To be utterly horrified and disgusted at my brother!

(204 Posts)
FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 13:55:55

Long story with so much background that it would be the length of War and Peace if I was to include it all! Basically my DB has been married twice and has a child to each marriage. His eldest DC lives some distance from him (think complete opposite ends of the country) involving a plane or long train journey.

He still keeps in touch with his DC1 and has her every school holiday and would be excellent at paying maintenance and would send pocket money and contribute extra towards school trips, uniforms and new shoes/clothes. However his second wife does not have a good relationship with DN and has said publicly that she feels it is disruptive for her and their child when she visits and she resents the amount money my DB contributes towards DN. MY DN1 and DN2 don't appear to have any kind of relationship and blatantly ignore each other when they are together.

So there is some background information. Cutting to last night when DN1 was admitted to hospital with a life threatening condition. She is absolutely terrified and is asking for her father (my DB). My DB is refusing to go as he has apparently no money and SIL has said she will not loan him any as she can't spare any (they have separate finances, DB pays the mortgage and bulk of household bills whilst she covers things for herself and their child). My DM has stepped in and said she will pay the airfare but DB has said that SIL is not happy for him to go and he must respect her wishes!

To say I am boiling with rage is an understatement, how anyone could treat their child inthat way at such worrying time is beyond me. Incidentally,I have taken emergency leave and got MIL to help out with my DC's so I can go tomorrow to see DN. So AIBU or should I just mind my own business?

fuzzpig Tue 05-Feb-13 14:57:54

That is horrific. Lost for words TBH.

good for you for going to see her though. at least she'll know someone cares

bleedingheart Tue 05-Feb-13 15:03:09

I am aghast!

I hope they see this thread! What kind of parent wouldn't go and what kind of parent wouldn't 'let' someone go?
She has a daughter herself and can't empathise? What an utter, utter disgrace!

I'm so glad you are able to go OP, you are well within your rights to tell him how upset and let down you feel.

LtEveDallas Tue 05-Feb-13 15:11:00

How old is DN1? If she is a teen your brother can expect for her to NEVER want to see him again. In fact, if I were her mother I wouldn't ALLOW her to see her father again. His lack of action in this case would be a complete dealbreaker for me. Spineless wanker and a poor excuse for a father.

(I'm sorry OP, I know he's your brother, but this is just awful)

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 15:24:29

I don't agree with not calling SIL out on this. I'd be telling her EXACTLY what I thought of her vile behaviour. The fucking evil bitch.

He is a terrible father and a very weak man and I'd struggle to have anything to do with him after this, OP. if I was your sick niece's mother I would not be sending my child to spend school holidays with them, they all sound awful. You, on the other hand are really lovely.

Your mother must be disgusted with her so , that is her grandchild he doesn't appear to give a shit about.

JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 15:25:07

*with her son, not with her so.

whathellcall Tue 05-Feb-13 15:35:04

Agree with jinglemum. Sil and your db are both a fucking disgrace and I'd feel obliged to tell them so angry

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 15:39:58

Sorry was away doing the school run, wasn't expecting all these replies. Have spent the day in tears of worry, frustration and rage. DB always used to be lovely, his divorce left him with a certain amount of bitterness and SIL is quite an angry, ranty and selfish person. Think a culmination of these things has had an effect, believe me he was brought up better than this. My poor mum is in bits, she has actually told me she is ashamed which is a big thing for my mum to admit as DB always used to be put on a pedestal!

Have just sent the following text, I know I'll get flamed for not speaking to him but honestly don't trust myself given the state I'm in-

DB, I really don't want to cause an argument as that is the last thing we all need. However I think you aren't grasping how serious this situation is and how much your daughter needs you, she is beyond terrified. I fully expect to see you there tomorrow.

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 15:41:03

Oh and DN is mid-teens.

ENormaSnob Tue 05-Feb-13 15:45:14

I agree they need calling on it.

Not sure I could speak to them after this though. They are disgusting, both of them.

LtEveDallas Tue 05-Feb-13 15:45:53

If he doesn't go OP, your neice will never recover from that. She will never forget that her father LET HER DOWN when she needed him most. I am so, so sorry this is happening to her.

I hope beyond hope that your DN pulls through and is well enough to give your brother a bloody good right hook.

Well done you for going. You may not be her dad, but it will mean a lot to her. I'm glad you can support your DN and ExSIL when they need you.

Saski Tue 05-Feb-13 15:59:12

I think you could probably do your twatty SIL a big favor by telling her exactly how vile she is. She might be so thick that she doesn't know.

HoleyGhost Tue 05-Feb-13 16:06:04

Good text. gets the point across without giving him a chance to get defensive

hope your dn makes a full recovery

EasilyBored Tue 05-Feb-13 16:09:25

Your SIL is an atrocious cunt and your DB needs to grow a pair and be a good father. Your DN might never forgive him for this, I hope he can see that.

I really hope your DN is OK. She's lucky to have other people who care about her.

NikkiH Tue 05-Feb-13 16:17:58

Hope your DB realises the error of his ways, goes promptly to his daughter's side and DN makes a full and swift recovery.

GilmoursPillow Tue 05-Feb-13 16:20:26

God what a sad thread!

I'm so glad you're going, I hope your brother wakes up and goes too.

I have everything crossed your niece makes a full and speedy recovery.

UC Tue 05-Feb-13 16:23:54

Appalling. A life threatening condition, and her father's wife says he can't go. That's disgusting. And he has given into that? He needs to wake up - his DAUGHTER may not be around to forgive him, could he forgive himself?

I hope your DN is all right, and pulls through. If she doesn't, your DB will have to live with the guilt. I can't imagine his marriage surviving that.

Good for you for going. I hope you are all ok.

whattodoo Tue 05-Feb-13 16:24:01

As others have said, your DN and her mother will never forgive him for this.
And I suspect, in his heart of hearts he will never forgive himself or his wife either.

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 16:24:02

Right Ok, situation has taken a turn for the worse,which I had wanted to avoid.
Just had SIL on the phone shrieking shouting at me to mind my own business and how dare I guilt trip her husband into doing what I wanted. I kept calm and told her that the situation was serious and my DB needed to be with his child.

At this point she screamed that her husband had priorities here that he couldn't drop every time his ex and his daughter were being drama queens! At that she put the phone down.

You can guarentee that that piece of shit is well truly dead to me. Never willI utter another word nor be in the same room again.

Let's hope that DN can see that myself and my parents truly care and always will.

HecateWhoopass Tue 05-Feb-13 16:26:18

So his child might die?

And he won't go because his wife won't 'let him'?

He is a, well. I don't actually have words for what he is.

And her? You don't marry someone who has children if you can't accept that they have children.

I wish this young girl well. Hope she recovers quickly.

She will never ever forget that her dad wasn't there for her when she needed him the most because he chose to be with a woman who would be happy if she was wiped off the face of the earth.

manticlimactic Tue 05-Feb-13 16:27:44

Well lets hope you SIL is never in the same situation and arguing the toss about priorities with their DC sad

HecateWhoopass Tue 05-Feb-13 16:28:44

no father should ever have to be 'guilt tripped' into being with his child when they have a life threatening illness.

It shouldn't take more than the words "life threatening" to make a parent leg it to the nearest train station

What kind of scum would just sit there, bleeting about being made to feel guilty?

cocolepew Tue 05-Feb-13 16:29:25

Horrendous behaviour.

I hope you DN makes a full recovery, at least she can count on you.

Andro Tue 05-Feb-13 16:29:37

OP, I really hope your DN makes a full and speedy recovery and I'm sure she'll appreciate you visiting her. I shudder to think of the damage this will have done to her relationship with her father, but in truth he will have brought it on himself.

Please let us know how your DN is if at all possible.

BigAudioDynamite Tue 05-Feb-13 16:31:33

I agree with jingle. Someone needs to tell SiL to fuck off. I'd be tempting to go and knock her out, so brother can her on his way to the hospital.

What affect will it have on DN2, to see that dad isn't visiting his other dd when she is so ill??....will that angle work on her?

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