to think we should encourage our daughters to marry men who earn AT LEAST as much as them?

(348 Posts)
StripeyBear Sun 27-Jan-13 12:35:33

Quarter of a century ago, starting university, I would have furiously disagreed with this. Women should make their own money, and marry who they like!

Now, looking back, I'm not so sure. Nearly all my female friends, however successful in their careers prior to children, have compromised work success to raise their children. (I do have one friend who has a house husband, but that is the exception rather than the rule). Consequently, the lifestyle of my friends has been largely dictated by how much their husbands earn. So the nurse who married the mechanic is run ragged with extra shifts, juggling small kids in a tiny house with a large mortgage, indifferent schools and holidays in Haven or not at all - whilst my midwife girlfriend who married a consultant, is living in a huge detached house, with kids at private schools and just does a few shifts to keep her registration and to keep out of the way of her cleaner.

So AIBU, should we tell our daughters to marry someone who can provide the material stuff, or in another quarter of a century, will the world have moved on again, and fathers will be equal parents, and none of this will matter a stuff?

CaseyShraeger Sun 27-Jan-13 13:09:35

Tondelayo - but not because there aren't enough qualified midwives, rather because there aren't enough midwife posts.

eggsy11 Sun 27-Jan-13 13:11:54

fakebook I have a decentish office job, i'm also doing a masters part time and finish this year so hopefully will get decent graduate type placement.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sun 27-Jan-13 13:12:16

amillionyears - I tried, for years; pleading (yes, pleading) with them to get back in contact when my first son was born after they had ignored me for several years, then taking my sons to visit them on my own (dh wasn't allowed to come with us), living with their controlling ways and refusal to acknowledge dh's part in our lives in any way. Dh was fully behind this. Then I couldn't do it any more and the few very conditional overtures they have made are too little, too late. Dh is fully behind this too.

CotherMuckingFunt Sun 27-Jan-13 13:12:22

I married a man who had a great income but then the company he worked for folded and we're skint. Should I divorce him or concentrate on the fact that I married him for his absolute amazingness that hasn't been changed by our lack of money?

What a fucked up attitude to teach a child.

Mrsrobertduvall Sun 27-Jan-13 13:13:00

Well as my dd doesn't seem to have great earning potential, I am encouraging her to mingle with the boys from the superselective grammar grin

meadow2 Sun 27-Jan-13 13:13:33

Its now how my frirnds go about things silentsplendidsun. No wonder the divorce rate is so high hmm

Lady do you have sons

SparklyAntlersInMyDecorating Sun 27-Jan-13 13:15:00

So you marry that consultant or lawyer or banker - and then there is a redundancy, or a redeployment, or a recession...

You marry your mechanic, or binman, or care worker or plumber or man on the moon or dog walker or whatever ... and you love each other steadily, then maybe there's an illness, or divorce, or children, or no children... or maybe nothing at all.

Life happens - it will throw anything at you from job security, unemployment, illness, children, theft, accidents - regardless of the fiscal position of your marital spouse. Better to teach love, resolve and trust than saying our compatibility is based on your hypothetical assurance to deliver long-term material gain. The aristocracy did marriage as a busy contract for a few hundred years, thankfully the rest of us just got on with it.

SilentSplendidSun Sun 27-Jan-13 13:15:07

Cother, are you deliberately misunderstanding? The OP said marry a well-off man, not divorce him if he falls on bad times.

And you DID marry a well-off man who is also incidentally amazing.

Do you not see the parallels?

Jinsei Sun 27-Jan-13 13:16:20

It's a very weird POV tbh. I'd far rather rely on my own earning potential than a partner's. What if you chose to marry someone for their money and they died/got sick/got made redundant/ran off with another woman etc?

StripeyBear Sun 27-Jan-13 13:17:10

>I'll encourage my daughters to earn their own money and if they're interested in medicine to be consultants themselves.

Yes, I think this is an admirable sentiment. I was involved in work on a report by the Royal College a few years ago into how difficult it is to work flexibly in these positions. From memory, the issues are that training is very long (jumping into the period when most women want to start a family) - and the training process doesn't like to accommodate part-time women or flexible hours as there is a feeling that caring for patients isn't amenable to job-sharing. Consequently women medics go into GP practice in disproptionate numbers. If there is a consultant or medic on here, I'm sure they would explain it better than that.

I know some women want to work full-time and are quite happy to combine that with motherhood. I suppose what I'm thinking is - most women want to reduce their hours when they have children and choose careers or move into jobs that allow them to do that... and therefore their husband's income is probably the primary determinant of their household income/lifestyle.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 27-Jan-13 13:18:00

YABVU, what a materialistic view to teach your DD. Surely you want more for your daughter than for her to rely on a man and do nothing but stay home.

I hope DS has a good people sense and chooses a partner that loves him and doesnt see him as a cashpoint whilst she stays home.

Women should be encouraged to have it all just the same as men, family and working can go hand in hand easily.

freerangelady Sun 27-Jan-13 13:18:37

Yanbu - with caveats. As long as you are also teaching your daughter that she can be a high earner.

I have numerous friends now who married for love but are having to make huge compromises in their life choices. Most want to stay at home for a few of the early yrs of kids but cannot afford to. I do think girls need it discussed with the that If you are the wealthy one in the partnership you are signing up for a certain lifestyle.

Money doesn't make a marriage but it makes life an awful lot easier in many ways.

CotherMuckingFunt Sun 27-Jan-13 13:19:15

But his money had nothing to do with why I married him. In fact, when I met him he was going through bankruptcy but happened to get a fantastic job (by working his nuts off) in the year before we got married.

I just can't imagine basing a decision on who you want to spend the rest of your life with and be the father of your children on a bank statement.

eggsy11 Sun 27-Jan-13 13:20:06

i don't think the OP was like marry your daughters off to rich men because it's the 1920's... It was more of a 'it's really hard for women to do well because of having children etc'. That's how I read it anyway.

StickEmUp Sun 27-Jan-13 13:21:46

YABU, what a silly state of mind.

Narked Sun 27-Jan-13 13:22:50

'most women want to reduce their hours when they have children and choose careers or move into jobs that allow them to do that'

Really? Most women have to do that because they can't afford the kind of childcare that would allow them to work fulltime, particularly with more than one DC, and they are usually the lower earner so it's their job that's sacrificed.

LadyMcSplodge Sun 27-Jan-13 13:24:50

SPB, I do, yes

honeytea Sun 27-Jan-13 13:26:40

I will encourage my children to value love over a big house nice car and posh school. If you grow up with your parents suggesting you need those things then you are likely to be unhappy in a little house and second hand car.

If your parents teach you about the joy in simple things then your beach holiday in the UK might be more fun than an all inclusive trip to the Caribbean.

FlouncingMintyy Sun 27-Jan-13 13:30:07

Yabu. I will do no such thing! I won't encourage her to marry anyone if she doesn't want to. I will encourage her to be her own person, to do everything in her power to find a job she loves and keep it if possible if she has children.

Your op sounds like something from Pride and Prejudice!

What advice are you giving your sons? Who should they marry? Or are they free to mak their own choices and own way in the world?

I'm not saying don't state a preference, as parents I think we can't help but do so.

amillionyears Sun 27-Jan-13 13:30:45

Even, maybe they were using it as part of an excuse.
Or perhaps they now know they have been proved wrong in their own eyes, so dont want to back down now and lose face.
Or perhaps they do wrong behaviour in other areas as well?
I am going off the topic of this thread, so will get back to topic.
I hope they change their behaviour sometime Even, for all your sakes.

amillionyears Sun 27-Jan-13 13:32:39

SPB, I am wondering what advice she is giving to her DDs.

op, do you actually have DDs, and what sort of age are they?

Narked Sun 27-Jan-13 13:33:15

I would say it's more important for them to choose to have children with someone who sees raising them - and covering the cost of childcare - as a joint responsibility. Someone who will be up sharing the night time feedings or taking time off when they're ill rather than expecting it to be done by their partner.

Read a few threads on here and from SAHMs to those who work full time and from high earning husbands who are flying all over the world on business to those who are 9-6 low wage manual workers, it's the attitude that matters. There are those who seem to resent taking any part in looking after their own DC and treat money they earn as theirs alone. There are those who cook and clean and accept that working does not entitle them to do feck all at home.

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