To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

(520 Posts)
dollyindub Mon 28-Jan-13 13:58:52

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

Shelby2010 Mon 28-Jan-13 14:28:59

I don't think a baby that age would benefit from overnight stays, but you should allow ex to take him out or to his house for a few hours at a time.

YANBU to find it difficult tho.

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 14:29:31

I wouldn't want my partner's 4mo baby sleeping over if I was in the new partner's shoes. What does she say?

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Jan-13 14:30:00

How is he putting his relationship with her above the needs of his child if he wants access to his child?

I'm not sure I understand what you mean?

WhatsTheBuzz Mon 28-Jan-13 14:32:29

I suppose it depends on what he's like as a dad. I think contact during the day would be enough at that age.

Kendodd Mon 28-Jan-13 14:33:06

YABU (unless BFing)

It's his child as well, sorry.

Lovelygoldboots Mon 28-Jan-13 14:33:47

I think whatever age he goes for overnight stays with his father you are going to find it hard. But I think by allowing his dad that contact you are being the best parent you can be. It will give them a chance to bond, but your baby will always love you. Your exs girlfriend cannot replace you. But it will help you immensely if you do this especially when you start planning your future as they are not babies long.

myroomisatip Mon 28-Jan-13 14:34:30

I dont think YABU at all sad

He may have fathered your child but as for being a 'dad', he has hardly behaved like one.

IMO your baby is far too young to spend more than a couple of hours away from you. My child, if I were in your circumstances, would not be spending the night away from me until it was at least five years old. I dont care who thinks that is U!

Mosman Mon 28-Jan-13 14:34:35

Is his name on the birth certificate ?
Because if it is you would be able to do nothing at all if the ex decided not to bring the baby back after the over night visit, you'd have to go to court to regain residency.
On that basis alone I'd be saying no until you've built up an understanding with the ex about how this will work and have a court order around access.

Mosman Mon 28-Jan-13 14:35:48

Oh and is he paying maintenance ?

Would you allow him overnight contact if he was living alone?

I think if you start basing his access soley on his relationships then he will have every right down the line to start dictating who you can introduce your ds to and when and how.

In your shoes I would be very wary about 'putting my foot down' over access, its so much better if you arrange it between yourselves and not have a judge come up with an arrangement for you.

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 14:36:50

And how old is her child? Does he/she live with her? Seems ridiculously swift of her to start setting up home with a new man. Most people would still be at the "meeting mummy's friend" stage by now, wouldn't they?

Silly woman.

And your ex sounds like a dick.

dollyindub Mon 28-Jan-13 14:39:52

Worra, it's complicated. He treated me like shit throughout my pregnancy, made no effort to help me look for a new place to live (I moved house when I was 8 months pregnant) and lied to me for a long time. I didn't do anything wrong and really tried to make it work. So yes, I do harbour resentment and I do consider that if they'd lived apart for a while as would be healthy given her history and him being a new father it would have been better. He could have seen his son on his own patch.
I'll await a flaming.
To the poster who asked about us not using contraception: I'm 44. I never thought I'd get pregnant, but we'd discussed that if I did we'd keep the baby.

Chumpster Mon 28-Jan-13 14:40:12

I'd feel the same way as you, but you're right, you will have to allow overnight stays at some point (through gritted teeth) for the benefit of their relationship. But four months seems a bit young for baby to be away from main caregiver. During the day for time being.

Sallyingforth Mon 28-Jan-13 14:42:03

It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.
If you were having sex without contraception then you were both planning to have a child. That's how it happens.

and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.
He is legally required to support his child. If he is on 'easy street' then he can afford to do so. Have you come to a financial arrangement with him?

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 14:43:15

I restrained myself from having a go about the contraception thing, but see that you're 44 so I'll let you off grin

Now, for my questions upthread... how old is her child? Does she want your baby overnight already? Does her child live with them?

KellyElly Mon 28-Jan-13 14:46:31

Your baby is very tiny and I think it's completely reasonable to not want him to do overnights with his dad at this age. I think you need to let go of the bitterness (even though you are fully entitled to feel it) for your own sanity so when he is a bit bigger and has over night visits with his dad you will be in a better place about it.

HopAndSkip Mon 28-Jan-13 14:47:28

YANBU at all. You know what your baby is like, and if you don't think he'd be happy staying overnight or alone yet, then he doesn't do it, simple as that.

My DD is 6 months, and no way would she go alone overnight, with anyone yet. She is very clingy, but we have tried "giving it time" to let her calm down, and it doesn't work yet, she just screams and screams-the longest time we tried was 40 minutes without a break, she was shaking by the time I took her back and took a good 10 minutes to stop wimpering, but she instantly stopped crying so there was nothing wrong other than her being scared about being away for too long.

IMO this was entirely for her fathers benefit of "playing daddy" for an hour or 2 when he feels like it, and not at all in her best interest.
Obviously you know what your son is like, and it's possible that he is ok with his dad, and ok being left, but you have to make that decision. Also, at this early stage, you need to feel ok with arrangements to an reasonable extent too. Obviously he needs a relationship with his dad, and he needs to see him regularly, but it's not going to do your son any good to have a mum who is feeling depressed/anxious by going over the top to achieve this too soon.

Also, no court would order overnights under 1 year, the longest you would have to leave him is 2-3 hours, gradually building up to this so your son is happy about it.

The recommended visits under 1 is 1-2 hours 2-3 times a week. And if you are breastfeeding this needs to be within a few minutes of you so you are available to feed on demand.

You are not going to destroy his father son relationship by waiting until he is happy to be away from you, if anything you will be strengthening it as long as he is allowed regular contact at yours or at a neutral place eg. soft play or a cafe. I can't imagine much worse than taking a baby away from its primary career before it's ready, and having it scream for hours at me being clearly unhappy. All that will do is build anxiety about the person taking the baby away, in this case the dad. I don't see why any dad would want to do this if they care about the baby.

aderynlas Mon 28-Jan-13 14:48:28

I think your son is alittle young for overnight stays op, could you compromise and let him go to his dads for a visit in the day. Sorry for the way this has turned out but congratulations and enjoy your new baby.

MoominmammasHandbag Mon 28-Jan-13 14:48:38

Apologies Dolly for the dig about contraception, at 44 I probably wouldn't have used contraception either.
Stick to your guns though and make sure he contributes financially.

BonaDea Mon 28-Jan-13 14:51:00

OP- what a horrible situation, I really feel for you. I hope he is doing the decent thing and helping properly financially.

I think for the time being YANBU. 4 months is far too young. You are doing the right thing by allowing contact, but overnight seems OTT.

However, the problem is that 'excuse' will only last so long. So, eventually you will have to let your son stay over with ex and the demon bitch from hell. Maybe you need to start mentally preparing yourself.

KellyElly Mon 28-Jan-13 14:51:26

Also what's with the judgy contraception (or lack of) comments. The child is here in the world so rehashing that is pretty irrelevant to over night visits. The only reasons I can think of that you would want to berate the OP for the lack of contraception is that you are a) a judgemental arsehole or b) Jeremy Kyle.

Wowee - Lucky him that you are even considering it.
I've been with other half for a few years now and his DexW won't let the kids stay at ours even now.
I've never met them!!
I do think as well that 4 months is too young to stay away from prime carer.
As others have asked, is he paying maintenance?
I think you need to make sure that his new relationship is going to stand the test of time before your new son is introduced to someone new who may just leave and cause more heartbreak. Good luck and congrats on your new baby!

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 14:55:59

4 months is too young for overnight visits IMO.

You can't explain to a child that young when they're going to see their mum againm it could be very distressing for the child. It's something you would need ot build up to over time IMO.

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Jan-13 14:56:03

So yes, I do harbour resentment and I do consider that if they'd lived apart for a while as would be healthy given her history and him being a new father it would have been better. He could have seen his son on his own patch

I understand what you're saying (truly I do) but none of that has anything to do with this 'good Dad' (your words) taking care of his son overnight.

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 14:57:51

"But equally I think it's nonsense to suggest the baby will suffer as a result of staying with his Dad."

I think a child that young could well suffer by being away from its mum for long periods of time before s/he is ready.

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