ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
AIBU or is my daughter?(178 Posts)
DD has a very heavy cold and is feeling rough. Grandson aged 9 months is also poorly with a cold. DD expects me to go to hers and look after the baby while she is feeling crook and I would be happy to do this but a I have a dog who isn't used to being on his own for long periods.
My DD lives approx a 1.5 hours journey from me ( by train and bus). I would need to leave home at 8 to get there for 9.30 and leave again at 1 to get home for 2.30 leaving the dog for 6.5 hours. My son-in-law gets home around 5. I asked why he couldn't have a few days from work but she said he wouldn't get paid if he rang in sick and only has 20 days holiday per year.
She was being quite arsey on the phone and said I put the dog before her and GS. I am really not I love them both to bits. I said if she could manage to drive over she could go to bed here and I would care for DS but she said she felt too ill. She out the phone down on me without saying love you like always and I feel really bad. AIBU and should I just leave the dog? My husband would be mad if I left the dog (he and my daughter don't get on - he's her stepdad) and I do realise I am pathetic.
If it's a new dog or a dog that has literally never been left alone for a long time, though, they can be a bit unpredictable. If they need the toilet and they don't know when they can expect to be let out again, you'll end up with a mess to clean up, and some dogs can be go a bit mental and knock things over and basically trash your house if they start to panic that you're not coming back. Obviously, when you get a dog, you should get it accustomed to being left alone for reasonable periods of time to avoid these things when you do need to go out, but if OP hasn't done that then obviously it's a bit late now.
If OP is only reluctant to leave the dog because she's worried about what her husband might have to say about it, however, then that's another story. He can't expect you to never leave the house, and he definitely can't expect you to choose dog-sitting over taking care of your daughter and grandchild, however badly they get on.
I agree Tortoiseonthehalfshell, some of the names the dd has been called, just for asking for some help is ridiculous!
My MIL would be here in no time if I needed her. Even when my dh took a week off work to look after me post op (tubal ligation) MIL cooked meals & bought them over. It's helping out, it's what families do.
I'm not getting why the OP's DH doesn't look after the dog for once.
It's a dog. . As long as it's got shelter, food and warmth, it will be OK.
I would walk over hot coals for my DC. (as would most people).
I don't think there is anything wrong with asking your Mum for help, even if it is just the sniffles.
You get back what you put out.
My Mum recently fell and broke her hip and has been in and out of hospital for the last few weeks. There has not been a single day when she has not had at least 2 visitors. We took the kids there on Christmas Day because she couldn't be at home with us. My MIL came over early to cook Christmas Dinner in my stead so we could all go and have a visit/some presents with Mum and then home for lunch and visiting with the rest of the family. No-one did any of this stuff because we had to or because anyone expected or demanded help, but just because we are family and love each other.
angels yes the dog will be fine, I was thinking more about the OP and her house if it shits on the floor or knocks over her ornaments or something, if it's never been left alone before
What is your dh worried about when it comes to leaving the dog alone, OP? Does he seriously think it needs 24/7 company? Or is he just trying to stop you going out or spending time with your daughter?
Meh, lock it in a bathroom with a couple of water bowls, some food, a bed and plenty of newspaper down.
It won't be happy, but it is a dog.
What has happened to dogs?! Is like helicopter pet owning!
Morlorth I was saying the daughter IBU because she got arsey. Nothing wrong with asking, but if the other person says they can't then you have to accept that. Especially for a cold, they're going to have a cold in the house every other week during winter for the next 5-10 years.
Yeah, but there is background isn't there? The OP mentions that the StepDad and the DD don't get on.
And the OP said she couldn't because of the dog that is pretty crap, as I said, I have no idea how I would react if my Mum said that, because she just wouldn't because I am more important than the dog. Of that I am 100%, the DD here isn't sure of that is she? No wonder she is arsey.
Why can't the OPs husband look after the dog for the day? Does he want to split the OP from her DD and GC? Sounds odd to me.
it's a 3 hour round trip though?! I wouldn't ask the, because of I did my mum would do it, we live a similar distance apart.I've had flu and struggled on, yes families are there to help, but she's not there really is she? She's an hour and half away,I'm all for putting a rocket up daughters husband to take a day off?!
Even the long trip was put into terms about how it would inconvenience the dog, not that it would be a hassle for the OP.
Shrug, Mum would come. If I called her and said I wasn't well and either of the DS's wasn't well. She would come. Would I ask if I didn't really need her? Well no, but she would definitely come.
There was a tussle between the women in my family over who was going to fly to London from Sydney for a few weeks to look after me when I had DS2. I guess we all view these threads through our own experiences.
agree with Morloth. she is your DD, and 1.5 hours really is not too long of a journey time . go, and enjoy the time with your DD and DGC. it does sound to me as if YABU to worry more about the dog than your child. can you put him/her in kennel overnight or with a friend and go for a couple of days? (ie to make the journey more worthwhile). also your DD might be getting upset due to past history with your DH? at times of being ill / tired these emotional histories always rear their heads. it sounds as hough she is sensitive to the thought of not being important to you.
a lot of the posters here sound unkind. I too don't have family near me but my dad recently travelled ~250 miles ie ~500 mile round trip for a couple of days to offer emotional support when was knackered with DD1 (no cold, just exhausted!). didn't ask him to but that was the lovely thing, didn't have to. also consider your DD may have other things going on and be hoping for the chance to have a good chat with her mum.
It would depend on whether your daughter is in the habit of ringing you up to come and help out, or if she only phones if she really needs your help. She might feel really crappy and need you there.
I remember once feeling so ill I could barely drag myself out of bed, I had a baby of a few months and a 2 year old to care for, and quite honestly I just wanted them to go away! I rang my husband in tears, who immediatly rang my mum, who came to look after the kids whilst I went back to bed. I couldn't have coped that day without her, but didn't want to bother her so didn't ring.
You know your daughter, do you think she really needs you?
As for the dog, its a dog, I'm sure it will be fine for a few hours, and your husband's reaction shouldn't even come into the equation.
Do you ever go and see her for the day or would it be unusual?
If it weren't for the dog would you go?
my commute to work is an hour and a half each way. I would go and help, personally. I have been ill with a baby and it is tough. Otherwise you are just attachment parenting the dog!
Do what YOU want. Don't let your H push you around. Did you want to be a full time dog-sitter, or agree to his when you got it?
Many people, myself included, have done that sort of journey on a daily basis, no biggie. YANBU, but in your place I would go.
I think YABU.
Your daughter phoned and asked you for help and you arent going because your husband doesnt want the dog left alone.
Nah. If I was your DD I would be fucked off too.
I was 3 months pregnant, I had a 13 month old baby, I had flu, my husband came down with flu. One phone call and my parents who lived 2 hours away were with me in less than 3 hours.
YABU. I would have been devastated if my mum had refused to help because of the dog. I really don't understand your priorities.
So, I take it you'll never be wanting help from your daughter either. You'll both just do your own thing? Weird to me.
You should do what you want of course, and daughter will be fine. I can see why she feels put out if she always comes after husband and dog though.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
YANBU to not want to leave the dog and make this journey just because your daughter has a heavy cold.
However I am getting the feeling that the family dynamic is affecting your daughter's behaviour. It's reasonable not to want to leave a dog alone because its a bad idea. It's not reasonable to base your decision on your husband's anger levels.
Dogs should not be left alone for longer than 6 hours
She has a cold
She is a mother
Like many of us she'll just have to get on with it unless you decide to take the dog with you
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