that my partner didn't cut the umbilical cord?(128 Posts)
My first is only 3 weeks old and whilst we are extremely happy
and exhausted we are still quite upset by the fact that my partner never got to cut the umbilical cord.
It was written in my notes that he didn't want to cut it. When I was in labour however the nurse asked him again would he like to cut it and he said he wasn't sure and she said she would ask him again when it was time to cut it.
However once he was delivered the dr cut the cord himself and my partner was never asked.
We both feel like it was a special moment taken away from us. Aibu?
It all goes to prove that you don't need birth plans and it is much better to go with the flow. It beats me how anyone who hasn't had a baby before has a clue what they want beforehand!
YABU. Your partner should have made it clear to the nurse that that was what he wanted to do. Get him to chop through a piece of bacon with a pair of scissors. According to DH, it's basically the same...
Was the birth OK in general? it sounds like it might have been complicated if a doctor was there. You can request a 'birth reflections' meeting with someone from the hospital who can walk you through your notes, if that would help you feel better.
There were a lot of moments that did not go to plan or as expected with DS1 and the midwife was not brilliant. I would have liked him delivered onto my tummy, as was the fashion then but it didn't happen. This may have been becaused I was lying on my side and haemorraging.
I do have a lovely memory of DH sitting next to me with DS1 in his arms, chatting away to him, whilst I was being stitched up. I didn't know he had it in him! I had to ask him to turn him round so I could see him too
Have a think together and see if you can remember the unplanned moments, whilst it is still fresh in your mind.
You are allowed to be a bit unreasonable and cross about the other too.
The fact that he changed his mind obviously didnt get to the doctor. If you had written that he would decide at the time, then there is a chance that he would have been asked but....
a birth plan is just that, a PLAN.
I planned for a homebirth with 5 out of my 6 children. 4 were in hospital and 3 of those were inductions. Only the last one was at home and even that didnt go "to plan",
The only outcome of a birth that is important is a healthy baby and a healthy mother, and they can't be guaranteed. Everything else is nice but not a priority.
I agree that a "de-brief" might be good if you are feeling a bit let down. Birth is a huge event that imo is underplayed. I got PSTD after my 3rd birth and was told I was over reacting. But bringing a new life into the world is a massive thing, even if it all goes well and talking it through really helped. Perhaps you are focussing on that aspect because the whole thing was traumatic and you dont want to think about that. Talk to your HV about it and see if there is any post birth support you can access to talk it through.
OP he didn't miss out on doing something that all other dads do because it's quite out of fashion now, delayed clamping etc is more the thing!
IMO it was a strange custom brought in when men first started being allowed in the labour room and were totally un-prepared and a bit useless and this gave them a purpose! However men are now much more involved in the whole thing and more informed and help with hypnobirthing etc all through the labour, so having that one "purpose" at the end isn't necessary any more IYKWIM
Anyway, my OH has never cut either of our children's cords, we actually wanted delayed claming but couldn't have it, we are gutted about that but we're gutted because our kids missed out on the health benefits of it, although we do understand the reasons why it didn't happen in either case
my point is, its not something that all, or maybe even most dads do these days anyhow!
I cut the cord with number 6, it felt important to me that I break the bond between her and me, not him, he hadnt carried her for 9 months! Again, this was something I wanted to do with the others but circumstances meant I couldnt.
FFs are you serious? I have never posted something like that but I am seriously gob smacked that you would post something so ridiculous. You have healthy baby. Get over it.
Can somebody tell me why fathers are asked if they want to cut the cord? I don't get it. Is it some sort of patriarchal severing of apron strings or something? Why do people make such a big deal out if it? Does the father really need a little job to make him feel involved in the birth of his child? I don't like it. The mother does all the work then the spectator swoops in at the end to take charge?
FWIW my DH had no desire to do it but, trust me, after 36 hrs in labour he felt involved enough
Yabvu he did not sound too keen on it, who cares you have a well baby in your arms
My DS will be 1 tomorrow but I so clearly remember being in your place and the things that played on my mind in the weeks following his birth.
He is my first and the labour & birth was a massive deal. The birth had its moments - it was a ventouse delivery resulting in a 3c tear and an hour in surgery being stitched afterwards. I spent the first hour after DSs birth making small talk with the theatre nurses, with my legs akimbo & aloft, trying not to let the reflection of my battered bits in the theatre light catch my eye instead of indulging in a spot of much fabled newborn head sniffing. So there were things which my brain needed to process despite the fact that I was healthy, DS was very healthy and DH did not faint or vomit - woo!
But one thing I found, is that with babies, things move fast and change fast and you won't be focused on the same things you are now in three weeks time and by the time you're sat in my seat in 11 months you won't remember the last time it bothered you.
Your reaction is understandable but don't spend any more time worrying about worrying - your concerns will fade.
Congratulations - I'm very jealous!
Btw, at our NCT class, we split into two groups, men and women, for one session. DH said that in his group when they were asked about cord cutting, not one of the dads wanted to do it but they all admitted they felt a bit obliged because it's expected.
I'm sure the OP is very glad that her baby is healthy
you can appreciate having a healthy baby AND be troubled by circumstances around the birth - the two are not mutually exclusive!
Those whose partners cut the cord, can you explain what made it special? I would honestly like to know.
puffpants I think nowadays men know what to expect a little bit more, and are more involved in helping through the whole labour with the tens or massage or filling the pool etc, with many having attended antenatal classes or at least watched OBEM and had a bit of a chat with their partner about their role
but when men first started going in, I think they went in "blind" and felt very helpless and useless and shell shocked, so a "job" for them was invented! and that's why men are asked to cut the cord
It was important I have a natural water birth in a midwife led centre and I had it written in my notes. I even told the midwives that's what I wanted. I had an emergency c-section. Shit happens. I am incredibly eternally grateful and feel very blessed that we have a healthy baby. 12 weeks on I couldn't give a flying fuck how she got here. My dh didn't get to cut the umbilical cord either... You need to count your blessings
My DP didn't get to cut our sons cord as I had an emergency csection and they said they didn't allow partners to cut it. I never think about it. But I kind of understand where you are coming from because I long for photos of the happy moment after the birth with dp, me and our new baby, but my mother had the camera resolution setting all wrong and they came out VERY poor quality. I think about that a lot.
ScouseBrow, congratulations on becoming a new family. This tiny detail will fade quite quickly so just let it go and instead focus on the scents, sensations and joy of this unique time. My dd1is fully grown up now but I can still recall how intensely you share these first few weeks. Enjoy, if you can.
in the days before they were in the labour room, they were sent away to boil water and get towels to stop them hovering around the door asking what was going on!
I absolutely promise you that not very far from now this will not seem like a big deal. I know this sounds patronising, but when your baby is little every detail seems important (because DS was prem I knew down the last minute how much weight he put every day, how often and for how long he fed and slept). As they get older, this is less important - in fact, I can't really remember when DS got his first teeth, for example.
The important thing is that you have a healthy happy baby, you are OK and your partner got to be there to support you and welcome your baby into the world
Oh FFS actually bringing up the child will make this pale into the insignificance it deserves. It's a trivial thing compared against the commitment necessary to bring up a child.
Thats harsh Pam
The baby is three weeks and if a doctor delivered it then it was a difficult birth. I agree that it will pale over time but at the moment the OP is upset by it and being nasty isnt going to help her is it?
OP you might want to ask MNHQ to move this for you to one of the post birth boards/threads would be good?
My husband would have rather cut his hand off than cut the cord. He looked horrified when I asked him (when doing birth plan) if he wanted to!
I think you're upset because you've got a 3 week old,
who has completely turned your world upside down there will be so many more precious moments to enjoy that you won't care about this. Try not to let it get to you both & enjoy your new baby.
I don't think yabu you are three weeks post delivery and hormones are all over the place. But, its not that important don't stress about it.
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