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To not want DDs, 5 & 6, to go on holiday to Spain with aunt

(125 Posts)
tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 11:31:24

DH and I have been invited to a wedding in Scotland during May half term and SIL, DH's sister, has offered to look after the children for us. She has done this often since they were babies, she is single, lives alone and is a primary school headteacher, so she likes to have them, does brilliant stuff with them and is generally a very good auntie. DH told me a few weeks ago that he wants to make a holiday of our trip to Scotland and that SIL was planning to take the children to Spain while we were away. I said no way Jose (sorry, very weak joke....). Partly because it is a long way for them to be from me and all sorts of things can happen and I wouldn't be able to get to them. That might sound overprotective, but I'm not particularly, it's just that I've hardly ever been more than a couple of hours drive away from them. Partly because they've never been on a plane before and I want to share that "first" experience with them. And partly because I want to go to Spain with them, not to Scotland for a holiday! So a mix of jealousy and parental protectiveness. The DDs are just 5, and 6 and a half, so still pretty young for a trip like that I think. Maybe if they were 10 and 11, say. DH is rolling his eyes about my attitude, and I have been instructed to call SIL and have the conversation with her.

AIBU??

TisTheSeasonToBeJolly Wed 30-Jan-13 11:35:44

No yanbi, I don't think id like that either. If you don't want your daughters going abroad then don't let them go.

Lovelygoldboots Wed 30-Jan-13 11:37:41

I don't think yabu, I think your husband is. He wants to go on holiday to Scotland and you don't especially without your kids. He has not put your needs first at all. I can understand it, I have never taken my kids abroad and we are hoping for a trip to Spain this year and would be gutted if someone else took them, no matter how good their intentions.

KC225 Wed 30-Jan-13 11:41:13

No - 5 and 6 is still quite young. By the sounds of it, I do think they would ok with your SIL but I get the whole 'first experience' of a flight and Spain. I think when you do speak to SIL in law, that is the approach you should take - a holiday in Spain would be so much fun that I would want to be there. Make a joke and admit your jealousy. She sounds like a great Auntie, I'm sure she'll understand.

Would you be happy holidaying in Scotland if she was staying at home?

I can understand where you are coming from but I think its unreasonable to expect her to do you such a massive favour while you go away for a few days and stipulate that she has to stay at home.

Is there someone else that could babysit if she wants to go abroad?

hermioneweasley Wed 30-Jan-13 11:43:31

Your SIL sounds fab. Could you go to the wedding and then fly to join them in Spain?

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 11:44:52

Yes, that's the problem, she's got all good intentions, and I am feeling left out and a bit jealous (as well as worried!) so I am the "bad" one. However, I feel as their mother, it is my prerogative to put my foot down if I want to. DH is saying that they should be able to have the experience. In that case I think we need to take them to Spain, not SIL, if he thinks they need the travelling experience. We could afford it, it's just that we choose not to, whereas for SIL travelling abroad is more important to her.

iseenodust Wed 30-Jan-13 11:47:25

I wouldn't be turning the wedding trip into an adults only holiday. A nice weekend break then get the DC. <Not judgey just my preference.> Then perhaps a few days holiday as a family (incl. or without SIL).

irishchic Wed 30-Jan-13 11:50:14

No OP Yanbu at all. It is perfectly understandable and reasonable how you feel about this. Sil should understand, and so should your dh, he is being unfair by doing the eye rolling routine, just put your foot down, as their mother that is your prerogative.

MrsMushroom Wed 30-Jan-13 11:50:46

YANBU BUT it is a bit odd to say "We should be taking them to Spain not her" and then adding "We could afford to but choose not to"

Why?

Is it DHs choice?

Lovelygoldboots Wed 30-Jan-13 11:51:08

Do you want to go on holiday to Scotland without your kids? If you do then I think YABU if you could have gone abroad with kids and chosen not too. For me going abroad to Spain is a massive deal so maybe my situation is not the same. What do you want to do?? Is this all your husbands decision or do you have any say in it?? Decide and then there is your answer but I would not dictate anything if you want to go to Scotland anyway.

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 11:51:16

MissyMoo, exactly that, I will feel terrible saying "you may look after them, but I'll stop you having fun while you do"! Yes, my mum would happily have them, so I won't be stopping her from going away in half term if that's what she wants to do.

Hermione, that might be the sensible win win answer. Perhaps if she had them for a day and a night, then we all went to Spain together for the rest of the week, that might keep us all happy?

And by the by, DH told me last night that she is going to Amsterdam in Feb to meet a friend for a weekend and she wants to take DD1 with her. I am sort of feeling that she is borrowing my children for the fun stuff and to "show off" a bit. Now that is not a bad thing because I am pleased that they are nice for her to be with and that she's proud of them and that they have fun together - aunts are supposed to be fun, aren't they? But I still feel jealous!

irishchic Wed 30-Jan-13 11:56:50

I am sorry but I would not be letting anyone else take my kids abroad when they are that young, beloved auntie or not. Amsterdam?? Thats ridiculous!

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 11:57:05

MrsMushroom, we always start on the "what shall we do for holidays this year", look at some ideas, price it up, and then think "bloody hell we're not spending 2 grand on a week in a villa in spain" and end up going to wales! I like the idea of holiday in spain, it's just not a spending priority. But we could put aside the money if we thought it was really important. So if DH is saying "let her take them because it's a great experience" well my feeling is that if he thinks that experience is really important, then it's something we should all enjoy together. If it's not really important, well then it doesn't matter if they don't go.

It's a funny one. I sound unreasonable to myself when I say all this, but I don't feel unreasonable. My gut feeling says to me that I am NBU.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 11:59:28

You are being one hundred percent insanio

You should fall to the ground and cry and weep with gratitude at your SIL's feet.

You have no idea how fortunate you are that another adult and relative loves your children and wants to look after them for a WEEK. And how lovely for your children to have a close bond with another adult. My dc are v v close to their aunt and it is invaluable. Please don't be silly.

dear lord

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 11:59:48

hey, thanks irishchic, you are making me feel better about feeling grumpy!

lovelygoldboots, what I would like to do is go to the wedding (it is a friend of DHs, it is important to him, it will be fun and I want to go) which is one day and one night away, with SIL or my mother looking after the children for that short time, then come home and spend the rest of half term doing fun stuff at home.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:01:45

I am astonished that out of your own jealousy you would deny your dc the chance to have a fabulous week with someone they love.

Astonished.

Lovelygoldboots Wed 30-Jan-13 12:01:53

I think you need to take charge a bit more. It sounds as though DH and SIL are not talking to you about decisions they are making about your kids that you may well agree to if you were involved a bit more. I am a bit shocked about the Amsterdam thing to be honest. I don't think its fair that he decided that without involving you.

MrsOakenshield Wed 30-Jan-13 12:01:59

aaah, she sounds like the perfect fun aunt!!!!. I understand you feel jealous, I would too, but I also feel jealous that your DDs have someone like that in their life, how wonderful for them. I would do as hermione said, dirty weekend wedding in Scotland for you and DH, then join them in Spain. Win win!

Would she take offence if you said you didn't realise she wanted to go to spain for her holidays, and suggest your Mum take the girls instead as you were planning on taking them next year as a surprise, or something along those lines. Then that puts the ball in her court whether she wants to go on holiday or to have your dds.

Its a tricky one to handle without causing upset.

Maria33 Wed 30-Jan-13 12:02:22

What Hullygully said

Jeez - some people don't know they're born grin

In fact, pass her on to me. We'll adopt her wink

tootsietoo Wed 30-Jan-13 12:03:50

hmmmm. well I see your point hullygully. it's not an obvious answer anyway, opinions at both ends of the argument!

Lovelygoldboots Wed 30-Jan-13 12:04:08

BTW I do know that Hullygully posts everything with her virtual tongue in her virtual cheek. Stop it Hully, naughty (slaps Hullys legs)

jellybeans Wed 30-Jan-13 12:04:20

YANBU. If you are not happy don't do it. I declined MIL's offer totake DD1 abroad without us when she was 1. I would hate to be in another country from my small DC. Politely decline. I wouldn't go to the wedding either to be honest of the kids weren't invited and it is a long way. DH went to one on his own recently that that reason.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:05:30

Seriously, you should embrace these opportunities and possibilities and most importantly relationships that your children have. The more you can give them, both opportunity and relationship-wise, the more confident they will be in the world and the better people they will be. They will learn to be flexible, not to panic, to look after themselves, to love other people, that different people do things in different ways...

You'll still be their mum and their best-beloved you daft bint

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