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Dd , exh and access

(27 Posts)
MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 08:47:42

Ok huge back story which I won't go in to as I want answers based purely on the facts.

Dd is ten.
Exh has cancelled four times last year and came once.
Year before he came twice.
He has free Skype and free calls to her but has never used it.
He rarely contacts in between, months will go by with radio silence then a message to grill me or moan about his life on Facebook.
At Christmas he sent nothing, text dd after us hearing nothing for months to say happy Xmas as he was at his gf house and presume she had asked. Dd asked why no card present and he was not impressed and blamed me. (He hadn't still got new address and hadn't asked for it)

The deal is we would meet half way once a fortnight (it's not court order but on divorce) and instead of paying maintainance he would use it for travel fare to meet us half way because us going to his would involve an hour bus , two hours on a train then a further 45 minutes bus x two.

DD will not stop with him alone for good reason.

Dd is fed up of this messy access, her dad wasn't involved when we were together so she's no real relationship with him.

She's not interested, do I make her go or ask exh to build a phone relationship with her first and not use his annual visit to moan to me rather than play with dd.

HollyBerryBush Sun 03-Feb-13 08:50:14

She's old enough to make up her own mind IMHO.

JumpingJackSprat Sun 03-Feb-13 08:53:14

it sounds like ehes had enough of being let down by him. normally im all for as much contact as possible but only when the father is making an effort - this one isnt so id let your daughter lead the situation and try to support her as much as possible in her decision. she may change her mind in the future.

TheProvincialLady Sun 03-Feb-13 08:55:14

I can't believe you accepted that crappy 'maintenance' from him! Get onto the CSA right away.

Don't make your daughter go for contact. If she wants phone contact and to try and build up their relationship then by all means suggest, but bear in mind that he is unlikely to keep it up and this will then become another disappointment to her. Why will she not be alone with him - is it more than just unfamiliarity? He really is a prize twat isn't he?

2rebecca Sun 03-Feb-13 08:56:38

If he wants access to his daughter then he comes and picks her up and takes her out for the day. Dragging you out for the day whilst you ? hang around somewhere for several hours whilst he's with his daughter then gives her to you to take home again seems a mad way to carry on.
Normally days when the nonres parent has the kids are time for the res parent to do other stuff, not hang about in an unfamiliar town.
I presumed you moved away from him because you feel obliged to take your daughter part way.
I'd leave the onus on him to visit and pick her up.

VBisme Sun 03-Feb-13 08:56:47

I agree with jumping jack, usually I'm all for contact with the nonR parent, but contact needs to be regular and frequent, kids aren't toys to be picked up and put down at will.
It sounds like if you just stop facilitating contact it will cease anyway, so just do that.

MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 09:16:23

I have to go, dd won't stop with him alone (good reason).

I agreed to it that way as we moved fifty miles when I left (good reason).

He often cancels based on being skint because he hasn't worked for 12 years (originally because it was more fun to play computer games, in later years he has developed depression)

However he has had two massive amounts of money in that time, has the highest broadband package, new computers, gadgets all time and constantly posting about "piss Ups" .

Skype and calls cost nothing
He refused to contribute to dds uniform because he needed clothes (he had £1300)
He got a further 8 grand last year.

drinkyourmilk Sun 03-Feb-13 09:23:23

He sounds like a prize twit.
Heart breaking that a 10year old can see through him sad. Thank goodness she has a sensible mum who supports her (um guessing he is much worse than you have let on here, and that the last thing you want to do is spend time with him, yet you agree to spends days with him to help your dd keep a relationship).
She is 10. She can decide if she wants to see him or not. Can she Skype him?

ProphetOfDoom Sun 03-Feb-13 09:27:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 09:39:55

Yes drinkyourmilk he uses his visits to talk at to me about how bad his life is and "not that he is blaming me or anything".

No acknowledgement whats so ever about what he did to us.
I dont think honestly he thinks he did anything to us.....
Thats whats worrying to be honest, he doesnt think what he was doing was wrong.

Hes quite convincing with people though who do not know him because he believes his own shit.

Before anyone comes on saying about his lack of money, he took out a broadband tv package last year that costs around £70 a month.

MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 09:41:17

I have to check my facebook every week to see if he has messaged about coming, if i dont reply straight away he starts texting both phones.

But we do not hear from him for months and months on end.

TheProvincialLady Sun 03-Feb-13 09:45:13

How do you know this level of stuff about him and his broadband packages, out of interest? It sounds like you need to disengage as much as you need to get onto the CSA.

MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 10:03:55

Because he tells me all this crap during his two annual visit.

MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 10:04:43

Two hour annual visits.

MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 10:08:08

He's very into gadgets and internet speed is of vast importance for his online gaming, that's how I know this crap.

simplesusan Sun 03-Feb-13 10:27:17

I would go to the csa.
Difficult situation for you and your dd.
Personally I wouldn't be messing about doing all that travelling. What is dd gaining from it compared to the hassle it puts you through.
If he isn't working then time is not and issue to him so he could phone/text/whatever your dd whenever she is free.
Sorry but he just isn't interested in her is he? I think you need to face up to that reality.

MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 11:05:57

Ive already faced the fact he is not that interested in her Susan sad

He only seems bothered when his gf or sister asks if he has seen her then he seems to remember her for a short while.

An example of his attitude.
He had not seen dd for 8 months or contacted us, he had not given dd any money.
He then messaged asking do we like his tattoo... He had paid £60 for a huge tattoo of dds name on him.....

MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 11:06:33

He sees her as a show to his gf and his friends when he feels he has to.

mrsbunnylove Sun 03-Feb-13 11:23:07

move again and don't tell him where you are?

get off facebook (its a mugs paradise) and change your phone numbers.
get counselling for you and your daughter for the 'good reasons'.

stop fussing about how much money he has. you're not getting it so it doesn't matter to you. csa if you want but if he doesn't have a regular income it might not lead to anything.

if your daughter doesn't want contact, don't make her.

more than anything - let go. you're resentful of him - stop, its making your life worse, not better. he's a lazy no-hoper who doesn't really care about his daughter, so shake him off, put him in the past and go ahead with your life.

frustratedashell Sun 03-Feb-13 11:26:44

I see no point or advantage for your dd to have him in her life at all. Hes unreliable,selfish and a massive dick. She doesnt seem all that bothered by what you say, Im sure shes fed up with his attitude and him constantly letting her down. If you can I would get CSA involved and cut contact out. Its ridiculous!

frustratedashell Sun 03-Feb-13 11:27:33

mrsbunnylove put it much better than me!

MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 12:25:47

I only mentioned the money to show that he is not not coming because he can geuinely not afford and hence I should be taking her if that makes sense.

I do not want a penny of his money.

I am angry at what he has done to me and dd before we seperated and how he has treated her since.

I would love to move away and for him to not know where we are blush but that is not possible at moment.

Before anyone jumps at me for that last comment, I have been the one solely maintaning the contact and relationship for the past 5 years.

Nanny0gg Sun 03-Feb-13 13:33:39

The money wouldn't be for you it would be for your daughter.

Don't make her see him, but I think he should pay.

GirlOutNumbered Sun 03-Feb-13 16:20:17

My dad has always been like this, I'm 37 now and he's seen his grandchildren two or three times. He never paid a penny for us growing up, mum never made him, she thought his conscience would kick in. It didn't! Go the the CSA.

CSA money is for her not you. Try & get some, but use it for her school uniform etc

Get a new sim card for both of you & keep the old one in an old handset & check it as you want- personally I
wouldn't bother you have tried, it takes 2 to make this work.

If she doesn't want to see him fair enough, access is for DD's benefit not his. He can get hid lazy arse into gear if he wants a relationship with her.

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