Would I a bitch to tell my friend the reasons, as I see it, why she is still single?!(42 Posts)
A friend of mine is same age as me - we were school/college friends. Don't get to see her that often now, as I've 3 DC and we live in different cities, apart from Xmas, etc.
Every time we try and meet she is always, always about an hour late, as was took her time getting ready. She does this to everyone, often at times when we've dinner booked, etc. But it's always our fault for not waiting, booking dinner too early, etc, or like 'what's the big deal?!' (particularly galling as my and DH might have gotten a babysitter to go out with friends, etc)
was on to on the phone a good bit this week as she was meant to come up and see me and the kids and stay over. I also told her of my idea to fix her up on a blind date with a single work colleague who I think she's suit (BTW, he's also a bit too easy going but a nice enough guy) but got a text saying she wasn't feeling great, etc.
she's a lovely looking girl, very pretty, but can't seem to hold down a relationship. in fact, she has never been in a long term relationship. we had a chat recently on the phone about it all and according to her, the guys she meet are just non-committal bas**rds, and she also thinks a lot of them could be 'gay' but in the closet!! . She expects to be treated like a princess, and is very conscious of what potential guy earns, etc, which is fine if she's thinking about kids, etc, but surely it more about a guy's values not hi pay packet?
I just listened, etc but i felt like saying the reason you are still single is:
a. you flirt with guys and base it all around alcohol and nights out whereas you're much more a woman of substance and intelligence bt feel you have to act the 'cutsie' girl. This worked at age 22, not age 37.
b. you're not great at compromise and are too precious about your own time and needs which will not work for a relationship.
c. you can be too superficial when seeking out potential boyfriends - looks, job, etc - but you ould meet a gem of a man if you were more open
d. You can't even commit to meeting us at a particular time when we've arranged to meet, how could you commit to a relationship!!
I relaly like this girl, bit i fear she will be single if she continues on. she's love to get married and have children, etc (which we all know is an ideal state that require no work of compromise whatsoever! but there are lots of single women out there who are just feel are not as open, are too fussy and too prescriptive about what they want and not open to seeing maybe what they need.
AIBU (don't flame me!)
Leave her alone. You've said yourself that you have lived miles apart and only got together a couple of times a year for some time - perhaps you don't really know her as well as you think you do, in which case your 'well-meaning advice' will probably cause a fair bit of offence and an almighty falling out.
If your friend has been this way for the last 15 years, I can't see her changing drastically in the next 5.
Does she complain about being single?
I know a woman who has been single her whole life, and puts it down to her belief that all men are wankers/bastards etc. I think she got that idea from her mum sadly.
From what she has told me, she has been actively seeking a relationship since she was 16, and has been asked out a couple of times, but has refused because she said the men were not good enough.
Like you, I would feel a bitch if I said to her that she may have more success if she actually left the house occasionally, stopped seeing men as the enemy before they have uttered a word, and stopped expecting to be swept away by a knight in shining armour with a few million in the bank, whose only desire in life is to spend every waking hour proving that he is a thoroughly decent man, and when he has proved this, to spend every single minute of his time, every penny of his money and every ounce of his energy on giving you every single thing you desire.
During the relationship, he would be expected to tolerate your laziness and your moodiness, your rudeness to anyone who disagrees with you
including your family but not friends because you have hardly any and to indulge in your favourite pastime, debating topical subjects.
He is to be extremely attractive, a car driver, and able to be at your beck and call, as well as being very keen to have DC, and be prepared to arrange a house for you to live in, undertake the day to day running of the house, do all of the cooking and cleaning (she cannot cook and does not like to clean, but can clean) and do all of this while you disrespect him, because of course, all men are bastards/wankers and deserve to be treated like underclass citizens.
Before I met this woman, I would not have believed that a woman like this existed, yet she truly does want to meet a man, have DC etc, but she really really dislikes men, bordering on a hatred for men, and only ventures out of her house to travel to another relatives once a week, then back home again, and occasionally to see friends, maybe 2 or 3 times a year for an evening.
The relative she sees does not venture out of her house either, nor does she have many friends, (only 3 and I am 1 of those) hence how I know this woman.
Anyhow, some people just can't see themselves from someone else's perspective, and some of those don't want to, even if they could.
In fairness I wasn't missing the point - you never said she expresses the desire to be in a long term relationship until your 4th post.
Tbh If she likes her own space too much then she doesn't really want a relationship. So I would still leave her alone, now you have got it off your chest.
If she ever did ask for your views, you could probably give her a toned down version of the OP. Like- look for partners on occasions other than drunk nights out, make sure you actully have room in your life for a bloke and don't necessarily restrict yourself to the lookers.
Pag you never said she expresses the desire to be in a long term relationship until your 4th post.
To be fair to the OP she said in her first post:
she's love to get married and have children, etc
Which by implication suggests a desire to be in a long term relationship, no?
YABU. You sound very smug.
When I was a single girl I would've welcomed a bit of constructive advice
Constructive advice. What you're prepared to say to her is a pretty all-round condemnation if her personality and lifestyle.
Smug marrieds have no place in giving single friends 'advice.' they have no idea.
Thank you Claire - I missed that.
I agree with KhallDrogo.
You sound EXACTLY like an ex-friend of mine. Guess why she's an ex-friend. Yep, she stuck her nose in where it wasn't wanted and made me feel like shit because I wan't in a relationship like her.
If you do decide to give her your advice please be prepared for the following comment:
"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."
A well meaning "friend" once told me that the reason I was still single was because I always had on my "fuck off" face. I don't speak to her any more.
If she asks, tell her. In a constructive way.
If she doesn't ask, then don't.
If she always moans about it and you are getting fed up, tell her you are fed up. People who moan about the same thing over and over, without even trying to tackle the situation, for years piss me off.
Maybe shes just never met anyone she fancies that much to put in an effort with?
Maybe she likes being single but just doesn't admit it?
The only thing I would mention would be the lateness, but even then I wouldn't phrase it so as to mention this being a reason for her being single.
I hope she gets swept off her feet this year by the most perfect, kindest, richest man, who treats her like a complete princess. Then she can look down her nose at you.
She wont thank you - I would just avoid trying to set her up and conversations about dating full stop.
FWIW the best advice I had when single is think about what you find attractive and try to cultivate those qualities yourself. (I don't mean massive cock and hairy chest)
So I probably wouldn't have been attracted to a lairy, overweight, constantly drunk/stoned person in a dead end job who was desperate for a partner, any partner and snogged anything that moved - yet that was who I was.
sorry that is 'no' don'rt say any of this to her!
I with the smile and nod brigade.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.