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To be raging with dh about housework

(25 Posts)
apachepony Sat 26-Jan-13 18:54:33

I will be straight up, I can be a pretty untidy person and am not v domesticated. I have improved since moving in with dh, although he has always done a bit more as he is a touch anal about it and also works less hours. Now I am on maternity leave and he expects me to metamorphosize into a domestic goddess. He came home from work ranting because the sitting room was a mess and saying that he was going to go on strike in a week. Today, while he was at work from 12 to 5, I have taken care of my ebf 3 wo baby, who cries if I try to put him down, cooked a big fry for my relatives and dsd, cleaned up after the fry, stripped our bed, and put on a wash of baby clothes. Not a lot maybe but it feels like it when it's hard to put the baby down! He is complaining cos the dishwasher and washing machine have yet to be emptied, the floor wasn't brushed, and the sittin room was messy with cups and biscuit wrappers - his sister was still in the middle of visiting when he arrived - and there was still wrapping from the bouncer my relatives brought. Aibu in thinking he would have a bigger problem if I went on strike given I taking care of the baby? Aibu in expecting him to still do a lot of the domestic duties? (Btw we will also have a cleaner so he's not being worked to the bone) also don't know if it's relevant but I'm on full pay during my maternity leave so its not that he has become sole breadwinner - I couldn't afford to take unpaid leave. His hours vary but he is on average out of the house from 10/11 to 4/5, so not madly long hours.

apachepony Sat 26-Jan-13 18:58:03

I should clarify - not raging with dh for doing no housework - cos he does - but raging with him for ranting at me! I do intend to take charge of the house more in the coming months - I've even just bought an organised mum diary! - but it's hard to get on top of it right now....

foreverondiet Sat 26-Jan-13 19:01:42

He is not working long hours.... and you are caring for a 3 wo baby!

He should be doing all the domestic duties. I do think though that sometimes do need to put the baby down, provided she is fed, winded, clean nappy etc. But realistically, feeding / changing / winding etc take up half the day at that age, and you need to eat yourself, so realistically if he is out 10-4 you have max 1.5 hours time for domestic stuff which isn't much.

If you really don't want to put her down then try a sling can still get stuff down.

scarletforya Argentina Sat 26-Jan-13 19:01:49

I have taken care of my ebf 3 wo baby

YADNBU.

How dare he? Tell him to get it done himself. A baby is 24/7, no days off. He doesn't get time off just because he works outside the home. Is hee pitching in at all?

scarletforya Argentina Sat 26-Jan-13 19:03:46

He needs a reality check. He is being a brat. Can't he see how much you have to do with the baby alone?

Seabright Sat 26-Jan-13 19:03:54

Don't start taking over the household, you'll never be able to hand it back, he'll expect you to do it and the child care and work.

Explain what you've been doing and explains what caring for an EBF baby entails.

Bogeyface Netherlands Sat 26-Jan-13 19:04:07

I suggest you keep a diary of what you have done all day (and night) including every minute holding the baby and what happens when you put the baby down (could be colic btw, holding was the only thing that soothed DD when she had it, speak to your HV).

Then tell him that he is welcome to go on strike, just as soon as he is working the hours that you are, AND doing more in the house.

Euphemia France Sat 26-Jan-13 19:04:30

Remind him that you're on maternity leave i.e. leave to look after the baby, not to tidy/clean up the house.

It sounds like you're getting a lot of visitors - could you cut down on that, or at least get them to clear up after themselves?

When is the cleaner starting? We had cleaners when I was on mat leave - I had an emergency section and a premature baby who fed every two hours, and the house was always clean and tidy as I would have a quick tidy round every time DD was asleep.

DH cooked dinner when he came in, changed nappies, did his own ironing, and that was plenty.

Finally a woman after my own heart. I'm a lazy slattern as well, whose DH has always done more housework than me. I've left work to be a SAHM recently and he also expects me to turn into Nigella crossed with Anthea. I have to gently remind him that when he looks after DD NOTHING else gets done. He is very lucky I manage the laundry and dishwasher. I also cook him fabulous meals most nights and do the general tidying/surfaces/crap. I'm not doing the rubbish, recycling, floors and everything else.

aquashiv Sat 26-Jan-13 19:09:51

The cleaner will make the first year enjoyable well done.

Is he able to levitate over the floors toilet seats and bedding never eating food and not needing any clean laundry, if not he should be offering assistance and seeing what needs doing and get on with it.

ihearsounds Sat 26-Jan-13 19:11:15

The visitors could quiet easily put their rubbish in the bin and take their cups in the kitchen. Never mind pop them into the dishwasher/wash them up. He's raging at the wrong person, should be the lazy visitors, and how bloody rude they are not to do anything, apart from stuffing their faces and drinking.

McNewPants2013 Sat 26-Jan-13 19:12:46

I took me along time to juggle housework and my baby.

I suspect after 3 weeks with little or no sleep you haven't got the energy to do housework, so he should be greatful of what you have done.

McNewPants2013 Sat 26-Jan-13 19:14:35

Also you are looking after his daughter on top of that.

Bogeyface Netherlands Sat 26-Jan-13 19:30:59

I suspect after 3 weeks with little or no sleep you haven't got the energy to do housework, so he should be greatful of what you have done.

After 3 weeks with no sleep he should be grateful she hasnt killed him.

Good point about looking after your step daughter too. Ask him how that comes under maternity leave.

Bogeyface Netherlands Sat 26-Jan-13 19:31:54

Bloody tab!

I meant to add that he couldnt work at all if you werent at home looking after his baby and his daughter, he would have to be doing it all himself. Perhaps you should retire to your room all weekend, emerging to feed the baby only and then going back.

Boomerwang England Sat 26-Jan-13 19:35:04

Anyone who has had to look after a young baby should know just how hard it is to get anything done. It's not a simple case of bunging baby in the rice pan and getting on with it.

apachepony Sat 26-Jan-13 19:38:31

We are having a lot of visitors - from both sides of the family - and yes they are a lot of work as well as expensive food wise though they have all brought generous gifts (apart from free loading bil but that's another story...) in fairness, he has done a lot of the cooking for them to date, and the extra work has probably caused resentment. Forgot about looking after his daughter to enable him to work tho she's no trouble! I am starting to use a sling so that might help... To be honest looking after the baby is enjoyable - opting for bf is good for lazy slatterns as it means more enforced sitting around, surfing the net, staring at the baby and crying hormonally at US crime shows and less cleaning bottles, sterilising, making up formula, winding - so it mightn't look like much work to him... Just makes it hard to fit in much housework!

slightlysoupstainedbabygrows Sat 26-Jan-13 19:44:15

TBH during the first two weeks I did nothing except feeding baby. DP did absolutely everything else. Nappy changes, all housework. At week 3 I would have been pleased to manage half of what you've described. It got easier from then on, but at this point the amount of time you spend feeding is important for establishing a good supply, and the amount of rest you have will make a big difference to how quickly you recover. (Let me guess, he's probably assuming 3 weeks is plenty to be fully physically recovered?)

Would generally say it's fair if you've got equal free time, but right now you need MORE, and you're not going to get it because your baby needs you. For him to eat in to the already inadequate rest time you have and give you a hard time is quite simply being a massively thoughtless dickhead.

LineRunner Sat 26-Jan-13 19:47:31

So let him go 'on strike'. Boo hoo.

I so agree apache about BFing. I tell everyone I did it because I'm lazy (and fat and cheap). It is great for 'having' to sit around while people bring you tea. DD did decide later that she would be a lightning fast feeder and that was annoying. grin

Enjoy the new baby.

LadyMcSplodge Sun 27-Jan-13 13:04:10

YANBU at all, OP.

Your 'D' H on the other hand IS being VVVVVVVU.

I would tell him to feel free to carry out his petty little strike but that he'll more than likely find himself divorced at the end of it!

I don't know, I think you might be a tiny bit unreasonable

You say you have always been untidy so while yes, having a tiny DC should excuse you from housework, your DH is probably just over it because he has always done more around the house and now he's expected to do even more even though you are home all day.

To be clear, I think YANBU to say you can't do much now as you have a tiny baby and lots of visitors. But I don't think your husband is BU to be a bit frustrated. So I think it would be good to come up with some kind of plan for the coming months. Have a good discussion, figure out how you will split the work (because you shouldn't do it all), basically have a plan you are both okay with.

And when you do the plan, add childcare into the mix -- it's actually great that he has short hours, so he can spend plenty of time taking care of DC too.

apachepony Sun 27-Jan-13 13:38:15

Bohemian, I see where you're coming from, which is why I do intend to do more over the next few months. I think he will always do a bit more tidying - apparently I don't tidy well enough - but I intended to do the meals etc. but not in the first 6 weeks, and meal shopping is pretty difficult with a tiny newborn who has been sick, no car and either sub zero temperatures or lashing rain...

Have you spelled that out to him, ie, after six weeks you will do more? If so, then he's really being unreasonable, he needs to remind himself that it will not always be like this, it's just a big adjustment period.

In what way do you not tidy well enough?

If you don't already do online shopping, you should, it helps so much in the early months.

In fact, go through everything you are doing and figure out what really needs to be done and what can be streamlined or dropped for a while.

It will get easier anyway smile

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