RE 11yo DD's hair-do?

[NoonarAgain]

I am feeling dreadful because I got cross with 11 yo DD today and want to ask if IABU.

We were rushing for school and I called out to ask if DD was ready to go, she then emerged wearing some plastic ear rings, a sparkly head band and a massive high pony tail sprouting out of the top of her head. (Now, I like children to dress like children and really hate a lot of the precocious fashions marketed at young girls.) I have probably made the look sound quite comical but she looked really cheap and tbh it gave me rather a shock.

So... rather than explaining calmly why I wanted her to re do her hair etc, I shouted saying she looked a fright and did she want to look like a rough teenager etc etc. I am a bit ashamed of how I dealt with it tbh, but was so taken aback by how my little girl looked .

Now, I know that I handled it badly, so I am NOT asking AIBU to have got cross, because I know that I was wrong. BUT... was I wrong to make her re do her hairstyle because of concern about how it made her look?

[DontmindifIdo]

YABU - you should have taken a photo first, put it in a frame, not out now if it's a fright, but in a drawer. It will then in 3-4 years time when her 'cool' friends are round and put on display, when boys are brought home it gets pride of place on the mantlepiece, should she ever do anything to make her famous as an adult, this is the photo you'll choose to offer to the press as an example of her childhood look etc.

(I always wonder if Kate Middleton got to vet the photos of her childhood her parents released to the press?)

[DeWe]

The high pony tail wouldn't have worried me at all. Although maybe I'm coming at it from the other angle, having a dd in year 7 who is still steadfastly refusing to wear her hair in anything except two plaits.

I'd probably have removed the ear rings and possibly the head band, but if I hadn't then I'm sure they would have been removed shortly after the first glance from the head, so I'd have said they weren't allowed them at school, which they aren't.

[NoonarAgain]

Dontmind, I know your post is only light hearted but am actually feeling quite upset about this as dd was distraught, saying that i'd no idea how much i'd hurt her feelings

[dexter73]

I would have said ditch the earrings as she probably wouldn't be allowed to wear them in school anyway, but the pony tail and hairband I would have left even if I thought they were hideous. Your dd will be wanting to experiment more with clothes at her age and you could end up having some epic arguments ahead of you. Pick your battles!

[FauxFox]

The next few years are going to be interesting then...pick your battles OP (i.e. when she wants to wear a crop top and hotpants like Rihanna)

[NoonarAgain]

DeWe, it's hard to explain , but there was something about the slightly- to -one- side sproutiness of the pony tail that looked just awful, and so tight, like one of those croydon face lifts or whatever they're called. she really did look a sight.

[dexter73]

I expect you did hurt her feelings if you shouted at her and told her she looked a fright. She probably thought she looked really pretty.

[NoonarAgain]

but as battles go, stopping my dd looking like a chav seemed like a worthy one!

[Backtobedlam]

It depends if you think she'd have got laughed at by others at school, or if her friends would think she looked great. We were never allowed jewellery or make-up at school so those would have gone straight away, but hairstyle I'd probably leave up to her.

[TheCatInTheHairnet]

Oh bless her! As Dexter said, she probably thought she looked nice, and was probably a little nervous about showcasing her new look.

Well, you've already shouted at her now, so there's nothing you can do about that. But perhaps rethink how you're going to handle it next time and maybe suggest she experiments at weekends. But, let her experiment!

[NoonarAgain]

her friends wouldve thought she looked very grown up. she did. scarily so. i was more worried about the fact that i thought she looked common. i know, i know, a terrible thing to say, but i am just being brutally honest

[Pilfette]

I think it's a shock when our babies suddenly give us a glimpse of how they might look when they're older (not saying yours will look rough, OP!) My DD who is 14 has always worn her hair down and a few days ago put it up in one of those messy bun dos, coupled with a bit of flicky eyeliner she looked about 20, I was and a bit Do you think that might have been why you had such a strong reaction?

[NoonarAgain]

pilfette, youre so right. that was a bit part of it.

[DontmindifIdo]

I think mocking works better than disapproval, so telling her she looks like a chav, asking her if she's modelling herself on Vicky Pollard from Little Britain will have more effect that 'banning' a look - she'll just go do it when she's out of your eyesight and then walk around looking like that. Making her see it's a bad look is more effective.

Sometimes having a cruel older sibling has it's merrits, I'd not have been allowed to think I looked good/grown up without my mum having to say anything.

[Backtobedlam]

I think a lot of us would react the same way initially, I can remember my parents commenting a few times on things I wore/hair styles. I look at photos now and ask them why they let me leave the house looking like that?! My mum said she wanted me to learn for myself and come to my mistakes. I think that was the right thing to do-I have a fairly conservative style now, but its my own and I'm confident in my looks/clothes I choose.

She may look common to you but next time I'd just let her be (minus anything that actually breaks school rules) she's only 11, children are reinventing themselves weekly at that age, she'll be into a different look next week. If you say she 'can't' go out like that she may be more likely to rebel and go further!

[Pandemoniaa]

Battles lover appearance rarely end well or are solved successfully by shouting but I can understand your initial shock. As someone else has suggested it is probably better to say that the earrings and sparkly headband aren't suitable for school and compromise on the pony tail.

You are going to need to accept "experiments" though and also expect that your dd is likely to rebel against your taste. In my experience it is better to get this out of the way early even if you do have to tolerate some questionable style decisions. I can't even begin to describe what ds2 looked like during the summer he was 11 but I can promise you he grew out of his fondness for neon coloured long shorts, wrap around sunglasses and bandannas on his head. At the time he looked ludicrous but somehow I managed to keep my honest opinion to myself. Also allowing complete freedom about what he wore when it didn't matter meant I could insist that he dressed more appropriately on those occasions when it did.

[Startail]

I would have reminded DD2 that the earrings would land her in hot water, in Y6 the rest I'd ignore. Now she's at secondary, I would have to judge how OTT the head band was as they are much stroppier about uniform.

DD2 has gone to school with one hair do and come back with another since about Y3, I honestly don't notice most of the time.

YANBU to care what DD looks like or to suddenly notice she looks like a somewhat scruffy teen.

Y6s especially like that look and DD2 still does it occasionally in Y7. I tend to ignore her unless she's going somewhere it will offend.
I find gentle tone it down far more effective than "You can't go out like that".

Whether we like it or not, they do grow up. Hopefully by the time they are 14, they have learnt enough about the world to see why leggings under that skirt, slightly less make up or strapless bra please makes sense.

DD1 only started doing fashion at 14 and does the above with almost no prompting. She's a very grown up looking size 12 with a great deal of common sense. She doesn't need telling that a very short skirt and bra straps showing look awful on her when a younger looking teen might just get away with it.

[Pilfette]

Also, elder DD who is 17, really goes in for the TOWIE look, which I hate. She's so pretty naturally but she fake tans and has clip in hair extensions and covers her face in foundation, blotting out all her natural features, then drawing a new face on top, false eyelashes and all.

I try to let it go, but I always tell her how lovely she looks when it's all more toned down and hope she eventually grows out of it She, on the other hand, spends ages trying to convince me to emulate her look because I'm "getting on a bit" (I'm 35) and otherwise DH will "stop fancying me" DH would probably cry if I wore that amount of make-up...

[Bejeena]

The plastic earrings wouldn't have lasted that long anyway, either school make her take them out or she couldn't bear the pain anymore and taken them out herself! I am sure your reaction was normal for any mother, but maybe it is an experience you learn from yourself too, next time you'll think differently about it.

[Birdsgottafly]

"I think mocking works better than disapproval"

Unfortunately it is usually only females that get mocked for their fashion choices, there is enough people out there that will have an opinion on how a woman should look, i would guide her through this stage.

Just be aware of the language that you use. I hate the idea that a woman is judged on her morality/lifestyleby what she is wearing.

I disagree with many on Mn about makeup etc and find it funny that posters seem to think that they can some up another females knowledge and intelligence because they look like they have stepped out of Towie.

Mocking should never come from care givers.

I have 3 DD's and my house is open to their friends, they all go through different looks, underneath they are the same person.

[NoonarAgain]

Pilfette, sympathies, it must be so hard not to comment too much.

dontmind, i'm amazing that you thought 'mocking' her look was a good strategy but i can see your point. i didnt think of it as mocking, though, just making her aware of what she was projecting to others.

Some very level headed responses on here. I agree that I have to let her experiment, but girls looking precocious is something i feel quite strongly about so it's a tough one.

thanks for the advice

[DontmindifIdo]

Birds - not in our family it's not, my brother's every attempt at selfexpression via his outfits was severally taunted by me [evil sister]

Noonar - you didn't mock, you were shocked and made her change it, that will have unfortunately reinforced that it's a bit cool. Of course, the best course of action would be to do and say nothing, then let her go to school, 11 year old children are cruel - the "oh gosh, you've done something different with your hair, that's interesting" comments are something we only learn to say after school age, one day of classmates calling her choices would have ensured she never wants to have her hair like that again...

Also, if you are trying to hold back the tide of her wanting to look like a woman and not a girl you're fighting a losing battle. Better encourage her to do grown up but non-chavvy styles etc. (if she does goth though, be quietly pleased, studies have shown goth kids end up being far more financially successful in adulthood than most other groups)

[NoonarAgain]

birdsgotta, can i respond to your point in a slightly more serious tone? i agree that as adults we should be free to express ourselves as we wish without fear of being judged.

however, i also think that in modern society the 'sexualisation of children' is a real issue. i think that many young girls dress inappropriately because they are influenced by images in the media. i do think, therefore that parents have a responsibility to guide their children, so that they dress appropriately for their age. (massive over simplification of the issues, but you get my drift)

now obviously my dd was in her uniform, but my concerns about her looking too grown up are definitely 'out of the same bag' as the concerns discussed above. it is possibly that a young person could present a more sexualised image of themselves to the world than they are aware. i think they may need guidance on this. (not saying this was the key issue with dd, but possibly the very, very thin end of that wedge, in as much as in didnt want her to be perceived by others in a certain way).

[NoonarAgain]

ok, dontmind, i slightly misunderstood. i though that you interpreted my harsh words as mocking. i know what you mean now.

[FeckOffCup]

It is a tough one, it's something I'm dreading when my DD gets old enough to want to wear make up and experiment with fashion. It's easy to say pick your battles but it's only now I have a DD that I understand why my mum wasn't thrilled with the crop tops, hair dye and belly piercing in my teens. I want my DD to have nice clothes that are fashionable and won't make her a bullying target but I don't want her walking around looking like a little tart in a few years.