Aibu to ask are you an alpha mummy? Is your dd a queen bee??

(190 Posts)
TheSecondComing Wed 30-Jan-13 16:45:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing Thu 31-Jan-13 20:51:24

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Bunbaker Thu 31-Jan-13 19:31:51

We never had any "Alpha mums" at DD's primary school. Perhaps it is a home counties thing?

MerylStrop Thu 31-Jan-13 19:26:46

I just don't recognise this stuff about "alpha mums" and cliques
There's certainly not Queen of the School run. At the DCs school it seems that everyone just knocks along fairly pleasantly with each other.
Then again I didn't recognise the playgroup bitchiness so often described on here, either.

A lot of it is in people's heads.

I do remember Queen Bee types at school. But nothing from the screenplay of Heathers.

HortensiaPollard Thu 31-Jan-13 19:20:03

At the moment I'm feeling more like an epsilon-minus-semi-moron mother. sad

Bunbaker Thu 31-Jan-13 19:17:22

And, no I'm not scared of the little madam, but DD is.

Bunbaker Thu 31-Jan-13 19:16:24

The child is damaging my reputation as a governor and by implication that of the school. I won't go into specifics, but she said that I did something I didn't and broadcast it to a lot of children (who would then go home and tell their parents). The board of governors have taken it seriously BTW so I know I wasn't concerned about nothing.

I am also affected because my daughter comes home in tears from school because no-one will talk to her.

Are you so thick skinned that when your child is feeling hurt and lonely it doesn't affect you? Or are being deliberately obtuse?

TheSecondComing Thu 31-Jan-13 18:37:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainrainandmorerain Thu 31-Jan-13 17:57:14

I got half way through this thread and was feeling quite anxious - all the judgement, second guessing, the 'I'm this sort of person/x is THAT sort of person' etc.

Then I sort of 'peaked' and thought - WOMEN! STOP MAKING EVERYTHING SO BLOODY COMPLICATED! and found the rest of it quite funny (not the posters who are unhappy, obvs).

I have honestly not yet met an alpha mum. It really must be a money thing. I have met mums who are quite good looking and groomed.... but that's not it, is it? I must be 'median mum' in that there are mums who are better looking/more haggard, poorer/richer, better qualified/less educated, more socially skilled/more awkward, more organised/less organised etc all around me. I am probably one of the oldest mums around (i.e an older mum with younger kids), but that doesn't bother me or anyone else. It's all a mix, isn't it? I feel very comfy with that.

I do wonder how much of this comes from women who had miserable times at school, and use that as a template for adult friendships and social patterns. Which is understandable, but perhaps a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. Then again, maybe it really does depend on where you are and how wealthy people are. Or is it women directing energy 'inwards' at each other rather than 'outwards' at the world...

Bunbaker Thu 31-Jan-13 16:04:11

"Bunbaker. A child telling lies about you and your OH? Really? Who to?what lies? How and why are you a) interested and b) bothered. I don't disbelieve you, I just don't get it?"

Why don't you "get" it? The school told me. The bully was reported by another teacher to the learning mentor and she found out that the bully had made up all sorts of fiction about us a family.

a) Because the things she said have implications on me as a governor of the school
b) Because she has sabotaged most of the friendships that DD has made and has made her feel isolated and excluded

It is cynical people like you that allow bullies to flourish and get away with their despicable behaviour.

MmeLindor Thu 31-Jan-13 14:00:07

Lesbian Gay Bi Transexual

I think. That's what it normally stands for.

Could be Let's Get Britain Tidy though.

Or Lazy Gits Be Tardy

Love Green Bottle Tops

cloudpuff Thu 31-Jan-13 13:53:56

Can I ask what is the LGBT campaign?

Lets Get Britain Together? or something.

frumpet Thu 31-Jan-13 12:55:11

LGBT ?

Maryz Thu 31-Jan-13 12:39:23

I was at a parent teacher meeting last week, where I wandered in and started talking to a few people I know from primary school. I have also met a fair few parents on the sidelines of various sports, and will chat to them if I see them at school. So there were quite a crowd of us all talking to each other and a few people around the edges.

There was one woman looking a bit nervous and clutching a cup of tea, not talking to anyone, so I turned to her and said something casual - I just said "oh, look at them all hanging around watching to see what we are all talking about" as all the boys were hanging around watching us through a sort of archway between where we were and where their lockers are.

She just looked at me and said "my son isn't hanging around, he has gone home to study", put down her cup of tea and walked off blush.

I'm sure she now hates me. But I did try to be friendly.

I will talk to anyone - though I have a really terrible memory, so I'm sure I offend lots of people by not remembering their names or whose parent they are.

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 12:28:38

Yes. I am pretty lucky. They are all really nice.
I would hate to be endlessly looking down on my DDs friends parents.
How do people cope if their DD is best friends with 'alphamum' DD?

nokidshere Thu 31-Jan-13 12:14:33

I am not sure I know what an alpha mummy is so I am probably not one lol

I talk to everyone, everyone talks to me, and everyone knows who I am simply because of the nature of my business and my personality. People at school are just people I know - one or two have become friends but most are just someones mummy that I talk to once a day! I am non-judgemental and have no time spare to join PTA's or committees and am eternally grateful that there are many who do so that I don't have to feel guilty about it.

My children (young teens now) are popular in that they have a good circle of friends and, generally, they are pretty placid and kind although I am never sure if I would like to see what they are like when I cant see them smile

I honestly dont get all this stuff at the school gates. I don't notice any of it at our school particularly or maybe its just that I don't notice it.

TheSecondComing Thu 31-Jan-13 12:03:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

naughtynaughtynamechange Thu 31-Jan-13 11:58:55

Lucky you. But at my school the "alpha mummy" crap is perpetuated by women with too much time on their hands and with too much vicarious interest vested in the social success of their daughters.

Nothing their daughters will be able to pay the mortgage with in 30 years.

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 11:53:27

Well ok - except I am 51 and my DD is 10.
And I have a great circle of friends because we seem to have managed not to have any massive cliques at our school. Perhaps we have just managed to get on and like each other without applying preposterous labels to anyone not exactly like us.

naughtynaughtynamechange Thu 31-Jan-13 11:41:02

Previous poster is correct. There is a nasty undercurrent of sexism to the whole concept of "queen bee" and "alpha mummy". It's about empty, ultimately futile politicking rather than talent.

I was Z-list at school. Undoubtedly still considered so by school-gate mummies, as I am overweight, not groomed, not good-looking, not English, and not a kept woman (actually I do the keeping). At 40 I honestly could not give a shit about the mummy hierarchy. After school I went to world-class university, have lived all over the world and now have world-class job in sector everyone loves to hate but really would like to work in because they'd make a fuckload of money. The queen bees from my school days have gone exactly nowhere.

The alpha mummies don't realise some of us look down on them because they really need to cultivate a life beyond the school playground. Grooming their daughters as mini-mes doesn't do the kids any favours either.

It's a bit like the LGBT "it gets better" campaign. Popularity/unpopularity at school means nothing in the wider world.

When we're all 50 the school-gate garbage will all be over, but I'll have a great career and a small circle of friends who would crawl over broken glass for me.

Lifeisontheup Thu 31-Jan-13 11:21:58

My Dd has just pointed out that the most popular girl in her class, who eventually became head girl was a rather plain but very sweet and kind girl with a strong sense of right and wrong, who always stood up for what she thought was right. She was clever(won a scholarship) and good at sport and art but never boasted. I guess the perfect headgirl and no one begrudged her the position.
Her mother was heavily involved in the PTA but her worst enemy could never have called her manipulative, we were just all relieved there was someone who could organise things and was good at crafts etc so the Christmas fair was a doddle for her.

BubaMarra Thu 31-Jan-13 11:21:42

I had a QB in my class. She was popular with the teacher and most children BUT she was also nasty especially to a girl who followed her everywhere. Remember how she took her her gloves because she forgot hers. The other girl was freezing. She also emotionally abused her like repeating how she was not smart, etc. I guess she just played on poor girl's insecurities.
I was never part of her closest group, but I was not an outcast either. I have never actually given it a thought. That's how it goes, some people we like, some people we don't and vice versa. I had my friends and didn't find her to be a person I would like to hang out with, she felt the same way about me and that was it. She never bullied me and in hindsight I guess it was because I didn't display sort of insecurities she could play on as I didn't give a shit about it all. When we hit 11/12 the situation dramatically changed and her popularity and power over other children just wore off. She was actually not a bad child, just a child that had some advantages compared to other children and she just didn't know how to deal with it and sort of got carried away.
The point is that unless there are some other reasons (physical and outright emotional abuse) to move children to another school, I would never do that based on this alone. I don't think it's good for them as we can't move children around all the time throughout their lives. Your DD seems fine, she does have other friends and it looks like she is dealing with it quite well. In a year or two the situation can quickly change and with children it usually does.

frumpet Thu 31-Jan-13 10:59:59

Oops posted too soon , normal being swimming /sports /music /dancing .

frumpet Thu 31-Jan-13 10:58:04

I always think of an 'alphamum' as being like the one in the column in the Times . Whilst there may be parents at school who's parenting is more 'intense' better than mine , i cannot think of a single child who is doing an extra curricular activity that isn't what i would class as normal .

ubik Thu 31-Jan-13 10:35:42

I don't recognise this 'Alpha Mum' thing

There are mothers who volunteer for PTA and pour their energy and professionalism into organising events, bidding for extra cash etc

I'm grateful that they do it. They contribute a great deal.

Hullygully Thu 31-Jan-13 10:34:58

The sad thing is, I am friends with some people who are on the "outside" and would love to be part of things, and they know why they are on the "outside" - they are a little socially awkward, very different to everyone else etc. and unable to make themselves mainstream enough to fit in.

But then there are others who are the same as above, BUT CAN'T SEE IT, so blame other people and feel bitter. Really they are the saddest.

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