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AIBU?

To be upset that DH has quit his job and is still spending?

63 replies

lilyandoscarsmummy · 27/01/2013 17:52

My DH has been unhappy in his work for a while and made the decision to leave his job just before Christmas with nothing else to go to. We have two DC aged 5 and 2, I stay at home with the children at the moment although have been applying for jobs since the New Year. I have been supportive of his decision as I know how unhappy he was, and I don't want to see him depressed, he is a good man and father, he just seems lost as to his purpose in life. Anyway, this has all come about as even though he has taken the odd temp work since Xmas our income is significantly less obviously and we will struggle to meet our mortgage and bills tomorrow, we are aware of this and he has work for this week through an agency. We will have to go massively overdrawn to cover payments and I am worried, I am just do upset as this afternoon he announced he needed break down cover ASAP for his car and that would be 24 pound. I explained we were already going to go overdrawn tomorrow and couldn't he wait until he had a stable job before taking it out? He has never had it before, his work this week is 10 miles away and I do understand if he breaks down he needs it but just doesn't seem essential at this moment considering we are going to struggle to find food money. He says I'm unreasonable and don't care about him or his safety, which is untrue. I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. I don't think I am though. I am feeling quote depressed recently and am unsure if this is clouding my perception of things? Please be kind, I am feeling vulnerable, we are not lazy nor have we ever relied on benefits, he has always supported us and I worked part time inbetween my first and second child, my partner worked 60 hour weeks away from home a lot so it made sense for me to SAH. Would appreciate any advice , thanks

OP posts:

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Gigondas · 27/01/2013 17:55

Yanbu to be concerned - have you sat down and discussed in detail finances, how it will work with childcare if you work, what you will do to meet shortfall , what benefits if any you are eligible to work for.

I can see both sides about breakdown cover but can see if you are overdrawn it is too much now.

mellowcat · 27/01/2013 17:58

YANBU. It sounds as though everything is tough at the moment. Maybe your husband feels like everything is spiralling out of control and wants to put safety nets around himself and your family (like the breakdown cover) as a way of feeling safe and in control over something.

I really hope things start looking up for you all soon.

newNN · 27/01/2013 18:02

Wrt the breakdown cover, I would say that its necessity depends upon how likely your car is to break down. if it is a new car, no problems etc then it is not a priority, but if it is prone to breaking down then the cover will be much cheaper than the bill if you were to break down without it!

As for the rest, I think it is really irresponsible to quit a job without having a new one to go to, especially when you have dc and a mortgage and a partner who is also not in paid employment. I think he was selfish to do this and you may struggle to get benefits if he has made himself unemployed.

Agree that you need to go through all income and outgoings - cancel anything non essential and make an appt at citizens advice/call the benefits people and see if you can get some help.

Talk to your mortgage company - they may give you a couple of months payment break from the mortgage, which would take the pressure off a bit. Do you have mortgage insurance to cover periods of unemployment?

TheProvincialLady · 27/01/2013 18:04

Your husband was very irresponsible to leave his job without another to go to especially at the moment. He was unhappy in his job but he's going to be an awful lot more unhappy if he loses his home and his credit status. If you don;t have £24 to spend on breakdown cover, you don't have it and can't spend it. If I was you I would take 100% control of the finances at the moment. How much effort is he making to find a proper job? I hope that one of you is able to find stable work soon. Good luck.

PootlePosyPerkin · 27/01/2013 18:04

To address the breakdown cover issue, sign yourself up online with Green Flag. Your cover will commence immediately & there is no down payment. You will need to sign up to monthly DD payments which are about £9.50 per month for a high level of cover. Costs you nothing today & he can drive about worry free.

With regard to the spending issue, then no YANBU. Essential bills & food must come first.

thebody · 27/01/2013 18:04

Agree above posters. Unemployment and struggling with lack of money are incredibly stressful.

The only way to keep your head above the water is to talk honestly about money, know how much you can spend each week, have a plan and understand what benefits if any you can claim.

I don't think it's wise to argue about why he gave up his job as its done now. Would he like to be a SAHD while you work?

TheProvincialLady · 27/01/2013 18:06

No mortgage protection will cover someone leaving their job without another to go to I'm afraid. But newNN's advice is good. You need to treat this very seriously.

lilyandoscarsmummy · 27/01/2013 18:06

Thankyou, yes we have discussed our finances together, and we walkways planned onto returning to work this sept when DS starts pre-school, as up to now the childcare costs have outweighed the benefits of us both working. I don't have a job to return to as my last position was a temporary contract with a council, I have a degree and was thinking of doing a PGCE next year but unsure we can afford it now. He needs to find something he enjoys and feels valued in and I have tried to help him with his cv, searching for jobs, covering letters etc. I don't think he wants to put up a safety net, he just see's it as something he needs and should have. It is difficult and I wouldn't question him needing cover normally.

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Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 18:07

Wow!

My husband lost his job through redundancy before Xmas and hasnt found anything else yet, neither have I as I was SAHM before that. The thought of someone giving up their job voluntarily in this climate has left me gobsmacked!

Was he perhaps under the impression that he would walk into something else straight away? Is that why he is being a bit of an arse at the moment, because he is angry that his gamble didnt work out the way he thought it would?

I agree re the breakdown cover that if your car is not very reliable then yes, you do need it. But I would not be at all happy about it. Did he not have a plan about how you would pay the bills and mortgage? You say you supported him, did you not sit down and work out a plan of action?

I think that you need to sit down now, tonight, and work out your outgoings, your income and see what can be pared back. I agree with talking to your mortgage company, and make sure you are claming everything you can such as free school meals (they have made a massive difference to our food bills). What do you spend on food shopping? With 4 of you you could easily feed you all for £30 a week. OK so it wont be haute cuisine but it will be healthy and filling.

Gigondas · 27/01/2013 18:10

Agree with nn and others about naïveté of quitting without a job to go to but am about wanting something that is going to make him happy and fulfilled. Sure that is nice but if money is right , he should take what he can with a family to support.

specialsubject · 27/01/2013 18:10

I thought you would say he was out boozing or gaming. Breakdown cover is not a luxury. A tow will cost a LOT more than that.

it must have been real hell at work, given that you are so skint you have to worry about £24, when the income stopped a month ago. Wishing you better times and please get help to look at your expenses.

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 27/01/2013 18:20

How long was he in employment for before? might be worth checking out contribution-based JSA as it's up to £71pw and not means tested but based on National Insurance contributions over last 2 years, payable for up to 6 months

HollyBerryBush · 27/01/2013 18:22

I'm shocked TBH that you DH, no matter how he dislikes his job, would put the family home in jeopardy.

I doubt many of us like our jobs that much, they are a means to an end. Ie putting food on the table and a roof over heads.

lilyandoscarsmummy · 27/01/2013 18:23

I agree he shouldn't have left before finding something else, and I did say to him at the time I would be unhappy if he did, but ultimately he was desperately unhappy and as his wife I had to support his decision despite my concerns. He is actively seeking work and has interviews lined up and I am confident he will get something soon. We live frugally anyway and have pared down our lifestyle to as far as we can, one of the decisions we made when we decided I would stay at home with our children. I have said to him how irresponsible he is especially when many others are being made redundant. I know breakdown isn't a luxury but I honestly thought we could wait a while as his car hasn't broken down in the last year.

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Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 18:36

as his wife I had to support his decision despite my concerns

Errr... no you dont!

There are times when you have to say "Look, dont be a dick. We have bills and a mortgage to pay! I will look for a job, you look for another job and the second that one of us gets something, hand in your notice".

Or as my H just said "Unless they were sticking knives up his arse, he should put up with it until he gets something else. No job is as bad as being homeless"

lilyandoscarsmummy · 27/01/2013 18:52

I agree with you completely, he should have stuck it out and I was firm on him, the reason I said I had to support him is I suspect he is suffering from depression and am concerned about his welfare, I don't agree with what he did and voiced it profusely.

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Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 19:00

Ok. Sorry, that was a pointless post, whats done is done! If you think that he is depressed then that will be affecting how he sees things, he may be brushing it under his mental carpet and acting like nothing is wrong. Will he go to the GP?

AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 19:04

It doesn't matter how "profusely" you voiced your opinion, he went ahead and jacked his job in anyway

with 2 young kids and you not working that is a spectacularly stupid thing to do

It is always easier to find another job whilst you are still in employment

has he been diagnosed with depression, seeing a doctor, getting medical help with it ?

I am really sorry love, but your husband has put your little family at risk and I think your "support" is misplaced

when you can't pay the mortgage/bills, what will he say then ? Will you give him unconditional support then ?

AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 19:07

oh, and fuck the "breakdown cover" your children need to eat and you need to keep a roof over your head

have you contacted the mortgage co. and asked for a payment freeze ?

RedHelenB · 27/01/2013 19:08

You can't claim any jobseekers if you voluntarily give your job up.

lilyandoscarsmummy · 27/01/2013 19:10

I know, he has a gp appointment booked.i just do t know what to do at all, I'm trying to be positive, help him get a job as soon as possible, applying for work myself aswell as taking care of our little ones singlehandedly. Yes he has been stupid but what am I supposed to do?

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Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 19:11

You do get income support red, if you have a family etc.

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Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 19:12

aswell as taking care of our little ones singlehandedly

Why? If he isnt working out of the house then he should be working in it. Does he do housework, laundry etc? How does he fill the time when he used to be at work?

RedHelenB · 27/01/2013 19:12

But he wouldn't get contributions based jobseekers.

Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 19:12

No, but income based which means they can still claim tax credits and FSM's

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