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AIBU to not want to pick up my SIL's kids every Tuesday

(56 Posts)
Ghanagirl Tue 29-Jan-13 14:10:56

Y five year old twins go to the same school as my husbands 2 older nieces. In October my sis in law asked me to pick up kids and take them to after school classes, I was happy to do it as a once off but she now expects me to do it every week as she works and I don't at present. I just feel she's taking advantage as she asked me to babysit on Saturday as she had to go to a distant relatives funeral
and got really cross when I said I couldn't, she then said my DH should also be going and that I was stoping him from taking part in cultural traditions! My DH said to ignore her but he doesn't really stand up to her, sorry about the rambling but would like to know what others would do in my situation

RedHelenB Tue 29-Jan-13 18:21:30

I think YABU, It's a small slot of time one afternoon a week.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 29-Jan-13 18:23:20

Fair enough then dont let yourself be taken the pee out of. I think the fact you have twins and its two extra kids its not like its just an extra one. Its alot for you to deal with. Id keep it emergency's only.. she is family after all.

Samnella Tue 29-Jan-13 18:26:13

What is involved exactly? Do you have to go out of your way? Do you have to go and collect them afterwards? Need full info before I can say.

Hissy Brazil Tue 29-Jan-13 18:57:16

We none of uis need do anything we don't want to. OP is no exception.

She feels SIL is and has been abusing her relationship, and her in person to an extent, she's well within her rights to say no.

Yanbu OP, it's a commitment for which there appears to be no gratitude. You've done your bit for her. Your DH doesn't like her style of parenting, so you know he backs you.

No, sorry it's not possible SIL, and leave it at that.

chanie44 Tue 29-Jan-13 19:13:54

You don't have much of an idea how difficult it is for working parents do you. My sister pays for childcare but hasn't found a childminder who will take her children to after school activities as they have other children to look after.

Also, I don't think that asking a relative to look after the children, your nieces is palming them off, if the parent is at work. It would be different if she was having a lie in......

I do think your sil does sound like a pita, but maybe you dislike her so much, she can't do anything right. At the end of the day, she is just a parent trying to juggle life, kist like everyone else.

If you don't want to do it, then make yourself unavailable and say you have other commitments.

Hissy Brazil Tue 29-Jan-13 19:22:26

Op was working recently so it would seem, just isn't atm.

I work FT, have 2 Childminders that cover the 5 days afterschool care. I had to cancel all weekday activities for DS, as it just can't be done. He does his things with me on the weekends.

If SIL is so bothered about her DC being kept occupied, she could get an au pair to take them to and from activities, or do what every other working parent does, PAY for a Childminder. By the sounds of it, she's doing neither.

The fact that OP doesn't work atm, but doesn't want to take on a thankless task is neither here nor there. The DC are not HER responsibility, she has enough to deal with already with the twins, I'll bet.

Bobyan Tue 29-Jan-13 19:22:32

This is what the third or fourth thread you have posted that involves her? All with similar issues - I've obviously got it wrong you clearly adore her grin

DoItToJulia Tue 29-Jan-13 19:27:46

You have got to do (or not do) what you want to do. If you choose not to have e kids you need to tell her straight. Simples!

chicaguapa Tue 29-Jan-13 19:39:19

On the face of it YABU as you should be happy to help out a family member with your DN if they work FT and you don't. It's like living in a family-orientated society.

But it sounds like there's lots of back story which makes you not want to help her out. And she's been unpleasant to you.

What will your DN do if you can't/ won't do it? Maybe you could see it as you're helping them out instead and making things easier for them. Presumably they haven't done anything to upset you?

If you change the focus, it might make you more inclined to do it.

CaptainVonTrapp Tue 29-Jan-13 20:08:50

You should be happy to help out a family member with your DN if they work FT and you don't

Why?

Why shouldn't the family member get a childminder like everyone else?

Why when it will be never be two way as the OP wouldn't leave her DC with this woman?

Why would you help out a family member who is disrespectful and racist towards you?

The OP works (I believe) part time. Why should she use her free time to ferry her DSiL's children while DSiL continues to bring in a full time wage but avoid childcare?

chicaguapa Tue 29-Jan-13 20:25:51

I'm not saying she's wrong and I understand that there are lots of reasons why OP doesn't want to. Just think the world would be a nicer place if we helped family out instead of living in a 'why should SIL get away without paying for childcare?' world.

Who knows maybe SIL had a thread running AIBU to wonder why my DB & SIL couldn't pay for a hotel for 2 weeks?

CaptainVonTrapp Tue 29-Jan-13 20:40:35

The world would certainly be a nicer place for the SIL if the OP continued to have two extras on a permanent basis... Not sure where it leaves the OP though. Other than run ragged.

Ghanagirl Tue 29-Jan-13 20:42:16

As I've said, we stayed with her for two weeks but they stayed with us when we didn't have kids, and I helped her then, not against helping, but I was working until 6 months ago, but left so I could pick up and drops two to school which means we have less money, she wants to work so she can have more money which is her choice, but then she should pay someone to help. She only contacts me when she wants something, when I was on maternity leave looking after twins she wanted me to look after her youngest who was three at the time, she doesn't like paying for child care and she doesn't enjoy spending time with her kids. For all posters saying I should continue to do it, would you seriously expect someone else to look after you kids so you could earn more money and then berate them for not also babysitting on the weekend

drjohnsonscat Tue 29-Jan-13 20:45:08

Not sure why you are posting. You know what you think and you think all posters who take a different view are wrong so what is the point of this discourse?

LittleMissFantabulous Tue 29-Jan-13 21:02:51

I think if she's expecting this to be a permanent arrangement you're perfectly entitled to say no. Childcare is not cheap, but it's the peril of working and having children. She needs to suck that up.

Ghanagirl Tue 29-Jan-13 21:05:55

Drjohnsoncat
I posted for opinions, doesn't mean I have to agree, really don't think the fact that she's just a parent juggling work childcare means she should take advantage of others, like I said I was working but found it impossible to do school run plus get to work on time or pick them up on time

chicaguapa Tue 29-Jan-13 21:09:45

I just don't like the responses that say 'why should SIL get free childcare, I don't?' and 'you do what you want to do'. hmm

The responses that say 'SIL has been a complete cow to you and is taking advantage' convey a different attitude and is a better reason not to help her out.

It's only a dog eat dog world if you live by that code. By all means stand up for yourself if you think someone's not treating you right, but saying not to help someone out because it's doing exactly that and it puts them in a better position to you, is a stinky attitude Imo.

Not directed at OP btw, just the thread in general.

nkf Tue 29-Jan-13 21:09:55

Do your kids get to hang out with their cousins? I've done it for those reasons and in the interests of good family relationships. And to help out a friend in a crisis. But I don't think I would want to commit to it every Tuesday for an indefinite period of time. Then it would start to feel like a job and that's something different.

DontmindifIdo Tue 29-Jan-13 21:17:34

Look OP - you don't want to do this. So don't. You don't like her, so step away. If she doesn't think she's going to get favours from you, she'll stop contacting you.

How about "No, I don't want to pick your children up every Tuesday, you'll have to pay a childminder." OK, she'll get stroppy and call you names to all and sundry, but is sounds like she does that anyway, so why put yourself out if you don't want to do it and you are certain you won't want favours back from them?

Hissy Brazil Tue 29-Jan-13 21:18:11

Chica, I get waht you're saying, but wrt

"the world would be a nicer place if we helped family out"

You've not met my dsis... She didn't get that memo.

Not everyone helps/gives a shit about their family. Some of them actively go out of their way to harm us.

If op wants to help a relative of her H, then all good, if not, that's perfectly fine too.

chicaguapa Tue 29-Jan-13 21:20:07

It's just wishful thinking on my part anyway, as my family is shit like that too. grin

DontmindifIdo Tue 29-Jan-13 21:23:16

Chica - I agree that families should help each other out, but it has to go both ways. Pulling the "family" card in order to get help that only goes in one direction, whilst at the same time belittling the OP's cultural background with thinly vailed racist comments shouldn't be encouraged.

Hissy Brazil Tue 29-Jan-13 21:33:16

I do agree with your sentiment though chica, family should be held to a higher account, but so often it seems that familiarity breeds contempt.. And then some! smile

HomeTweetHome Wed 30-Jan-13 07:27:02

I have a friend/ acquaintance who has a good job and has 2 small boys. She has no hesitation to tell you how much money and how many houses she owns and that she doesn't want to be a SAHM, it's not her. She has a great job and travels a lot. A few of my friends, including myself have given up great jobs because we want to stay home for a few years. Nothing wrong with any of our choices. This working friend however, who can easily afford a nanny, gets everyone I know to do stuff for her e.g. take her kids to the doctors, take them shopping for shoes and one doormat friend in particular will cancel playdates as she is taking her kids to the doctor. She has asked me a few times and I did it once but I totally refuse to look after her kids. I didn't give up my job and luxuries to look after her children.

HecateWhoopass Wed 30-Jan-13 07:30:59

If you resent it - say no.

No. I am not picking your children up any more. Make other arrangements because I will NOT be fetching them.

And tell the school that you are not fetching them and have told their mum that.

She can't make you fetch them.

You choose to comply.

So choose not to, if you resent it.

Or tell her that you feel taken for granted and that you are actually helping her out, not doing something that you have to do.

It really is on you here. If someone isn't happy with something - it's down to them to change it.

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