AIBU or is my daughter?

(178 Posts)
Regbooboo Thu 07-Feb-13 00:27:28

DD has a very heavy cold and is feeling rough. Grandson aged 9 months is also poorly with a cold. DD expects me to go to hers and look after the baby while she is feeling crook and I would be happy to do this but a I have a dog who isn't used to being on his own for long periods.

My DD lives approx a 1.5 hours journey from me ( by train and bus). I would need to leave home at 8 to get there for 9.30 and leave again at 1 to get home for 2.30 leaving the dog for 6.5 hours. My son-in-law gets home around 5. I asked why he couldn't have a few days from work but she said he wouldn't get paid if he rang in sick and only has 20 days holiday per year.

She was being quite arsey on the phone and said I put the dog before her and GS. I am really not I love them both to bits. I said if she could manage to drive over she could go to bed here and I would care for DS but she said she felt too ill. She out the phone down on me without saying love you like always and I feel really bad. AIBU and should I just leave the dog? My husband would be mad if I left the dog (he and my daughter don't get on - he's her stepdad) and I do realise I am pathetic.

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 22:06:34

She´s not a "kid" though, is she?

Perhaps your husband doesn´t really hate her but rather the way she treats you.

Why do you feel like shit for not going over when she has a cold & a husband who was able to help?

She's being unreasonable to ask you to help if she really does just have a cold but you're being unreasonable to use the dog as your excuse. I suspect she'd be less pissed off if you had just said no rather than saying you had to be back for the dog. When you visit her do you often leave to get back for the dog?
I ask because my parents are always fretting about the dog, my mam's not even nice to it but she won't ever put it in a kennel or leave it for more than a couple of hours so if my parents visit me they come seperately. On my wedding day they left early "to get back for the dog" and they don't take the dog with them because "he hates the car". Not saying you're like that by the way! Just that I can understand why she may have got a bit arsey!

Mumsyblouse Fri 08-Feb-13 21:51:53

I think your OH is the problem here, what do you mean he says he hates her?

Your dd was being unreasonable, but I do understand where she's coming from, my mum did come over quite a few times (slightly shorter journey, about 45 min either way) to help when I was ill. She didn't get sick though, I don't know why everyone thinks a fit 50 year old would get sicker than a young mum whose immune system is shot through/exhaustion after birth (I had sooo many colds after my children were born, it took about 5 years to get my proper strength back) and a tiny baby who is going to get tonnes of colds whilst immunity builds up.

It would be nice to be able to help out if you could, so perhaps planning what to do with the dog/staying with them would be kind (although obviously not obligatory). Your husband sounds like he won't like this though.

Regbooboo Fri 08-Feb-13 21:43:53

... majority of Mums would put their kids first

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 21:39:13

But your daughter is an adult.

She can´t expect you just to jump when she wants.

You both have your own lives now.

Regbooboo Fri 08-Feb-13 21:26:46

Yes, thankfully I do get to see my grandson quite regularly. DD still of maternity leave and comes once a week and my OH doesn't mind me going to her place and staying overnight on a Fri or Sat. Thankfully Som in law came home early from work and had the baby all afternoon, evening and through the night. DD feeling a bit better today. Although still feeling guilty and have told DD I will do my best to help out next time she needs me by either leaving home early afternoon and staying overnight and leaving very early next morning. After reading some posts I really don't want her to feel second best. Very upset with OH as he told me he hated her - think he does realise if push came to shove he would be second best - I am being 100% honest and think the majority of mums would out their kids first (whether they are reasonable or not) because mother love is the only true love at the end of the day IMO.

redlac Fri 08-Feb-13 14:30:35

If the DD's DH work is anything like my DH's work they don't even get the statutory holiday entitlement and if they phone in sick they don't get paid and generally the bosses are arseholes.

Its only a cold she has - I wouldn't dream of expecting my mum to come and help me when I had a cold for the reason that mums always takes a cold worse than the germ spreader and why would I want to make her life miserable?

Lollydaydream Fri 08-Feb-13 14:08:27

If you can't leave the dog do you ever visit your grandchild?

LtEveDallas Fri 08-Feb-13 13:41:52

OPs first post says

"I asked why he couldn't have a few days from work but she said he wouldn't get paid if he rang in sick and only has 20 days holiday per year"

Same holidays as OPs DH I expect...

AmberLeaf Fri 08-Feb-13 13:32:42

Maybe the DDs DH can't take time off?

diddl Fri 08-Feb-13 13:16:06

No he´s not unreasonable in that way.

We have a dog on the grounds that I look after it-but my husband will step in when necessary-as in a case such as this.

Although of course, if husband would need to leave work so that dog could be looked after so that OP could go to her daughter whose husband won´t take time off...

kitsmummy Fri 08-Feb-13 13:11:10

Op, YANBU. It is not reasonable to expect you to do 1.5 hours on 2 forms of public transport, especially when you can only stay for a few hours anyway.

The point is that your DD's DP should be the one taking a day off of work. Who cares if he loses a day's leave. It sounds like he's the prick in this scenario.

LtEveDallas Fri 08-Feb-13 13:02:04

By having a dog and insisting you are there all the time to look after it, your hubby is controlling you

Eh? RTFT Yfronts. The dog is the OPs - the husband didn't want a dog in the first place. Hardly controlling to insist she is responsible for something that she wanted.

Yfronts Fri 08-Feb-13 12:55:02

By having a dog and insisting you are there all the time to look after it, your hubby is controlling you.

Yfronts Fri 08-Feb-13 12:53:26

it sound like she has flu by the way and not a cold to be that desperate for help.

Yfronts Fri 08-Feb-13 12:52:02

Isn't there someone who can walk the dog for you?

Dottiespots Fri 08-Feb-13 12:48:02

BTW Splash....that whole post was NOT directed at you. Just the first line or two. The rest was just my general ramblings. To be honest I think all single parents should be very proud of themselves as they cope alone with everything and its got to be one of the hardest jobs in the world.

Dottiespots Fri 08-Feb-13 12:46:02

Splash......but you coped didnt you.I know its hard when your unwell but we all feel like we could do with some help but we cope the best way we can. Thats what I did as my parents live in Australia and inlaws lived 8 hours away. You just get on with it the best you can. I was more fortunate than you as I wasnt a single mum and had my husband but he works shifts but he was there to help when he wasnt at work. The OPs daughter has a husband also. I really feel its so very unreasonable to put the OP in this position. Her husband and her dog are her priorities now. She has raised her children herself and probably done a very good job and it is now her turn to enjoy her life and relax a bit and she shouldnt be made to feel guilty because her daughter cant cope. And her daughter has no right to cause tension between OP and her husband. Its just not fair. Grandparents are not there to be used at your beck and call, they are not daycare providers nor always available babysitters. They have hopefully a long time left on this earth but it is now their time to relax after all their hard work childrearing. Yes Im sure she would help out a bit if daughter lived closer and would enjoy helping but she doesnt live near. Its just a cold and who would look after her mother if she got the cold or worse. Would the daughter travel every day to help the mother and look after the dog and walk it and feed it? I dont think so.

splashymcsplash Fri 08-Feb-13 12:20:30

Reading this I am not sure what I think.

I had flu, single mum, no one else to ask, and I asked my mum to help with my baby (around a year old then), she refused even though she lived less than an hour away. Being reminded of it still makes me hurt. I was so sick I could hardly stand up and just had to put dd in front of cbeebies all day as I could do nothing. Of course dd wasn't happy with this.

thefarmersintheden Fri 08-Feb-13 11:18:13

Guidance on maximum hours a dog should be left alone from pet welfare organisaions here

No longer than 4 hours, in summary.

MrsKoala Fri 08-Feb-13 11:08:53

That's weird, I read the first page then he last, but appear to have completely missed the middle of he thread. Apologies. Ignore me if what I've said is irrelevant now!

MrsKoala Fri 08-Feb-13 11:06:07

Goingback - my understanding is that includes bank hols, so 20 days + bank hols is the norm.

I disagree with those saying it's just a cold btw. I am suffering from a heavy cold ATM, I have a 5mo, have been sick for a week. It has hit me worse than norovirus a couple of months ago. At least that only lasted 3 days. A week of little sleep while looking after ds and feeling ill is really torturous. If my mum could help I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask. Also mum has dogs and leaves them occasionally for longer than that, they are fine.

Yanbu to say no, it's your choice what you do, but it doesn't sound very kind. If I could do it for someone, I would.

pictish Fri 08-Feb-13 10:49:59

Well if she won't have the dog in the house, then you couldn't go.

I am definitely NOT one of those dogs = babies fruitloops, but the fact is, many dogs DO become distressed being left alone for hours on end, and part of being a responsible owner is to accept that responsibility. Having a dog IS a huge undertaking.

If the dd wants it all her own way with no compromise or concern for her mother's responsibilities then she can do one.

needsadviceplease Fri 08-Feb-13 08:16:18

Yanbu to say no - but if you can't leave the dog for more than 3hrs, do you ever visit your dd and dgs? confused

I really don't think 1.5hrs is such a long journey.

I know my mum would do it - reading this has renewed my gratitude.

cory Thu 07-Feb-13 23:41:24

shemademedoit Thu 07-Feb-13 06:49:36
"Why does your daughter want you to get her cold? I'd actively discourage visitors if I was sick. "

This. Colds are often much worse for middle-aged/older people to get over. I wouldn't want my mum around if I had a nasty cold which I might give to her.

Also it seems there is back story here, if the OPs OH has constantly been irritated by a dd who bosses her mum (making her take clocks down in her own house) one can see why he is short on sympathy.

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