to think mother in law should be more helpful?

(84 Posts)
soverytiredofthis Sun 03-Feb-13 16:43:25

We asked MIL and FIL to babysit our DD (who is epileptic) for 1 evening this month.

Immediately after DH asked she started to say ONLY if we were back by 12pm that night, no later as they do not like to be out late. She kept repeating this over and over and so my DH left it that she would.

Whilst I listened to this conversation I got more and more mad. This is the SECOND time in 3 1/2 years we have asked them to babysit and the first time she babysat she complained non stop before we got out the door. I almost sent them home.

My annoyance lies with the fact that they have 2 DD with epilepsy and know first hand how hard it is and how hard it is to get someone to babysit.

Am I being a beacth for still being pissed and not wanting to see them anytime soon??

VinegarDrinker Sun 03-Feb-13 17:06:40

I wouldn't ask any unpaid family babysitter to stay that late.

Mother2many Sun 03-Feb-13 17:07:38

OP, there is nothing you can do... I had a MIL that was like that too, Heck still do! even if she is an XMIL...does nothing with the children. When I was married we lived less than a block from her, and she wouldn't take the kids ever. I even gave her a calender of when SS was coming, because that was a good excuse for her... NOPE...

It's been almost 8 yrs since her dear son and I have parted, and she has never as much as came to see the kids at a Christmas concert! I facebooked her (how I am still on there is beyond me) and told her if she ever wants to take the kids on HER TIME she can...as I know her schedule is very busy...

NOPE...

Sooo, it is very frustrating...and can sure get you angry...but not much you can do dear!

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sun 03-Feb-13 17:08:17

I think YABU. Midnight is late enough. There is no law saying parents and PIL are obliged to babysit. Do you do favours for them? Why don't you offer o do some gardening or decorating in return?
Are you sure you can't find a babysitter?. Perhaps you could use someone older?

thebody Sun 03-Feb-13 17:09:51

They arnt obliged to babysit though are they? Don't bland the insisting on midnight as that's late especially on a winters night.

Want2bSupermum Sun 03-Feb-13 17:11:01

Until now we have relied on family who have visited us to babysit while we go out. We are never home past 10pm. We have now found a fab babysitter who we trust. She works 50 hours a week at the local daycare center. It would be cruel for us to be out until midnight as she would be getting into bed by about 1am.

All your DH had to do was ask his mother if 10pm would be an acceptable time for you returning. If not moving it forward to 8 or 9pm still allows you and your DH to have a great time.

ArkadyRose Sun 03-Feb-13 17:11:51

YABU. Parents/in-laws are not obliged to babysit at all, and have every right to set a limit on how late they are prepared to stay. Be thankful that they were willing to do it at all! And if you were able to get someone else to babysit instead, the answer is obvious - don't bother asking the in-laws in future.

Tanith Sun 03-Feb-13 17:12:05

Requesting to be back before midnight is fair enough, but it sounds like this granny nagged on and on about it.
Coupled with her moaning and complaining the only other time she babysat. I would take the hint and never ask her to babysit again.

VinegarDrinker Sun 03-Feb-13 17:12:38

I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. You are missing out on a rare night out. What do you want to do that you can't be home by midnight?

BackforGood Sun 03-Feb-13 17:21:39

YABU, and, as Vinegar says, cutting off your nose to spite your face. I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect people to be back by midnight if Grandparents or anyone else are babysitting. Most people adjust their "going out" expectations once they are parents.

natsmum100 Sun 03-Feb-13 17:22:14

I feel your pain. In my case, it is my own DM. She has the other GC at least one night a week, but it's not convenient to have mine. It is 4 year since I asked her to babysit. I will not ask again. Guess who will be caring for her in her dotage. Clue - it won't be me!!

natsmum100 Sun 03-Feb-13 17:23:16

Forgot to mention - YANBU. Grandparents do not have to babysit, but at least be fair.

bootsycollins Sun 03-Feb-13 17:29:49

YANBU. She's made it obvious that she doesn't want to babysit, her loss but she doesn't sound like she's very interested in enjoying quality time with the kids or that she'd make any effort to make it fun for the kids. Some people are just miserable buggers "I've brought up my kids blah blah" like they've done their time and won't be helping anyone else out, it's 1 evening ffs. I've got so many fond memories of time spent with my Grandmas, they are my bench mark for the kind of grandma I want to be one day.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 03-Feb-13 17:36:57

I really don't think the issue is that the pil want them back by midnight, but that after being asked for the first time in ages they just started instantly moaning and making it sound like it was a huge inconvenience to them, just as they moaned the one other time they babysat.

I would imagine that all the op and her dh were hoping for was some enthusiasm.

Not sure how other posters have missed that! confused

simplesusan Sun 03-Feb-13 17:38:30

I think the op sees her mil looking after other grandchildren every week yet moaning when she does it once a year for her.

YANBU she sounds like a moaner.

bootsycollins Sun 03-Feb-13 17:38:32

I know it's pretty clear if you read it properly grr

bootsycollins Sun 03-Feb-13 17:39:22

Someone's gonna use the entitled word any minute grin

BackforGood Sun 03-Feb-13 17:40:22

Well, can't speak for anyone else, but I didn't 'miss that', I just understand that not everyone thinks "Oh goodie" when asked to babysit. I certainly don't. I babysit for people in order to help them out, because I appreciated people doing it for me when I needed sitters, not because it's some sort of 'night out' for me. Not sure why that's difficult to understand.

Sirzy Sun 03-Feb-13 17:40:28

But has the OP asked them to look after her child during the day? Some people, especially older people don't like to be out in an evening.

Also you have to consider why they are looking after them - is it so parents can work because that makes it different to a night out situation.

You have to compare like with like.

firesidechat Sun 03-Feb-13 17:46:31

When I was teens/ early twenties and was regularly babysitting I hate, hate, hated it when they were back really late. Other people's houses are rather boring and there is only so much tv you can watch. Every minute after midnight felt like a lifetime.

When my children have children of their own I will probably be like your mil. I won't be able to help myself.

My children are grown up now but their grandparents have never babysat them. They never offered and that was fine.

usualsuspect Sun 03-Feb-13 17:50:37

I think some people use any excuse to moan about their Mils.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 03-Feb-13 17:52:27

If they don't like being out in the evening then a normal reaction would be to say that they don't really like being out late but would be either, happy to have the child at their house so that they can just go to bed, or to say that they would love to spend one on one time with the child but perhaps they could do it during the day one time. Not moan and moan and moan about it.

That's assuming that they do want to spend time with the child but it doesn't sound like they do.

Also, the op had a family thing to go to so probably didn't have control over what time of day it was.

Its nice if family want to help you out but it my experience that's often not the case. My inlaws love helping out my bil and sil every week but mine rarely ever, despite my being in need and not having anyone else or being able to pay a babysitter. My children also had a health thing which made getting babysitters difficult. You have my sympathies op. I would suggest never bothering to ask again, and then you can't be disappointed but it sounds like you've already done that.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 03-Feb-13 17:54:41

If they don't like being out in the evening then a normal reaction would be to say that they don't really like being out late but would be either, happy to have the child at their house so that they can just go to bed, or to say that they would love to spend one on one time with the child but perhaps they could do it during the day one time. Not moan and moan and moan about it.

That's assuming that they do want to spend time with the child but it doesn't sound like they do.

Also, the op had a family thing to go to so probably didn't have control over what time of day it was.

Its nice if family want to help you out but it my experience that's often not the case. My inlaws love helping out my bil and sil every week but mine rarely ever, despite my being in need and not having anyone else or being able to pay a babysitter. My children also had a health thing which made getting babysitters difficult. You have my sympathies op. I would suggest never bothering to ask again, and then you can't be disappointed but it sounds like you've already done that.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 03-Feb-13 17:54:53

Oops sorry!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 03-Feb-13 17:57:00

bootsycollins i can feel the build up to it!

grin

janey68 Sun 03-Feb-13 18:00:18

It must be annoying if you feel that the grandparents are doing more for their other grandkids, and also the fact that one of your children has a medical condition is going to make you feel more anxious about childcare.

BUT - the only answer is to make other arrangements, even if it costs more and takes a bit of setting up. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from sitting at home refusing to go out and feeling resentful. Nothing.

We never had family near so from the word go had to seek out babysitters and pay handsomely for it. I don't regret it- if you can find a couple of reliable people who can get to know your dds needs and are familiar with administering meds etc then you can relax, breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy your evenings out, rather than simmering with resentment over people who can't offer what you want.

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