Pissed off with my husband AIBU??(32 Posts)
We're all supposed to be out for my best friends birthday and I just don't look forward to going out with everyone as a group.It starts off fine but once the alcohol kicks in,it goes downhill from there.He changes and acts like a stranger.He will be the very last one standing and if I'm not there he wouldn't make it home I.e will drink and drink until he is incapable of talking/walking.Then when we do get home I'm on toilet duty to make sure he gets to it safely and not in the corner of the room.Our night inevitably ends up in an argument where I'm begging him to come home with me.I would like to just leave him where he is but I don't know what sort of trouble he'd get himself into.I suggested to him that I go on my own and just have a night out with my friend and enjoy myself properly.He was not happy and said he knew that I was going to suggest that and said we should just go out for a meal ourselves.I would like a night out on my own though.Other than this he is a great father,we are not getting on well though lately and I'm feeling down about the whole situation.This is my first post and I hope you can help put things into perspective for me.
Eurgh, op, I completely share your pain. My dp is a complete twat when drunk and I've more than once had to stop him pissing against the radiator (and all over MY bookcase once!) when that drunk. He's also ended up with a massive black eye (fighting with a bouncer), taken cocaine (I found out from his sister, who took it with him) and spent the night in the cells (twice - that I know of). He gets verbally abusive and we're now at the point where I hate, hate, hate his 'quick point after work on a Friday' but he deserves it cos 'he's at work all week'. As someone who rarely drinks (and even then only a glass of wine) it's all the more irritating. The latest thing (two Fridays in a row) was coming home drunk - and bringing a friend back with him, also drunk, continuing with cans in the kitchen - and once telling me I was making his friend uncomfortable as I was being unsociable!!! All this and we have three kids asleep upstairs. So yeah, you ADNBU. He's a twat.
I've often wondered what men like this would do if you filmed them being so obnoxious? I think they believe they are the life and soul of the party.
It seems like both of you need to learn to control your use of alcohol. If you were to go on your own why would you get back sufficiently (even if only a little) pissed and hung-over such that HE would have to ferry the kids about on HIS own the next day. Clearly neither of you have a sufficient filter when it comes to alcohol. You should be able to set an example of getting back not pissed/hung over such that you can still participate fully in family life.
YANBU. He is BVU. He has a problem with drinking to excess and it needs to be addressed. You should not put up with being treated like your opinions and feelings are less important than his need to get so unreasonably drunk. Horrible of him to treat you as if your feelings do not count and spoil every single night out you have together.
Have you told him what his behaviour is like on a night out? Or the reason you don't want him to come out for your friend's birthday? One of my friends has a dp who used to be a horrible drunk. He said nasty things to people & made her cry lots of times. She told him that she didn't want to go out with him if he was drinking because of his behaviour & he had a near miraculous turn around. He now drinks normal amounts if they go out together & manages to behave himself! X
Wasn't having a pop at you but it seems this might be the tip of an iceberg, don't let me put words in your mouth but you said
we are not getting on well though lately and I'm feeling down about the whole situation
which makes me think there's more to it.
He may not expect it, but he doesn´t bother to stop getting so drunk so as to save you the bother, does he?
I never saw my parents drunk & our children have never seen us drunk.
Maybe a bit giggly!
I just don´t see the point of all that money spent & then you can´t even remember if you had a good time the next day.
or if you were a complete arse
He wouldn't 'expect' me to do it.Its either go and manoeuvre him towards the toilet or wake up to a wet patch of carpet or sodden curtain.He has no recollection of it in the morning.I have spoken to others and it is not as uncommon as you think.Still awful though.
We both come from families where alcohol abuse is the norm.Perhaps I am enabling his behaviour but I don't know what else to do.
Why would an adult expect a spouse to do toilet duty? I've never heard of that in my life. Why would anyone do it? It seems weird. Why facilitate the wrong doings of others? I am sure there is a psychological concept of enabling and helping a person with a problem/addiction to continue in it - co-dependence is perhaps the word. I think you make him worse by in a sense allowing what most wives would not allow.
You have my sympathy - my DH doesn't go out that often but when he does he's an idiot. He's got better over the years and he generally behaves better if I'm out. In your situation I would just go without him. He needs to truly understand the misery he causes you and you deserve to enjoy yourself without him being a liability in the background. Don't feel guilty, just do it. It's one night. He must go on nights out without you? Good luck - I know there's nothing worse than seeing a normally good bloke obliterated because he doesn't have an off switch. It's even worse when it's your hubby!
"It's not reasonable to demand that he gives up now"
Actually, OP, yes it is. Just because you've always known he does this from time to time (and you enable him to continue it to some extent because you make sure he gets home, and does the toilet duty) doesn't mean you can't get to a point where you say "I've had enough of this, I don't have to live like this!"
Do you want your child/children to see their dad in that state every now and again when they get older? You say he turns into a "complete arsehole" and that his behaviour "leaves you cold" yet you regard him thinking he can behave like this and make you feel uncomfortable on at least an occasional (if not regular) basis makes him a good husband?
My dad very rarely drank more than two pints on a night out. One night at his brother's 40th he had a little too much cider. He wasn't rude or unpleasant. I had just passed my driving test, got my first car, and drove my parents home. I was worried he was going to throw up in it! He got home and spent most of the night in the loo, with mum doing toilet duty for the first time in over 20 years. I kept hearing him throw up. He's never touched a drop since.
For some reason took a while to post so big x-post!
"This is how he's always been" No, it isn't too late for him to change his behaviour, you're right he has to want to. In the meantime you don't have to tolerate it. Letting off steam is one thing, getting into that state another. Money is tight, he has 3 DCs and a loving wife but apparently that doesn't stop him being an arsehole. Why would he if you toddle home with him and be on toilet duty.
My worry would be, what if the gaps between getting paralytic shorten and he starts drinking at home not just on nights out.
Chaotic that is exactly what will happen.We have two childrens parties to attend and I know that if we both go out it will be down to me to get them there and he will be too ill to go anywhere.Whereas if I go out on my own I will be back at a reasonable hour-a little pissed and hungover admittedly.He could then take them but I would feel guilty for going out,spending money on a night out on my own and then he is spending his saturday ferrying the kids around.I feel as though I can't win.
Reading this back I can see that I am not being unreasonable but when you're in the thick of it it is so hard to see the situation as it really is
If money is tight, how can he afford to get so drunk?
Why don't you go on your own to your best friend's birthday bash and then, with the money your dh would have spent on booze, have a wee night out on another occasion for just the two of you.
Somehow I don't see him agreeing to this
If you are short of money and he is fed up there is no better time ever for him to stop drinking entirely. It would save money and alcohol is a depressant so is hardly likely to make him happy.
If he wants to get drunk he can stay at home drinking alone.
You could say if he will claim to be driving and drink water you will go with him. if not then you will go and stay only until 10pm or 11 or whatever. If he wants to go home with you then that's fine. If later then he will need to find another way home.
Then leave him to find his way. You are not his mother and he's an adult. If he knows you will not bail him out then he may be more responsible.
If you end up home first just go to sleep and do not speak to him until morning even if he wakes you up when he comes home.
If money´s tight-doesn´t he need to stay in & look after the children??
Jesus-it´s your friend & he´s a bloody embarrassment by the sounds of things.
Doesn´t seem like a good anything to me!
If he manages to manipulate you into letting him come with you and the inevitable happens, wait until he goes to the loo and ditch him. You don't have to put up with it and I imagine your friends are not happy with this scenario either.
This doesn't sound right, you are apprehensive already and sounds like it's become a habit. Whether it's this occasion or the next, you shouldn't have to put up with that behaviour. Does he put away pints because he thinks that's what men do, is he the life and soul of the party when he gets drunk or does he get more maudlin? Does he justify it to you later as 'deserving some fun'? Is it 'just' at weekends, is he fit to work or drive next day? Has his drinking 'socially' always been a problem like this or is it relatively recent?
Sorry to bombard you with questions. Whether or not you have children together he shouldn't get into a state where he can't even make it to the bathroom in his own home.
Could you buy his drinks all night and make sure they are all alchohol free lagers?
Just tell him outright 'no'
YANBU Why shouldn't you go out by yourself for your friend's birthday?
Next time you go out with him go home by yourself and leave him to get himself home. If he ends up spending the night in
the gutter police cells because he's got into a fight then it might just be the wake up call he needs to realise he has a drink problem and he does have one if he can't go out without getting paralytic.
He sounds extremely selfish to me. I bet he spends the next day in bed as well, leaving you to do all the childcare.
Tell him you want a night out with your friends on your own. Tell him he's a bad drunk and you refuse to be his babysitter. ?You do not have to be responsible for him.
And he can fuck off with his 'let's go for dinner' instead. You can do that another time if he really wants to. You're allowed to see your friends and he has no business trying to stop you. It sounds like he's trying to sabotage your night out.
We are supposed to be going out as a big group with partners and husbands in tow.He is usually the kindest,caring husband and is happy for me to go out on my own.Money is extremely tight though lately and we have 3 children so its not something we do very often.He has been down lately and I know would love a good night out to let off steam but I know what this inevitably leads to.He gets so drunk I can barely even look at him.The kind sensitive person I know disappears and he just turns into a complete arsehole.This is how he has always been and I am under no illusions that he can change his behaviour now.He has given up in the past but I know it isn't reasonable to demand that he gives up now.He needs to do that himself and I suppose I just get on with it as he is such a good husband and father.It sometimes leaves me cold though.He is 38 btw.
Does he believe his behaviour is acceptable? There is a huge difference between getting a little bit drunk and maybe needing a bit of help to get home, and being so pissed that you're unable to use a toilet. If your husband can't see this then he needs help.
As for suggesting you go out for a meal together, instead of celebrating your friend's birthday, that just feels odd and a bit controlling. How can you and him eating a meal be celebrating your friend's birthday if she's not there?
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