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AIBU to ask dh to sleep at home after night out...

(32 Posts)
NettletonMummy Fri 01-Feb-13 19:47:06

As I don't like being left alone overnight as we have a very young baby (8 weeks) plus 3 year old. Happy for him to go out and come back late, but is it unreasonable to ask him to come home after, rather than stay with a friend? He doesn't want to come home as we live in the middle if nowhere, so either expensive taxi ride if he has a drink, or he has to drive. I know he doesn't normally do much in the way of child care, but he's there for the 3 year old in case she wakes while I deal with baby who feeds at least 3 times a night and I need the moral support even if he's just asleep!

I don't think I'm asking too much - especially as mums have to pretty much give up going out at night and having a drink while pregnant and breast feeding.

50ShadesOfGreggs Fri 01-Feb-13 19:54:04

I would feel the same way I think. Although, if he has had a drink, would he actually be much help?

I'd prefer he stay somewhere else tbh as he could wake the dcs up coming home drunk

meadow2 Fri 01-Feb-13 19:55:38

I would let him stay out.Whats the point of going out if you cant have a drink.

LemonBreeland Fri 01-Feb-13 19:57:12

I'd prefer he didn't go on a massive bender when we had an 8 week old baby. But I think it's fine to ask him to be home.

Fairylea Fri 01-Feb-13 19:57:47

Not unreasonable of you at all. And I live really rural too so I understand what you mean about taxis etc.

I have to say dh and I haven't had a night out (either of us) since ds was born 7 months ago, we're both too shattered!

Anyway I'm rabbiting on.

I think your dp should come home. But failing that leave him with the kids as soon as he is sober enough and you go and have some me time too.

Vinomcstephens England Fri 01-Feb-13 20:00:07

I would say it depends on how regular an occurrence this is - if it's a one off, or a "once in a while" then let him go out, have a drink and crash at a friends. I completely understand the reassurance of having him in the house but I think it's only fair to let him go out and avoid an expensive taxi fare!

I get where you're coming from about mums giving up booze while pregnant but I think that's a moot point - I mean, he can't exactly do anything about that so I don't think it's a fair comparison?

I think YANBU to feel the way you do but YWB(a teeny bit!)U to insist on him coming home.

MidnightMasquerader Fri 01-Feb-13 20:02:14

Annoying when one half of a couple's life goes on unfettered with the practicalities of v young children, and the other's ... doesn't ...

Assuming this isn't a regular event, come to some arrangement whereby one day or half day of the weekend, breastfeeding-allowing, he takes both kids off your hands. He can choose the day - presumably whichever one he won't have the hangover. wink

PurplePidjin Fri 01-Feb-13 20:04:09

Wtf? He thinks it's ok to just waft off on a jolly while you do everything?

He needs to man up and pull his weight!

MerylStrop Fri 01-Feb-13 20:04:44

I'd always prefer DH to come home
Especially with an 8 week old
As much for the morning as the night
Bender with sleepover can wait a bit

chezchaos Fri 01-Feb-13 20:06:19

I would want him home too, even though mine is completely useless the night and day after a night out

feministefatale Fri 01-Feb-13 20:09:18

I'd prefer he didn't go on a massive bender when we had an 8 week old baby. But I think it's fine to ask him to be home.

this

bbface Fri 01-Feb-13 20:14:50

Personally, I would be happier for him to stay out. Mid it is a rare occurrence, and likely he won't be good for much anyway.

However, the fact is, you would like him at home. So it is totally unreasonable of him not to stay at home given you have recently given birth and have a toddler.

LaQueen Fri 01-Feb-13 20:21:18

Oh God, no...I would most definitely want DH to stay out. He'd be neither use, nor ornament if he came back.

Let him go, and paint the town red...and, then make sure that he returns the favour to you, another time.

larks35 Fri 01-Feb-13 20:24:36

YANBU, tell him to factor in the cost of a taxi and preferably not get too wasted. I have a now 4yo and 10mo, my DP isn't one for nights out but had to work away when DD was just 8 weeks and it was hard being alone for the 4 days he was away. If your DH is home then he is likely to sleep better and be ready to help you earlier than if he stays out. Tell him it's that or no night out.

Annunziata Italy Fri 01-Feb-13 20:25:30

TBH I'd rather he just stayed out if he's going to go.

3monkeys3 Fri 01-Feb-13 20:30:03

I much prefer my dh to come home. I get all jumpy and sleep very badly when he's not here - I am a big scaredy! YANBU.

oldraver Fri 01-Feb-13 20:34:10

I think you not wanting to be on your own overnight is silly, you are a grown up so this shouldn't be a problem on the odd night.

However if it became too much of a regular occurance, you were always left to do the looking after and didnt get a chance to go out yourself...then thats a problem

foreversunny Fri 01-Feb-13 20:40:19

YANBU and I really understand the way you're feeling.

Is there an element of resentment towards him with regards to him going out and you being left at home doing the hard work alone?

My DH goes out on a regularly-ish basis on over nighters with friends. He has done for the last 7 years. I've been out once in 7 years overnight (and that was my hen do!).

Nagoo Fri 01-Feb-13 20:46:30

I'd want mine to stay out.

He'd piss me right off coming back stinky and useless.

LaQueen Fri 01-Feb-13 20:55:26

I used to wave DH of with a good grace, insist he stayed out and not return back until he was (pretty much) wide awake and showered and functioning...then, as he walked in the door, I'd smile, give him a kiss and hand the DDs over to him...having informed them that Daddy was taking them to the Play Barn, right away wink

Then I'd go to bed with my book for a few hours, and later phone DH and instruct him to return home with a take away.

Everyone was a Winner smile

I had absolutely no need/wish for him to stumble home very late, stinking and useless, and then lazing in bed groaning until lunch time the next day...what's the point of that hmm

I'd let him stay out. OP didn't mention a "massive bender", just that he couldn't have a drink then drive home - fair enough. And he'd probably be asleep anyway when he got home, yes? I wouldn't make him come home just so that he can help out if both kids happen to wake at the same time.

Store up some points OP so that when the baby's older you can swan off and have some fun. smile

TidyDancer England Fri 01-Feb-13 21:34:09

It depends how often this happens. If we're talking every other night, that's different from a one off or even every few weeks, etc.

LaQueen Sat 02-Feb-13 11:15:07

When our DDs were tiny, DH used to get a weekend 24-pass about 5-6 times per year.

This meant, I would wave him off with a good grace...didn't try and put any constraints on what he did/how much he drank/what time he had to back. The only restraint, was the next weekend then I would get a big chunk of free time to myself - not to go on a bender, because that wasn't my style...but, I'd spend the day shopping, then meet a friend for dinner, and get back late, then I'd have a lie in the next morning.

This way...there was rarely any resentment or bitterness. We both got a bit of freedom, without being made to feel guilty, or being given 101 rules and restraints on how we could spend that free time.

It makes me so sad when you see pcouples

BelaLugosisShed Sat 02-Feb-13 12:09:42

Why does it make you "sad" LQ? I wouldnt care for the life you describe but it works for the type of people you and your DH are, he is obviously a pretty responsible parent who doesn't take the piss, unfortunately it seems an awful lot of men aren't as equitable.
Surely not coming home hammered or staying out all night when you have a tiny baby is an absolute minimum standard of behaviour? It would be for me.

OP says "he doesn't normally do much in the way of child care" - this is a huge red flag to me.

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