To not let my DS learn to dive.

(303 Posts)
Sandy11 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:06:35

My DS is 16 and wants to lean to dive. He says he has found a club for beginners of his age and really wants to learn. He is quite shy and has not had many hobbies. The only problem is that the lessons would last from 4 - 6 pm on a Sunday. The centre is miles away in the city and I am not prepared to drive so he would have to go on the train. I am worried that something bad would happen to him he is 16 but I don't think as a parent I should let him travel far about an hours journey on the train at them times. It would not affect his school work but you don't know who lurks about today. He is really shy and feel guilty for not letting him do this and it is not expensive either. Am I being unreasonable stopping him?

mrsjay Wed 30-Jan-13 09:22:54

I agree with you juggiling It is her own feelings she needs to deal with we can't keep them at our side forever, I have never been anxious about independence and I did it with my teens at age appropriate times IYSWIM I just think at 16 he is to old to be told no to go on the train,

Just thinking though that this is surely something we all have to deal with as our children become teenagers and increasingly independent. It is a challenge to know when and what to say "yes" to, and to cope with our own feelings as well as theirs on each step of that journey.

Sandy is maybe just showing that she's more anxious than most, but I agree she needs to challenge that in herself, and/or get some support for how she's feeling and acting, for her son's benefit as well as her own.

mrsjay Wed 30-Jan-13 09:17:26

sorry I know the thread has probbaly moved on he is 16 and you dont want him going on the train he needs some independance when do you think it will be ok for him to be out and about on his own. let him try it out least he doesn't want to be sitting in his room playing xbox all day and night like some kids his age he wants to do something. I was working at 16 I left school

socharlotte Wed 30-Jan-13 09:13:12

You will have to go with him the first time anyway I would have thought to sign consent forms rtc.Why don't you go by train to weigh up what the risks are?

exoticfruits Wed 30-Jan-13 08:35:51

Many mothers are waving off their teenagers as they go to Afganistan- I bet they would swap it for the terror of 'strange people' that might be encountered at a Sunday tea time between the railway station and home!

You can get married in England under 17 with parental permission, so in this case in England, I believe he would still fall under the jurisdiction of the SS

deste Tue 29-Jan-13 21:10:25

The legal for getting married in Scotland is 16.

Kenndodd I would believe social services could/may be able to help as it is a form of abuse, because she's deliberately setting herself in the way of her son having any kind of life.

jammic Tue 29-Jan-13 20:22:04

Deluded as I probably am, I've been scanning through looking for a happy ending. Go on OP, let him go.

magimedi Tue 29-Jan-13 19:35:24

I read something today that resonates with this thread:

You give your children both roots & wings.

So you won't drive him and don't want him catching a train, sounds to me like your real issue is you don't want him to have a life that doesn't include you.

Don't be surprised if he runs for the hills as soon as he is old enough and doesn't bother to visit more than once a year

Kendodd Tue 29-Jan-13 16:50:32

If this is a reverse AIBU please show your mum this thread.

Genuine question if anyone knows the answer to this. If things are as the OP describes imo this is very damaging for the OP's son, is there anywhere he can get any help?

Disclaimer- my mum was like this, I suffered terrible mental health problems while living at home as a result, I ran away at 15 (best thing I have ever done) and never went back. I resent my mum to this day and have a very poor relationship with her even now, I'm 43.

Also it's about risk isn't it ?

The chances are that he can go across town or whatever on a Sunday afternoon and evening and be OK, meet other people, and take part in an activity and exercise he enjoys which will add to his quality of life hugely, both now and in the future.

Sure there may be some increased risks from doing this, but as others have pointed out there are also some risks from not doing it.

He will probably be fine - life is for living OP !

Astelia Tue 29-Jan-13 12:19:23

I feel sorry for your son OP. I wouldn't blame him from wanting to get away from your stifling care and lack of help as soon as he can.

Drive him to the class or let him take the train, don't be such a controlling nightmare. Poor child.

bruffin Tue 29-Jan-13 11:31:21

Yellowdinosaur is so right.
Ops worst fear is her son will be attacked/ mugged. But the damage in being over protective could easily be far worse. You can often get over a one off scary incident quite quickly but it much harder to get overvalued lifetime of conditioning that the world is a scary place.

bruffin Tue 29-Jan-13 11:26:05

Yellowdinosaur is so right.
Ops worst fear is her son will be attacked/ mugged. But the damage in being over protective could easily be far worse. You can often get over a one off scary incident quite quickly but it much harder to get overvalued lifetime of conditioning that the world is a scary place.

Sandy11 if you read just one post please let that be unhappydaughter's who has bravely shared details of her terrible time as a result of an overprotective parent to show you that trying to protect your son basically from living may well do him more harm in the long run than what you are afraid of.

Socharlotte I presume you have personal experience of rape or assault which has led you to totally miss the point unhappydaughter is trying to make, that her traumatic childhood has had just as profound an effect on her life as violent assault may have. She is not minimising the effects such an assault can have, merely using that as an example to show just what a terrible effect over protectiveness can also have.

Please let him go. So, it's a fad. So what? He'll probably have fun. And it's not even your money or time he'll not be wasting.

UnhappyDaughter Tue 29-Jan-13 10:46:04

Thanks! smile

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 10:43:01

Wow! Good for you smile

UnhappyDaughter Tue 29-Jan-13 10:32:28

Social science with Sociology, ironically enough grin

I wasn't interested in the subject when my mum tried to put me off it, but there were a few interesting sociology modules I wanted to take at uni & I ended up graduating with joint honours smile

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 10:26:16

What was your degree in unhappydaughter?

UnhappyDaughter Tue 29-Jan-13 10:24:03

Sorry for opening up a sensitive subject for you Charlotte. I've said they're not the same thing, it's like comparing tables and hats or whatever. However, people suffer traumas in different ways, and one kind of trauma doesn't negate another kind of trauma. Both lead to different outcomes and life circumstances and can affect people in unpredictable ways.

helpyourself Tue 29-Jan-13 10:12:36

I don't know what you read socharlotte!

cory Tue 29-Jan-13 10:12:20

socharlotte Tue 29-Jan-13 10:06:43
"Ok -being raped on your way home fom school is no biggie than is it? "

That is not what UnhappyDaughter is saying! She chose that example precisely because we all know that being raped is a horrendous thing that can leave you damaged for life. So she is using it to tell us that what happened to her has also left her damaged for life. Seems reasonable to me.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 10:11:54

No one said that charlotte hmm

Just that both have a huge effect on a person. For me, i was sexually abused and also grew up in a anxious household where i had very low self esteem and was isolated. Both have affected me in different ways but the anxiety i experienced everyday is the one which affects me on a daily basis because it trickled through into everything. Every decision i make, every relationship i started is different because of that. The sexual abuse only affects me in certain situations. Anyway its not a competition which you seem to think it is!

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