to think my sons girlfriend is ungrateful?

(144 Posts)
MascaraLipstick Fri 01-Feb-13 16:54:54

I have three children, the oldest is 22. He dated his girlfriend for about a year when she fell pregnant.

This was very much a planned pregnancy which in a way I felt sad about. I didn't quite understand the urgent need for them to have a baby when they are at a point in their lives when they should be buying a house together, or going on holidays etc

It was an opinion I kept to myself however. We said they were moving out and renting, me and my oh told them they can stay at home and therefore save up for a deposit. They decided to live at home and save.

My son earns quite well for someone his age and we asked that they pay £120 over all a month.

The baby is now here and currently 7mo, she is an absolute delight and it's been lovely getting to see her everyday. My son is working full time, and his girlfriend is a sahm.

My second son has his girlfriend over to stay most nights now. So altogether there are 8 people living in 4 bedrooms, it getting very crowded now and more expensive.

Me and my oh discussed it and asked both our sons to now start paying £150 instead. They both agreed.

The other day I was making myself a tea and his girlfriend had a friend over and I could hear them chatting (I don't think she knew I'd come home early) and she was talking about me and oh saying "they are so unreasonable, they said we could live here so we can afford a deposit and how the hell are we suppose to be that now they've increased the rent?"

I feel upset after hearing that, we didn't increase the rent to be spiteful and we only added an extra £30, and paying £150 a month for 3 people living here is less than what they would probably be paying if they were renting.

If they would prefer to move out then they could and there would be no ill feeling towards either of them. We bought her a brand new pushchair and cot too before the baby was born and I just feel she is being so ungrateful.

Viviennemary Fri 01-Feb-13 17:17:02

They sound very ungrateful. Perhaps you should suggest they should have a spell at her mother's where the rent might suit better. You are right to be enraged. What an attitude.

CooEeeEldridge Fri 01-Feb-13 17:17:03

Sounds v ungrateful! But, has she ever lived independently before??? Heard a few friends say things like this when on a cushy number with parents, how their attitude changed when they moved out!!! I'd out it down to immaturity, and in 5 years time when they're (hopefully out) likely paying at least 5x that on mortgage remind her of her comments!!!

HollyBerryBush Fri 01-Feb-13 17:17:08

Out of curiosity, you say she is a SAHM - not on maternity leave then? Does she have any money coming in to the house deposit they are saving for?

Booyhoo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:17:25

i hope she's telling her friend teh right figures and that her friends tells her to catch herself on and see how lucky she is.

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 17:17:35

I think they need to move out asap.

For all your sakes.

I presume this young woman lived with her parents before moving in with you? Because if she had ever been responsible for herself, she would have known that £150 is absolutely nothing compared to the bills she will have to pay when they eventually get their own place!

Since your GC is now 7 months, I'm guessing they've been living with you for at least a year now. What is their timescale, when do they plan to have saved up enough to move out?

VestaCurry Fri 01-Feb-13 17:20:26

I suspect her friend may have thought she was being ridiculous.

I'd be tempted to have a quiet, non-confrontational word with your ds about it, tell him what you heard and why they need to make the frankly minimal contribution you are asking. If they weren't living with you, would your son's partner be able to be a sahm? I imagine you are helping them in more ways than one.

MascaraLipstick Fri 01-Feb-13 17:20:36

Take no notice, how ungrateful, what does the 150 cover? Just so I can feel total outrage on your behalf.

Thank you, really nice of you to say.

The £150 covers everything - room/electric/heating etc, we do the weekly shop too.

The only thing we never contribute to is buying nappies.

HollyBerryBush Fri 01-Feb-13 17:21:02

I'm more along the lines of - when does she intend to get a job and stop leaching from everyone around her .

bringmeroses Fri 01-Feb-13 17:21:38

I guess in her situation every £ makes a difference but it's galling she is seemingly unappreciative of what you're doing for her and your DS; I'm surprised her friend didn't say she was onto a good thing even at £150; they'd be paying a whole heap more living independently. I'd gently ask what their plans are iro moving out. I expect she is just frustrated at not having a place of her own and blaming the rent increase is an easy target.
I would be really upset in your shoes. Maybe ask DS if they have any plans for moving out, if you can do this without it sounding like a hint!

elizaregina Fri 01-Feb-13 17:21:43

get them to start looking round at rents - they would be paying minimum grand here a month for a decentish place to rent. thats not including bills.

they are young however so i wouldnt go mad - they just need a reality check.

then i am 100% they will be very grateful for what you are offering.

chocoluvva Fri 01-Feb-13 17:22:51

I agree that it's a pity you overheard her (immature) remarks.

I wouldn't mention it to her or you DS - it's unlikely to be helpful.

Try not to dwell on it - she's very young.

MascaraLipstick Fri 01-Feb-13 17:23:13

Out of curiosity, you say she is a SAHM - not on maternity leave then? Does she have any money coming in to the house deposit they are saving for?

Sorry, don't want to drip feed. She used to work and is now gets her maternity leave paid for by the government, so unfortunately she doesn't get a lot. She doesn't have any plans to go back to work though.

allnewtaketwo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:25:37

What a gas. She wants to save for a deposit, at your expense, and doesn't want to have to work.

Sorry, but this "she's young" excuse doesn't wash for me

phantomhairpuller Fri 01-Feb-13 17:25:52

I agree with usual
YANBU, it can't have been nice to hear her say those things. But, having lived with IL's before we got married and thinking back to the number of things I slagged off MIL about and it makes me confusedblush
They need to move out ASAP for the sake of your relationships with each other.

£150 for room and board for 3 people? She should be thanking her lucky stars for such a fantastic deal - i suspect if you added up what it costs for you to keep them it would be an eye opener for her, not to mention the massive saving on rent!

Pandemoniaa Fri 01-Feb-13 17:29:21

The £150 covers everything - room/electric/heating etc, we do the weekly shop too.

This covers food too? That's an astonishingly good deal and, quite honestly, it's going to come as something of a shock to the system when they discover the real costs of living isn't it? So yes, if she thinks this is an unreasonable sum of money to pay out then she's clearly on another planet.

I still think that you need to make a firm plan for them to move out though. How much have they saved? How much do they need to save? When do they plan to convert these savings into accommodation? That sort of thing.

calypso2008 Fri 01-Feb-13 17:29:56

150 pounds is not rent! It is merely covering the bills/general living expenses, before you even put your key in a door.

Rent would be SO much more on top of this.

YADDDNBU!

Fairylea Fri 01-Feb-13 17:30:48

Oh. My. God.

So the ONLY thing they are buying beyond this meagre contribution of 150 a month is nappies !??

I am outraged. She is being immature and very very unreasonable.

I fear she has no idea whatsoever about budgets and how much it actually costs to run a house.

I hope she is helping with housework and laundry ?

elizaregina Fri 01-Feb-13 17:31:06

I am confused - you did invite them to stay op? You do enjoy unfettered access to a GC?

The downside is, you have over heard a rude - and un grateful comment by a young girl who simply has no persepective of what you are offering.

You need to get out a paper one day - " lets have a look at what renting would cost you, now, you need a month up front, maybe furniture - etc etc etc etc."

once the fear of god was put into her - once she realised all that, THEN i am sure she would be grateful. alot of these things come with experience - and to get experience you learn!

Bottleoffish Fri 01-Feb-13 17:32:32

I'm more along the lines of - when does she intend to get a job and stop leaching from everyone around her

Really? whilst I agree with the OP that her son's GF seems ungreatful for making a comment like the one she did, presumably her and the OP's son discussed having their (planned) baby and what would happen work wise afterwards... hmm

Booyhoo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:34:35

"I am confused - you did invite them to stay op? You do enjoy unfettered access to a GC? "

hmm so OP should be grateful? what is the point of your comment?

Mollydoggerson Fri 01-Feb-13 17:35:16

Mascara Lipstick, i know you are not asking this, but I'm going to stick my oar in anyway!

If you are being so supportive to ds1's family, do you think it's spoiling them all a little, and maybe giving a bad example to ds2. You hardly want another baby and gf moved into his room on the same terms?

I think it's time to start expecting them all to behave like adults.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 01-Feb-13 17:35:49

How long have you had this arrangement?

How does she intend to spend her time as a SAHM? If she's home all day everyday from now, you may end up intensely disliking each other. Might be worth chivvying them along out of the house & into their own?

usualsuspect Fri 01-Feb-13 17:36:20

I think it's the OPs DSs and his GFs business and decision if shes a SAHM or not.

So thats why I think they need to get their own place and live their own lives.

buying a house is not the be all and end all.

You are doing a lovely thing letting them live so cheaply, bit I fear it is causing resentment.

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