ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
would this annoy you?(68 Posts)
I organised a cinema and dinner trip with 3 friends, all of them agreed. As I organised it I said we are eating here and watching this - all agreed.
I picked everyone up, and then one of my friends say actually we aren't eating there now and we're seeing a different film and then she wondered why I was annoyed. And made the remark - well if you're gonna be like that then we'll go eat there then.
I'm not a controlling person who dictates what me and my friends do, but I organised the night out and if she had a problem with it or wanted to do something different then she should have said it earlier instead of changing the plans on the day.
I'll add my voice to those who'd like to know how the actual invitation went, although unless you had a Colt 45 to their heads then they're surely unlikely to have felt too intimidated to venture a different suggestion.
But I think if I had decided to go out for a meal and to see a movie and invited friends to join me, then if they told me, after I'd picked them up to take them to the restaurant, that they'd changed the plan I would have pulled over, let them out, apologized for not realising they had other plans, wished them a good evening at their restaurant and movie of choice before continuing with my own evening.
At least I'd like to think I would but I know I'm too much of a wimp really,
If they had said 'want to go out on x night/eat at x and we can watch a film?' I'd probably make some activity suggestions which we could discuss.
My friends often say 'I'm planning this and that, do you want to come?' Then I attend what ever they have arranged.
As I organised it I said we are eating here and watching this - all agreed
You thought that as you organised it [how much organising was involved exactly?] that you got to choose what you all watched and what you all ate.
That sounds like dictating, I wouldn't like that an obviously neither did your friends.
If it isn't controlling then it is certainly bossy.
The OP was being the 'taxi driver'. How selfish of the 'friends' to get her to take them to a restaurant and film that she didn't know about in advance. They were just taking advantage of the transport.
Agree, that it depends if the orginial invite was to see the specific film and eat at specific place first, if not, and you just invited them to generally go to the cinema and eat, then I would assume which film we saw and where we ate to be up for discussion, not you then make the decision and inform me what I'd be seeing and where i'd be eating after I'd accepted a general 'let's go to the cinema'.
It does sound like the others have been chatting behind your back, which suggests you were being a bit overbearing that they felt they had to do this, think about it, if they had all agreed they would rather watch X film rather than Y that you'd arranged, normally they would each individually have said to you "actually, can we go see X film? I don't fancy seeing Y." if you are a slightly overbearing type, then the rebellion behaviour would be more understandable.
Next time, make it clear in your invite what exactly you are inviting people too if you don't want them to make the choices about what happens on the night out.
I love it when someone organises a get together with a proper plan. It can take forever for a group to come to a consensus on movies and restaurants.
I think the OP was NBU. The friends could have spoken to her earlier and suggested a change but to do it last minute, in the car, is a bit thoughtless.
Controlling and over bearing?? Give it a rest!
If I ring my friends and say I really fancy going to see kings of leon they agree but then when we're in the car they say actually we're off to see girls a loud then it is them that is rude.
You invited friends to a specific event if they don't fancy it they don't have to come.
I agree it depends on how the plans were made. I think OP was probably NBU.
OP - in response to all the posts above, how did you ask your friends?
You had decided to do something - you asked if they wanted to join you - if they didn't like your plan then they should have stayed at home!
It depends how the invitation went.
"Let's go to the cinema."
"Yes, we'd love to."
"OK, we're going to eat at x first and watch y" = YABU
"I really fancy going to see y, and thought it would be nice to have a meal out at x first. What do you all think?"
"OK, we're up for that" (and then change minds) = YANBU
This. If you stated what you were all doing rather than asking them 'what do you fancy seeing? I fancy this film,' then you ARE being rude and controlling. How can you not see that?!
A little U to change the film at the last min. They should have said about wanting to see a different film when you were organising.
The meal is not U, sometimes you fancy eating something different to what was planned!
I would be annoyed, my husband does this to his friends, its bloody rude. I always go mad at him.
If you don't like the plans don't go.
squirted. funny daft not funny haha, yeah?
I probably would, if it was presented in such a way that I thought everyone else had agreed it and I was being invited along.
If I then found out we'd all been told we were going to this and eating there, I'd feel differently.
But, whole load of interpreting of OPs posts going on here by me, cos I acknowledge it isn't clear and there are several interpretations of how things were presented etc.
It is the everybody was told bit. I'd be changing that out of sheer bloody mindedness.
[about 5 and a half years old emoticon]
I agree with Hecate on this one. I think it very much depends on how the original invitation was put. I bet they felt like rebellious teenagers! OP do you think they'd discussed it between themselves?
I went to the cinema on wed with a couple of friends, I can't remember which one of us arranged it but none of us ever tell the others what we are going to see or eat we just kind of sort it out between us. I've seen a couple of films I didn't really fancy because we went with the majority but I'm sure they have too on occasion.
I agree with the OP - this whole situation is stupid.
'Does anyone want to go with me to eat at X restaurant and see Y film?'
<get to the night>
'Actually we've decided we're going to Z restaurant and seeing Q film, without consulting you'
Yes, the OP decided on the original restaurant/film without consulting anyone, but her offer - which was initially accepted - was based on that restaurant and film. No such offer was made to the OP by the friends - it was just assumed that the OP would be OK with the change of plan. Ridiculous.
People should be asked if they like the idea and not told this is what we are doing
I don't think the OP is friends with robots. Surely if they are invited somewhere and don't want to go they can say no? I don't think the OP has pointed a gun at their heads and demanded they do anything.
I don't think it's odd to say - "Hey, would anyone like to go and see The Hobbit on Wednesday? Thought we could eat at Nandos before too?"
Surely the friends could say - "I'm definitely up for seeing that film, but would you prefer to eat at Pizza Express instead?"
Only on MN could the above situation be described as controlling and having friends rebel.
hecate, you are funny.
So if someone said do you fancy going out on Friday to see Psycho, and you would rather see Love Actually, would you agree?
Maybe this is me being precious with my rare nights out.
And before anyone says anything, I know these films are old, but it's a measure of how I don't get out much.
I do agree though that OP might well be controlling and her friends don't feel they can refuse or suggest changes. It's just that I personally am strong enough to say no.
i am no doubt projecting wildly.
I just know what I'd think if someone said we're going out and - what was it? "we are eating here and watching this."
I'd think whoa, buster. Hold up. Is that an invitation or a command but I'd probably nod politely and say ok, thinking I was going along with what everyone wanted to do.
So it isn't impossible to me that her friends could see it as controlling and individually not had the guts to say no, or each thought everyone else had ageed to it and so said yes but then all got together and said were you ok with that? no, not really, I wish she'd asked what I wanted. Me too, I would have liked to have seen X not Y, yeah, I wasn't bothered about Y but I don't really like A food, me neither, but it was like - this is what we're doing... well, what would you like to see? why don't we say that? we can go to eat at that other place instead...
Of course, they could all be like my mum, who can't make any sort of decision whatsoever, not even choose what type of biscuit to have and dithers for so long that I am seriously considering leaping across the table and beating her to death with the biscuit barrel
I think it was the 'we ARE eating here and we ARE watching this' and that they agreed to it, that made me think less agreed between all of them and more decided for them. iyswim.
Yes, it was rude of them to spring it on her, they should have just said at the time that they'd like to all decide together, but I do think from what was described, that it is possible that they saw it as dictatorial.
But, I may very well be totally wrong. It's just an interpretation of a few sentences.
from which I seem to have developed some sort of screen play
Hecate, I don't normally disagree with you, so this is a bit weird.
I have a friend who is definitely controlling. She will say let's go see x film, eat at y first. But I'm an adult, so If I don't want to see x film, I decline and don't go.
I would not agree to go to see x film, and then wait until we have been picked up, get others to gang up and see a different film / eat somewhere different. That is rude.
It's different if the invitation is to go to the movies to see an unspecified film. But that doesn't seem to be the case.
Them not you.
I didn't say it was controlling from your pov. I am sure you don't see it that way.
I said I bet they see it as controlling.
And I stand by that. I bet they do.
I certainly would.
And I would do what they have done. Said actually, we'd prefer to do this...
YANBU - I'd be annoyed especially if I'd booked the restaurant. Plus, as quite a few other people have said, there are certain films I'd want to see and others I wouldn't so I would be unhappy they changed it after agreeing to it. It sounds like one of your friends isn't really that nice.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.