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To not want DDs, 5 & 6, to go on holiday to Spain with aunt

(125 Posts)
tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 11:31:24

DH and I have been invited to a wedding in Scotland during May half term and SIL, DH's sister, has offered to look after the children for us. She has done this often since they were babies, she is single, lives alone and is a primary school headteacher, so she likes to have them, does brilliant stuff with them and is generally a very good auntie. DH told me a few weeks ago that he wants to make a holiday of our trip to Scotland and that SIL was planning to take the children to Spain while we were away. I said no way Jose (sorry, very weak joke....). Partly because it is a long way for them to be from me and all sorts of things can happen and I wouldn't be able to get to them. That might sound overprotective, but I'm not particularly, it's just that I've hardly ever been more than a couple of hours drive away from them. Partly because they've never been on a plane before and I want to share that "first" experience with them. And partly because I want to go to Spain with them, not to Scotland for a holiday! So a mix of jealousy and parental protectiveness. The DDs are just 5, and 6 and a half, so still pretty young for a trip like that I think. Maybe if they were 10 and 11, say. DH is rolling his eyes about my attitude, and I have been instructed to call SIL and have the conversation with her.

AIBU??

ThoughtsPlease Wed 30-Jan-13 12:05:47

If your SIL was looking after them anyway, she is not taking away time you would have been having with them. You say she is very capable at looking after them and used to it, otherwise I assume you would not be leaving them with her anyway.

I assume you think they would have a great time in Spain, it doesn't stop you taking them another time, so they get the benefit of an extra trip to Spain, surely that is great for them?

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:06:46

don't be mad lovelygold, no one in their right mind would deny their kids a lovely time with a beloved aunt.

shallweshop Wed 30-Jan-13 12:07:25

Tootsie, go with your gut feeling otherwise you are unlikely to be able to enjoy the wedding or the break with your husband as you will be constantly stressing. If its possible, I think its a good idea to do the wedding and then have a joint break with your DC and SIL in Spain.

irishchic Wed 30-Jan-13 12:08:31

tootsietoo I have 2 dds as well, and an older dsis who is the most adoring and kind auntie I could ever ask for to my girls. They adore her and she spoils them rotten. At the age your dds are, my dsis would never have asked to take them abroad, and she loves them more than anything. I would not have let them go if she had asked to do so.

You do not need to justify this to anyone on here, it is a gut thing that is very strong when your dc are so young. Maybe when they are a bit older, yes. But not at this age. Just be totally straight with your SIL about this. She sounds lovely, she may not totally get it, she doesnt have kids of her own and this is a mother-thing, but she just needs to respect your feelings on this one.

DragonMamma Wed 30-Jan-13 12:08:47

YABU

You say it isn't a spending priority (fair enough) but the minute your sil wants to take them you suddenly get all uppity about it.

My DM has taken my DD abroad before when DH and I didn't have enough money or holiday leave. There's not a chance in hell I would deprive her of a holiday because of jealousy. Madness.

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 12:09:32

ta for the tip off goldboots!

I know you are right hullygully but I am not perfect and I want to be with them!

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:10:45

This is the thing.

It's about you, not them.

Can you not see how unfair that is?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 12:10:51

Yanbu

I wouldn't want my children in another country without me either. I also agree with wanting to be there for their first trip on a plane! Their faces would be amazing! Who would want to miss that! And also their first time in a foreign country.

Just simply say to the sil that you appreciate the offer but you want to be there when your kids experience all that for the first time.

That does mean you need to do it though and pay the extra money instead of going to Wales!

irishchic Wed 30-Jan-13 12:12:34

Just because you dont want your 5 and 6 year old in a different country to you for a week does not mean that you are stifling their chance to bond with other people, have interesting life experiences, become independent etc etc.

They are 5 and 6 ffs, I could understand if they were 12 or 13, then is could be suggested that maybe you were being a bit precious, but they are still little!

Beamur Wed 30-Jan-13 12:13:49

I don't think YABU - I'd want DD's first time doing these big milestone events to be with me and DP too, not another family member.
Your SIL sounds great though, and your daughters will really benefit from a loving fun aunt to do things with.
Perhaps you need to have a chat with her though about how you feel about her taking them abroad just yet - I wouldn't want to be in a different country to my 5 yr old DD either. But maybe I'd feel differently once she is a bit older.
One thing I wouldn't like much in your situation though is the feeling the DH and SIL are talking these things through and then suggesting them to you.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:13:58

oh well

<despairs>

irishchic Wed 30-Jan-13 12:14:55

The OP is not putting her needs before her dd'd because her dd's dont actually need to go to Spain, they would be quite happy i imagine at home with their auntie.

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 12:15:15

NB it is not ONLY jealousy. There is the issue of the fact they would be probably a day's travel time away if there was a problem. And the fact I would like to go too because it would be a fun thing to do with them and I want to be part of that.

I think I will try to go with that option, that I will go with them, and hopefully DH as well.

irishchic Wed 30-Jan-13 12:17:23

Also I dont agree with the posters who are saying that you now have to follow through and book a holiday to Spain with the dd's poste haste just to prove that you wanted to experience this with them for their first time.

Book whatever bloody holiday suits you as a family, and dont be rushed in to going on a holiday that you dont need or want to, just to prove a point!

DragonMamma Wed 30-Jan-13 12:18:07

hully - I'm with you.

Maria33 Wed 30-Jan-13 12:20:54

I have no idea whether Hully gully has her tonue in cheek but she speaks sense imo.
You are happy to leave them with SIL while you go on holiday for a week. You could take them to Spain but choose not to. You know they'd love to go to Spain (hence the imagined happy faces), you still don't want to take them, your SIL does, you don't want to cos you'll miss out.
Take them to Spain if you want to - if not, let them go with SIL. They are so lucky.
Lucky them, lucky you. You will appreciate this relationship more and more as they get older and you will always be their mum- not as fun as the aunty, but that's not a mum's prerogative. You're their mum - you'll always be number1 - no matter how many holidays SIL takes them on - that's your prerogative! Enjoy being part of a wide supportive family network. Ultimately it will make your relationship with your kids stronger.

DragonMamma Wed 30-Jan-13 12:22:09

Won't somebody think of the children? (silently weeping)

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:22:40

I do not have my sodding tongue in my sodding cheek ffs

iwillsleepagainsomeday Wed 30-Jan-13 12:23:52

I would jump for joy at this occasion. They are 5, not 2. It would do some good to me and my husband. And i am still my dc favourite mummy for it. As they grow up there will be more 'first ones' you will not experience with them. Think about how exited they will be to tell you all about their trip with their fab aunt!

shallweshop Wed 30-Jan-13 12:25:12

Hullygully don't think you need to despair - we are talking about a 5 and a 6 year old - they won't fully appreciate the cultural experience that a trip to Spain will offer and would more than likely be just as happy at the Auntie's house. They could however get a bit overwhelmed about all the new experiences - plane trip, different country, food, language, and need their mum there for reassurance. I would find it quite a handful to travel to spain on my own with my two DC so I know I would not feel comfortable in the OP's situation.

UC Wed 30-Jan-13 12:26:59

I would let them go. You can go another time. Don't be precious about "the first time in an aeroplane". They'll have a great time.

UC Wed 30-Jan-13 12:27:45

totally with hullygully, and my tongue is definitely nowhere near my cheek!

DragonMamma Wed 30-Jan-13 12:30:13

I don't get all the fuss around 'firsts' - who takes them swimming first, gets their first haircut etc. It's just weird to dominate every 'first' for purely selfish reasons.

You sil sounds great btw. I wish mine were half as good.

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 12:30:33

you lot haven't helped much at all, you do not all think the same, I expected the Mumsnet Liberal Harridans (what did Toby Young call you/us??) to give me a definitive answer, now I am going to have to think for myself!

Bluemonkeyspots Wed 30-Jan-13 12:31:00

I would let them go but fly out after the wedding and surprise them at the hotel (surprise dc not sil- let her know)

Then you could spend the rest of the week doing all the fun water parks etc and fly back as a family

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