To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

(564 Posts)
Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 17:39:25

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

DragonMamma Thu 31-Jan-13 18:09:31

YABU to be this het up over it but YANBU to feel a bit peeved over the cost of replacing things.

My DD is the same age and was forever losing dinner money, so I paid by cheque and they have now implemented an online system for paying dinner money.

Last year she lost an extraordinary amount of cardigans, she ended up with the wrong shoes on a lot of the time too. Now I just buy the cheapest, half decent ones I can an accept they'll go walkabouts and/or be ruined.

drjohnsonscat Thu 31-Jan-13 18:11:28

Lowla, hope you are ok. This must be about something other than your DD who sounds normal for 5 in her ability to lose things, regardless of ASD. She also sounds lovely.

Can you identify what's shaking you so much about this? you sound at the end of your tether (we've all been there) but what is it exactly that is upsetting you so much?

AllThatGlistens Thu 31-Jan-13 18:11:34

I really think you need to look at the bigger issue here, stop focussing on the material things and look at the situation a little more clearly!

Your DD isn't capable of looking after her things yet, this is obvious.

Instead of continually blaming her you need to be finding a solution with the school, I know how frustrating it is, I really do, but your little girl really shouldn't be the focus of so much anger sad

I wouldn't trust my NT 5yo with all this sort of stuff and she's pretty on the ball. The school's dinner money system is shite for a start. Regardless of what they say I would be handing it, in person, to the teacher or office.

I understand it's frustrating but you know it's going to happen so you need to think about ways round their silly policies.

littleducks Thu 31-Jan-13 18:12:28

I agree slightly bigger plimsoles or cheaply trainers, stick thick socks in if you are worried will do for PE.

My ds is in reception. I send him in with stickers, sometimes actually on him smile like I am going to after school club today or sometimes on his bookbag like 'my trip consent form is in here as I don't drop him off most mornings. He can't read but knows if he forgets what sticker is about to just show teacher/ta. They keep an eye out for them now too.

Ok, so the teacher is helpful with lost clothing items. I'm sure the shoes will turn up, as they must be in school somewhere.

As far as the money is concerned I would be going into school and insisting that you cannot and will not be sending any more money in with your DD in this way as you can't afford to lose that much dinner money repeatedly.
I know school offices get busy, but there are times when they aren't so busy and I'd be arranging to drop that money off at such a time myself.

ruledbyheart Thu 31-Jan-13 18:12:52

She is 5 years old what 5yr old knows the concept of money, sure its hard when on a tight budget but its not your daughters fault.
I think you need to accept the fact that actually your expecting too much far too young and you need to deal with it not take it out on your daughter.

Narked Thu 31-Jan-13 18:13:38

I know you must feel at the end of your tether.

(( hugs ))

[gin]

Now try to take a few deep breaths and think about this. She's 5. At 5 I would expect a NT child to lose things and wouldn't trust them to look after £10 every week. A child who is on the spectrum is likely to have more problems.

First, accept that she will lose stuff. Buy cheaper stuff. Label it to hell - even if that means big obvious marking eg writing her name on the side of shoes with marker pen.

Secondly , call the school and ask for a meeting with her teacher, head and the SEN co-ordinator. Ask them how they are supporting her needs? Do they understand the practical implications of her diagnosis? That she is likely to need more reminders about some things? Get them to agree that they will allow you to load her card for her and that you can mark/label her stuff clearly/obviously. And explain that any school uniform you buy will only have the logo on the first time - you can't afford to be buying pricey replacement stuff. And, due to the sheer volume of stuff that's gone missing and not turned up, including cash, you need to make sure that she's not being bullied/manipulated into handing things over.

sunshine401 Thu 31-Jan-13 18:15:03

She is five years old confused !!

God my eight year old still "forgets" stuff now. I pay for school meals myself as in a go into the school every month and pay at the reception. Thought that was normal. My children do take a pound in everyday for breakfast and they know if they "forget" it they go without so they hold onto it. I would not get angry at a five year old for misplacing stuff. It happens.

chickensarmpit Thu 31-Jan-13 18:15:10

My son lost his school pants and he didn't even have p.e. that day. Work that one out!

SamSmalaidh Thu 31-Jan-13 18:15:54

OP, YOU need to take responsibility for finding a way to pay the dinner money etc. You are taking out a disproportionate amount of anger on a little girl who seems genuinely sorry to have upset you (how many 5 year olds would independently write apology letters??) but doesn't really understand the consequences of losing things because she is only 5 and has SN!

Andro Thu 31-Jan-13 18:16:55

OP, has your DD only recently been diagnosed?

Your reaction seem hugely out of proportion (frustration = reasonable, shaking/crying with anger...not so much) so I'm wondering if you've actually had time to come to terms with her condition and it's implications.

Do you have a DP who can help you? Perhaps you need to find someone you can talk to, someone who can help you put all this into perspective.

Seabird72 Thu 31-Jan-13 18:18:02

I think the school is expecting too much of children that young, never mind just your dd. They can't just shrug and say not their responsibility when this amount of stuff is going missing. Have you been in to check the lost property box? I had to go in when my kids were much older than 5 to check lost property for myself and the amount of stuff I saw in there that HAD name tags on was unbelievable - dinner ladies and teachers just chucked the stuff in there without looking or bothering if it had a tag in it! I would check myself and then ask for a meeting with the head and your dd teacher to talk about the amount of things that seem to be going missing and their policy for expecting children so young to be so responsible. £10 is alot of money to lose. Also, do they accept cheques instead of cash? My dd has a card for dinners but she takes the chq to the office and they add the cash to the card even though it takes them weeks to then cash the chq. It seems to me that someone in the class is taking stuff from your dd - it culd even be a bullying issue - since these things seem to have disappeared?? You have to look into it. I thik at that age she won't care anyway - kids really do believe that we just pop along to the shops and get them whatever they want. Talk to her about being more responsible but talk to the school mainly.

DoctorAnge Thu 31-Jan-13 18:18:57

That is a lot of stuff to go missing. What on earth is happening to all this missing g money and items?

I understand it must be frustrating but it sounds like she has no concept of loosing them.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Thu 31-Jan-13 18:19:54

Perhaps someone is taking her things without her knowing. That's a hell of a lot of stuff to go missing - she may think she has lost them when in actual fact someone has lifted them.

I can understand that you are really frustrated, particularly if money is tight, and that you have reached the end of your tether but you need to try to calm down as it will not be doing you or your daughter any good if you are this wound up. Take a few deep breaths and try to talk to your daughter about the things she has lost. When she says that she doesn't need to look for her trainers because you have bought new ones, then talk to her and explain why she needs to look for them. I don't have children so don't know how much she would actually take on board but it has got to be worth a try.

I think you need to go to the school and speak to the Headteacher and explain your concerns about her things going missing. Whether she has SEN or not, it is ridiculous to expect 5 year olds to take responsibility for their own dinner money, particularly when the fact that at least one child keeps losing it shows that their system is not working.
The school need to start taking some responsibility for her belongings too - she is 5 not 15 and whether these things are being taken from her/she is losing them, the school should be keeping an eye on it. She clearly needs some support with her belongings. I would definitely go above her teacher though and speak to the Head, making your concerns more formal. It may be that other pupils are having similar problems.

And here wine - have a glass on me, you sound like you need it.

PS Go and give your daughter a cuddle and read a story together and try to forget about the money for now, you can't do anything about it right now and will only wound yourself up again. Then go to speak to the school tomorrow

orlakielylover Thu 31-Jan-13 18:20:00

I am a TA in reception and spend a lot of my time tracing lost coats, or kits etc. it will be about. The kids get changed by each other and often scoop each others things into their bags.

^^ this. I used to be a TA in a YR class in a previous life and my day was spent finding lost coats and bags and jumpers and toys etc etc. 5 year olds are generally not good at taking care of stuff. And they have no idea about the value of money. None at all. PE day was a free for all in my class. Carnage.

Cheap plimsolls will be fine for a 45 min PE lesson once a week.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Thu 31-Jan-13 18:20:38

X-post Seabird

HappyMummyOfOne Thu 31-Jan-13 18:21:30

She is five, poor little one. She will have no concept of money and all five year olds think parents replace lost clothes etc.

You need to stop over reacting, DS is older primary but still loses things. Moral is dont buy clothes or footwear you cant afford to lose.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Thu 31-Jan-13 18:22:50

And if the bloody school office is too busy to take money from small children, it's about time the school moved into the 21st Century and made online payments possible.

Dolallytats Thu 31-Jan-13 18:24:25

She's 5. It's not that she doesn't care, she has a much more simplistic view of the world. My son is almost 5. If I say i have no money he thinks I can just go to the cashpoint and get some. At that age it is not for him to worry about these things.

I feel a bit sad that you are that angry with your young child that you don't think you can nicely accept the picture she is drawing especially to cheer you up.

Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 18:25:26

I think i'm beginning to calm. A little bit anyway. Feels good to be able to vent on here.

DD's now tantrumming next door about a toy she can't fix. Scared to go in and sort it though because i think it'll set me off again.

I honestly realise how stupid it is to be acting this way. I've NEVER felt this way towards dd before. But i honestly can't even bring myself to look at her right now. She's just so bloody annoying.

Yes, i've researched ASD and i understand it. Of course i have. She was diagnosed at 3.5yo. She's HFA though, so a lot of the time it's as if she is NT, just a bit quirky. But then she does things like her stimming, her stuttering, her wierd behaviours that remind me she isn't NT.

I can never get to talk to her teacher. Parents aren't allowed to approach staff in the mornings, and the teacher doesn't come out at hometime. The kids come out themselves, with a random teacher from the infants overseeing things.

I have a review meeting again though due at Easter time. So i'll bring it up then.

TBH, there's nothing the teacher can do though. There's 28 kids in the class. no TAs at the school. Things get lost. It's not the teachers fault/responsibility to keep tracks of 28 kits and pairs of shoes.

BacardiNCoke Thu 31-Jan-13 18:28:09

I think you're directing your anger at the wrong person. She's 5 FFS! My NT 6 year old doesn't have any concept of money she thinks my purse produces an never ending supply. Hell, my ASD 9 year old also thinks this, when she was 5 she wouldn't have cared at all that she'd lost dinner money or her PE kit. It's not her fault! NT 5 year olds lose stuff just as much.

LadyMedea Thu 31-Jan-13 18:28:11

I'm echoing drjohnsoncat it sounds like the is more to your frustration than this issue... Do you have enough support for you and your dd both in and out of school. Being a mum of a child with ASD must be hard work and involve a steep learning curve. Look act yourself.

lljkk Thu 31-Jan-13 18:29:48

YABVU.

Squitten Thu 31-Jan-13 18:30:49

If you really can't see the teacher, I would go and see the Head Lowla.

My child has no special needs but there's no way I would trust him with money like that at 5yrs old. He's 4.5 and can barely concentrate long enough not to fall over his own feet! I would be fuming if the school insisted on a policy that enabled my child to chuck my money down the drain!

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