To think dh is being a selfish arse?

[Ashoething]

Background-dh works long hours in a stressful job and I am a sahm to our dcs. Dh has form for treating me like an unpaid skivvy and we have had words about it-A LOT.

We have both been ill with bad colds since monday. Throat killing,head banging,chest agony kind of thing. I am usually very healthy and havent even been to doctors in about 7 years!-so am certainly not usually one to really whinge when am unwell.

Anyway both feel like shit basically. Bit the last 3 nights dh has come home from work at dcs teatime-half 5-and gone straight to bed. I have been left to do all the cleaning,washing up,homework,baths etc.

This morning he went to work and then reappeared 2 hours later and has gone straight to bed again without so much as a hello.

I am left to entertain toddler,clean house,have to go to post office and then so school run

AIBU to think he is a selfish arse for behaving like this?-I am ill too but havent had the luxury of hours in bed this week.

[GirlOutNumbered]

But he will have 'man flu'. It's worse than anything women get you know.

[GirlOutNumbered]

Seriously though, has he come home from work? IF DH came home from work I would know that he must be feeling really bad and I would be happy for him to be in bed. I would have been home looking after the kids anyway.

[HecateWhoopass]

Yes. He is.

He isn't even acknowledging you?

That's not about being ill, is it? That's much more than sickness.

Don't clean the house. Do nothing beyond the essential stuff.

What would happen if you walked into the bedroom, said it's my turn to lie down now. We're both ill. ?

Something needs to change here, doesn't it?

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

[Locketjuice]

That's what my other half is doing at the moment... I'm pregnant had morning sickness which disappeared for a few day but back in full force for the past 6 weeks and feel like utter shit and now he has a cold.. He wants me to also run around after him.

My other half and yours are selfish arseholes :)

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

He is being selfish. You cannot leave your place of work, so to speak. So I reckon the fairest thing would be to take turns in having a sleep and he should consider taking a day off work to allow you time to recover.
YANBU.

[Ashoething]

Yes he has come home but I am also feeling really bad-honestly if you knew me you would know I am very much NOT a hypochrondriac but feel awful. Do I really just have to suck it up because he has a job outside the home and I dont?-he must have had about 40 hours of sleep over past few days when I have been up half the night either with our toddler or coughing my lungs up!-why does he get to bugger off to bed and I dont?

[CartedOff]

He is being an ass. He obviously knows it if he's doing all of this without speaking to you- avoiding any conversation where it might be pointed out to him or where he might be asked to do his bit.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but if you have had numerous conversations about the fact that he treats you like a slave then either he doesn't care that he's letting you do everything or he thinks that's how it should be. Whatever it is, his behaviour is unacceptable.

[Ashoething]

Yep hecate of course you are right-it is his whole attitude towards me. I asked our eldest dc to ask dh to change toddlers nappy the other night as it was 7pm-toddlers bedtime-and I was still doing homework with other dcs and trying to fill in forms for school,cover their jotters etc-basically run ragged and on the verge of tears. He said NO I am ill and just lay there!

[RarelyAGobshite]

I'd give him a couple of hours rest, then take him up some paracetamol and a coffee and say that in 20 mins you would like to go to bed as you feel rotten.

All nice and polite an sympathetic.

But if he refused to get up I'm afraid I would kick off. Not on that he's allowed to get a rest if you're not.

[pumpkinsweetieMasPudding]

Yanbu, my dh does this when his is il too. When he's ill the universe relvolves around him
Next time you are ill, turn the tables on him thats what i did-lets just say he hasn't been an ill arse since.
Slaving after me made him realise how much i do.

[Ashoething]

That wouldnt work-he would either just refuse to get up or he would get up,bang about and do a lot of pa mutterings under his breath about how hard he works

I am definately not making dinner tonight though. I cook every night and the past 3 nights he has told me to leave it in the microwave,got up at about 8pm,ate it and stomped back to bed without so much as a thank you! well he can fuck right off!! more

[Bejeena]

Well cleaning the house and going to post office are not life or death situations so I just wouldn't do them. School run and playing with the little one different matter of course.

YANBU if you ask me. I know I say this now as only just pregnant but we have agreed that if there days when I am too ill to look after the little one then hubby is going to have to take a day off work short notice, regardless of how stressful a job us your children have to come first.

I think it is fair enough for him to sleep now, let him get a few hours kip. But then make it clear tonight that he has to do the bath and bed routine so you can take it easy.

[pumpkinsweetieMasPudding]

Don't cook, clean, wash up, or do laundry for him in that case!
Blimey he needs a boot up his arse, working or not!

[thebody]

He sounds spoilt. I agree with Realy and would do just that.

Unfortunately if someone is just selfish it's difficult to change them.

He obviously thinks his job is at work and when he's home he's off on a break while you 'don't work' so don't need one.

Do you have friends you could bugger off with for a night or weekend and leave him to cope. If so when you are better could you arrange something for the spring and be away all weekend.

He might understand your job better then.

[RarelyAGobshite]

Well in that case op, I would be putting my shoes on and going to my mums/friends for a bath and a sleep.

He needs to grow up, act his age, be a parent and treat you with some love a d respect.

I'd leave him to sort the kids out and bugger off for a few hours.

Talk it all through once you're both better. No one has "to have, to hold and to be walked all over" in their wedding vows.

[Ashoething]

Ha Bejeena-when I has my 2nd cs I ASKED dh to go back to work after a week as he was making more mess than the dcs and wasnt lifting a finger to help! I firmly blame mil as bil is exactly the same-if not worse-than dh!

I am going to go to bed once have collected dcs from school. I dont care what he does.

[Ashoething]

Yep thats exactly it-as far as he is concerned I dont "work" therefore I dont need a break. Going away for weekend wont work as although he is perfectly happy to look after dcs he would not lift a finger to do anything else-does no housework whatsoever

[LabelsGalore]

Good idea.
I would act as if he wasn't there and do the things you think are important for you and the dcs and forget about him.

TBH, when ill, I have been known to go to bed and leaving the dcs watching TV entertaining themselves whilst I had a nap

[StuntGirl]

Do you live close to your parents? Or have a sympathetic friend who would look after your kids for the day? I'm not much of a kids person but if I had a friend in this situation I'd have her kids for a bloody week if it'd help her.

Your husband is an arse. But I guess you knew that :(

[HecateWhoopass]

It reads to me that he doesn't value you or the contribution you make to the family.

I would be considering letting him enjoy life without your contribution! See how he likes THAT!

[wineandroses]

Ashoething, I am sorry you feel ill and I am sorry that your H is a lazy arse who doesn't give a shit whether you are ill or not.

Was he always lazy or is it just more obvious now that you've got kids?

I find it puzzling that lazy people don't seem to realise how disrespectful it is to their partners to expect them to do everything. Or don't care. Or don't realise that bit by bit their entitled, selfish attitudes destroy the love in the relationship.

I also firmly believe that some people (like your H) will try to get away with whatever you allow them to. It sounds like he doesn't think any of this is his job - it's yours, whether you are ill is irrelevant. Change that - tell him that if he refuses to do his bit at home then you will do nothing for him either. And stick to it. Either things will change or they will get worse (if he decides to be spiteful and tit-for-tat), then you know what to do.

Sometimes, this sort of post may not seem to be the sort of situation that has readers shouting LTB! But frankly, being treated like this would kill me - I would fall out of love very very fast.

[Ashoething]

Thanks for all the replies.its appreciated and i am taking on board the advice.he is still in bed-quelle surprise.have bought dcs a pizza for tea and the selfish twat can sort himself out.i have just made myself a hot toddy with the last of his xmas whisky and intend to have a nice long bath.

[Ashoething]

Update-he has lain in bed all day.just heard me telling dcs dinner was ready and he came downstairs.i could hear him looking in oven and microwave ha ha.asked where his dinner was and i told him i hadnt cooked but he was welcome to the pizza in the freezer.he has stomped back to bed.mwah ha ha.

[RarelyAGobshite]

Made me smile op

Hope you get things sorted between you so everything's a bit more fair, and he starts to appreciate what you do.