In wishing dd was less chavvy?(635 Posts)
Went to parents evening last night at 14 yr old dd's school, and noticed that some of dd's teachers were doing double takes at us. Basically because we are obviously very middle-class (which round here means BBC accent, no visible tattoos or bad hair extensions), whereas dd presents herself as an out and out chav.
When I imagined one day having a rebellious teenager I imaged her as a pretty goth, or something along those lines. You know - shaved bits on her head, intense hair colours, lots of black, chunky boots, and I smugly thought I'd be really tolerant and approving, never commenting on my teen's dress sense.
This is dd's ACTUAL look: half an inch of orange foundation, thick, thick eyeliner and six layers of mascara. likethis Hair straightened to within an inch of its life and coated with product. Massive cleavage (at 14 she's wearing an e-cup bra and will not put the buggers away), sagging tracksuit bottoms (with a bit of belly hanging out over the top), huge trainers.
She has a strong Sarf London accent. As far as food choices go, she turns her nose up at the food I make and spends her pocket money at the fried chicken shop or buying kebabs. Will only eat plastic white bread. No vegetables. Spends her lunch money on things like Panda Pops and Red Bull.
She doesn't read anything except Bella and Best magazines (I'm an English graduate and teacher so this is like a knife to my heart), and listens to the cheesiest, naffest, mainstream R&B. She has no hobbies and no interest in what is going on in the world. She's already told me she wants to have a baby young. A brown baby. Her friends mostly have mothers who had them at 16 or 17 and she sees teenage parenthood as normal and not really a problem. We live in the borough with one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in London, and she knows girls only a bit older than her who are having children.
Most of her teachers (weirdly) find her charming but they are also exasperated by her determination to fail academically, despite our support at home and her very good brain. Last night I wanted to disappear through a hole in the floor while her maths teacher talked about her constant chatting in class, her failure to hand in any homework, her bringing fucking SNOWBALLS in to the lesson and then having a strop when she was told off. She does the 'yeh but no but' thing when she's challenged about her behaviour - suddenly speeds her speech up so it's practically incomprehensible, blinds you with a loud flurry of complicated but intrinsically feeble excuses: "Yeh but, you said, yeh, that if I did last week's homework, yeh, like Kelly goes, whatever, he never set no homework, and you didn't tell me to write it down so it's YOUR fault, and and I'm not taking the blame for you not doing that, and Charmaine said, like, we didn't have to hand it in until Wednesday, but I was off Wednesday and you didn't tell me...." etc, etc, etc.
Last night she threw a massive strop as we were leaving the house to go to parents evening because I was wearing a Hobbs coat, DD said I looked too posh and would embarrass her.
I've n/c for this post by the way, because I feel embarrassed to describe myself as middle-class (although I am - privately educated, dad was a senior diplomat) and because it seems so mean to describe my dd as a chav - but it's inescapable that she has adopted a chav lifestyle and way of presenting herself.
And it's REALLY challenging my ability to be accepting of her as a blossoming adult that she's adopted a lifestyle which happens to embody everything I dislike about modern culture. And saying that makes me feel like a pathetic old git, but it's true. I could take her being an eco rebel, a punk, a goth, an emo. But a chav? It's gutting!
Isn't this normal to a certain extent? I used to drive my parents crackers with my dress sense (none) and manner of speaking. 'Like' appeared before and after most words, until my Dad started replying with "So are you like hungry, or are you actually hungry?" or "You can't like not be arsed, you're either arsed or you're not." My Mum always played the 'girls don't swear' (or whistle) card which made me swear initially to infuriate her and then simply as a way of saying, I'm a person, not a gender, stop making me hoover everything, I wanna go hang out with Dad. My Dad wasn't too fussed about the peppering of bad language, he just wanted my sentences to be constructed properly. It's stood me in good stead. I'm now in my late 20s and I speak good, innit.
Also, the pancake make up is a phase. Luckily for me, I only discovered make up when I was 16 and had moved out. I probably had the free time for it, not having to spend all my time cleaning anymore. Ah, the joys.
Not sure about the brown baby bit though, I never wanted that.
It works the other way you know.
I am a bogan, a proper paid up pig shooting, beer swilling BOGAN.
DS1 plays the goddamned flute.
Cringe. Not to say that a brown baby would be a bad thing. For anyone. I just meant I didn't want A baby.
Console yourself she'll look back and cringe
And her children will always like honey...
Goodword - I have totally given up on the make-up, hair and clothes. Her choice, her body.
School work is a different matter, but it's so gutting that she's aligned herself with so many other girls who are really unambitious.
Yesterday I found myself promising her a holiday with a friend in Magaluf if she gets A* in her GCSE maths and English. (she's been watching the Magaluf Weekender and thinks it looks like the sort of place she'd thrive!).
I definitely look back and cringe!
If this is true, send her to boarding school immediately.
at "we're going town", she does that too.
I can just see them in a few years time at their interview: "I wanna go Cambridge 'cos..."
Hortensia if you ever find a way to effectively deal with this "I've tried talking to her about how wrong it is to have double standards of behaviour around sex, how cruel and wrong it is to describe other women as sluts, ho's and bitches, but she's having none of it. She thinks I'm old-fashioned" please let me know I'll pay £££s. Out of all the things my eldest does, this winds me up the most and is the one thing that I can't not react to. I suspect that's why she does it
She has, however, awesome and comical doublethink in that if she perceives something as being clearly sexist, i.e. younger DD moaning that she can't "do" physics because she's "a girl" she's on her like a rat out of a drain! So I live in hope...
I don't understand most of the terms on this thread. I think I must accept my youth has gone for good .
This really made me laugh, sorry OP!
It's be my worst nightmare too but I can only think she's doing her best to rebel against her educated, liberal, feminist mum.
Blooming exasperating though and not sure how you're going to prevent the "brown baby / teen mum" thing, short of locking her up till she's 21.
I have no words of wisdom other than to keep on letting her know that she's loved, but that if she f***s up, you'll come down on her hard!
Your clearly not laughing.. But fuck it was funny to read!
Just hope and pray it a phase, my neice went from being a save the animals type to telling me dis boi iz bare peng yhhh and naaaa man I ain't doing it... I did remind her she hasn't suddenly got some urban roots and the whole family were laughing at her new 'accent' she still does it but does tone it down compared to what I see on her Facebook!
Hi Hortensia, your post made me laugh as well (sorry)!
My kids all still at primary school so still "innocent" but I feel some of your pain as I do wonder what will happen in the future. I already feel like an out of touch flintstone and worry how much worse this might get.
Totally sympathise over the "going London" - ugh hate that and the few times it comes out of my dcs' mouths I tell them to repeat the sentence with "to" in it. Same for "isn't it" at the end of sentences which should have, "don't they" or "aren't they" or whatever. Sounds (and is I think) like a really lazy way of speaking. The worst thing is that some (though a minority) of the staff at their school use "isn't it" and "going toilet" so what hope do we have against the rising tide of lazy speak!!!!
Anyway, rant over. If the culture in your area is predominantly a "teenage pregnancy" one, is there any chance of you moving?????
I do, however, agree with the poster who said you have to pick your battles.
Oh no, that's not good, are you sure she just isn't attracted to people with ginger hair or is she actually abusive about them?
Actually its marmalade innit? (see what I did there?) . Pooh likes honey
I think you are winding us up because of the "brown baby" bit which i think you got from Waynetta Slob rather than your daughter.
She has a strong Sarf London accent. Well she will do if you live in South London
Sorry, your post made me laugh. As a "pretty goth" myself (half my head shaved, it's bright blue etc etc) I am now terrified that my DD will not grow up listening to Metallica or sharing my AWESOME style....
I don't know what advice to give I'm afraid....I'd say "she'll grow out of it"....but I'm 29 and still spend far too much time on my hair.
Oh and I lived in SE London for 4 years....I HATE HATE HATE that accent....what is it exactly?
"Oh no, that's not good, are you sure she just isn't attracted to people with ginger hair"
Well now you say it, the one musician she does like who doesn't fit with the rest of her tastes (L'il Wayne etc) is Ed Sheeran!
You write so well, Hortensia & I was amused.
But what would worry me most is the teenage pregnancy & wanting a baby early. Make up, dress, speech etc don't matter too much & can (& probably will) be dropped in a year or so. But if she gets pregnant...............
I really think I'd move if I possibly could.
Haha, I was a bit like this as a teenager. I was embarrassed that my parents were posh and wished they would wear tracksuits and talk in dialect to fit in with the people at school. Forget about the image, dress and speech and just focus on her schoolwork. I never stopped working hard, got good exam results, went off to uni, started moving with a different sort of crowd and that was that. I think peers have much more influence during the teenage years but as you grow up you 'become' your parents. I have grown up to be as middle class and snooty as my mother, if that makes you feel any better
Oh and when I say "that accent" I mean the faux patois type accent that is adopted by the Yoot Dem, not the typical SE London accent, that my DH rather charmingly uses
Lessons in deportment, etiquette & a season as a chalet girl should do it.
I would copy her. Start wearing her track suits & make up, & she will beg to borrow your Hobbs coat.
DS, 9, has started saying everything is sick. This is a good thing apparently. No longer since I started saying the same to his friends, but sometimes replacing it with vomit instead. "hello darling, did you & George have a vomit time?"
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I think you should put her in care.
It's the only answer.
You have cracked me up!
I don't know what to advise re school but but when I was a teen my mum decided that coffee shimmer lipstick and cakey foundation were not the way forward so she took me to Allders and got the Clinique girl to do my make up all classy like! She then bought the blusher & foundation and showed me the light (whilst slagging off girls with tide marks, spider lashes and brown lip liner with concealer on their lips) subconsciously I got the message and changed the war paint!
Clothes- accidentally bleach trackie bottoms and replace with designer jeans and ballet pumps (she only needs one pair!) the only way forward is replacing the crap for something to show off.
Cleavage- good for her
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