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To think is this is not embarrassing?

(156 Posts)
D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 16:56:44

Ignoring all the background because I can't move until we 'win' a council house, so I can't just leave.

Both dds at a party, which I assume was planned for weeks. I was told about it yesterday. I was at work at teatime, essay writing, dog walking and dryer fixing at lunchtime.

Dd2's only pair of tights that match her dress have a hole in the crotch, only the crotch. |I only noticed this hole when I was getting her dressed. Her dress covers the crotch. She has clean knickers on, the same colour as the tights. Had she had other tights I would have gave her them, but she doesn't, so she wore the holey ones. There are no holes in the leg, only the crotch. She is 6 so she is not inclined to go around with her skirt above her head.

She has told DH about the rip on the way to the party. He is 'mortified' and 'feels like he can't go now' I am 'not a proper a mother' and 'want our children to be scruffy' his family will 'all be talking about us'

AIBU to think he needs to get a fucking grip and stop allowing our children to be near his family if they'd honestly make dd2 feel bad about a hole in some tights (which they wouldn't)?

sparkle12mar08 Tue 05-Feb-13 12:07:16

Excuse me, but why the hell am I the only one to have been deleted on the thread?!!! I said absolutely nothing that other posters including TSC, Shineone, abbierhodes, Katycleaninglady etc haven't said as well, nothing!

BupcakesAndCunting Mon 04-Feb-13 23:26:44

I am sick of reading about your wanker bloke, Dooin! Not sick of you posting about him, just sick of hearing about him being a megacunt AGAIN.

He is a tosspot a massive one and I hope he goes missing. There I said it.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 04-Feb-13 23:21:09

Ahem

NcNcNcNc Mon 04-Feb-13 15:32:17

I have 3 dogs too but as they're tiny miniscule one it may be better if I didn't offer to have DevilDog grin think he might see lunch smile (and I'm scared of dogs bigger than a cat blush )

Seriously, pm me if you it would help you, our house is so crazy one more is no problem.

What a lovely offer NcNcNc

NcNcNcNc Mon 04-Feb-13 14:23:35

Where are you based op? I used to foster for Cats Protection and have 5 of my own, I have no problem with fostering your cat for you. I'm in the Midlands, let me know if I can help smile

fuzzypicklehead Mon 04-Feb-13 13:58:13

Damnit, I just lost a really long post.

The short version: OP, I get where you're coming from. Where in the country are you? There are fosterers and Rescues able to deal with dogs like Devil Dog (I have a very similar foster dog at the moment) until you get sorted. It would mean you can get yourself into some emergency accomodation until a house comes up.

MrsDeVere Mon 04-Feb-13 13:02:16

You have been given very good advice.
All I can add is that I really cannot see you being re-housed by the council in the time scales you have given.

Not in your own, permanent home. Not within the year.

And if you are offered temporary accommodation it is likely you will not be able to take your pets with you. Depending on your dog's breed you might not be able to take them into social housing full stop.

I am working with families who are having to be physically evicted before the council with consider housing them. They are extremely vulnerable families.

I hope the information you were given is correct but it sounds wrong to me.

AvonCallingBarksdale Mon 04-Feb-13 11:59:38

Ah, this is so sad sad. I've read lots of your posts Do0in and although you sound lovely, it's heartbreaking to see you put your pets above your DC (which, however you spin it, you are). The pets will die soon enough and they are animals. I get how, for some people, they're part of the family, but your poor DC willl know when they're older that they weren't as important as the dogs and cat and that's very upsetting. Please, just consider leaving and giving the dogs to a rescue. But, as a PP said, it's not my DC here, so.. shrug.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:42:03

The RSPCA also has a fostering scheme for people fleeing domestic abuse (I didn't know that before - just found it) called Pet Retreat.

It is not unusual for women to stay in abusive relationships because they can't work out what to do about their pets. It is one of the most common reasons women give for not leaving. sad Here is an overview with various other links and contacts that might be useful.

sparkle12mar08 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:38:30

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

schmoodles Mon 04-Feb-13 11:29:18

Yes, I've seen her posts in the DogHouse. I will never understand militant dog owners who put animal before humans but anyway... these aren't my kids to make decisions for.

mrsjay Mon 04-Feb-13 11:27:13

Theres some really good advice on here. I wish youd take it.

^ ^ this I guess people will do what they want regardless of advice even if they know they will be living with an abusive person,

My mum did it with 2 men divorced the 1st still with the second seriously growing up in that is just shit,

sparkle12mar08 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:23:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType Mon 04-Feb-13 10:58:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay Mon 04-Feb-13 10:51:33

I think flow has given your wonderful practical advice I know you said we were to ignore past stories etc but how can we when we know this is all part and parcel of how miserable it is, this is not just about a hole in a pair of tights

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:48:26
flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:45:54

And here are some bits of info that might be useful practically, Doin...

Here is the Women's Aid Survivors Handbook. It has loads of practical, emotional and legal advice. You may especially want to look at the section on Helping Your Children. Children are badly affected by domestic abuse, in many different ways.

Here is their info and advice about emotional abuse. Look at the last FAQ...

You might be able to get him out, rather than leaving, at least in the short term. Here is some info about occupation orders. You could be granted temporary occupation of the house, even tho' it's legally his, until you are housed elsewhere. You have a good case because you have children, you are the primary carer, you do not have independent income, and there is abuse. You may also be able to get a non-molestation order to stop him harassing or pestering you. You really need to see a solicitor.

If you need to leave, Women's Aid will help you. You are on the 'normal' council waiting list, but because of the emotional abuse you and your children are experiencing, you could seek emergency accommodation - the rules are different and you will be re-housed more urgently, though perhaps in temporary accommodation like a refuge or B&B. Here are some accommodation FAQs on the Women's Aid website.

I don't know where you are, but the Dogs Trust have a fostering project in some areas that is specifically intended to help women leave abusive relationships. Your dogs will be fostered until you are settled in new accommodation: http://www.dogstrust.org.uk/az/f/freedomproject/#.UQ-LS7-9SsE

Hope some of that is useful.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 09:33:51

Doin, you know you need to leave. You've known it for a long time. All the excuses reasons you have for staying are just because you're scared. I understand that - I really do. It is scary to leave a relationship, even an abusive one. It is scary to move house. It is scary to be a single parent for the first time. It is scary to put your children through change that they will not like. The whole thing is scary.

But set against that, is the fact that your daughters are now caught up in this. This tips the balance, doesn't it? While it was just you suffering, it was just your problem if you chose to stay. But now it is your daughters' problem too. If you don't love yourself enough to LTB, then act out of love for your children.

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType Mon 04-Feb-13 09:23:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay Mon 04-Feb-13 09:13:03

just leave him council houses are like hens teeth just leave dont wait until you have a bid this man by the sounds of is making you r life miserable, people leave they get housed this is an emergency, good luck today or you could ask him to leave ,

Morloth Mon 04-Feb-13 09:06:14

Shrug, he will just keep doing it until you leave.

How long will you put up with this for the sake of some animals?

TheBossOfMe Mon 04-Feb-13 02:35:48

DOoin - I don't normally post on threads like this, but something about your situation makes me feel that I have to speak up.I have read so many of your posts - and as so many people upthread say, nothing seems to change for you.

You admit you are being emotionally and financially abused by your DH.

You admit that he is emotionally abusing your children.

You admit that at least one of your children is developing emotional issues as a result of this abuse (the shoe thing is exactly that).

Yet you stall and stall and stall over actually doing ANYTHING to protect your children, because you are worried about your pets.

Here's what's highly likely to happen to your DDs if you don't do something about it soon. They are going to start to see such patterns of abuse as normal. They are going to start seeing you as someone who doesn't protect them from it. They are going to become people-pleasers, highly anxious, living on the edge of their emotions all the time.

And they are going to repeat the behaviour in their adult life, sub-consciously choosing men just like your DH. Because by doing nothing, you are teaching them that this is OK. And don't kid yourself that bidding on council houses feels like something to them - because right now it feels like doing nothing to them.

I speak from experience here.

And the thing you put above all of this, that you hold up as the most important thing in all of this is what? YOUR PETS. You are sending a message to your children that they are not as important as your pets. Yes, they will be upset if they have to leave their pets behind, but they will get over that. The abuse? Not so much.

Think about this. Stop and really think about this. Do you want your DDs to spend their adult lives trapped in a similar marriage? Because that's what you are setting them up to do.

I understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship. I really do. But you are past the first hurdle, which is recognising you should leave it. Please, for the sake of your DDS, take the next step and actually leave. Go to a refuge, go to a friends, go anywhere but stay where you are now.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 04-Feb-13 00:30:40

Op do you bid on every house you can?

Are you able to write a list of things to ask the CAB tomorrow.

Put occupation orders at the top of your list

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 03-Feb-13 23:26:11

No, my dog is not dangerous, those are issues he has now overcome, but a rescue would still need to know about them, without ongoing management and training they could resurface, he will always be a dog who not socialised during the critical period and he will always be mistrustful of people.

He is not dangerous in my house, with my kids, but he could become dangerous if he was ill managed by someone who did not know his past.

I will not be murdering my children's pets to drag them off to god knows where with no money.

I will phone WA and see what they have to say. I will contact CAB and we will most likely continue waiting for a council house for several reasons.

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