To be utterly horrified and disgusted at my brother!

(204 Posts)
FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 13:55:55

Long story with so much background that it would be the length of War and Peace if I was to include it all! Basically my DB has been married twice and has a child to each marriage. His eldest DC lives some distance from him (think complete opposite ends of the country) involving a plane or long train journey.

He still keeps in touch with his DC1 and has her every school holiday and would be excellent at paying maintenance and would send pocket money and contribute extra towards school trips, uniforms and new shoes/clothes. However his second wife does not have a good relationship with DN and has said publicly that she feels it is disruptive for her and their child when she visits and she resents the amount money my DB contributes towards DN. MY DN1 and DN2 don't appear to have any kind of relationship and blatantly ignore each other when they are together.

So there is some background information. Cutting to last night when DN1 was admitted to hospital with a life threatening condition. She is absolutely terrified and is asking for her father (my DB). My DB is refusing to go as he has apparently no money and SIL has said she will not loan him any as she can't spare any (they have separate finances, DB pays the mortgage and bulk of household bills whilst she covers things for herself and their child). My DM has stepped in and said she will pay the airfare but DB has said that SIL is not happy for him to go and he must respect her wishes!

To say I am boiling with rage is an understatement, how anyone could treat their child inthat way at such worrying time is beyond me. Incidentally,I have taken emergency leave and got MIL to help out with my DC's so I can go tomorrow to see DN. So AIBU or should I just mind my own business?

Bakingtins Tue 05-Feb-13 13:57:56

YANBU. Poor DN. Hope she makes a full recovery.

skullcandy Tue 05-Feb-13 13:58:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowtimelikethepresent Tue 05-Feb-13 14:00:42

You are of course not being unreasonable: have a safe trip to see DN and I really hope she has a full and speedy recovery.

Your DB is of course being an arse and a prick of the first order but I really don't think you can do anything else...in your words, yes you should mind your own business, apart from telling him (maybe just the once ) that he is being a prick and an arse of the first order and that he is colluding in his wife's atrocious behaviour.

Your poor DN!! Your brother is a disgrace quite frankly, an under the thumb prick who needs to grow a pair.

I hope she is ok.

Asamumnonsense Tue 05-Feb-13 14:04:05

No, YANBU! and it is your business. If his child is in hospital with a life threatening condition, I would talk to him. I have 2 brothers with children and one separated. If they behaved that way I would be disgusted too and would tell them. Good for you for going to visit. It is important for your DN to know that she still has a family despite her parents separation...

bigbluebus Tue 05-Feb-13 14:05:17

Your brother needs to grow a backbone. He has as much responsibility towards DC1 as DC2. The only circumstances under which I think it would be acceptable for him not to go to DC1 are if by coincidence DC2 or his DW were also seriously ill at the same time or he was too ill to travel.

StickEmUp Tue 05-Feb-13 14:15:55

You must support your children even if you have another marriage(s).

Who could honestly prevent her DH from seeing a child he had had previously and sleep at night. sad

Disgusting behaviour.
YANBU

..and what a horrible woman his wife must be to be arsy over him seeing his ill DC........

BarbarianMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:17:04

YANBU! And I think you should tell him so. Probably not a good idea to say anything to his cow of a wife.

If my dh ever tried to stop me going to my sick child's bedside it would be divorce time.

When you say he would be excellent at paying maintenance etc, I assume he actually is paying?

MaxPepsi Tue 05-Feb-13 14:18:29

Your brother is a cock.

Your SIL however is an evil bitch.

My DH would be sent on his way to see his DD before he'd even finished the phone call!

ENormaSnob Tue 05-Feb-13 14:25:43

Your sil is an absolute cunt.

Your bro is a pathetic spineless prick.

Poor dn sad

Nancy66 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:28:06

what if she dies - and that areshole never went to see her? How will he feel.

I hate hate hate parents that put their relationships before their kids.

OHforDUCKScake Tue 05-Feb-13 14:30:45

SIL is a bastard. A sick one at that.

Your brother needs to grow a fricking back bone. His DD1 wont forgive him for this and I feel very sorry for her having to spend all her holidays with her step mother.

FamilyTroubles Tue 05-Feb-13 14:32:14

Barbarian Yes I meant that he is excellent at that side of things, would never dream of not contributing.

SIL is an extremely insecure and jealous person and has banned my DB and DN1 just doing things on their own when DN1 visits, DN2 always has to be included. When she pg with DN2 she effectively banned DN1 from staying at their house on access visits as she was too tired so my DM had her.

She also does not want my DB meeting his ex wife alone as she is convinced ex sil will make a play for DB, which is laughable as they HATE each other, had a very acrimonious divorce and can only communicate by text or email these days. My DB had been divorced 4 years when he met his current wife.

LetMeAtTheWine Tue 05-Feb-13 14:32:44

That is terrible! How would your current SIL feel if the situation changed, your brother met someone new having split with current partner and new partner then said he 'couldn't' see his children from either of his previous relationships, illness aside (which is obviously terrible) it is an awful thing to do.
Both your brother and your SIL are an absolute disgrace. I don't think I could hold my tongue if I was you and would definitely have something to say to him. Such a shame for his daughter sad

JeezyOrangePips Tue 05-Feb-13 14:34:28

YANBU.

Your sil should try and think about how she would feel if she was the ex rather than the current, and it was her child lying in hospital with a spineless ex that wouldn't stand up for her daughter.

Your brother needs to grow a pair.

MimiSunshine Tue 05-Feb-13 14:42:32

You are right to feel everything you do about this situation. And you would be absolutely right to say something.
If you, his sister, aren’t close enough to point out that not to go would be the single biggest mistake he could make then who is? Well his wife probably.

I think a simple phone call, very matter of fact saying ‘your daughter could die, I’m on a flight [insert time and date] and I expect you to be on it with me. Wake up and realise the reality what that means when you say you can’t go because you have to respect your wife’s feelings.’

If he starts excusing her attitude then just say ‘none of that is relevant, likely or more important than being with DN1 right now. Get your priorities in order .’ Then put the phone down.

LetMeAtTheWine Tue 05-Feb-13 14:46:16

Yes, do what MimiSunshine said.

imogengladhart Tue 05-Feb-13 14:47:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tailtwister Tue 05-Feb-13 14:48:02

He has to go, his child is asking for him. Your SIL is behaving appallingly and your DB not much better. How dare she think her wishes trump the needs of his child! I wonder how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot? If I were you I don't know if I could bring myself to speak to her again.

Call him and tell him to get up to his daughter now, no excuses.

pigletmania Tue 05-Feb-13 14:51:39

My goodness what a disgrace your db is, an your sil is a nasty piece of work.

TheOriginalLadyFT Tue 05-Feb-13 14:52:00

Feel for you - I have this situation very close to home, and the wife of man involved is a lunatic control freak, and goes out of her way to limit man's contact with the child involved. Is totally sickening, and both are at fault. Vile

DreamingofSummer Tue 05-Feb-13 14:53:37

your brother needs to grow a pair

what mimisunshine said!!!!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now