My MIL and her wanting a certain amount of days with my child...

(147 Posts)
JingleMum Tue 05-Feb-13 13:43:31

Hi,

Firstly a bit about our relationship; she's a lovely woman, we don't have much in common but we are family and I love her (she gets on my nerves occasionally as do all other members of my family) So no bad blood between us etc...

Ok, my DD is 3, so not a baby, she loves her Grandmother and likes spending time with her. I work 2 days per week and DD is in Nursery.

MIL usually rings me (on the day) and asks can she take DD for the day, usually if we have no plans she takes her, if we do have plans I say no but you can have her another day. She rang me on Sunday said "I feel like I never see her, so I'll take her on Tuesday for lunch, then also Friday and Saturday" This pissed me off, she does this quite a lot, one day isn't enough for her, but bare in mind my mum works full time so I have to factor visits in to my Mum with DD and also my Dad (they are separated) plus I want my own precious time with DD when I'm not working.

Spoke to fiancé about it, he of course immediately defends her and believes that because she doesn't really have friends, and because she doesn't work and is not in the best of health that she should be entitled to take DD whenever she asks. hmm He said I'm jealous because my mum works and he is correct about that, I don't want his mum to hog her, I want my mum to have equal time, I can't help feeling like that?

It caused murder between us, and this happens every couple of months when she tries to take DD a lot.

I feel once a week is enough, and basically that's what is happening. My maternal feelings go crazy when she wants her more than one day, it doesn't feel right and I don't want her too.

AIBU in putting my foot down and saying "No" next time she asks for her more than once a week. She gets bored and I think she wants DD to be her hobby, but it doesn't sit right with me. Fiancé has now listened to my reasoning and has calmed down and is happy to go along with what I decide.

JingleMum Tue 26-Feb-13 15:43:09

Just bumping this rather than starting a new thread.

I'm not well, look like shit, aching all over, headache etc... Decided DD and I would have a DVD day (it's been about 6 months since we've done this) shock

MIL rings and says "I'll come up for the day" as FIL is here helping DP with insulating our loft. I didn't want her to come, I look & feel disgusting, and whenever she comes DD won't keep still, is so loud, wanting to play etc... I told MIL how I was feeling and said "I'd rather you left it today, but how about Thursday?" She agreed...

Low and behold she has turned up, making sandwiches, DD is now bouncing off every wall, my head is splitting with the noise. We were having a lovely cosy day before she turned up.

What the fuck? I love her, really do, but what's she doing? Any suggestions at to what I do here?

I would ask her nicely why she came anyway. Make her feel awkward. I know exactly what you mean about the kids going mad when gp around. It's not right.

Also I would start another thread then link to this one. As loads of people are going to just read your OP>

what happened anyway regarding the original post?

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Feb-13 15:59:42

Agree with Hairy - take her to one side, ask her why she came anyone once you had said no, say you don't understand why she bothered asking if she was just going to ignore what you said.

Say it's not a help, she's made today harder for you - that you don't want to fall out over this but she has upset you.

She has to see that her behaviour effects you - you are so worried about not hurting her, you need to point out to her (and your DH) that her behaviour is hurting you.

hermioneweasley Tue 26-Feb-13 16:03:41

She asked, you said no, she ignored you and came anyway. You are allowed to 'call' her on this and say it's not ok

JingleMum Tue 26-Feb-13 16:17:47

Thanks guys,

Regarding original post, I started calling her usually on a Sunday and saying we are busy all week besides "such a day" would you like DD then?

I'm car less at the moment & she knows I'm stuck in more than usual and I don't seem to be able to get rid of her.

msrisotto Tue 26-Feb-13 16:21:16

Why are you being left to deal with this on your own? What about her son?

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Feb-13 16:22:41

so tell her she's upset you! Ask her why she came over anyway when you asked her not to - state that it's made today harder for you (so she can't pull the "oh dont be silly, I'm happy to help" - it's not a help and you have to be clear to her you don't see it that way)

Yes she'll get upset, but you are upset now. She's upset you and will continue to do so. Your feelings are valid.

Samu2 Tue 26-Feb-13 16:23:46

YANBU. I wouldn't want my child to spend three days with anyone unless I was working. Once a week is a lot and I think you have been very kind to allow her to take her as much as she does.

Just seen your update. Your MIL sounds like she is very lonely and at this point I would get your husband to sit her down and have a word with her. It isn't acceptable for her to come round when you have asked her to leave it. She may be genuinely wanting to help but she needs to respect that no means no.

I hope you feel better soon.

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Feb-13 16:26:11

BTW - in my experience, when men have been conditioned to tip toe round their mothers (or other people in the family) to avoid them getting upset, the only way to make them think about your feelings is to get upset too - don't try to be calm, reasonable and the better person. Make them see that they won't be avoiding upset by tiptoing round hard work person, they'll just be moving it elsewhere. So in your case, cry. Great big sobs. (IF yor MIL was the type to get angry, I'd suggest getting shouty).

(I recognise this is petty, but sometimes petty works)

cavaqueen Tue 26-Feb-13 16:29:50

take dd into your bed and watch something on the laptop together
that's very rude of MIL and is crossing a boundary
Are you sure she didn't text DP to ask if she could drop by to get her own way?

LittleEdie Tue 26-Feb-13 16:31:29

Wow. I think you'd be perfectly justified in being angry and asking her to leave. Be rude. I would.

AllThatGlistens Tue 26-Feb-13 16:41:56

Honestly, stop agonising over it and tell her! You're not well and you want a quiet day with your DD.. You are allowed to actually say that you know grin

JingleMum Tue 26-Feb-13 16:47:26

Just posting this again incase others come along and only see my OP

Just bumping this rather than starting a new thread.

*I'm not well, look like shit, aching all over, headache etc... Decided DD and I would have a DVD day (it's been about 6 months since we've done this)

MIL rings and says "I'll come up for the day" as FIL is here helping DP with insulating our loft. I didn't want her to come, I look & feel disgusting, and whenever she comes DD won't keep still, is so loud, wanting to play etc... I told MIL how I was feeling and said "I'd rather you left it today, but how about Thursday?" She agreed...

Low and behold she has turned up, making sandwiches, DD is now bouncing off every wall, my head is splitting with the noise. We were having a lovely cosy day before she turned up.

What the fuck? I love her, really do, but what's she doing? Any suggestions at to what I do here?*

Again, thanks ladies.

Just asked DD to come and sit down nicely with me like she was before nanna came blush MIL started laughing and said "yes i've really disturbed you haven't i?" She then offered to make me food.

DP knows i'm angry. He offered to tell her to leave, but being the mug that i am, i couldn't let him do that. Next time i'll have use that complete sentence that mumsnet taught me "NO" not "no, it's fine thanks, how about another day?"

pluCaChange Tue 26-Feb-13 18:59:53

If they're being so noisy, you could make a point of it by going off to lie down as the noise is killing you. If you want to be polite but firm, you could say that you had been coping with a quiet day in, but now that Dd is overstimulated you have to go and lie down. Then remember DD needs to be wound down before supper/bed, so MIL will need to stop the stimulstion at that point!

Possiblyoutedled Tue 26-Feb-13 19:03:27

Poor you. Can you take dd up to your room and continue your cosy? with the wardrobe against the door
My mil is like this. I pluck up the courage to lay down a boundary and am all chuffed that I've done it but then she just ignores it.
What can you do eh?

Branleuse Tue 26-Feb-13 19:06:05

can't you offer for her to do the childcare instead of nursery? save you money and she gets time she wants

SilverClementine Tue 26-Feb-13 19:35:18

Sounds awful OP. I do think you need to tell her straight, otherwise how is she going to learn? Subtle obviously doesn't cut it.

I'm intrigued as to why you think its ok for her to offend you with her behaviour, but not for you to offend her by calling her up on it. Is your sense of self worth that low?

PoppyWearer Tue 26-Feb-13 19:46:13

My MIL is like this too. We have all kinds of DIY jobs around the place that need doing. FIL would do them for us willingly, and he is very good at it.

BUT MIL would insist on coming too, thereby sabotaging my day, and if DC2 were booked into nursery that day, I'd have to pull him out for the day to see her, she would insist (£50 down the drain).

Plus of course all the cleaning and tidying up required in advance...

Hope you feel better soon, OP.

Cherriesarelovely Tue 26-Feb-13 19:57:41

You poor thing, horrible to deal with this when you are already feeling crap. My ex Mil was very similar to this. When Dd was about 6 weeks old she started telling me and DP that she wanted her every other weekend! It was ridiculous. I used to hold back all the time not standing up for myself and she would just push and push constantly, it was a bit like she was my Dds absent parent or something! Suffice to say I eventually had to get very firm and spell things out, pull back for a while too. It did work though. I totally understand how difficult this is. Hope you can sort things out.

JingleMum Tue 26-Feb-13 22:10:26

Thanks for replying, guys.

Uurggh i feel terrible! I couldn't have a lie down upstairs due to DP & FIL bashing & banging about, i felt like a prisoner on my couch! I don't understand why she done it, i didn't call her out on it, but she could see by my face i wasn't happy about it. Hopefully that'll be enough for her not to do it again.

It caused yet another argument between DP and I, although he said if shoe was on the other foot and it were my mum, he'd be furious.

She has this way of making me feel bad. When i said "no, it's fine, don't feel well, just having lazy day on couch with DD, how about thursday?" She sort of pretends not to hear me, does a nervous laugh and says all sad "ok love" is this manipulation?!

YouTheCat Tue 26-Feb-13 22:20:09

Yes it is. Don't bother saying what you are doing in future. Just say 'Sorry, no'.

Sorry you're not well. If you had been fit and well I'd have been tempted just to go out.

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