To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

(520 Posts)
dollyindub Mon 28-Jan-13 13:58:52

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

rubyslippers Mon 28-Jan-13 14:00:38

YANBU

absolutely not a chance it should happen right now

a 4 month old needs to be with his mum

he can see him in the daytime - no need for an overnighter

YABU. Sorry. I do mean that kindly.

He is a fuckwit. But he is as entitled to move on as you are and see his son aswell.

I say that as the mother of a child who spends two nights a week with her dad and his partner. Its really hard. But still.

frantic53 Mon 28-Jan-13 14:04:14

I wouldn't have done at that age simply because I was still breastfeeding so it would have been impossible. I do think it's a bit young. I thought contact was supposed to be for the child's benefit, not the parents. Can't think what benefit it would be to a 4 month old tbh. Sorry you're having such a tough time. I don't think you're BU.

dollyindub Mon 28-Jan-13 14:07:20

Thanks for your prompt replies!
Ruby, do you think I should let him take him there during the day? He's a good dad but I don't know this woman from Adam, and what I do know I don't like.
And wannabe, can I ask how old your child is and if it gets easier?

WhateverTrevor Mon 28-Jan-13 14:10:05

You are understandably angry and bitter but it is unfair to make your child suffer because of this.
I think at 4 months an overnight stay with his parent is fine (unless your breastfeeding )
He needs to see his father regularly so they have a relationship.
When your son is older and he asks why he never sees his father and its because you wouldn't let him then he'll have every right to be angry.

SamSmalaidh Mon 28-Jan-13 14:11:24

I'd say a 4 month old is too young - no judge would order overnight contact at that age. Little and often is better for contact at that age - so maybe 1-2 hours at a time, 3 times a week? Offer to build the time up slowly, so maybe whole days by 12 months, overnights by 2 years etc.

greenfolder Mon 28-Jan-13 14:11:54

Massive disclaimer:not been in your situation

but- surely if he is his dad, he is entitled to take him where he likes when he has him-to his home would seem preferable to wandering the streets? Re overnights, it does seem young but part of me thinks that if he gets used to it now, it will be less difficult for your ds in the long term?

Trills Mon 28-Jan-13 14:13:14

YABU to use the word lovenest.

DD1 is 4 now but it has been this way since she was 6 months. It gets easier in the sense that I just had to get on with it.

dollyindub Mon 28-Jan-13 14:14:55

WhateverTrevor: I am not denying my ex access to his son at all. He can see him whenever he likes. Please re-read my post.
And I really think that his father will be the one explaining how he moved in with his OW and her child when he was only 16 weeks old!

Over nights by two years?

Instead of making it a part of normal life and ultimately easier on the child? Really?

Tryharder Mon 28-Jan-13 14:16:46

YANBU. We are talking about a 4 month old baby not a 14 year old. There is no court in the world who would insist that a 4 month old baby should spend nights away from its mum or prime carer. The thought of my DCs at this age spending the night away from me makes my blood run cold.

Your XP can see his child for short periods of time which in the future can build upto overnight stays and weekends/holidays as appropriate.

scoobydooagain Mon 28-Jan-13 14:17:04

He is young for overnights but it will benefit you and your son in the future for him to have a close relationship with his father. I would reconsider his dad only having contact at yours, that won't allow you to "get over" your ex and also will not give you a break which as a single parent you will need.

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Jan-13 14:17:09

YABU

If you're not breastfeeding, he should be allowed access to his child overnight especially as you say he's a good Dad.

Mumsyblouse Mon 28-Jan-13 14:18:08

During his dad's contact, you can't say who will be there unless you think they are a risk in some way, if you went to court then contact would be contact and you couldn't limit it just at your house/contact centre without justification.

I also think, if you can get past the annoyance, that in the long run, it could be a massive advantage for you if his dad is interested, proactive and takes him for a day or so at a time. You might be able to work, certainly able to rest, if you can set up a stable pattern it would be great all round, not just for his dad.

The overnight thing is a bit different as your baby is so young, but again, in the longer term, is there really any reason why this shouldn't happen? What if you get a new boyfriend, the dad won't be able to veto it or control who comes into your house.

MariusEarlobe Mon 28-Jan-13 14:19:02

I don't think courts advice overnight for children under one do they?

Having a baby with someone does not mean you have to stay with that person. So your son will be entitled to be angry at you if you prevent their relationship developing. Regardless of what his father has done.

Your son will measure his fathers worth on how he treats HIM over years. Not just how he treated you at the start.

WhatsTheBuzz Mon 28-Jan-13 14:21:46

I think it's nonsense to suggest that, at 4mo, the baby will suffer as a result of not staying with his dad (who split up with his mother because she was pregnant? Or was that just coincidence?)overnight, assuming you, OP, have been main caregiver so far... what's wrong with contact during the day? yanbu

deleted203 Mon 28-Jan-13 14:22:58

A difficult one. I think you have to allow your ex to take DS out in the daytime (and presumably to his place if he wishes) but I think he is too young for overnight stays. Is he even sleeping through the night yet?

shesariver Mon 28-Jan-13 14:26:47

frantic Can't think what benefit it would be to a 4 month old tbh

What about the benefit of having a relationship with his Dad - isnt that a benefit?!

dollyindub Mon 28-Jan-13 14:27:11

Thanks again for all your replies. The differing opinions are interesting and thought provoking. I do realise that I am going to have to suck this up at some point, but even his family agree that he has acted in haste with regard to putting himself and his relationship with her above the needs of his child.
Our baby is just so young, I care for him all of the time bar the few hours his dad comes round to see him.
It just seems too much too soon that's all

MustafaCake Mon 28-Jan-13 14:27:17

I would not allow such a young baby to stay overnight. It is too long away from the primary carer (mother). There is no reason why Dad can't take baby out for a few hours, to the park or something like that.

And in the long term, baby should stay overnight, once time spent with his Dad has been built up.

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Jan-13 14:27:28

I think it's nonsense to suggest that, at 4mo, the baby will suffer as a result of not staying with his dad

I agree

But equally I think it's nonsense to suggest the baby will suffer as a result of staying with his Dad.

MoominmammasHandbag Mon 28-Jan-13 14:27:37

He is tiny, he should be with you, his mother.

But how can your baby be unplanned if you weren't using contraception? What did you think would happed?

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