to think my mum was out of order with DS and underminded me a little....(18 Posts)
Firstly I must say that I have an excellent relationship with my mum. Usually she is very supportive of my parenting and doesn't interfere despite her having an excellent bond with our DS's and in particular DS1.
Today, however, I was really annoyed with her. We were shopping in a busy shopping centre and DS1, who I must say generally does as he is told and holds DS2's pushchair, decided to act up. He is known to push the boundaries a little when nan is around.
Well I had asked him to hold either nan's hand or the pushchair but not to run around. We went into a shop and I wasn't pleased with his behaviour; swinging on a shelf thing and running around. So I warned him again that his behaviour wasnt acceptable as it was busy and he would get lost and if he did it again he would hold my hand and not his nan's. Well lo and behold he ran off again, so I held his hand. He kicked up an almighty fuss, tantrum, tears....the works. This is no skin off my nose and he can throw all the tantrums he wants, he must do as he is told.
My mum swooped in and grabbed his hand and said "dont cry, you can hold nan's hand!" I don't know whether she was embarrassed with the tantrum or whether she felt I was being harsh. I tried to bring it up with her as we walked but she seemed completely oblivious to the fact I was a bit annoyed.
I must add she has done this before and it left me wondering aibu? or a bit sensitive.
I would never fall out with her over this and I can't stress enough how good she is to myself and DC but I really hope it was just a one-off because DS1 is a typical 3 and a bit year old and im sure (if he hasn't already) quickly work out how to play one off against the other.
What are your thoughts? x
sorry I meant she hasn't done this before!! damn dumpy thumbs xxxx
I think she saw him upset and wanted to make his world all lovely again. And probably thought that if he was calm again you'd feel calm again and all would be happy and bright.
If it really bugs you, speak to her but not at the time of an incident when you are feeling irritated.
Holding her hand was one fo the first options, so I think she stepped in to enforce that rather than realising that in your eyes the situation had moved on. If she is anything like my Mum she woudl be embarrassed on your bahalf that he was having a tantrum and was trying to find a middle way to shush him.
YANBU to feel undermined but she was trying to help so maybe let it go this once.....
I think it's fairly common grandparent behaviour.
My mum and dad do the whole sad face mean mummy thing at me all the time. And tell me "oh, they're alright" when I have told them to stop doing something.
Thing is, if I had been doing what my kids are doing that means I tell them off and then have to tell my mother to back off - she would have yelled at me or even hit me! (I don't hit my kids, not meaning to suggest that I hit them. I just tell them off)
I say to her would you have let me do that?
But apparently it's different. "I know but... <trails off cos she knows she hasn't got a leg to stand on>"
you have to tell her about it. Because it gets REALLY annoying.
Plus, if I'm being honest, there's also a disgruntled 5 year old inside me jumping up and down and yelling s'not faaaaaair, you never let ME do that...
I think you should raise it with her. She probably did just want to help, but she gave him what he wanted when he had a tantrum- showing him that tantrums work. Did she realize that you had already told him he was no longer allowed to hold her hand, it must be yours?
Im pretty sure she heard me tell him that if he continued to misbehave he would have to hold my hand, not nan's. I agree she was probably doing it to ease the situation and yes, I would have never got away with it!!
My mum was tough when I was growing up and swinging on a shelf and running around would have been a smackable offence back when I was little. Times have changed and I would never condone smacking but she is lots more tolerant with my kids than she was with me. I find it nice that she's so close to them.
I've just read a thread about a lady whose mum is very poorly and it's made me think I need to be a bit more appreciative and let it go (this time). Thank u all though xxx
She was probably trying to diffuse the situation to be honest, just let it go.
I'd let it go to be honest. My parents are both softer with my DC than they were with me and my siblings. It's grandparents privilege isn't it?
If she's normally supportive, and it didn't lead to a complete riot from DS, then no real harm's done.
I think you're being over sensitive. You gave him the option of holding her hand in the first place, and that is the same option she repeated to him. She was making life easier for you, knowing it would calm him down.
My DS is the same age, and regularly asks for Nanny when he's annoyed with me.
Ride with it, pick your battles, and find peaceful solutions where you can.
sorry I probably wasn't clear, he was allowed to hold nan's hand but when he started misbehave I told him if he continued he would have to hold my hand (i don't let go) ha. That's why I was a bit annoyed because the punishment was to hold my hand not nan's and nan swooped in and held his hand anyway despite me deciding enough was enough and that he should now have a punishment (holding my hand).
Hope that makes sense. Im over it anyway, was just momentarily miffed but life's too short.
thank you all for the replies xxx
well it wouldn't be something i would feel i needed to raise with her but yes i think she undermined you.
you have given options and then a consequence for not choosing either of those options. ds chose not to take either option so you followed through and when he reacted ( quite a normal 3 year old reaction which i'm sure your mum experienced with you) your mum pandered to his tantrum and removed teh consequence.
not a big issue but yes you were undermined.
Good on you for not making a deal out of it Shellylou. I read your thread initially with a little envy that your mum loves you and your son and that the 3 of you seem to have a happy close relationship.
Ok she's going to get up your nose at times but her heart is in the right place.
Thank you for your replies ladies xx
Yes it isn't worth mentioning but I was just a bit Grrrrrr about the whole thing at the time. Probably DS1's behaviour didnt help my mood.
Im mega lucky to have her, she's amazing and I feel quite bad for moaning about her on here. Better to vent on here though than fall out with her over something so trivial.
Thank you for your replies, appreciate it.
have a lovely weekend all xxxxxx
I'm a bit sad that the option of holding his grandmother's hand is taken away from him as a punishment. Sure, he needs to know that he can't run around like a thing possessed and that if he carries on then there will be consequences. But the important thing is that he had to hold hands, surely? I suspect your dm was trying to defuse the situation too, not undermine you.
Yes Pandemoniaa, maybe in hundreds sight it was a bit of an odd punishment but when you're on the spot you choose the punishment that you think will make him listen. Hes only just 3 and the threat and carrying out of removing toys doesn't have any affect (yet).
Maybe the dynamic of our family is a little strange but DS1 would view holding nan's hand as being special. If we are ever all out together he makes a beeline to hold nan's hand (she works full time, so a shopping trip together is unusual). maybe this is why she tried to help by holding his hand because it's a rarity. At the time it was the one thing which I hoped would get his attention and make him behave.
Yes, the important thing was definitely that he held a hand but also that I followed through after I had told him there would be consequences for his actions. The consequence being that he would be holding my hand and getting away with far less than holding nan's hand.
aahhhh well done with now xxx
that was supposed to be Hinds sight, silly auto text x
I think a lot of GPs do this - and it's a case of very short term gain, for very long term pain.
My MIL's favoured method of parenting her own DCs, and now her GCs basically boils down to 'Whatever makes my life easier for the next 20 minutes'
So, she hopelessly indulged them, never had any proper boundaries and basically let them walk all over her.
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