To be upset that DH has quit his job and is still spending?

(64 Posts)
lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 17:52:29

My DH has been unhappy in his work for a while and made the decision to leave his job just before Christmas with nothing else to go to. We have two DC aged 5 and 2, I stay at home with the children at the moment although have been applying for jobs since the New Year. I have been supportive of his decision as I know how unhappy he was, and I don't want to see him depressed, he is a good man and father, he just seems lost as to his purpose in life. Anyway, this has all come about as even though he has taken the odd temp work since Xmas our income is significantly less obviously and we will struggle to meet our mortgage and bills tomorrow, we are aware of this and he has work for this week through an agency. We will have to go massively overdrawn to cover payments and I am worried, I am just do upset as this afternoon he announced he needed break down cover ASAP for his car and that would be 24 pound. I explained we were already going to go overdrawn tomorrow and couldn't he wait until he had a stable job before taking it out? He has never had it before, his work this week is 10 miles away and I do understand if he breaks down he needs it but just doesn't seem essential at this moment considering we are going to struggle to find food money. He says I'm unreasonable and don't care about him or his safety, which is untrue. I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. I don't think I am though. I am feeling quote depressed recently and am unsure if this is clouding my perception of things? Please be kind, I am feeling vulnerable, we are not lazy nor have we ever relied on benefits, he has always supported us and I worked part time inbetween my first and second child, my partner worked 60 hour weeks away from home a lot so it made sense for me to SAH. Would appreciate any advice , thanks

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 19:12:59

No, but income based which means they can still claim tax credits and FSM's

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:13:10

you are taking care of the little ones singlehandedly ?

it won't help your little family if you get burned out

if he isn't working (or just doing some agency work) make him do his share of the parenting

you are pussyfooting around him love, and it isn't helping

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:14:21

I feel really worried for you, OP x

NatashaBee Sun 27-Jan-13 19:18:44

Not very helpful to the OP, but if my husband quit his job like this, I'd leave. I feel for you OP, he has been very selfish to risk the roof over your heads. Your mortgage and council tax are priority debts, along with food and heating. Do you have any credit cards that you could negotiate a lower payment on, to free up some cash?

SirBoobAlot Sun 27-Jan-13 19:21:07

I can't believe he's done this to you, frankly. What a selfish arse.

He needs to stop looking for something that he thinks will fulfill him, and settle for something that will mean his family can continue to eat.

Whether or not he gets breakdown cover is not the biggest concern right now.

Really hope things get back on track soon.

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 19:21:59

He had been out at low paid temp jobs most days but when at home he hasn't really helped much at all, like I say he isn't himself, he is usually a hands on dad. I just hope we find something soon.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 19:25:03

Ok but what if you find something and he doesnt? Would you be happy with him at home, not doind adequate childcare or doing any housework?

There is more to this than jobs and money.

On a completely practical level, is the £24 a one-off payment or monthly? I only pay £4 a month for my Greenflag cover.

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 19:28:14

Thanks for all your advice and honesty, it has helped confirm that I'm not being unreasonable and I have a lot to think on tonight. I am going to have to toughen up on him, just don't want to send him into a deeper depression, I think I may call on some family support, I just can't do it on my own.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:30:08

No, love, you can't do it on your own

Which is the position your husband has forced you into

Speak to your family, get some support with this. That is a really good idea.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:30:35

You sound lovely btw

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 19:39:06

I agree bogeyface, I am worried if I find work how he will be at home in his current mindset. I am so angry with him right now, all he says is he isn't happy at work and couldn't do another day being spoken to like rubbish and that he's fed up of being the one who's responsibility it is to pay the bills, even though we agreed pre children I would SAH as he earned twice what I did at the time. And he's gone ahead and purchased the breakdown cover anyway, 24 pound for the year in a one off payment. Guess he's just going to do what he wants without taking my feelings into consideration.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 19:42:18

Like I said, there is more to this than jobs and money.

When money wasnt so much of an issue, was he a selfish man then? Be honest and think about it, how much time did he spend with the children? How much time did he get to himself compared to how much time you got/get?

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 20:01:42

He has always had more time to do things he wants, which has been an issue before between us since having children. He's not a selfish person usually, he is generous and when he does spend time with the children on his own he's brilliant with them, he just needs to do it more often.

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 20:06:03

He has always had more time to do things he wants, which has been an issue before between us since having children.

he is generous and when he does spend time with the children on his own he's brilliant with them, he just needs to do it more often.

Do you not see that those to sentences are at odd with each other? He spends time with the kids when it suits him, he gets more time to himself and that has been pissing you off for a while.

He is not selfish usually

Yes he is. And that is issue here. A man who is unselfish, caring and generous would not plunge his family into debt and poverty without a thought. He would listen to you, talk to you, compromise with you.

But he doesnt, does he?

Tell him to move out, he can go back to his mother's or find a bedsit or something. Then you will benefits for you and the children and WHEN he gets a job, he can come home. (if you still want him to - let his precious principles keep him warm at night)
Your children need to eat and be clothed and be warm more than he needs to be a bloody soft jessy who "doesn't want to be spoken to meanly at work" well wah wah fucking wah. Tell him to bloody grow up, this is real life and HIS children need llife's little luxuries like food. Since he's now deprived them of three days worth just in case he has to walk home or get on a bus one hypothetical day confused
Has he no sense at all?

Unfortunatlyanxious Sun 27-Jan-13 20:59:09

I am suffering with severe anxiety and depression and have been signed off work.

Is he actually ill or just selfish because there is a world of difference. If he is suffering with depression he needs to go to his GP. I am afraid he does sound selfish to me. I am very ill but would still never do anything to hurt my family.

lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 21:35:21

I guess he is both, I too have suffered with depression, post natal and major and I know how debilitating it can be but would never intentionally jeopardise my children. After speaking with him tonight he says he doesn't think he is risking our children as our mortgage payments are low at the moment and minimal outgoings we should be ok if he does temp work till he finds a job really likes. I have pointed out that obviously as we are having to go overdrawn that this is not the case at all. He then said, well it's your turn to get a job then and I'll stay at home. Just can't believe he is being so selfish : (

NatashaBee Sun 27-Jan-13 23:10:57

Nothing wrong with you going back to work and him being SAHD, if a) you'd both discussed and agreed to it and b) he's willing to take over all the tasks you've been doing, including looking after the kids while you job hunt. Why don't you draw up a list of tasks the stay at home parent will take responsibility for while the other one goes out to work?

NatashaBee Sun 27-Jan-13 23:12:22

And while you're at it, draw up a budget to show him what all your essential outgoings are - even if your mortgage is small, you still have other costs. There's a good planner on the moneysavingexpert site.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 00:14:55

This man is a complete dick

ENormaSnob Mon 28-Jan-13 07:35:46

If my dh just quit his job with no regards to me or our dc he would be out of here so fast his feet wouldn't touch the floor.

StewieGriffinsMom Mon 28-Jan-13 07:45:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I don't like my job tbh. It's ok, I can live with doing it, but no, it's not especially fulfilling.
But there is no way on earth, when there people being made redundant all over the place, major competition to get an interview let alone a job offer, that I would leave without another job to go back to even though we are a 2 income family. Because we wouldn't be able to pay the bills

But you know all that anyway. You know it was an idiotic thing fur your DH to do.
Reading your posts it sounds as though this is about more than that. It sounds as if you have no say in what happens.
You told him you were unhappy about him leaving his job. He did it anyway.
You told him you couldn't afford breakdown cover. He did it anyway.

It sounds like a massively unequal relationship IMHO.

So regardless if he walks into a new job tomorrow, you will still have the inequality in your marriage.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 28-Jan-13 07:53:01

YANBU, and shoulda been harder on him.

He cant even claim JSA since he quit, unless he can prove without question he didnt have a choice, and that can take ages.

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