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To not want MIL to invite herself along to our trip

(106 Posts)
EndoplasmicReticulum Tue 05-Feb-13 22:41:34

I probably am.

We're going to London for boy's birthday treat at half term. Booked two nights, so we're there for one whole day plus two half days.

Planning on doing museums, mostly - boy is 8, never been to London before, and is very keen to go to Natural History and Science.

MIL has decided she's going to come and meet us while we are there (she lives a couple of hours away in the other direction from us). I think she means just for a day. I'm hoping so, anyway.

I am not keen, although I like MIL and we generally get on well she is a "faffer". I have a plan for our brief time in London, and that doesn't include hanging around waiting for her at stations or dithering about in cafes.

I'd never presume to invite myself along to someone else's holiday.

I can't say no though, can I.

(just for the record I'd be equally irritated if my own mother decided to do the same thing).

fluffyraggies Wed 06-Feb-13 09:39:13

toby - why?

malteserzz Wed 06-Feb-13 09:39:38

Let her come she is part of the family after all, I hope I'm welcomed when I'm a MIL threads like this make me so sad for the grandparents

We are going to London soon too. We mentioned the possibility of meeting up briefly to my parents. They have said they'd love to (they are within an hour of London) but not to worry if it doesn't fit in with our plans.

IMHO that's normal.

TobyLerone Wed 06-Feb-13 09:45:02

She's the OP's DS's grandmother (I assume), she'd like to see him on his birthday, and he'd love to see her.

Yet all most of you can do is bitch about her, how 'rude' she is, and how much of an inconvenience this would be.

I hope none of your sons marry people who will be this nasty to/about you.

Really horrible sad

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 09:56:17

I might be a rare person-I´d happily tag along to an already worked out itinerary!

Although would struggle if shopping involved-yuk, yuk, yuk!!

We were in London for a couple of days & everyone chose something.

Bloody daughter wanting shoppinghmm

I mean-what a waste-there´s so much more to do-& it´s not as if you can´t shop where we are!!

So son & I went to the National gallery whilst daughter dragged husband shopping.

fluffyraggies Wed 06-Feb-13 09:58:49

It is rude to invite yourself to something. Family or not.

It's not 'horrible' to lay out careful plans for a trip and not want them to be changed (for the worse) at the last minute by someone else's ideas.

Why the emotive 'bitching' comment? This is a discussion board.

If you go everywhere with your family without an invite then the chances are that some of the time you probably wont be welcome malteserzz.

Yfronts Wed 06-Feb-13 10:09:24

Can you email your plan for the day with expected times and tell her she can just catch up with while you are busy and leave when she wants without disturbing your organised day.

Or could she meet you on the day you do home?

valiumredhead Wed 06-Feb-13 10:18:39

Perhaps your sone would enjoy having his granny there for his birthday treat, I know mine would!

valiumredhead Wed 06-Feb-13 10:18:46

son

HintofBream Wed 06-Feb-13 10:24:00

Our DSs plus partner and DGCs do frequently come on holiday with us because we invite them and we would not dream of expecting them to pay for themselves, particularly if like EndRec's ILs it was something like a villa in France which we would be going to and paying for anyway.

chilliplant Wed 06-Feb-13 10:28:10

The thing is Tobe, that some of us would like to hang out with our own children and husband some of the time without having to invite other people. I really cannot see what is wrong with that. My own MIL wants to be included in everything we do and buy, however only saw her own MIL once a year if that poor woman was lucky.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 10:30:57

Well if the son would like it that´s great as it is his bday.

As long as Granny doesn´t think that´s a red light to invite herself-& be accepted to everything!

An yes, sometimes you want to do things without your mum!

ENormaSnob Wed 06-Feb-13 10:35:25

I really like my mil and her partner and we do lots together inc nights out and weekends away.

The difference is that it's a joint plan from the start.

They wouldn't dream of gate crashing something we had planned, likewise we wouldn't do that to them. Although their valentines meal sounds tempting grin

Same goes for my own parents.

oldraver Wed 06-Feb-13 12:34:08

My Mum tried this recently for my sons Graduation,,she tried to invite herself along even though I had told her many times tickets were limited but she decided she would 'hang about' for us, but wanted to be able to take DS 2 with her rather than him go to the ceremony.

We were slightly undecided as to the actual itinery until we found out the timings and she was trying to organise us to hotels when it suited her. In the end DS was working till 5ish, it was a 5 hour journey and he had the 9am ceremony so that sort of dictated an after work drive to a hotel then straight off in the morning...she was still trying to get us to fit in with her.

She wanted us to use the opportunity to go and pick a case up from her friends who lived another hour North form where we are as "they would love to see DS2". She seemed to totally loose sight that it was DS1 's important occasion.

I didnt even tell her till after the fact that we had stopped at a Motorway services half an hour from her (but opposite direction to where we were going)

BegoniaBampot Wed 06-Feb-13 13:02:01

Must be weird as we even go on holiday with my PIL's and actually enjoy spending time with them. not saying you are being totally unreasonable, just think the whole tone here is sad. dreading being a MIL, especially as I only have sons.

fluffyraggies Wed 06-Feb-13 13:13:47

But no one here is saying they don't ever like spending time with their ILs.

I've been on holiday abroad with mine and it was great. Because it was planned that way. They are welcome to our home, and visit often. They weren't, however, welcome on the boating holiday. They muscled in. It spoiled it for us. Why is it 'sad' to say this here.

If we were talking about DBs or DSs or D cousins inviting themselves along to stuff i don't think there would be anyone saying oh god i hope i'm never a brother, or a sister or a cousin.

diddl Wed 06-Feb-13 13:15:57

I think if you want to do it & enjoy it, that´s fine.

It´s not a norm for us, so I suppose if/when my son marries, then we can´t complain if it doesn´t become a norm for them either!

Hopefully though, we have a better relationship than my husband does with his parents!

Inertia Wed 06-Feb-13 14:21:22

I think your plan to say 'we'll at at the science museum from x time to y time, ring us when you get there' is ideal. Do not agree to any faffing/ meeting elsewhere/ change of plan!

Kat101 Wed 06-Feb-13 14:35:55

I would put her off. Nicely but firmly. With something like "we really feel that we'd like to stick to our original plans and arranging meet ups and accomodating a 5 yo are just not going to work on this occasion. Why don't we all meet up on saturday xth march at the zoo / soft play etc?

Always offer an alternative, it will refocus her mind on a future meetup.

I wouldn't go along with how it is now, but then I'd be quietly seething and resentful and it would spoil the weekend for me. it is important that you as DS's mother are respected as your needs matter too. Weekends cost a lot of money and the time is precious, don't compromise it, offer her an alternative instead.

I've had years of IL-pleasing and I've come to the conclusion that sometimes its ok to put my own family's needs first.

EndoplasmicReticulum Wed 06-Feb-13 16:23:10

Tobey - I have not bitched about her. As you can see from my OP, I said I'd be equally miffed if my mum had done this. Or my brother. It's not that it's MIL, it's that it's rude.

As a mother of two boys, I have already said I'm adding it to my list of "things to remember not to do when I'm a MIL"

She means no harm, she just doesn't think.

Oh and those who mentioned cousin wouldn't like it - he'll love it. Boy is obsessed with dinosaurs, so we'd probably plan Natural History when/if they come. I'm not sure I'd muscle my boys in on cousin's birthday treat though. MIL will also leave him with us while she goes shopping / for cups of tea. So we'll be looking after an extra, essentially. Although I'm sure MIL hasn't actually asked BIL and SIL (nephew's parents) if he's free for this jaunt, it may be that they have other plans for him over half term. Hell, perhaps they'll all come.

Husband also assures me she would only be coming for a day / half day and would not be expecting to stay over at our holiday apartment. I hope that this is the case, but have a nagging worry...

2rebecca Wed 06-Feb-13 16:36:44

You just say no to the holiday apartment and that maybe another time you'll invite her to join you but this time there isn't room. Why is saying no to her so difficult? Worrying she may ask to stay with you is pointless. if she asks say "no we just booked it for the 4 of us, maybe another time"
With people who have brass necks you just have to be brass necked back. There's no reason to feel upset at saying no to her. I wouldn't discuss where you are staying with her and if there is any spare space don't tell her.
This isn't being unpleasant it's just trying to have the weekend break the 4 of you had planned, not the weekend break someone else wants you to have.

EldritchCleavage Wed 06-Feb-13 16:59:03

I think MIL should be able to ask, and you should be able to say no, without offence on either side. That's what happens in my family:

"Ooh, can I come?"
"Well, no, we just want a nuclear family outing. "
"Fair enough, I might go later in half-term."

etc. But OP, you'll never get to that stage with MIL unless someone actually speaks to her about it. I do feel a bit sorry for her-tactless perhaps, but she'll be with you all day not realising she's put her foot in it but probably sensing it's not entirely comfortable. Just tell her.

Kat101 Wed 06-Feb-13 17:39:20

If the BIL and SIL haven't yet been asked then its your golden opportunity to get in first and postpone MIL and the cousin til a later occasion. Don't give up, relent and resent. You'll feel so much better if you regain ownership of YOUR weekend.

EndoplasmicReticulum Wed 06-Feb-13 17:43:02

Eldritch - she hasn't asked me, she has said to husband "oooh we'll come and join you" and he hasn't had the heart to say no, especially now small cousin is involved. If she'd spoken to me on the phone first I may have deflected her.

I don't think I can say no now. But I feel it's taken a bit of a shine off our first trip as I'll be worried about it being spoilt by the dithering. If we were going for a week I wouldn't have minded so much about a wasted hour or two.

usualsuspect Wed 06-Feb-13 17:50:09

I agree with Toby,

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