to think my sons girlfriend is ungrateful?(144 Posts)
I have three children, the oldest is 22. He dated his girlfriend for about a year when she fell pregnant.
This was very much a planned pregnancy which in a way I felt sad about. I didn't quite understand the urgent need for them to have a baby when they are at a point in their lives when they should be buying a house together, or going on holidays etc
It was an opinion I kept to myself however. We said they were moving out and renting, me and my oh told them they can stay at home and therefore save up for a deposit. They decided to live at home and save.
My son earns quite well for someone his age and we asked that they pay £120 over all a month.
The baby is now here and currently 7mo, she is an absolute delight and it's been lovely getting to see her everyday. My son is working full time, and his girlfriend is a sahm.
My second son has his girlfriend over to stay most nights now. So altogether there are 8 people living in 4 bedrooms, it getting very crowded now and more expensive.
Me and my oh discussed it and asked both our sons to now start paying £150 instead. They both agreed.
The other day I was making myself a tea and his girlfriend had a friend over and I could hear them chatting (I don't think she knew I'd come home early) and she was talking about me and oh saying "they are so unreasonable, they said we could live here so we can afford a deposit and how the hell are we suppose to be that now they've increased the rent?"
I feel upset after hearing that, we didn't increase the rent to be spiteful and we only added an extra £30, and paying £150 a month for 3 people living here is less than what they would probably be paying if they were renting.
If they would prefer to move out then they could and there would be no ill feeling towards either of them. We bought her a brand new pushchair and cot too before the baby was born and I just feel she is being so ungrateful.
YANBU you have done loads for the couple. She was feeling hard done by and had a good moan to her friend but if she thought about it, she might realise how grabby she sounds. there again she might not. Hope your DS doesn't have a princess on his hands.
"Unfettered access" is one way of putting it!
I don't think you should speak to your son. You should speak to her she is an adult and needs to feel teh consequence of this. What do her parents do?
It is their decision for her to be a SAHM, yes, funded by the OP
That's the sort of decision I like, all of the upsides without any if the downsides. Cos adult life is like that, isn't it
The Op was happy for them to live there .
If they moved out, she would get the wake up call she needs.
I imagine that doesn't even cover their food.how about giving her £37.50 and tale her to buy a week's worth of food for themselves, then when it's not enough point out that £37.50 not only covers their food but gas,electric, broadband, etc?
I think a gentle but honest word saying that you overheard the conversation and bringing the bills to the table (including food) so she can see just how much you are subsidising her is really important.
She needs to know the reality of it.
I hope she is at least a bit shame-faced and apologetic. If not, I would be tempted to suggest it's time for them to find somewhere to live independently now.
That was more directed at the posters calling her a leach etc etc etc.
Op has of course been wonderful and kindly offered them this deal. £30 is nothing and wont stop them saving up.
However - this girl has a right to her private reactions - for all op knows - a few words of persepective from her partner - ops son - and the rest of the conversatin might have been...
" come on X - they are doing us a massive favour - £30 is nothing, it would be costing us a fortune if we rented .."
" Yes of course, your right - I know - they are doing us a wondeful favour -its just hard sometimes being here with your mum etc...she is lovley of course but i want our own place"
Maybe the converstoin eneded like that but op - didnt over hear that part?
I'd speak to her direct, she sounds like a spoilt madam used to getting everything she wants.
Show her an add for a rental saying you know she is unhappy with the rent increase so thought you would help her find somewhere quicker.
Shes going to have a shock when she has to stand on her own two feet, its one thing to help your own children but another to do it for their girlfriends/boyfriends.
Hesterton I think thats a great idea.
We lived with inlaws for the best part of a year when DS was a baby, and we paid significantly more rent than that (although we had to fight to be allowed to, my MIL is as nice as you clearly are!).
Yes, she is being ungrateful - but like the others I'm guessing it's because she has no idea how much it actually costs to live on your own - 150/month is only half my council tax bill for a little 2 bedroom terrace!
They need to have some kind of exit strategy - we only planned to stay a couple of months, but a year flew by because we hadn't really thought through what our plan was.
I was paying £400 pounds a month rent when I was her age and that was 16 years ago. Feel free to point that out to her.
If they pay £150 a month and your DS earns a decent wage, saving up should not take to long surely? If they save most of it? YANBU btw, I think they are taking the mick. I know you offered, but she needs a reality check.
I would show them your household bills and shopping bills and demonstrate that actually you are seriously subsidising them.
Energy bills, council tax, insurance, food, if you just count the adults that is less than £20 a week each! I doubt they even conver the food bills, to be honest, especially as she is home for lunches etc.
I would tell her you overheard, ask if she really means it, and tell her you don't want them to think you are ripping them off so this is your weekly / monthly bills, and this is what it could cost if they had their own place.
She should be extremely embarrassed.
I agree with Hesterton's approach. She is an adult. Treat her like one. No passive aggressive behaviour. Assertive, respectful and honest.
Be gentle. I suspect she would rather be in her own place (but she can make that choice and rent if she feels that bad). Let her reflect on her behaviour. It was probably a throw away remark but she needs a reminder that she has choices. She's accepting your very generous offer and has hurt you with her behaviour.
next life > you are going to be my mum ! i have booked you!(please)awful thing to say and for you to hear , assume she has no idea what the real world is all about ?proper little madam.!
Real life is going to come as a hell of a shock to this wee madam.
It was effectively a private conversation, so I wouldn't be too cross with her. But agree with Hesterton / cabbageleaves - to have a word with her. If you are not able to clear the air, then you will feel resentful in your own house.
how close are they to having the deposit?
i think you need to all work towards ending this arrangement ASAP before there are bigger fallouts.
Carling that is a great diplomatic way to come to it - you dont want to think YOU are ripping them off!!
show them receipts etc.
say you offered all this for her benefit - you thought they should still be able to save even with 30 pounds increase.
have a proper discussion.
Ask and discuss the way forward. Give her the opportunity to see what the bills are and apologise.
If she didnt apologise THEN - I wuold accuse her of all the things above. If she doesnt know - she just doesnt know.
Just please please dont take this comment to heart!
Yes I would call a family meeting. and round the table show all outgoings.
Mortgage, water, telephone, sky, insurance, food, poll tax, TV licence, elec, gas.
Everything - no mater how small.
Just so that they are aware of what is required to run a household.
Another who thinks the 'shes young' excuse is ridiculous. Do as somebody else mentioned and sit everybody down with all of the bills, and receipts for food and make it clear that they're getting a bloody good deal. I wish I had decent parents who I could stay with for more than a day sometimes. DP and I struggle to pay £640 for a sodding room a month. Wish it was £150
I want to move in!
Can I ask whether these four lovebirds do any cleaning? Or cook for you? Or help you unpack the shopping? Or buy you a bottle of wine for being lovely?
When I started working, single/no DC/20 years ago, I can't remember how much I paid exactly but my mum had a huge part of my wages, a small amount she kept for 'keep', the rest to save for my deposit for a house.
What about a chat with your DS and GF along the lines of: exactly what do you earn, let's see what that will get you and leave you with each month after bills, OK so you're going to have to learn to manage on £x per week spare money when you get your own place, so why not let me take all the rest now, I'll keep £x to cover your 'keep' and the rest I'll save up for you, you should have enough for a deposit in x months.
If you really want to, you could offer free childcare so GF can also return to work, part time/temporarily if appropriate, so they will be able to get their own place quicker.
Is there any chance that she thinks you're very well off? That still wouldn't excuse her remark but might help to explain it.
They pay £150 a month? That is extremely reasonable. I think I paid £100 a month to my parents around 20 years ago and that was just for me! Sorry you overheard that, it must be really annoying for you. You are not being at all unfair though.
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