Or is DH?

(54 Posts)
Seriouslysoreboobs Sat 26-Jan-13 23:29:02

My husband works 65 hours a week plus works on computer/bb when he is home. He does a sports thing at the weekend (not in a team). When he is not at work he is renovating a house we rent out. So he is a very busy man and I completely understand this.

We have 4 dc aged 4, 3, 2 and 4 months.

AIBU to ask my husband to cancel or delay his sport thing tomorrow so he can take our DS4 to his football practice (indoor) to save me taking the 3 other children out in this weather on a 15 mile round trip and it'll be a hassle in and out the car, tantrums they don't get to stay at football (not allowed to stay and nowhere safe to watch) and generally just a headache all round.

Oh I don't have any hobbies, social life etc because my husband is a workaholic,no family nearby and babysitters are non existent in this neck of the woods!

He says he's going on his sport thing regardless. I think it is very selfish of him to choose himself over the kids. He thinks I'm overreacting.... [bhmm]

Valpollicella Sat 26-Jan-13 23:33:32

I kinda think you anbu, but might it be worth asking him before now?

Is his 'sport thing' something he might be able to do later in the day?

fairylightsinthesnow Sat 26-Jan-13 23:35:57

YANBU and you don't need us to tell you that. LTB. smile well, no, probably not for this, but clearly he isn't appreciating the whole picture. Can you contrive an illness tomorrow and MAKE him therefore have to deal with what would be YOUR day? (Ferris Beuller would recommend licking your palms to make then clammy)

Xmasbaby11 Sat 26-Jan-13 23:38:12

Gosh your situation sounds really hard. I think with 4 kids you need a day off - can't husband take all of them?! It's a bit short notice though - sort of depends what his commitment is.

LeaveTheBastid Sat 26-Jan-13 23:40:12

He is being a selfish bastard.

At what point during his week does he have any hands on involvement with his children? At what point during the week do you get to have a life?

Yes he works hard, but by the sounds of it so do you, so quite why he is more entitled to piss about with hobbies every weekend and put the above his children's needs I have no idea.

BlackStiltonBoots Sat 26-Jan-13 23:43:55

Is his sport thing something he can easily postpone? If so YWNBU to ask him to take DC to football.

Do you ever have time for yourself at the weekend? It's important you have some time to rest and recharge too.

Seriouslysoreboobs Sat 26-Jan-13 23:44:24

He can do it any time of day. He routinely take ds to football on a Sunday.

He told me an hour ago that I will just have to take all the kids with me so ds can go to training.

I had assumed that DH was doing the football run hence the reason I hadn't asked earlier, plus he only got in at 8pm from working at house.

Charmingbaker Sat 26-Jan-13 23:44:56

I think it's your situation that is unreasonable. Your husband needs some time out if he's working those hours. You need a break in your week away from the kids. Does a 4yo need a 15mile round trip for football practice?

morethanpotatoprints Sat 26-Jan-13 23:44:59

YANBU.

Why does your dh work so many hours and fill all his time away from your home. Does he ever see your dc. I would be really mad if my dh had done this. I know he has to earn a living but what about his responsibilities of husband and father.

BlackStiltonBoots Sat 26-Jan-13 23:47:30

Well if he can do his sport at any time of the day then he can take DS to football first can't he?

Does he (your H) give you any support at all? When does he see the children or do things with them?

HildaOgden Sat 26-Jan-13 23:49:02

Honestly?I think you need marriage guidance counselling.I honestly can't see how a relationship like that can work out long term.When do you all have family time?When do you have couple time?

TheArbiter Sun 27-Jan-13 05:25:15

Your family situation is completely and utterly unsustainable. The only spare time any of you has is your husband's sports time, which he doesn't even really have, because there's this gruelling 15-mile round trip to fit in, which at the moment you have to do and resent doing - and that's not unreasonable.

My honest advice: sell the house that you rent out. As things stand your family situation means that the sports thing is your husband's only spare time, which he needs. You also need spare time and don't have any. If your husband wasn't faffing about renovating a house, then maybe you'd both have spare time.

If he is the sort that would just find something else to occupy his time that didn't involve the kids, then a serious talk is needed.

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 08:42:56

Thanks everyone.

Decided ds will just need to miss football today - DH has left already.

There is no getting through to my husband. He says I get all the time I want through the week to do what I want to do - just take the kids with me hmm

Think we'll be having a very serious discussion when the kids go down to bed tonight.

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 08:46:00

Oh Arbiter - He would just fill his time with something else equally demanding.

Euphemia Sun 27-Jan-13 08:51:51

If I were you I'd have flounced out early this morning and left him to it. It's high time he appreciated what you do!

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 08:59:07

Euphemia - I did think of that but not so practical when the baby has been up 3 times during night and its not fair to drag him out in this weather just because I want to prove a point. Although if I wasn't ebf I would've been out the door in a shot!

Emilythornesbff Sun 27-Jan-13 09:02:56

he says I get all the time I want during the week to do what I want to do - just take the Kids with me shock angry shock
I honestly don't know what to suggest.
I hope someone else has something helpful to say.
Good luck

Euphemia Sun 27-Jan-13 09:04:13

Oh I see - didn't realise you were ebf. smile

He is very unreasonable! Stern words needed indeed.

HazleNutt Sun 27-Jan-13 09:15:38

So when is your own time supposed to be? Without DC? If your DH believes you can easily do everything with kids in tow, he could take the kids along for his activities, right?

ivanapoo Sun 27-Jan-13 09:16:26

Leave all the kids except baby with him one day next weekend.

I mean surely he can do whatever he wants to do, he just has to take the kids with him - right?

ivanapoo Sun 27-Jan-13 09:17:08

Xpost with hazel - great minds think alike etc

Can't you hire someone to work on the house you rent out ? to free up some time. I totally get you - I have 3 DS - 4, 2, and 4 months and are knackered most of the time ! YANBU !

BeeBawBabbity Sun 27-Jan-13 09:27:23

Wow, you both sound crazily busy and it must be exhausting.

I can understand why your husband would treasure his free time, and obviously you have very valid reasons too. I think you did the right thing missing the football. It is way less important than your stress levels.

It'll only get easier as the kids get older, cling on to that! In the meantime, hats off, I couldn't do it.

Euphemia Sun 27-Jan-13 09:28:21

Yeah - do it! Get up as if you're just going to attend to baby, but you have hidden your clothes downstairs and you get dressed and go out with baby! Leave him a note saying "Off out for the day. If you need time out of the house, that'll be fine, because you can just take the kids with you, right? Don't save dinner for me - we'll eat out."

Mwah ha ha!

I honestly don't understand these marriages.

You say if it wasn't the sports thing, he would just find some other excuse to never be home.

Honestly, why do you want to be married to someone like this? Someone who never wants to be with you and the kids?

I agree with selling the house and getting some marriage counselling, because no way is this sustainable.

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