post because I felt it was too personal to me. But, basically, my DM is also very religious and has issues about many things including marriage. I was just upfront with DH's family from the beginning, and any friends who may come into contact with her, and just say, please excuse my DM but she's bonkers and a <insert name of religion here> and it's always been fine. People won't gossip about something that is out in the open. Besides, they'll be more pre-occupied with your wedding. Her views will not in anyway reflect on you!

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 13:06:34

beaker25 Thank you for sharing that with me - I am not alone! smile
Yes I am feeling all those things you say, and my partner is horrified by it all.
I think because its our wedding I dont want to be explaning this madness to people and for it to become gossip on our day, and for her to have that influence iykwim. I hope people will be understanding. I am pleased to hear your carring on and I feel more and more inclined to as well!

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:57:11

LoopsInHoops - I think it a huge mental problem, thats got worse over the years and she needs medical help. I am thinking perhaps I should call g.p. but dad supports her in any behaviour and she presents quite well, until you scratch the surface.

beaker25 Thu 07-Feb-13 12:55:31

Lotsofboats, I feel for you. Currently having some similar issues with my DM and my wedding in June. Originally, she wasn’t going to come and I did worry about telling people about it, and worried that it would look weird. I ended up just being honest with people and saying ‘yes, DM won’t be coming, she’s a bit bonkers and she doesn’t want to.’ Everyone I told was lovely, shocked, but really supportive and lovely. I’m sure the same will be true for you when/ if the time comes for explaining.

DM has now changed her mind (for about the fifth time) and will be coming, but we’ll see about that!

I had worried that people would judge me and assume that I hadn’t invited her or that I’d made her feel she wasn’t welcome, but no one seems to think that (or they didn’t say it to my face if they did!) I don’t know if that’s something you worry about?

A thing I find is that lots of people have opinions on how things between daughters and mothers and families in general should be, and people can seem a bit judgemental of that if you can’t conform to the norm for some reason. It can be difficult as there’s such a big deal around mums and daughters and weddings. I’m glad your partners family are more normal though. My DPs family are also normal(ish) and have been massively supportive even when my own family are being nuts. Support through your DP and family is a massive help I think, and I’m sure they will help you have a lovely day. Good luck!

LoopsInHoops Thu 07-Feb-13 12:47:11

Do you think they might be suffering from agoraphobia?

thegreylady Thu 07-Feb-13 12:44:10

Just do it.Invite them and tell your dad you would like him to walk you you down the aisle but if he doesnt want to it would be beautiful to go down with two dc on either side smile
Your mum sounds unhinged to me.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:40:36

foofooyeah - Thanks, I would love to just do that! I could just do that, couldnt I !!
They tell me I shouldnt spend our hard earned money on feeding people at the reception and buying drinks. We have bigger priorities for our money like the children and home.
We are not wealthy, but think we can run to a buffet and hall reception..

I think my dad helps fuel it, I think they wind each other up tbh.

StuntGirl Thu 07-Feb-13 12:39:07

Are you bloody mad woman? Get married however and whenever you like, have a fab day and let them do what they want. Seriously, don't let them control you for a second longer.

Someone will always have something to say about other people's weddings. Ignore them and get on with it!

foofooyeah Thu 07-Feb-13 12:33:50

Without seeming rude you are nearly 40 and your mother is plainly bonkers! She says she doesnt want to come, so have a lovely ceremony with your ffffffriends grin and dont invite your parents

Dont even tell them. Just wait for it to come up in conversation and say 'Oh yes we got married - knew you werent keen'

LabelsGalore Thu 07-Feb-13 12:31:05

Look this is your life, not your mum's or dad's, just YOUR life and the one of your DP and children.

If you two want to get married, then just do so because the people it will impact on are You and Your DP, not your parents.

By any mean invite them, just know that they might refuse to come (Who on earth would refuse to come to their dd's wedding? confused).

When I got married, we had some issues with some members of the family who decided that they would not come because of XX. I think this is something that happens in a lot of families. Just a shame we are talking of your own parents there sad

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 12:29:20

I feel sorry for your Dad as well. He sounds very downtrodden and brainwashed.

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 12:28:49

She sounds toxic. I think that word gets woefully over-used on MN but in this instance I think it is probably appropriate.

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:22:03

attheendoftheday - I seriously wish I hadnt!! But then that would have been wrong too I imagine..

They sound unhinged. Don't call the wedding off. Do you have to invite them?

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:17:11

PureQuintessence - Your totally right! and I am embarrassed - I am (unsurprisingly) quite shy, and cowardly. but I know I probably need to walk away for good here. Its a destructive relationship smile

lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 12:12:46

I am glad that the general concenous is that she is mad - trust me, having it in my life (and this is only the latest in a long long line of things) I begin to question myself lots and think I am mad or bad. I feel bad for mentioning this all to her with her thyroid problems and perhaps she genuinly isnt up to it, but its all wrapped up in the other crazy stuff. I've gone Gah gah confused

ENormaSnob, she doesnt really like children, so they dont see much of her. occasional babysitting (daytime only) if I am really desperate.

DoIgetastickerforthat Thu 07-Feb-13 12:06:28

Have the wedding and a good old knees up afterwards and just lie to everybody and tell them your parents have gastric flu but didn't want you to cancel. Blushes saved and everyone happy <contemplates own evil spirit>.

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