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aibu to be upset about dp sleeping with ds (6weeks) on the sofa?

(87 Posts)
honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 08:30:35

Ds (6 weeks) has been walking often in the night this week, Thursday night he was up for tge day at 2am so I am pretty tired. I get up with ds in the week and dp gets up with him at the weekends (after I have breastfed ds)

This morning ds woke up at 6am, he had been up a couple of times in the night so I fed him but he was smiling and chatting away with no chance of going back in his bed. I woke dp and asked him to take tge baby so I could get a couple more hours sleep.

I woke at 8 and went into tge livingroom dp was asleep on the sofa so I went to check in tge little cot we have in tge livingroom but ds wasn't there. I looked again at dp and ds was asleep in dp's arm, ds was in a sleepingbag and under dp's thick duvet.

I took ds and dp woke up, I said to him that ds shouldn't be sleeping with dp on the sofa.

Dp got very defensive saying it was perfectly safe, ds couldn't have slipped out from where he was, he had only been asleep for a short time.

I have said yo dp that if he ever feels on tge verge of falling asleep with ds to come and wake me up or put ds in his cot even if he wakes up.

I'm not angry tgat dp made a mistake, I put ds on the sofa yesterday and he rolled over onto his front, I came back from having a wee and he was crying on his front, I know we all make mistakes I told dp what I had done and said I will never leave ds on the sofa again that taught me a lesson! But dp doesn't see that he was wrong. He is annoyed that I am interfering with his parenting.

I feel like I can't ask dp to help in tge nights as I don't think he will keep ds safe sad

I showed him some sids research and he just said yes but those people were probably drunk.

What should I do? Should I just never ask dp to wake up with ds?

scottishmummy France Sat 02-Feb-13 08:35:29

congratulations new baby.keep some perspective here before it escalates to he's unsafe
this is new for you both,dp knackered fell asleep.calmly without talk of fatalities explain your preference
dont exclude your ,don't think he's unsafe,lose the [face]. both need to support and enjoy this

Footface Sat 02-Feb-13 08:35:36

No yanbu, babies shouldn't over heat either so a sleeping bag plus duvet could be dangerous.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 02-Feb-13 08:40:49

Congratulations, you both have a lovely new baby who is leaving you both sleep deprived. I suspect your DH was trying to the best thing at the time, I bet he won't do it again.

Just explain to him that it is unsafe for him to sleep on the sofa with ds and if he wants to fall asleep to put him in the cot first. If he says it is safe then a quick google will show him that its not. Don't shout or get angry just explain calmly that he's wrong :-)

scottishmummy France Sat 02-Feb-13 08:44:39

he helps,wants to be involved as dad don't shuve him out.be calm,discuss it
re:baby rolled onto front briefly.it happens.don't berate yourself about it
it's new,scary,a world of what ifs. support each other and muddle through

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 02-Feb-13 08:45:39

YANBU.

Have you thought about co-sleeping in a planned safe way? It's not for everyone, but you may both get a lot more sleep, and if you are BF it has the advantage that you don't have to get up to feed.

I remember the early days of BF with DD, whenever she woke for a feed during the night I would get up and take her to her designated feeding station because I knew I shouldn't feed her in bed because I might fall asleep with her. I was so knackered I was literally falling asleep with my eyes open. And then one night I dropped DD, luckily onto the sofa. That was enough for me, taught myself (with the help of mn to feed lying down, slept topless, duvet around waist.

DD slept better because she was right next to me, rather than in moses basket, and we could both safely fall asleep during feeds.

Don't be too hard on your partner, I can remember how relentless those nights could be. But you do have to try and stop it happening again. Be kind to yourself you are doing great!

scottishmummy France Sat 02-Feb-13 08:46:33

no don't google baby risks or fatalities that's bad idea.it will make you feel worse
keep calm,thank him for helping you, work out better plan for next time.that's all

Newyearoldmum Sat 02-Feb-13 08:53:59

Both my dh and I have fallen asleep on the couch with our dd. it is definitely our preference not to but on both occasions we were both so tired. Our dd was fine on both occasions and the positions we were in meant she was relatively safe, it was only for a short time but we both made concentrated efforts for it not to happen again.

That being said if your dh had thought about position etc to keep both him from rolling onto your son and so that your son could not roll away from him I would have been more concerned about the over heating issue from the sleeping bag and duvet. Not saying he made the right decision by the way, I agree he should have put him in his cot or come and got you but sometimes in a sleep deprived state the daftest things seem a good idea.

Don't drive yourself crazy with what ifs, make your preference clear, come to an agreement with your dh and try not to let it put a shadow on this joyful time for you both. Congratulations by the way!!

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 08:54:55

Bollocks to scottish's pandering bollocks.

Sleeping on the sofa with a baby is really dangerous, and that is a matter of fact, not opinion.

The fact that the baby was in a sleeping bag and under a duvet shows that he either doesn't know about, or doesn't care about the risks to the baby.

It also shows that he deliberately went back to bed on the sofa and didn't just drop off to sleep.

Putting a baby at risk so you can go back to sleep is not a valid parenting choice, and it's incredibly peevish of him to pretend that it is.

Newyearoldmum Sat 02-Feb-13 08:55:23

Yanbu by the way.

KenLeeeeeee Sat 02-Feb-13 08:58:05

YADNBU AT ALL!

Sleeping on a sofa with a baby is incredibly dangerous. I can't emphasise enough how bad an idea it is. You are not at all unreasonable to point this out to your dp and ask him to never, ever do it again.

Even the NHS guidelines on cosleeping say to never, ever sleep on a sofa with your baby. Bed - fine if you follow the safety guidelines about duvets, pillows, etc. Sofa - NEVER.

scottishmummy France Sat 02-Feb-13 09:01:22

yes it was risky.discuss without hysterics about fatalities or google worst case
6wk in dad made mistake. socay mly without omg histrionics work out another way
as an adult the dad can process.of he habitually ignores yes get worked up.one time no

EugenesAxe Sat 02-Feb-13 09:02:46

For me YANBU - I used to freak about this too. I think those schmaltzy B&W photos of babies asleep on their daddies have a lot to answer for... even though in this case your DP was just tired.

It is terrifying when you are so tired - I remember nodding and jerking awake so many times when DS was on my tummy. He had quite bad colic - have you tried usual remedies in case your DS does too? I liked Dentinox myself, and baby massage is very helpful. Ask your HV for some moves. Gripe water is good once he's - I think? - two months.

honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 09:10:46

Ds sleeps in a sidecar cot we did try the sideways breastfeeding whilst asleep position but ds just sucked all night and let tge milk poor out the side of his mouth when he was full so we woke up in a milk lake.

I have tried to talk to dp about ways we can help ourselves stay awake when up with ds, things like sit on tge wooden rocking chair, don't cover up with a duvet, don't lie down but he is really angry with me and saying I'm over reacting.

I made a mistake with tge coffee machine this morning, I forgot to put the jug under the machine so there was coffee everywhere and dp just keeps saying how I could have killed us all by starting a fire with the coffee machine and how that is much more dangerous than him sleeping on the sofa.

He told me the duvet was not covering ds when he went to sleep, that makes me even more worried because it was right up by ds's shoulders, it would have only been another 5 cm and it would have covered his little face sad

I cried and dp shouted at me and said I need to pull myself together now I'm a parent, it's just all too much today sad

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 09:13:03

Um, the reason it's risky is because of the increased likelihood of a fatality.

You can't really have the discussion without mentioning that.

Super Stepford to insinuate that a woman speaking factually to a man who is wrong is being hysterical.

What's she supposed to say "don't worry, big man. You are of course right in all things, but I would feel better if you would just do this one tiny, crazy thing and not put a baby under a duvet on a sofa while you sleep."

He's a big boy now. I'm sure he can hear "sleeping with a baby on a sofa might kill the baby. Don't do it again. Ever."

Softlysoftly Sat 02-Feb-13 09:14:13

Sorry but like athinginyourlife this sounds deliberate to me. We have ALL dozed off with baby as hard as we try not to but he went specifically against safe sleeping advice positioning DS and getting under a duvet. He planned to sleep, it's stupid and selfish.

Flame me but I wouldn't trust him again unless he fully acknowledges the risks. To get a break id wait until he was up and about for the day then hand over DS and go to bed.

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 09:14:32

Your partner is an ignorant twat.

He is bullying you.

You don't have to put up with it.

RooneyMara Sat 02-Feb-13 09:20:44

Oh love.

Is your DP always this angry and defensive or do you think it's just being sleep deprived?

skullcandy Sat 02-Feb-13 09:21:24

do you have a bouncer chair?

If DS is downstairs and starts to fall asleep, tell DP to put him in the bouncer with a blanket over him. Baby has somewhere safe to sleep downstairs and DP can then doze on the sofa to his hearts content.

Do show him this thread, it really is NOT ok to both fall asleep together on the sofa!

PoppyWearer Sat 02-Feb-13 09:21:35

I heard a mum who had accidentally smothered her 8mo asleep on the sofa talking on the radio last year I think, begging others to not make the same mistake. Heartbreaking.

And wasn't there a case of a man accidentally smothering his adult female partner when they fell asleep on the sofa together?

Yes, it's easily done, I have fallen asleep holding mine before but thankfully only for a few seconds.

Please urge your DP to be more careful!

RooneyMara Sat 02-Feb-13 09:22:21

and also, do you think he's just being a git because you called him on it? Or because he thinks it's right and will do it again? neither is great tbh but if it's the former that's slightly better - at least ds will be safe if he understands that it's risky.

HV told me they don't know why but sofas are a real problem with SIDS. It's really important not to sleep with ds on it.

elizaregina Sat 02-Feb-13 09:25:18

Honey

I have had this problem with my DH. To be fair to my DH though he is one of these people who seems to fall asleep almost immedialty.

with our first DD he used to do it - be on sofa and I would find them both asleep.

I didnt fully appreicate the dangers then although I knew it didnt feel right.

This time round I am shit hot on it.

I say to him " you know you fall asleep easily, put the rocker right by you, and put her in that when you feel the first signs of drowsy ness, IF you are going to feel drowsy".

I had a quick shower once and he was asleep!!

I just cant do it now, he does it with me sat here which isnt dangerous but shows how he cant control it.

your DH sounds v defensive - maybe wait till he has calmed down and print off or show him some stuff about it.

by the way - your baby wont want to suck all night all the time, if he is next to you, cant you see when he seems to be asleep and put him back in side car?

they feed at different times and styles in the early days.

Just because he fed all night a few times doesnt mean he will continue to do it.

do you have a v pillow also?

baby is 4 months now - but to begin with in the more demanding weeks what your going thru, feed then when asleep put back -ie when milk starts to come out.

baby mostly sleeps thru now - from 8/9 ish to 7/8am. somtimes she stirs and wants a night feed. I have her in her rocker with us - in the living room, then take her upstairs with us when we go to bed at 10 - 11ishpm. She rarley stirs when we carry her up and if she does wake a bit - a little feed and she is back to sleep.

Hang in there - it does get better your probably in the worst time right now, and each day is a day towards more sleep!

You were right to pull him up on it, the dangers of overheating and suffocation are real and can happen even if you have not been drinking.

He might be a bit sensitive to criticism atm. It is hard for new dads as tiny babies generally want there mummies and he was trying to help and bond with his child.

He is wrong to shout at you for crying, you were rightly upset thinking about what could have happened.

Do a Google search and show him the articles where people have lost their babies. He needs to understand otherwise he will do it again.

nextphase Sat 02-Feb-13 09:27:19

here are some guidelines for safe co-sleeping.
Two of the "nevers" are on the sofa, and covered with a duvet.

Can you sit down with DH and talk through how you are going to maximise sleep for both of you, while keeping baby safe - and that includes having had enough sleep to put the jug in the coffee maker?

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