to be mad with dh

(99 Posts)
city1984 Sat 26-Jan-13 09:52:19

Last night ds had an accident. It involved me taking ds to hospital. Dh couldn't do it as he had to stay in. So he looked after 4 month ok dd. She was unsettled. He tried all the usual stuff to calm her. Nothing worked so he put her in cot and lef her to cry whilst he sat watching tv. She eventually went to sleep. I know he may not have been able to calm her. (Probably needed breast for comfort) but leaving her crying in the cot so he could watch tv. Surely he could have done more.(Think she cried for half an hour)

JumpingJackSprat Sat 26-Jan-13 11:28:34

mountain out of a molehill. has the baby been harmed by being left to go to sleep? did he adequately look after her? did she go to sleep? think you need to get over it and realise he will do things differently to you from time to time. your way isnt necessarily the right way.

Icelollycraving Sat 26-Jan-13 11:28:46

Hope both of your dc are ok now. I would have been pissed off for a small baby to cry unchecked for half hour.

COCKadoodledooo Sat 26-Jan-13 11:30:38

I'd have taken a breastfed baby with me.
Maybe dh was BU, but I think once I'd tried everything I'd be either calling mum and her accompanying comforting breasts back, taking the child to her or if those really weren't options I'd have done what he did lest I get overly frustrated and cross. The potential is there when they Just Won't Shut Up to think the unthinkable, and even if you have no intention of carrying it out the separation would definitely help.

How is ds now?

Greensleeves Sat 26-Jan-13 11:33:21

confused at the posters saying it must have been OK because she went to sleep

a child will eventually cry herself to sleep from exhaustion if not attended to. This does not mean it is OK to ignore your baby until she cries herself to sleep.

StripiestSocks Sat 26-Jan-13 11:33:24

YANBU to be pissed off, even cry it out advocates admit it is harmful to leave babies under 6 months so it isn't like he was following a 'philosophy'.

StripiestSocks Sat 26-Jan-13 11:34:36

And 'hear hear' to what Greensleeves said.

HollyBerryBush Sat 26-Jan-13 11:41:55

Ther are pages and pages of reputable scientific studies showing babies crying do not trigger the same hormones and instinct women have.

Same at ther are pages and pages of study showing leaving a baby to cry is actually beneficial to the entire family. Breast feeding back to sleep is damaging (apparently)

And there will be pages and pages of studies showing the opposite.

www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=166701

Most of the babies that woke during the night were boys. These babies -- considered transitional sleepers -- were also assessed as being more irritable or difficult. They were also more likely to be breast-fed. The mothers of these transitional sleepers were more likely to be depressed and have greater maternal sensitivity, the study authors found.

The authors concluded that genetic factors could play a role in difficult temperaments. "Families who are seeing sleep problems persist past 18 months should seek advice," Weinraub advised.

Babies should learn how to fall asleep without help, the researchers added. "When mothers tune in to these nighttime awakenings and/or if a baby is in the habit of falling asleep during breast-feeding, then he or she may not be learning how to self-soothe, something that is critical for regular sleep," Weinraub said.

More research is needed to explore the link between mothers' depression and infant awakenings, the researchers suggested in the news release.

"Because the mothers in our study described infants with many awakenings per week as creating problems for themselves and other family members, parents might be encouraged to establish more nuanced and carefully targeted routines to help babies with self-soothing and to seek occasional respite," Weinraub noted. "The best advice is to put infants to bed at a regular time every night, allow them to fall asleep on their own and resist the urge to respond right away to awakenings."

The study was recently published in Developmental Psychology.

-- Mary Elizabeth Dallas

complexnumber Sat 26-Jan-13 11:42:13

'hear hear' to what JJ Sprat said

frustratedworkingmum Sat 26-Jan-13 11:45:52

It has just occured to me that we see a baby crying as being in distress, when actually they could be just over tired, hungry, uncomfortable and this is the only form of communication they have. I wonder if they feel as distressed as we do when we, as adults, cry or if it is different? If the former is true it would be very wrong to leave a baby to cry but if, as i suspect the latter is true then its ok. I don't have the answer, it just occured to me.

city1984 Sat 26-Jan-13 11:54:06

Would have taken her but knew it would be a long night. Hospital dealing with it was 30 miles away. Dd will take a bottle fine so didn't think there would be a problem. Will also self settle although I Guess i normally stay in room. Ds is fine now thank you. Although he will need further treatment. Haven't had a chance to discuss shower incident as dh has taken ds out.

I think YANBU. He may not have been able to comfort your baby, but he could have tried rather than deciding his own leisure time is more important than her distress. I would be pretty angry, and I think half an hour is a long time to leave a little baby to cry.

I'm also interested to know what is so important he needed to stay in rather than taking his son to hospital meaning you could stay with the breastfed baby.

sudaname Sat 26-Jan-13 12:10:26

Also an agree to what Jacksprat said.
Greensleeves thanks for the dismissive face pulling at my mothering skills. yes that's right l am a mother - albeit of a different generation to most of you and certainly to the OP.
I stand by what l said and l do know believe it or not the difference between a real screaming cry of pain or hunger or other 'one that wont go away' type of very distressed crying which as l said in my post is not ok to ignore for half an hour or much time at all really. We have no reason to think this was the case in the OP.
I have brought up two DCs ( from babies obviously) who were both happy confident loving well balanced toddlers and have grown up into equally so adults despite my hmm methods.
Yes there were times when having tried absolutely everything else and made sure they werent hungry ,thirsty , too hot, too cold or had wind and they werent any signs of them being in pain (knees up, red faced screaming etc) then yes shock horror l did on occasion leave them to cry for a while to see if they just went to sleep.
<shrugs>

Besides as Hollyberrys post clearly demonstrates the jury is still out even today on which is right or wrong.

Sorry, what is the shower incident?

Four months is too young to cry it out - even the advocates of CC don't advise it before six months.

If he really couldn't take DS to hospital, and you really couldn't take baby with you, the better option would have been for him to let her cry herself to sleep on his bare chest. But I'm not surprised he didn't think of that. I expect he was at the end of his tether.

How are the DCs today?

Greensleeves Sat 26-Jan-13 12:18:08

You're very welcome. You can have another one for your latest post hmm

Leaving a 4mo baby to cry upstairs alone while you watch the tv is slovenly and inadequate. It was inadequate 30 years ago and it's inadequate now. So you managed to justify it yourself - that doesn't make it good parenting.

I don't think it is a man thing, but hormones do funny things to mothers and esp mothers who are currently bf, like the OP. I think we get a chemically different response.

FredKiller Sat 26-Jan-13 12:20:17

Just in response to the article posted by Holly, in the interest of balance.

blog

diddl Sat 26-Jan-13 12:21:52

Could he really not have rescheduled the call?

I'm pretty sure that my husband would have taken our son himself tbh, call or not.

Emilythornesbff Sat 26-Jan-13 12:25:33

I agree with greensleeves. It's not good to leave such a young baby to cry.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird Sat 26-Jan-13 12:33:25

I once left DC1 to cry it out at under four months. Granted I was in the grip of PND and was simultaneously crying it out,but in the grand scheme of things it didn't do any harm. It was a mistake,something to learn from,as will the OPs dh. Lacking breasts is not a shortcoming.

Greensleeves Sat 26-Jan-13 12:35:52

The only time it's the right choice is when you are so rattled/strung out/depressed that you feel you might actually lose control and harm the baby.

Not because you'd rather watch the telly.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird Sat 26-Jan-13 12:38:13

Well maybe he was feeling frustrated and at a loss and tried cc without really understanding what it is.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird Sat 26-Jan-13 12:40:07

I wasn't afraid I was going to harm my baby,I was afraid I was going to kill myself. Nice generalisation though.

city1984 Sat 26-Jan-13 12:52:25

Sorry. This morning i left dd happy in cot whilst I had a shower. Dh was downstairs. She than started crying bu dh either didn't hear or just ignored it. O and dd initially didn't take bottle but did later on. Sorry previous post misleading. (does regularly drink expressed milk from bottle)

city1984 Sat 26-Jan-13 12:55:43

greensleeves I think maybe he was at the end of his tether. Not the most patient person sadly. Although it really came across to me as i wanted to watch the telly so i left her to cry it out.

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