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To be envious of people who are happily married

(46 Posts)
Dryjuice25 Thu 24-Jan-13 00:15:31

Because I'm a single mum of three and this will never ever happen to me. My role now is just to be a good mum and I can't say I ever want to get into another relationship. I did want to get married but it never happened.

Dryjuice25 Thu 24-Jan-13 11:25:26

So much heartwarming stories of unexpected happy endings, made me almost emotional.
Sowornout- I meant my nana, sorry. She mellowed in old age but not sure she realises how her influence impacted on those dcs.I also blame my mum though, but she did a good job with me and my brothers.
Nightswimmer- that is mightly inspiring, wow. No wonder you swim at night!!

I suppose I have to keep positive and think in terms of how these dcs will not stay kids forever.

Did you ladies have to be successful at all career wise? I think it takes a saint to financially support kids that are not theirs. I'm not sure where I am going career wise and I'm thinking I'm already failing myself. It's so hard to know what to do re jobs with progression prospects that are also child friendly.

stormforce10 Thu 24-Jan-13 11:31:30

My mum was a single mum of 3. When I was 8 she met a man who she went on to marry and had 20 very happy years with. Sadly he died of a terminal disease when I was 29 sad

Dryjuice25 Thu 24-Jan-13 11:41:23

Storm- sorry about your stepdad. He sounds like such a lovely guy. Sad for your mum too.

Chunderella Thu 24-Jan-13 11:57:47

Yanbu to be envious of people who have a desirable thing that you don't have. Marriage isn't for everyone but it's a wonderful thing when it works. Yabu to assume it would never happen to you, though.

Also are you necessarily looking for marriage, or would a stable relationship suffice? There might be people out there who would suit you well but for whatever reason don't want to get married. I'm not saying this means you ought to give up on your hopes of marriage, but if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to be aware that this might be ruling otherwise great partners out.

Dryjuice25 Thu 24-Jan-13 12:04:40

Chunderella, you raise a good point. I think I crave the companionship, which I have never experienced as my relationships didn't live up to the standard I expected. I suppose, silly as it sounds, I always dreamt of getting married, with the wedding being just a rite of passage.

At 34 I realise that this is just a disney fantasy and I am raising my girls now not to expect the knight in shining armour to come to their rescue but to know that sometimes the happy ever after might not happen although it might happen to the lucky few.

Dry That thought that kids grow up made me put a bit of effort into my career - I got five promotions in the five years I was a single Mum. And they were always really supportive of me being a mother first. Honestly, if you're in the right company and doing a good job I do think, if you've got a good manager, they provide you with a bit of flexibility.

I was 35 when I met my DH - he had two boys, I had one boy - it was completely unexpected. I had made my peace with being alone and was, on the whole, happy. Then I caught the dude in the next desk looking at my ass as I went to buy a sandwich! Five years on we're married with a 3YO son and the six of us are happy together and I've changed my job again!

If you think you're failing yourself with your career that's as good place as any to getting things in order.

Angelfootprints Thu 24-Jan-13 12:39:04

34 is still so young.

Im in my late 20s and most people I know wouldn't dream of marrying yet! I think these days men especially are waiting until their 30s.

MoodyDidIt Thu 24-Jan-13 12:46:05

you will

just be the best mum you can, concentrate on your life, ie, friends, work, family etc and eventually someone will come along

(and any man who is put off cos you have dc is not worth it anyway)

My mam is on holiday for her third wedding anniversary at the moment.

She's 53.

Seriously, you have time! And for what it's worth I completely adore my stepfather - I was all grown up and moved out when they got together but he's my dad in all but name and biology.

You sound like a wonderful mum and I applaud you for raising your daughters without the "Some Day My Prince Will Come" trope; I think it's far healthier to teach them to stand on their own and if a man/woman comes along to sweep them off their feet, then how lovely. But they don't need someone else to give them identity or self-worth.

From a practical point of view for career prospects, google Women Like Us - they have a very good website and I think they do workshops too with discounts if you can't afford their fees.

Chunderella Thu 24-Jan-13 14:20:16

Dryjuice I don't think wanting companionship means you're hankering after a Disney fantasy or wanting to be rescued, not at all. You probably know that being married doesn't automatically equate to companionship, or that being unmarried means you have to do without it.

If you're looking to meet someone and you've met all the people your circumstances are likely to bring you into contact with, have you thought about internet dating? I know there are horror stories but there are also plenty of people out there who met DPs and DHs that way. There are other ways of meeting new people like evening classes or a new hobby, but I'm guessing that as a single parent of three, you may not have the spare time to devote to them.

Oh and regarding the DC, they don't necessarily put men off. There are some who are happy about it. My cousin is in his mid 40s, childless divorcee. He likes kids but felt he was a bit long in the tooth to have his own by now, didn't have the energy for sleepless nights. So he was particularly pleased, when he met his new partner, that she had a couple of older ones of her own. They all get on very well and the partnership is going strong two years in. Or you might meet someone with, say, a DC who he sees on Sundays, who'd prefer to partner with another parent so she'll understand his situation better and not get upset that he can't whisk her off on romantic weekends at short notice.

LaQueen Thu 24-Jan-13 14:26:02

OP my Mum's great aunt was happily married for 30 years, then was widowed quite young at 51...she was a widow for 30 years and then remarried at 80 shock

They were very, very happy together - although because of their great ages, they were only together for 5 years, but she said they were among the best 5 years of her life smile

AlwaysWantingMore Thu 24-Jan-13 14:44:50

34 is still very young OP! Plenty of time to have a significant relationship.

Remember a few things

1) even 'happy' marriages can be hard work at times. Since getting married we've really had our ups and downs and at times I've wondered if I ever should have got married at all etc (I got married early 20's!) I'm pretty sure throughout all those downs and rocky patches we looked like a 'Disney couple' smiling away at friends weddings, going on holiday together etc. I'm glad to report we are still together and happy wink

2) you have 3 lovely children. One of the major stresses in our marriage has been difficulty conceiving. We still haven't managed it, and my dream is to have 3 or 4 kids one day.

I hope you meet your Prince Charming grin

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 24-Jan-13 14:57:04

OP I understand, I'm envious to.

But I'd never settle again for second best/being treated like shit just to have a relationship. Being lonely isn't a good place to be in. I always think my whole life is still ahead of me and there's still time. Most people I know who married in their 20s were divorced by their 30s and then it seems (IMO and life) its the second marriages that seem to work out better and forever.

I'm starting this year to be more busy, do more things with the dc and my friends and less of MN and feeling lonely.

I do get pangs though when women I work with have their husbands drop them to work because of the snow or de ice their cars blabla does make me wish...

deleted203 Thu 24-Jan-13 16:24:48

Successful career wise? Hmmm. Nope. I was a barmaid and cleaner when I met him doing three part time jobs to keep a roof over our head (although I did have a degree). He supported me through a year's teacher training and I worked full time then for about 4 years til we had DCs together. He was then happy to keep me as a SAHM for 5 years til DCs went to school and now I supply teach as and when it fits in with kids or if I can get work. In all our years together ex has NEVER paid any maintenance and so lovely DH has cheerfully worked 14 hr days on a building site to pay for ALL our kids. Eldest 3 love him to bits and although they see their own dad the girls say that StepDad will be the one walking them down the aisle when it comes to it. He has never, ever complained at going from being a single man with no ties to supporting 5, 6, then 7 of us pretty much single handed at times. He is pretty saintly when I think about it grin. But like Brandysaid - I was never, ever going to settle for a shit relationship again. You needed to be a saint to take me on! I did once ask him 'Do you ever wish I'd not had kids when you met me?' and he said 'Never. They were a bonus'. Which was pretty lovely.

Pigsmummy Thu 24-Jan-13 17:20:20

My Mum left the family home for her now husband, leaving two confused children behind (me and my sister) fast forward 29 years later me and my sister are both married with children, we vow to be a better mum to our children than she was and incredibly we have a relationship with our Mum and Step Dad. Don't let the behaviour of others hold you back. Enjoy being a great Mum but get a babysitter once in a while and get out there!

IfNotNowThenWhen Thu 24-Jan-13 17:26:29

I like the stories on here!
I get you OP. I feel a bit like proper grown up relationships are for other people, not for me (having been single mum for more than 6 years).
I recently had a bit of a pregnancy scare (a guy I had a brief thing with who went back to his ex) and while I was VERY relieved I wasn't pregnant, it also made me realise that if I don't meet a decent bloke soon I will probably not ever have another child.
I hadn't really worried about it until last week, but now all I can think is that I want marriage and babies! (Ha ha-that won't scare the men off at all, right?)

Having said that, the chances of me meeting a man who already has his own kids is high, and in some ways that is good because you get to see what kind of father a man is, and how he treats his ex. And maybe I would be happy with getting step-kids instead of my own, I don't know.
Anyway, as someone in a similar boat I am rooting for us both!

Dryjuice25 Sat 26-Jan-13 01:32:59

Hi all. Such incredibly inspiring stories.
Teamakesitall-You did well with your career. I'm inspired to want to do more with mine and to continue to be driven.
Commander- Thanks.I will google that website. Can't wait.
Laqueen-I have just wiped a tear from that. Very moving yet so heartwarming that people do find each other at any stage of this life.
Alwayswantingmore- Such encouragement from you. Good luck with your hopes of starting a family. Keep positive
Inneedofbrandy- You are spot-on. It's nice to know that you have someone to share life with. But like you, I'd never settle for below par partnership. I find that quite empowering lol
Sowornout- He really is saintlike. You are one lucky woman. Shame those are few and far between.
Pigsmummy- That strikes a code with my experience. And I totally get the advice, totally.
Ifnotnowthenwhen- Don't worry. I'm sure it will happen for you too. I am rooting for you too. Feeling so positive now with all the generous posts from Mumsnetters sharing their experiences and those of loved ones.

I have never dated on line and I have an acute/unreasonable fear of online dating. Odd I know but even signing up on websites like facebook throws me into a panic. Not sure what's wrong with me!

Chunderella Sat 26-Jan-13 15:38:03

Fair enough, if you're scared you're scared. Obviously you always have to be careful with safety when you're meeting someone from the internet. When my friend did it, she always arranged to meet the new bloke in a bar and have some friends sitting in the corner keeping an eye on things. I wonder if it would help you to read about others who've found partners online, though?

Dryjuice25 Sat 26-Jan-13 17:51:49

I had a bad experience with a stalker I met on lonely ads local paper years ago, I guess thats why I'm like this. I probably just need to get over it and move on lol

Chunderella Sat 26-Jan-13 23:27:50

I can see why that left you feeling wary of blind dates, then. It probably would help if you could just 'get over it and move on' but that's a lot easier said than done isn't it?

Dryjuice25 Sun 27-Jan-13 00:54:45

Chunderella, lovely nickname by the way.
Yes not easy as it was quite scary at the time and I was on the verge of calling the police before it stopped. I didn't have kids then and I keep thinking how utterly terrifying it would be to experience that when one has kids.
I know that was years ago and it probably wont happen again. I did take all precautions like meeting in a public place, informing someone about the date etc. But the twat refused rejection and put me through hell. Looking back, I doubt whether he really was of a sound mind Hopefully, this was just a one-off. I have heard of lovely stories of people meeting on the web etc

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