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to think my ex is an absolute fucking bastard of the first order

(217 Posts)
11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:07:34

DD got her 11plus results today. She did really very well for her, put in a load of effort, and will get in to a grammar school. Just not the one he wants.

He said, in front of her, "Shit. I'm disappointed".

She has howled all day and it will take a great deal to pick her up again.

He is a bastard, yes or no?

[NOTE FROM MNHQ: Although we're sure it was meant as a joke, we have edited the thread title and OP to remove some beyond-the-pale violent imagery. Some subsequent posts making reference to the same imagery have also been deleted.]

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 17:27:50

Exactly Sanity I feel like we are (nearly) taking a risk that she might get into the other grammar (even though I know it's highly unlikely)

SanityClause Wed 06-Feb-13 17:24:31

Oh, that's a bit of a pain, because, otherwise you could put the "most likely" school down, and be done with it.

Still, whatever happens, she'll now get a school she's happy with, by the sounds of things.

So well done to her!

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 17:20:59

Sanity - ya think grin wink

You get a preference but it really goes on 11plus score, especially for the other grammar, so we have to put school 1 even though we know she won't get in because it's our closest grammar and if we don't put it down first we won't get free transport to school 2 which is the one she'll almost certainly get in to.

And I just have to keep reminding myself that no matter what else she has to be happy and content with the school she ends up at. I could swing for him I really could.

SanityClause Wed 06-Feb-13 17:18:03

It sounds like Daddy might have been a bit negative about the school when she went round with him, which could've given her a bad impression.

I'm pleased she likes it, because now, whatever happens, she will be happy with whatever school she is allocated.

Is it like England, where you put down a preference, or is the school place allocated, depending on the 11+ score?

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 17:13:48

It was really good. I don't think there's anything to pick between the schools academically, but what I HAVE to do is stop DD feeling like a failure for not (probably) getting into the other grammar, because that won't do her self-esteem any good.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Wed 06-Feb-13 17:11:35

So pleased it went well!

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 17:07:03

Honestly if I hadn't posted it here I would have been doubting myself.

Went and saw the head. She said that she had shown him league tables and told him he had to consider himself very lucky that we have the choice of 2 good grammar schools and that DD had worked very very hard to get what she got and that every other child was being coached and she said he looked "visibly shocked" when she said that.

She then said "and I think he's changed his mind"

ohfunnyhoneyface Wed 06-Feb-13 15:48:56

You're absolutely right- that is all that matters- that she is happy.

And she will remember his ridiculous u-turn and will make her wiser for it in the long run.

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 14:20:32

She is thank you. She's much more positive now having seen round with me and she said a couple of times that it was so different from how she remembered it when she went with daddy. And no matter how much I am irritated with HIM, that's the important thing, that she's happy with whatever school she gets into and never ever feels like a failure over something like this.

Im so glad, hope your DD is doing ok

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 14:15:39

It went really really really well grin the head was lovely and showed us all around the school and was able to get DD out of her shell and talking to her and oh it just went fantastic grin

Going to see her current primary shortly and try to find out what was said to the ex!

GingaNinja Wed 06-Feb-13 10:02:50

Good luck, thanks and hope all is going FABULOUSLY at the school. Hope there were strawberry shoelaces for breakfast!

Your x seems to be oblivious to the obvious - he might try to change YOUR perception/memory of what was said but at 11 your DD is well able to remember what he said and draw her own conclusions. Just think, in 30 years time it could be 11plustraumaDD on here offering support to others by saying 'Ah yes, my Dad was a complete twunt and with the benefit of hindsight what effectively destroyed my affection for/relationship with him was his pathetic reaction to my FANTASTIC 11 plus results.'

And he does realise she's going to be picking his nursing home does he? When he's old, wretched, helpless, in need of help from someone who gives a damn... grin

FelicityWasCold Wed 06-Feb-13 09:36:28

Your DD will be fine- today is the day that she gets to see how you were right all along and she is going to a great school.

Your ex can attempt to gaslight as much as he likes, you and your DD know what he said and how it felt. She won't forget. I would try and refer to it lightly with her, as in 'isn't it lovely, now that Daddy's changed his mind. What a silly mistake he made, we always knew you were going to the best one anyway- didn't we dd?' -obv. Not when he's around, if that's likely to cause a fight, but it will help her to know that she can trust her own memories of the incident.

Don't worry about the Head- you didn't attend the meeting (which will have told her all she needed to know) she's spoken to you before so she knows your views, and she knows he's your EX. If she's any good at all she will be firmly, but tactfully, on your side.

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 09:12:23

I'm nervous. So is she.

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 08:36:56

I'm hoping she'll hint at what went on in their meeting. Something has to have happened because his viewpoint has totally switched it's a complete volte face

LifeSavedbyLego Wed 06-Feb-13 08:35:58

That was supposed to be think not thinly

LifeSavedbyLego Wed 06-Feb-13 08:35:33

Nope she'll not thinly you are deranged. Him on the other hand... There quite simply aren't words. least non that HQ will let me use

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 08:26:09

thankk you I'm so nervous and I want to make a good impression and not have her think i'm a pfb type neurotic parent!

Then after when I drop DD off I have to go and see current head and fill in forms and I hope she doesn't think I am deranged because ex has totally changed his viewpoint.

LifeSavedbyLego Wed 06-Feb-13 08:20:22

Perfect. Back straight, smile on and forward march!

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 08:07:19

Utterly shallow wobble but black top, cardi and black wide legged trousers with ankle boots and silver jewellery? Will that be ok?

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 07:59:44

It is gas lighting isn't it? I mean, I know it's not an important thing the important thing is that DD is ok but he is gas lighting isn't he?

blackeyedsusan Wed 06-Feb-13 07:50:00

the title should say "absolute fucking gaslighting bastard of the first order"

have a good day today.

ohfunnyhoneyface Wed 06-Feb-13 07:49:12

What a total control freak. I hope you find today easy and his early vitriol doesn't scar your daughter.

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 07:03:33

Well today is the day I take her to see the most likely school. I've been awake half the night worrying and hoping it goes well. And also worrying that the current school will think I'm losing it because he's now portraying the whole thing as his idea in the first place. He has done this kind of thing before when I am sure it was one way and he insists it was another and he has made me doubt my own memories. Just this time I know what he said and apart from anything else I wrote it here. But now he will make it out that it was all his idea

11Plustrauma Tue 05-Feb-13 20:53:27

I do feel a bit guilty for the vemon in my title but I was so so mad.

Yes it's great that he's done his change of heart but it's still pissing me right off especially since by next week it'll all have been his idea in the first place.

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