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to be so upset about wedding plans

(79 Posts)
ihateconflict Fri 25-Jan-13 20:57:21

DS got engaged last weekend, and he and fiance have set heart on a May wedding next year. They asked DD to be bridesmaid. However, DD is on a work placement in australia for 8 weeks, which includes the whole of may, which cant be changed. DS feels it is his wedding, hence he should choose the day. DD wants and needs to do this placement as it is the culmination of 5 years of training, and is an essential part of qualifying. I feel that DS should have his wedding either before she goes, or when she returns, as they have not yet decided the exact date. DH says both have to make their choice. The thought of not having my DD at the wedding reduces me to tears, she will be devastated, as will the rest of the family. I might add that we are not a family who have ever argued, and have always managed to do things considering others thoughts and feelings. It seems my only solution is to pay for DD to return for the wedding, but i really cant afford the £1000 airfare, although i would do anything to have my family together.

myBOYSareBONKERS Fri 25-Jan-13 21:50:43

Why do you have to tell them that the wider family will be upset???

That is just stirring it up when there is no need to.

MollyMurphy Fri 25-Jan-13 22:00:10

I can see why your upset but would encourage you to stay pretty neutral on it. Its your son's wedding and if he wants his sister there then he needs to be more flexible. I wouldn't suggest your DD coming all the way back from Australia because ultimately if your son and his fiancee insist on May then its inconsiderate of them and their problem to bear that she can't make it.

As it is as much his wedding as your future DIL's then I wouldn't ladden all the blame on her. Why your son isn't arranging to change it is beyond me. I would be surprised if others were devestated though TBH - really its a one day wedding. Try not to pile on more importance and meaning than is necessary. Its more than possible your DS and future DIL will make other decisions that are frustrating to you before this whole thing is done and its good to keep it in perspective.

Hissy Brazil Fri 25-Jan-13 22:02:02

Hy all the gnashing and wailing OP? Seriously, is this all there is to worry about?

Just call your son, tell him that he may have overlooked the DD placement dates, and that if he's serious about having his family present, then the date may have to shift.

At the end of the day, if you have to fork up for her to break her placement, to 'pop back', then that's £1000 less you could be helping them with their wedding/honeymoon.

I think you just have to say to your DS that if they are set on a may wedding then that's fine, but he will have to accept that your daughter is on her elective and won't be able to go. Don't get into any sort of guilt tripping about people being upset, your DS will probably be aware of this if he really thinks about it. Could September not be an option for similar reasons to may?

WilsonFrickett Fri 25-Jan-13 22:10:38

They only got engaged last week so nothing is set in stone yet. A brief conversations along the lines of 'if you want your sister there, these are the dates when she's away next year, she won't be able to come back during her placement, you know that, don't you?'. And then step back and let them get on with sorting it out. Talking about being 'devastated' at this point isn't helping and is just inflaming the situation.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 25-Jan-13 22:18:37

It is a shame and I can understand your disappointment. I think it has to be DS's decision though. He knows the deal. I'm sure your family will still enjoy the day. Maybe you can have a smaller family celebration when DD returns? I'm afraid if it meant that much to DS he would change the date.

footballmum Fri 25-Jan-13 22:19:47

Sorry but this seems to be more about your feelings than theirs. Leave them to sort it out between themselves and concentrate on enjoying your son's big day.

mynewpassion Fri 25-Jan-13 22:25:09

Its just not about your DD here. Its your DS and his future wife's wedding. You can have an input about the date the final decision rests upon them, DS and your future DIL.

You having resentment when everything has not been organize yet does not bode well for future relations. Don't be that MIL.

2rebecca Germany Fri 25-Jan-13 22:26:26

If I was in a workplacement in Oz for only 8 weeks I wouldn't want flown back to the UK for a wedding, it's a 24 hour flight each way and it takes nearly a week to get over jet lag.
Is this another reverse AIBU?
Agree it's only a wedding, if the couple don't want to rearrange it then it's up to them. It would be nice if they did but it's really not worth falling out over. Their marriage and future life together are more important than 1 day's ceremony. I don't see why the wider family would be upset at the groom's sister not being there. She's not there because she's in Oz presumably enjoying her work placement. I don't think you deciding when your son "should" have his wedding is helpful.

Lafaminute Fri 25-Jan-13 22:29:04

My brother missed my wedding as he worked overseas at the time, my first choice of bridesmaid also couldn't make it - this was unavoidable -we all survived (my charming brother said he'd be sure to be at the next one!) and the wedding was great. In fact I wasn't at my brothers wedding as he chose to get married with only two witnesses, I only have two siblings but we are all close and this missing of weddings didn't adversely affect our relationships.

Booyhoo Fri 25-Jan-13 22:33:09

i think your son and fiance are a bit slow on the uptake if they have decided to get married when their bridesmaid is in another country.confused do they understand the physical impossibility of her being bridesmaid from australia?

they have a choice to make, either they move the date or they dont have your dd as bridesmaid. they cant have wedding in may AND DD as bridesmaid

MerylStrop Fri 25-Jan-13 22:34:11

This doesn't make sense to me.
They want her to be bridesmaid but are organising the wedding at a time when it is impossible for her to be there.
Well they can't have it both ways.
Don't put pressure on but certainly don't propose DD come back for it. It's their call, you have to put aside your own upset.
Though FWIW the weather will probably be no different in May than it is in August.

What Molly, Ethelred, Wilson, Xmasbaby and other said!

I adore my brother and would have been devastated were he not at my wedding - and vice versa. No way would I have planned it for a date when he was on the other side if the world!

Sorry, posted too soon. Are DD and DS close or not really that fussed about each other?

MidniteScribbler Fri 25-Jan-13 22:35:54

Tell that if they have it in May, you will consider DDs flight back from Australia at your expense to be your wedding gift to them. wink

" i cant help feeling i will harbour some anger and resentment towards them... and I seriously feel that it would spoil my relationship with DS fiance."

A little perspective might be a good thing here OP!

You say that this is all about family, and the wider family - well your son's fiancee is going to become family - and you will be "the wider family" to any children they may have. If you let this colour your relationship with them not only do you risk becoming one of those mil - but you could also end up not being as close to any GC as you would like to be.

At the end of the day this is THEIR wedding, not yours, not the wider family's. If they decided to clear off to the Little White Wedding Chapel in Vegas totally alone that would be their choice. You had the wedding YOU wanted when you got married, it is up to them to have what they want, when they want, with who they want.

If you let yourself feel angry and resentful about it, and allow it to affect your relationship with your soon to be DIL then you will end up being the one who loses out. If you are so concerned with the closeness of your family that you are prepared to let it cause this much trouble then you will be the one who actually damages that closeness in the long run.

A missed wedding is nothing compared to an angry, resentful mother/MIL who doesn't have a good relationship with her DIL, when it comes to upskittling close families...

WorraLiberty England Fri 25-Jan-13 22:37:24

Sounds a bit fishy to me

Clearly either he or his Fiancee don't want her there

Yoghurty Fri 25-Jan-13 22:39:49

This is one of the reasons that my fiancé and I are eloping! (There are more!)

As lovely as it would be to spend our wedding day with family and friends, we will not be dictated to about when we get married if someone can't make the date we set.

I'm sure your DS is not purposefully setting a date that your DD can't attend, and I'm sure both he and your future DIL would rather everyone be there, but sometimes things don't work out.

Please don't make either if them feel guilty- it'll ruin their day, and remember, it's just that, their day.

I think you're getting too involved, it isn't your wedding. All you can do is make sure your dd knows the dates his sister's away and then he and his fiance can decide what they want to do.

It isn't unreasonable of them to get married when they want, and it shouldn't be about what will make you enjoy the day most. I think that holding it against the fiance would be an overreaction and unfair, it's as much your son's choice.

NaturalBaby Fri 25-Jan-13 22:41:11

There is no way I would have got married without my sisters or Dh's brother there.
It's not your wedding day though.

OP you sound as though you are very well-meaning but you have potential to be a bit over-bearing and over-dramatic. Of course it would be a shame if your DD couldn't attend her brother's wedding and be a bridesmaid, but if the couple have only been engaged a week then they've not had a chance to think everything through properly yet. The last thing they need is a weeping MIL throwing hissy fits everywhere and telling them that the entire family will be devastated.

Florin Fri 25-Jan-13 22:47:32

My twin sister did a similar thing. Gave us less than 2 weeks notice of her baby's christening knowing we were away. Our holiday wasn't changeable as being paid for by dh's work as he was doing some work out there while there. I still haven't forgiven her, I felt so unimportant in her life and left out of a big family occasion. I think it is very unfair of your son it will come across to your daughter like she is such an unimportant part of his life if there is no reason to choose May he should choose another date. It could put a rift between them for along time, not sure what you can do though :-(

madmayday Fri 25-Jan-13 22:49:05

OP - relax! There's an old wive's tale: "Marry in May, rue the day" - just tell your DS and his missus that and they might reconsider! grin

I think you need to just make them aware of DD's placement dates, that they are not moveable and that she cannot fly back and let them decide.

BridgetBidet Fri 25-Jan-13 22:53:24

From the point of view of the bride and groom it's their wedding and if they want it in May they can have it in May. You will not be getting off on the right foot with your daughter in law if you dig your heels in over this.

And yes you do have the potential to be one of 'those' mothers.

Knowing what has happened with family and friends weddings this kind of wrangling causes more hurt, upset and breaking of relationships than is really worth it over the actual issue at hand. Seen it happen LOADS of times.

If you start dictating to your DIL she is going to resent you and this will set the tone for your relationship which will likely last for years. For the sake of your son and any future grandchildren you might have, it's really, really not worth it.

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