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to ttc if I think I will abort if the HG sets in again?

(506 Posts)
ICBINEG Mon 04-Feb-13 17:26:48

So DH and I have conceived immediately on two occasions, one early miscarriage and one birth. I had hideous soul destroying sickness almost all of the way through pregnancy. We are beginning to start thinking about having another child, but I feel almost certain I couldn't go through another pregnancy like the last one. My understanding of HG is that it is unlikely to strike twice (although you are slightly more likely to get it if you had it before) and that each pregnancy may be fine or not.

So is it unreasonable to ttc if I think I might abort due to HG?

If we conceive and then I get horribly sick is it unreasonable to abort and try again?

Given we would only ever have one more child and seem to be able to conceive at will this might be more a case of choosing to bring to term the baby that doesn't make me horrendously sick for 9 months rather than wasting life etc.

I'm not sure I can really buy into that argument though....

(ps. if you are of the never abort under any circumstances camp then please don't bother posting...I know that opinion exists and am not in the slightest bit swayed by it. I am interested in hearing from other with grey zone opinions on abortion as to which side of their personal line this falls).

DeepPurple Mon 04-Feb-13 18:04:12

I had dreadful hg with dd. I wouldn't attempt another pregnancy because of it. The stats show that many do terminate hg pregnancies so you are not alone. The chances of you having it again are quite high.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but another angle you have to consider; you fall pg, over the moon, start with hg and terminate. What then? Will you feel you want to try again? Would trying to have another baby make you want one more? What if every pg you have causes hg? Not trying would be easier to take than trying and not being able to cope.

There is only you who can make the decision though. Potentially, you could have hg to start with but it might go away at 12-16 weeks. How early would you make the decision?

I had a bad vomiting bug a few months ago. I was convinced my pill had somehow failed and that I was pg. I was devastated thinking my options were to carry on and suffer or abort. I couldn't face he thought of aborting. I was thrilled the test was negative! People who haven't had true hg can't understand just how dreadful it can be.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 04-Feb-13 18:04:24

I think those posters who are saying that the OP would be a crap mother are really out of order actually.

Heavensmells Mon 04-Feb-13 18:04:28

I've had a termination. I don't regret it it, it was completely the right thing for me and my family at that time.
But I could never go through it again, I think that you are not really taking the emotions, stress and the effect on your body into account. You seem to be very black and white about it all.

BartletForTeamGB Mon 04-Feb-13 18:06:09

"Readers, if you are in the "I would never terminate" camp, then please beleive that you can never KNOW how you would react till you are in that place - and it depends on all your other circumstances too - eg other DC"

I hear this so often here and it is so patronising. I would never terminate. I had a baby girl diagnosed with a condition incompatible with life. I knew I would never terminate before and didn't. I still would never terminate. I did know how I would react before & didn't need to be "in that place" to know it would be wrong.

As for the OP, I've had HG and severe nausea/vomiting in all 3 pregnancies. There is no way to tell if it is going to happen. It is likely to limit our desired family size. If you can't deal with the uncertainty, you shouldn't TTC.

Floggingmolly Mon 04-Feb-13 18:06:58

Just how many terminations would you be prepared to have before you called it quits? hmm. I'd be very wary of the "I seem able to conceive at will" mindset, also.
Lots of people suffer from completely unexplained secondary infertility - how would you feel if this happened to you after one of your voluntary terminations?

Flobbadobs Mon 04-Feb-13 18:09:53

The Op isn't a troll, quit calling her that.
ICBINEG I didn't have HG. What I got was bad enough for me to feel like AF did at times though so I can't help you with that.
I have however had a termination. Please be totally sure about your feelings before acting on them in the way you set out in your OP. i had mine 14 years ago, not long after I got with my now DH and it still sometimes gets to me now.
I'm still pro choice but I am also pro information. Arm yourself with every fact you can get your hands on, talk to knowledgeable people but above all be aware of how the decision will affect you in the long term, not just the short.

AmberLeaf Mon 04-Feb-13 18:12:26

I had HG with my second pregnancy.

The day after I found out I was pregnant with my third I went to the doctor and she gave me something to stop the sickness.

I cant remember the name, but if you google you'll probably find it.

Have you spoken to your GP about treatment if you do get ill in a future pregnancy?

JenaiMorris Mon 04-Feb-13 18:13:35

There are some revolting posts on this thread. It's the children of parents with such little empathy, imagination and intelligence that I pity tbh - not the OP's.

Why was it OK for me to terminate my pregnancy because I didn't want a baby and not for the OP? What rights would a foetus of hers have that mine didn't?

Don't listen to anyone who says abotion is always traumatic for the woman - they're talking out of their arse. But fwiw OP I suspect that termination might not be a good move for you should you end up with HG, because you'll always be wondering if the HG might have stopped if you'd waited another few days. I think you might find it hard to come to terms with.

AllDirections Mon 04-Feb-13 18:16:01

It's not unreasonable to be terrified of going through HG again but in all probability you will have it again. Your plan is based on a low risk of you getting HG so I think you need to reconsider.

I agree with Humphrey that some posters are well out of order. HG is horrendous and definitely affects rational thought, even after the event.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 04-Feb-13 18:16:14

There are some revolting posts on this thread. It's the children of parents with such little empathy, imagination and intelligence that I pity tbh - not the OP's.

YY to this.

fifitrixibell Mon 04-Feb-13 18:19:53

have you researched your options for dealing with the HG if it should start again, other than abortion? I have to say that i know several women who have had HG with each pregnancy and it has got worse each time sad. I wish you well, whatever your decision.

EnjoyResponsibly Mon 04-Feb-13 18:19:57

I'm with those that think you simply cannot underestimate how awful a termination of a perfectly healthy and wanted (albeit for HG) foetus would be.

I never had HG, so I can't comment on that part. But I do think that unless you can get the appropriate healthcare and home support lined up to deal with HG you should stick at one child.

Megatron Mon 04-Feb-13 18:20:17

Jenai I think perhaps that people feel differently about someone who doesn't want a baby and someone who does but will abort for the reasons the OP has given.

As usual though, some posters take things too far.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 04-Feb-13 18:22:50

What you propose would certainly be over my line.

I think you should maybe look into getting some counselling before you even conceive, terminating a child who is very much wanted won't be an easy choice to make.

I had to have some counselling when pregnant as my daughter died from what turned out to be a genetic condition and I may have had to terminate a very much wanted child. I was very lucky I didn't have to but the counselling helped me get my head around it.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 04-Feb-13 18:23:50

I agree with that Jenai

GrowSomeCress Mon 04-Feb-13 18:24:46

YANBU

BambieO Mon 04-Feb-13 18:24:47

ICE I had severe HG with my first born. It was a dreadful dreadful time, I'm talking not even keeping water down, hospitalisation five times, vomiting almost 30 times a day. I truly truly thought I might actually not make it myself through the pregnancy never mind DC.

I feel for you I really do, the thought of going through it again is git wrenching.

But I will go through it again because now when I see his little face I realise it was worth it. I personally couldn't stomach the thought of terminating due to HG as if I had then DS wouldn't be with us bringing so much joy today.

I do understand why you are frightened but perhaps like some other posters have said you might consider if you are strong enough to do it again, warts and all, and if not then perhaps you should hold off.

I wouldn't want to think of you going through abortion after abortion until you possibly end up not being able to have any more at all. I don't know the statistics so please anyone help me out or correct me but I would think multiple abortions (as many as you would be prepared to have) can't be good in the long run with carrying a baby to term.

It would be heartbreaking if you missed the boat completely.

Tailtwister Mon 04-Feb-13 18:26:22

If I were in your position I wouldn't ttc. I couldn't knowingly get pregnant with the intention of using abortion as an option should HG return. I haven't had HG, only normal morning sickness and can only imagine how horrendous it must be. I can understand how you would never want to go through it again. However, I couldn't use abortion as get out clause.

FlouncingMintyy Mon 04-Feb-13 18:26:33

I am firmly pro-choice but I think it is way beyond any acceptable line to ttc if you know beforehand that there is a good chance you will abort. Everyone I know who has had hg has had it for all pregnancies.

BambieO Mon 04-Feb-13 18:26:45

Gut not git - to clarify OP I don't think you are a git blush

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 18:27:35

f you are pro choice (which I am) I don't understand the moral difference between aborting a foetus because of HG or because, I don't know, you found out your DH had been cheating and you left and were desperate (or any other situation). Surely if you are pro choice you are pro choice

morality isn't black or white or even necessarily logical though is it?

OP how would you feel if you got pregnant and didn't have HG and then miscarried? Miscarried a wanted child? Because more than likely that is how your husband will feel because he won't also be feeling the HG.

Abortion tends to be for either medical reasons or to end the pregnancy of an unwanted child...yours wouldn't be. Don't assume an abortion is even an option..because you don't know that it is. Even if you had one previously, how do you know you could go though with an abortion of a child you wanted? Presumably once the hG stopped and you were done with the pregnancy grieving would start. It would be a miscarriage, and how many would you choose to put yourself through? because many women suffer guilt after a miscarriage, they question the food they ate, their job, the sports they did. Would you after ending a healthy pregnancy of a wanted child be able to handle that kind of potential guilt?

MrsWolowitzerables Mon 04-Feb-13 18:29:15

YABU.

I think you're quite likely to get HG again once you've suffered from it once. If you're not willing to take that chance then don't TTC. If you keep getting HG with each pregnancy when will you decide enough is enough and either see the pregnancy through or quit TTC?

Also how far into the pregnancy will you decide that you want to abort? Maybe you'll have bad morning sickness and not HG but you could abort not realising.

Either you want a baby or you don't. There's risks with all pregnancies but I dont think it is ethical to TTC with the intention of aborting to save yourself a few months worth of fucking awful illness.

Hobbitation Mon 04-Feb-13 18:29:40

I never had HG, so I can't comment on that part.

There lies the problem with most of the posters criticising the OP on this thread.

NellysKnickers Spain Mon 04-Feb-13 18:29:40

I've had it twice. Even if I fell pregnant again by accident and suffered it again, no way would I abort a healthy baby because of it. If you feel that strongly don't ttc as you are very likely to get it again. Hoping you are a troll as this post is despicable.

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