if you want a child-free wedding you have to expect some people with children won't attend

(47 Posts)
wanderingcloud Sat 26-Jan-13 14:11:18

that's it basically. I'm not knocking anyone for wanting a child-free wedding. You're paying and its your day. But if you do, surely you expect that some people with kids will not go? Even if you don't have kids of your own?

AIBU to believe you should be able to think beyond your own pre-wedding bubble and see that other people have their own priorities and that might involve putting their children first?

YANBU at all.

Snazzynewyear Sat 26-Jan-13 14:14:52

YANBU. Same for issuing evening only invites to a weekday wedding to people who live more than 2 hours' drive away. I swear some couples think guests should build their own time machines to accommodate the Blessed Day's requirements.

onetiredmummy Sat 26-Jan-13 14:16:34

Hahaha OP, depends how much of a bridezilla you have there.

To my mind, I would expect some people not to come yes, but then it is not my Big Day hmm When you have a wedding to plan you can go a bit crazy, don't let them bother you smile

Jins Sat 26-Jan-13 14:16:56

This is because they feel that you have to be invited but they aren't bothered either way whether you are there.

Go or don't go but don't let it upset you smile

ShephardsDelight Sat 26-Jan-13 14:17:12

YANBU

not everyone has access to a babysitter etc.

Pigsmummy Sat 26-Jan-13 14:18:04

I see where you are coming from, I am feeling terrible as I have to decline an invite because it's child free and not in this country (I have a baby) both are their choice yet I feel bad?! They should really expect declines for this reason shouldn't they? I am expecting some come back from the decline, expressing disappointment and questioning our decision but it's their choice to get married overseas and not invite my dependant!

I got married, it wasn't child free as that would have alienated most of my family but it was in half term holiday so I expected that some people couldn't come if they had booked a family holiday and I was fine with that.

redexpat Sat 26-Jan-13 14:18:24

YANBU. But I'd love to know the backstory... I'm guessing a bridezilla is marrying your Bro, or Dhs bro, in some faraway castle, which means an expensive stay overnight, where you don't have anyone who can babysit and is throwing a hissy fit because you're not coming.

Or is this just a thread about a thread?

DoJo Sat 26-Jan-13 14:18:43

Whilst I agree that it is reasonable to expect some people not to come, your last sentence seems to imply that anyone who does attend a child-free wedding isn't putting their children first which I don't necessarily agree with - children can benefit enormously from time spent without their parents.

DoJo Sat 26-Jan-13 14:21:56

Of course that might just be my reading of it because I'm leaving my son with his GPs for the first time to go to a wedding, and I'm a little apprehensive about it because even if everything goes swimmingly, I'll really miss him!

expatinscotland Sat 26-Jan-13 14:23:02

People say they're giving couples a chance to have a lovely child-free time. They're doing their guests a favour in that.

Madmum24 Sat 26-Jan-13 14:27:12

^ Many people would love child free time, but unless the bride/groom are paying for an on site babysitting service then that won't be an option for many. Not everyone could afford a babysitter/have access to family/consider leaving small children on an overnighter.

specialsubject Sat 26-Jan-13 14:29:26

an invite is optional. If you can't or don't want to go, just decline politely. No need for angst.

irlouise13 Sat 26-Jan-13 14:31:29

Its a wedding invite, not a court summons, you don't have to go and the bride/groom prob don't care all that much!

LittleChimneyDroppings Sat 26-Jan-13 14:35:18

My dh's younger sister is getting married soon. 6 hour drive away and no children invited. We have no one to baby sit for that length of time, but sil is very pissed off that we can't make it. She cant have it both ways though.

wanderingcloud Sat 26-Jan-13 14:36:35

Sorry dojo didn't mean to imply leaving your children isn't putting them first. Of course sometimes it's great, if you have suitable childcare it can be brilliant for everyone.

But the expectation that everyone can/should have to arrange suitable childcare for a weekend not of their choosing.

I wouldn't care if the bride in question wasn't bothered if I attend. Apparently though, I must. But I can't bring DS (18 months) or bf 3 month old hmm

FredFredGeorge Sat 26-Jan-13 14:36:39

Of course you do. I think you have a strange idea of what a wedding invite is - it's not an expectation that you'll attend, it's an invitation to attend if you want to and it's convenient...

I've never met anyone who has the opposite view though... so I'm not sure why you're asking. what is someone actually doing?

Whathaveiforgottentoday Sat 26-Jan-13 14:37:23

YANBU

We had a almost childfree wedding but there were a few very young babies there as they were too young to be left behind, plus a couple of friends who dont have the luxury of grandparent babysitters so again they brought their kids.

Most left them behind and enjoyed a child free night.

We expressed in the invitation that we'd rather they didn't bring their children but if it wasn't possible, then we'd rather they were there with kids than not at all.

We felt it was important that our friends could attend. I suppose it depends on how important your friends and family are to you.

I think that's fair, yes, the couple should not expect everyone to attend.

But from what I can tell, most couples actually don't expect this. Rather, the people who can't come are the ones all angstful and upset, as if an invitation does equal expectation.

Just decline and move on, unless the couple obviously pressures you I think you can assume they understand and are not bothered.

Pandemoniaa Sat 26-Jan-13 14:38:09

... you don't have to go and the bride/groom prob don't care all that much!

Strange to go to the bother of inviting them in the first place if this is the case!

YANBU, OP. it is the bride and groom's choice of course but provided they accept that some people may not attend then fine. It gets very unreasonable when guests are expected to justify why they've declined the invitation and, quite frankly, it takes the piss when child-free weddings are dressed up as opportunities to be away from your children.

expatinscotland Sat 26-Jan-13 14:39:01

'I wouldn't care if the bride in question wasn't bothered if I attend. Apparently though, I must. But I can't bring DS (18 months) or bf 3 month old '

Tell her no. There's no 'must'. It's an invite.

What exactly has she said to indicate that you must attend?

I agree OP and I dont mind at all if Im.invited to a childfree wedding as I have access to a babysitter. I appreciate that a lot of people dont though.

If I was invited to a child free wedding of a colleague or distant relatve I would decline, if without childcare, but if it was a best friend or very close family member, one of DH or I would go and the other would stay home with dd.

HecateWhoopass Sat 26-Jan-13 14:40:23

They are being unreasonable.
What have they suggested you do with your children?
You have to attend?
Erm, actually. No, you don't.
Weddings send some people dolally.

fairylightsinthesnow Sat 26-Jan-13 14:44:53

Littlechimney in your case, could your DP not go alone? It is odd not to attend a sibling's wedding assuming they have a good relationship. Generally I agree with the OP. we usually leave our two pre-schoolers with GP for things like this but when we got married we made it ultra child friendly as our two obviously had to be there so we had a bouncy castle and loads of toys (think the kids had a better time than the grown-ups actually)

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