To not want DDs, 5 & 6, to go on holiday to Spain with aunt

(125 Posts)
tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 11:31:24

DH and I have been invited to a wedding in Scotland during May half term and SIL, DH's sister, has offered to look after the children for us. She has done this often since they were babies, she is single, lives alone and is a primary school headteacher, so she likes to have them, does brilliant stuff with them and is generally a very good auntie. DH told me a few weeks ago that he wants to make a holiday of our trip to Scotland and that SIL was planning to take the children to Spain while we were away. I said no way Jose (sorry, very weak joke....). Partly because it is a long way for them to be from me and all sorts of things can happen and I wouldn't be able to get to them. That might sound overprotective, but I'm not particularly, it's just that I've hardly ever been more than a couple of hours drive away from them. Partly because they've never been on a plane before and I want to share that "first" experience with them. And partly because I want to go to Spain with them, not to Scotland for a holiday! So a mix of jealousy and parental protectiveness. The DDs are just 5, and 6 and a half, so still pretty young for a trip like that I think. Maybe if they were 10 and 11, say. DH is rolling his eyes about my attitude, and I have been instructed to call SIL and have the conversation with her.

AIBU??

LabelsGalore Wed 30-Jan-13 13:11:47

ChinUp what would happen if you go away with your dcs, on your own and you get ill?
what would happen if they get ill?

If I am giving the authorisation for someone to take my dcs away on hols, I am expecting them to be able to deal with all that on their own, just as I would have to do if it was me.
Actually I would expect the same thing if we were only 3 hours apart in the UK.

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 13:19:06

OK, here's the thing. I think DD1 would be ok, she's a tough old battle-axe. I think DD2 is more likely to feel sad or homesick or scared by the plane, bottle it up and not tell SIL and she'd feel miserable and I would not be there to hug her.

expatinscotland Wed 30-Jan-13 13:19:46

Sounds like it's your DH's idea to get a child-free holiday. I'd tell him to stick it. I don't do weddings far away, either. Stoopid, IMO.

I love my sister to bits, she's fab with kids, but no way I'd leave my kids with anyone for that long. I had to be separated from my little children whilst my eldest was ill. Now she is gone, and every day I was without her during her illness pains me.

You only get one shot at this, it's not that long, they grow up fast.

There will be time for adult holidays and such later.

YANBU. And if this stoopid wedding meant no family holiday for us, I wouldn't be going. I'd tell my husband to go on his own and stick a sock in it. Our family comes first as a unit.

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 13:25:20

Expat, I'm massively sorry to hear about your child. Thanks for your advice.

expatinscotland Wed 30-Jan-13 13:29:17

If you feel they are too young, then they are. You are their mother.

DewDr0p Wed 30-Jan-13 13:30:33

Your SIL sounds like a lovely fun and generous aunt.

However I also have a 5 and 6 yo and I wouldn't let them go away for a whole week. It's too long imho (for the kids and the aunty grin ). How long has your SIL had them for previously?

Andro Wed 30-Jan-13 13:31:20

I think DD2 is more likely to feel sad or homesick or scared by the plane, bottle it up and not tell SIL and she'd feel miserable and I would not be there to hug her.

Do you think it would be in your DD2's best interests to experience this?

There's your answer!

What is appropriate for one child is not necessarily appropriate for another, you know your children and need to act accordingly.

tittytittyhanghang Wed 30-Jan-13 13:32:23

YABU, i dont understand how your dd2 would be anymore homesick in surrey than in Spain. If anything she will have a whole load more holiday things to entertain her. Plus you either trust your sil or you dont, so i think any argument on whether she will cope with them is a red herring. Also flights from Scotland to Spain wouln't be substantially any longer timewise than trains/driving from Surray to Scotland i think. It sounds like you don't want them to go because of your own issues re missing out on some 'firsts'/anxiety away from them, which is fair enough if you feel like that, but pretty unreasonable to deny your children a lovely holiday with their aunt over.

LadyWellian Wed 30-Jan-13 13:39:35

I think YAB a bit U, although you've acknowledged it's mainly because you'd rather go to Spain than Scotland yourself. You are lucky to have a SIL who is so engaged with your DDs and you have reaped the benefit of this over the years (bit jealous here myself as my SIL has babysat literally twice for my DD in 13 years, despite living less than 2 miles away, yet DD still thinks the sun shines out of SIL's arse). I think you need to lay your cards on the table with SIL and see if you can come to some kind of compromise.

Lovelygoldboots Wed 30-Jan-13 13:40:31

Hullygully, I could never stay mad at you. You crack me up too much.

BlueberryHill Wed 30-Jan-13 13:45:59

Getting from Surrey to Scotland, you don't need to book in advance, you can just buy a ticket at the station and get on a train or drive. If you need to get to Spain, you need a ticket, you may get one at short notice / standby but probably not if it is a popular destination at half term, you may need to wait for a couple of flights or until the child comes home. There is an element of uncertainty that you don't have with being able to jump in a car.

Lovelygoldboots Wed 30-Jan-13 13:46:42

Sorry also Hully I thought you were being ironic and not serious. Just the tone in which you write.

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 13:53:57

Dunno where Surrey came from. But it's nearly there!

Thanks BlueberryHill, as you say, hard to put finger on why, but 5/6 feels too young to be that far away for that many days.

DoItToJulia Wed 30-Jan-13 13:54:15

I don't get all the people saying that your "jealousy" means YABU. As their mum, why shouldn't you get to be there for their first plane ride. If that's what you want to do and that's what's important to you.

Yes it is lovely that the DCs have an aunt wealthy enough and involved enough to be able to do this, but that doesn't mean it has to happen.

And those who are saying think of the children need to remember that a free holiday to Spain without their mother and father isn't the be all and end all.

OP, do as you wish, but you will need to tell your DH and sil straight.

galwaygirl Wed 30-Jan-13 13:54:28

Haven't read all the replies but my God, no way would I want my DD a plane ride away from me so on that point alone YANBU!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 13:57:02

You only get one shot at this, it's not that long, they grow up fast. There will be time for adult holidays and such later. YANBU. And if this stoopid wedding meant no family holiday for us, I wouldn't be going. I'd tell my husband to go on his own and stick a sock in it. Our family comes first as a unit.

Well said expat.

Astelia Wed 30-Jan-13 14:07:51

YANBU as they are so young. If they were 10 and 11 it would be very different.

My DD2 is a terrible traveller and has ended up in more foreign hospitals than I care to remember. Last year she was in a hospital in another country (school trip) and I was beside myself and she was 13.

For a 5 year old to be so many hours away is not good. I would not do it.

FunnysInLaJardin Wed 30-Jan-13 14:16:02

YABU I think. If this were me I would be really happy for my DC to have a week away with a responsible member of my family. It's the sort of thing my sister would do. She has no children and I know they would all have a ball.

IloveJudgeJudy Wed 30-Jan-13 23:02:39

YABU. DS1 was 5 and DB and SIL took him and "her" nephew to Disneyland Paris. I was so excited for him. He had a great time. Their circumstances changed and they were not able to take any DC away with them again. I just think that DS1 was so lucky. He already had a passport as we had been away with him ourselves, but not to Disneyland.

Agree totally with Hully. How lucky are your DC! I would just be so grateful to your SIL and allow her to take your DDs on holiday while you are away elsewhere. That is such a great bond for them to have. You don't have to do everything first with your DC, you know. It's lucky for them that they have such a lovely aunt.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 30-Jan-13 23:09:53

I wouldn't have been happy for Dd to go abroad for that long at that young an age without me. However she did go to France for a week with her grandparents when she was 8 and had a great time. I understand how you feel.

mrsbunnylove Wed 30-Jan-13 23:16:31

do not let them go. give up the scotland trip if necessary.

let other people do it their way, and you do it yours.

Hissy Wed 30-Jan-13 23:20:16

Oh ffs, the kids are 5 and 6, there is plenty of time for them to go abroad, when it'll be easier as they'll be able to help themselves. My ds is 7. I'm on my own, no-one would offer to take him anywhere, no-one ever has. He is the sweetest child ever, easy going etc etc. I'm exhausted most of the time, have him 7 days a week, week in, week out. Ex is long gone (thank god)

There is no-way I'd ever agree to someone taking him out of the country, let alone a childless person, on their own.

Looking after 1 DC on holiday is tiring, really tiring, looking after 2, such young ones too, would be irresponsible.

As for Amsterdam? Jog on SIL! That's not right at all.

Ignore those that say yabu, they are. These are your DC, and they are too young to be that far from you. Ask your mum to have them.

Hissy Wed 30-Jan-13 23:22:38

I don't see the aunt as lovely, the Amsterdam thing makes me think she's playing at being mummy.

It doesn't sit well with me for some reason.

deleted203 Wed 30-Jan-13 23:27:31

YANBU. I am sure they would be fine, and she sounds fabulously capable - I just wouldn't want my children of 5 & 6 to go abroad without me. Worst case scenario? - she's hit by a car and two bewildered children are crying at the side of the road in a foreign country with no one they know to care for them. Or she gets food poisoning and is ill. Ridiculous I know, but I just wouldn't want my small children that far away from me if an emergency cropped up. A couple of hours drive away from a 5 year old is about my limit. And I'm with you that I would want us to be enjoying their first time abroad as a family rather than worrying that they were ok. (Will they be ok without you for a week? It seems quite a long time for a 5 yo).

LadyBeagleEyes Wed 30-Jan-13 23:28:47

I agree with Hully, totally.
Your kids have a fab auntie that is not only willing to look after them so you can have some adult time at a wedding, but is willing happy to take them to Spain too.
And for some reason you have a problem with this?
Have I read the thread wrong?confused

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