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To expect DH to stick up for me and show respect?

(76 Posts)
ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 12:34:49

DH and I have this friend. This friend, Bob, would often have drinks or dinner with DH, usually without me being there - for reasons due to it being a guy's night, I didn't want to go to X venue or whatever.

Bob is known to be a bit of a schemer, smarmy and sometimes underhanded. All starts off well and good - Bob isn't Pinochet. You just have to roll your eyes at him and laugh at the pathetic nature of it all. Still, my DH likes shooting the superficial shit with him and allows him a chance to get out of the house and socialise etc.

It comes to my attention that Bob is saying unkind things about me and even my DH to DH's face! Bob once addressed me in an email as 'Dear blah blah blah'. A few off-colour comments are made by Bob about me. Now, I pointed these out to Dh and said that it was unacceptable and Bob was not only insulting me but also doubly-insulting us to do it to DH's face. Bob has also said somethings about Dh to DH which has annoyed DH.

Dh has Asperger's anyway, but usually takes the path of least resistance: he favoured just eye-rolling at Bob and letting it go as Bob is just like that with everyone.

AIBU to expect my DH to calmly say to Bob, 'errr, mate. That's my wife you're talking about. Please stop' or something along those lines? I don't ask for a fist-fight, but just some semblance of respect. After the insults got too much and DH was refusing to do anything/say anything to Bob, I wrote Bob an email that laid down the law. But, should DH have automatically stuck up for me after e.g. the 5th off-colour comment, or should I have just put up with it/let it lie?

Secondly, DH works with a female, Jane. Jane is perfectly friendly and nice, certainly not a bad person or anything. She's a little too hyperactive and flitty for me to want to be friends with her, but that's not the point. She is also very touchy-feely. She like that with everyone. DH hates people touching him and has said that he is not comfortable when she touches him. He thinks it's easier not to say something to her than to "cause a scene".

AIBU to want him to respect my position as his wife and to, at the least, take a step back from her when she does touch him or even have an informal, off-the-cuff, even jokey light-hearted conversation about how er touching him is not on.

When the three of us once met up, I ended up walking behind them and they were walking so close side-by-side that they were touching. I was really hurt.

Thanks for reading this far.

LabelsGalore Sun 27-Jan-13 08:36:48

You need to remember that your DH is happy to talk to you about Bob (and Jane!) and their attitudes make him feel.
Which is very good.

What you don't want is for your DH to find that telling you about it is making him uneasy/stressed and will prefer not to say anything because of your reaction.

Now I know you very probably have reacted calmly. But what I have learnt is that what I though was a calm response from me was actually interpreted as very emotional/angry/stressful by my DH who much much prefers the very calm and matter of fact approach (and then decided it was better not to try and discuss things with me). Something to keep in mind for you too.

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