to be raging witb my mil...

(47 Posts)
uptherear Thu 24-Jan-13 11:16:10

Just need to vent really but it would help to hear that others would also feel pissed off and Im not just being a stroppy cow

My in laws practically raise my bil's kids. They provide free childcare on tap and bend over backwards to help him and his family who live 5 mins from them.

We live 200 miles away and tbh when we lived near thrm it was no diff. Plus they just about packed for us... Thought it was a great move etc.

Everynow and then it gets me down that they offer us none of said support the others get.

I just texred to say we have a been ill. Oldest been off school a fortnight and with DH working away I am completely down in the dumps and fed up.

Id live to have family nearby just to share tge weihht even for an hour.

Sent long text telling her of all thr sickness etc and asking are they well etc and she sends back 'hope you revcover soon, all fine here'.

Aibu ... Even a little 'wish you were closer so we could help' even if her and I know thats a lie.

BupcakesAndCunting Thu 24-Jan-13 11:20:11

YANBU to feel disheartened and wish for a more sympathetic MIL but...

1. You live 200 miles away. There's not much practical help that your PILs could give, surely?

2. You may be reading too much into a text message? My dad is very curt in text message because he thinks that that is what they are for. Whereas my friends and I will write each other lovely long messages, my dad will write "C U soon love dad" to my massive message grin and my dad is a wordy man. He just doesn't writer long texts!

3. Have you told your PIL how you feel? Maybe they would love you to ring and say "We're struggling a bit. How do you fancy coming up for a week for a visit, we're missing you"

4. Why are you just angry at MIL and not FIL?

Hope you're all better soon.

DawnOfTheDee Thu 24-Jan-13 11:22:21

It sounds like the distance is the issue. You say they did a lot for you when you lived nearer them? That's because they could.

If you want sympathy ring someone up for a chat....a text isn't the right medium to use in this instance.

BupcakesAndCunting Thu 24-Jan-13 11:26:08

I think OP is saying that when they lived nearby the PILs it was no different to now, Dawn... I think.

uptherear Thu 24-Jan-13 11:36:56

When we lived nearby we hardly saw them. They have always favoured the others. From the day the other gc arrived they actually had her from 9-5 each dsy while sil was in bed with mastitis.
If we ring mil cant get off phone quick enough. Its as if house is on fire and she needs to get out.

They are coming to visit nearby for a week soin but they are bring other gc with them and ours wont be invited to stay.

Im just as pissed off with fil but it was mil who texted. He is actually the worst one.

I know not much they can do being far away but some sympathy on the phone doesnt cost. Bottom line is they don't bloody care.

Situation makes me so unhappy. Filled with rage. Makes me feel like a person
Im not iykwim.

So fed up with it.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 24-Jan-13 11:49:35

Are the other kids their daughters children?

Im in that situation, where their daughters children are treated differently to my children (their sons). We all live close by but they have looked after the other gcs every week for the last 12 years. Even when i practically begged for help because i was ill they just said no. I don't ask anymore and after a year or so of not asking they suddenly suggested they could help. Too little too late. I am ok now but when i really needed it they weren't there for me/us.

I don't understand how they can't see how unequal it is when they look after the other gcs every week yet once went nearly 2 years without looking after mine.

It is clear that they think more of their daughter than my partner. Also i think sometimes the daughter does just get more help than the son and his wife. They also seem to resent what a difficult baby my dh was and seem to want to punish him for it. The daughter also always gets her own way, she's very entitled! So i think there can be a lot of reasons.

Patchouli Thu 24-Jan-13 12:50:00

i don't see anything wrong with that reply to a text.
If you wanted deep n meaningful write a letter or something.

You live 200 miles away....what support are you looking for.

YABU being annoyed at that text - I don't understand what more she could have said!

uptherear Thu 24-Jan-13 13:01:14

Fuckadoodle- its my dh's brother but I do often see the situation where the gp's are more involved with daughters family. Not that it makes it ok.

Sounds like you are in a similar situation. Please have huge pat on the back for managing without their help. Its a horrible situation.

Interesting you say your dp was a difficult baby and its almodt like he is being punished for it. This is exactly how it is with us. Dh was the first. Mil will say how he was difficult and difnt like being cuddled etc and how theh didnt really know what they were doing but with the ds's brother it was easy because thry had more experience!! Hardly fair.

In laws bend over backwards for other family. If we so much as ask for a small favour you would think we had asked for the moon and stars. Even as you say, in times of desperation, I have had a simple 'no'.

Wish I had a magic wand.

RubyrooUK Thu 24-Jan-13 13:10:16

I think sometimes when it's not your family, it's possible to read too much into things. Or misunderstand how people think.

For example, my MIL does not live nearby but lives near my BIL. She babysits, cleans for them and so on. My SIL is a SAHM and MIL takes her baby often for a break. My inlaws also help them pay their rent etc so SIL can stay off work as they don't have a big income.

Conversely, when my DS got chicken pox on a week I was personally responsible for running various public events (we both work full time as we need to) and DH was in another country, my mum immediately flew in to help. My MIL was sympathetic but didn't offer to come herself. I was a bit hurt that she couldn't see that we needed help when we have no family nearby and jobs where taking time off is very hard.

But recently we were having a long chat during a visit and MIL said something along the lines of "oh well you and DH don't need our help...you have money and work so hard and you're so good at juggling everything - you can always cope.".

I realised that my mum just automatically offers help all the time. Meanwhile DH's parents WOULD help with money or assistance if asked, but they simply can see clearly the help that BIL/SIL need and not the help that we do. She's right - I do cope and don't ever go to them saying things are tough and I need money and help.

So maybe you need to be more explicit? I've now realised that in always seeming to do well without help, this has backfired sometimes!

uptherear Thu 24-Jan-13 13:11:03

Betty + patch- i know there is not much practical help that can be offered from so far away. Surely all the more reason to make the effort to ring or send more than a two line text. Her gc are ill. She could at least pretend to care. If it were the other gc it would be completely different.

Even a text saying 'oh no what a pity. Wish we were closer so we could help' or 'oh dear, are you managing, is dh away'. Or a phonecall just to even make it look like she gives a flying fig.

We are lucky to get a two line text once a month. They other gc are collected daily from school by them and sleep over twice a week. I mean ffs am I asking too much for them to ring when the children are ill? Really?

catus Thu 24-Jan-13 13:16:38

YANBU, given the situation was the same when you lived close. It must be hard to see favoritism to that extent, no doubt.
But, now you must ask yourself how you deal with it. It's not good for your well-being to live with those feelings, you can't let it get to you too much. Maybe try to accept it is the way it is, and move on? Just put them out of your mind, don't expect anything, live your life.
Also, it must be even more hurtful for your DH, so be there for him.

BelleJolie Thu 24-Jan-13 13:17:23

It's probably not the text that's the problem...if you'd received exactly the same text from someone who you felt was supportive generally, you probably wouldn't bat an eyelid.

It's clear you feel your PILs are unsupportive and the text has just pushed those buttons.

I'm sorry you can't rely on your PILs...it's not nice sad

uptherear Thu 24-Jan-13 13:21:28

Rubyroo- I have tried on a few occasions to talk about the situation. Dh does feel like mil thinks i cope well but sil doesnt. But this is based on my being a hefty type who has had straight forward births with my dc whereas sil is a little size 6 who has had biggish babies and had problems b/feeding.

It feels like Im being punished for the few things that have bern straightforward for me.

We moved to a really rural isolated place for dh job. During the past 6 yrs we have dealt with a miscarriage, a redundancy, unemployment, a mental health break down and the birth of another child. Not once has there been any support. Infact when I went to them and said I was worried about dh and impending job loss and his mental health at that time they couldn't get off phone quick enough. Mentioned in person met with shrugged shoulders 'what can we do, he is a grown man'.

Im just at the end of the line with them.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 24-Jan-13 13:25:41

Im sending a pat on the back your way too grin

We just get the "no" as well. Sometimes a "no we are too busy" when i haven't even specified a day or anything and am just asking in general for at some point in the future when convenient to them. Or they hint that they feel put upon or its too tiring for them, which obviously is fine but its not us doing the putting and tiring! So they help us even less to lift the burden but help the others the same amount. Or my favourite, saying yes then letting us down at the last minute when its too late to find a babysitter or we turn up and they say "so pick the dc up in an hour" when they know we are supposed to be doing something which will take several and an hour is actually no help at all!

Like i say we've stopped asking, i found that after them refusing to help when i was ill (and the children suffered as a result), when we moved house, when i was supposed to be a godmother (changed mine last minute and i didn't make it in time), lost me my job but just not turning up because they went shoe shopping instead . . .

I found that asking and being treated like that was making me ill with the bitterness. Its best just to think of them as distant relatives who aren't that involved in our lives.

Although now I've written about it Im steaming angry again!

catus Thu 24-Jan-13 13:29:28

Reading your last post, I really think you should disengage.
They're clearly unhelpful and not interested when it comes to their son. It's very sad, and downright nasty. But you probably can't change them. So don't make any effort with them. Be polite when you see them, but no more.

Well, I think the issue quite possibly is that you are not mils daughter, you are just the woman who married her son. And if her son is not ensuring the bonds are close, there is not a lot you can do! It seems to me that a dil cannot be close to her inlaws unless the son is close to his parents. But that is just my opinion. Might not work that way.

uptherear Thu 24-Jan-13 13:32:15

Belle+catus- thank you for nice replies. I do feel the situation is what it is. I don't ask for help now because its not worth the let down of being told no.

What is difficult is that they come to visit. Stay in a cottage nearby and bring bil, sil + gc with them. They have done this twice a yr since we moved. First yr I found hard, very rural, isolated location and I had left large support network family and friends behind. Dh worked long hours and Id be at home feeling pretty bored and alone.Id text and ask what are their plans and they would text back 'we are in Xxxx at a cafe having lunch, then off to do xyz. Want to come for tea later'.

So whilst we would see them, we'd spend the evening hearing about their nice day out that we hadnt been invited on. Whilst my day had been spent in house with two small kids trying to keep fire going so we could stay warm. I know this makes me sound like a sad pathetic sympathy seeking cow but it is only with them I feel this way. Life is not easy in many ways for us but on the whole we are lucky. I only start to feel this pathetic hard done to way when they rub my nose in it.

Have you ever told them you would like to join them or come with them so grandchildren can see them and you also spend some time with them?

They might not realize you'd like to come too?

What about your own family?

uptherear Thu 24-Jan-13 13:45:50

Fuckadoodle- i could have written your message. Its a horrible frustrating situation to be in and one I doubt I will ever understand.

Sil + bil have had years of free childcare on tap from two adoring gps. Yet my mil will say to me how sil not enjoying work but she has always liked her own money. Well so would I but i have 3dc to raise and at the moment one is still at preschool. Not many jobs to fit round the 2.5 hr slot. If I could find a job here, which given our location isnt easy, I would have to juggle round dc school/preschool hours. And thrm being poorly. As this current situation shows, when my dc have been ill for nearly two weeks there are no gps waiting in the wings to help out.

Honestly even writing this makes my blood boil. I need to get a grip as it just turns me into this venom spitting horror!

catus Thu 24-Jan-13 13:56:47

OK, so they come to your area but only see you to have dinner at your house? Is this how it goes all the time they're here? Because if that is the case, they're not really coming to visit. They're just holidaying near you and using your house as a restaurant. Which is not on at all!

uptherear Thu 24-Jan-13 13:57:08

Pure- About 3 visits ago i had asked mil if she'd like to come watch dd1 do her dance class. She came but brought sil and other gd who is same age as my dd. Other gd joined i the class and they spent the hour giggling at her attemps. Then they asked me to stop at chip shop on way home, they all got fish n chips and even though my dd was crying to go in when I dropped them at holiday cottage mil just said firmly 'now stop this, i told you you couldnt stay tonight'.
That night dd cried herself to sleep so I asked mil if they could maybe have a day with them (next day) as knew sil/bil were planning a day out just them. She told me fil and her were having a day to themselves. I explained how upset dd was and highlighted that my dc deserve some one to one with them too. This did help a bit as next two visits came alone but relations have been even more strained like they are under duress.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 24-Jan-13 13:58:04

As this current situation shows, when my dc have been ill for nearly two weeks there are no gps waiting in the wings to help out.

sad

I have no family of my own to help so i think that makes it sting that bit more. Is that the same for you?

Is your dh close to them? My inlaws all go on holiday together and things as well without even mentioning it to us. The look on my dhs face the first time . . . sad

RubyrooUK Thu 24-Jan-13 13:59:00

Sorry you've had such a crappy time Uptherear. :-(

I guess you have three options:

1. Tell them explicitly that you would love them to come and visit by themselves to spend time with you, DH and the grandkids. Put aside the past and why things have been a certain way and take steps to change it for the future.

2. Detach from the situation and don't let it bother you. Accept that they think BIL/SIL need more help than you do, even if you disagree.

3. Rage about it some more. :-)

I've decided to do point one from now on. If it doesn't work out, then I will move to point two, knowing I've done my best. I won't do point three anymore as the only person who gets upset is me.

Of course, there are still moments of rage occasionally. There are times I feel irritated that my inlaws fund BIL/SIL so she can stay at home rather than work, while it was without question that I would return to work (as we wouldn't choose to have a lifestyle we couldn't afford). Sometimes in my darker moments I think: "Why should she get to have that life they can't afford and we don't?" But then I remember that I am very proud of how I look after my own family and I can only live my life, not theirs.

uptherear Thu 24-Jan-13 14:00:21

Catus- no dinner at their holiday cottage. They prefer us to go to them as fil likes to be in control. Dinner at 5.

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