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AIBU to not want to feel like rubbish parent because of health staff who've barely - if ever - seen my children

(74 Posts)
charitymum Wed 23-Jan-13 19:56:22

Had bit if torrid time last month or so. Could be worse I know but 13 yr old DD had shingles; 10 yr old broke her leg at school; 22 month old - well just nearly two and 6 month old on and of hospital with viral wheeze.

School nurse - who I've never seen at school - called to tell me she had to so an assessment on 10 yr old as she in a and e so much. I understand-I run a children's charity I get it. But when I suggested I was happy with DD development etc. she became demanding that I do assessment and said it was not normal for child to hurt themselves so much and it probably meant she had coordination probs or 'something else' going on.

When DP took her to minor injuries he was made to feel like crisp because he was not dad and they asked 6 times why I wasn't there. Likewise when he took our DS into hospital and I stayed at home with other 3 all they could ask was where is mum?

When I was in with DS last week nurse got angry because I refused to fill in form that checks for child protection because I was looking after wheezy son and because nothing on it was relevant to his care. She became obsessed with how many dads there were to my children and whether I had social worker.

Now final straw health visitor has called - same day so feeling paranoid - to say hospital said DS is obese and they would like to check him.

Like I say I get the need for checks but I am an educated, national expert in education and child development, who has four thriving kids who neither school or GPs have any concerns over.

Now I feel like total failed mum because people who don't know kids have sat in judgement.

charitymum Wed 23-Jan-13 19:58:48

Forgive typos one handed typing while breast feeding my obese baby and 22 month old terror

He felt crap in minor injuries - not a crisp!!!!

KatyTheCleaningLady Wed 23-Jan-13 20:02:40

YANBU to feel a bit paranoid and annoyed.

But, they're only doing their job. After cases like Baby P, they have to check everything out.

Could the "DS is obese" thing be a cover to try and get you to bring him in so they can check nosey into other things?
If you were what they seem to think you are - struggling, many partners, not capable of good decision making, and everything else they've implied, it would be a way of perhaps engaging with you.
If you were a victim of DV or struggling, then it could be a way for them to contact you and offer help iykwim.
Unless you go and spell out to them though, that you are qualified in your area of expertise, and know what's what, and explain every incident and so on, they will keep on at you - they daren't not. If something later happened to one of your DCs and it came out that they'd had concerns and not acted, there would be hell to pay. After the Baby P and Victoria Climbie cases, they just can't afford to take chances anymore, and really, it's understandable why not.
I expect you ould have it all sorted out in a few minutes once you explain everything and they realise you know what you're on about.

SCOTCHandWRY Wed 23-Jan-13 20:08:24

Well, you do know refusing to fill in the form would have been big red flag, don't you?

I think you need to bend over backwards to show how reasonable and co-operative you are, and remain calm at all times.

Is your 10yo very active or dare-devil? It is probably a good thing in some ways that the broken leg happened at school. Has the 10 yo had an unusual number of broken bones?

charitymum Wed 23-Jan-13 20:09:20

Am sympathetic trouble is evidence suggests that this form filling and tick box approach having negative effect. Preventing parents taking children in and thinking all ok because box ticked. I am predisposed to support health care staff but even I'm more nervous about taking them in again.

MammaTJ Wed 23-Jan-13 20:11:40

I prefered the idea of him feeling crisp tbh!

They have to check, you know that, but it does make you feel bad. I have been reported to SS basically because I fell out with a so called friend. They came, they investigated, they left and wrote me a lovely letter confirming mine and DPs parenting was actually quite good and not neglectful.

My attitude is and has to be to cope 'They are only doing their job, checking me means they are also checking up on the really at risk children'. I have been reported to the RSPCA too. Bring it on! I look after my DC and my dog and no amount of checking will get them removed from me.

Just go with it, let them check you because resisting means to them you have something to hide.

dixiechick1975 Wed 23-Jan-13 20:11:58

On a practical level if dp isn't the dad they will need you or dad with parental responsibility to consent to treatment.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 23-Jan-13 20:12:27

How would it have had a negative effect if you had filled in the form though? It does sound a bit like you were being awkward.

catgirl1976 England Wed 23-Jan-13 20:12:33

YANBU

This would annoy me too.

But just let them do the checks and do your fuming on here

TheBrideofMucky Wed 23-Jan-13 20:13:55

I hate this kind of thing. Ds managed to burn himself once in an accident at home and questions were asked. Obviously they were happy with the answers, it was a genuine accident and we are a perfectly nice, educated, functional family grin but it put the fear of God into me and I ended up developing crippling anxiety thinking that my children would be taken away, was paranoid about health workers and really quite ill for such a long time afterwards. You understand why they have to check these things but it really was Not A Good Thing for my family.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 23-Jan-13 20:15:14

If you have nothing to worry about then just fill out the forms OP. I don't really understand why you're getting so upset about it all.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 23-Jan-13 20:15:17

I had a call from hv after one of my children had a little accident. It wasn't a big deal, i just chatted to them and that was that.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 23-Jan-13 20:15:55

On a practical level if dp isn't the dad they will need you or dad with parental responsibility to consent to treatment.

I wondered about that too.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 23-Jan-13 20:16:41

Why on earth would you think that your kids would be taken away from you BrideofMucky? Your problem maybe?

Hegsy Wed 23-Jan-13 20:17:53

YANBU but just let them to what they want to do everything will be fine. No point getting into debates about it especially when you know you've nothing to hide

WorraLiberty England Wed 23-Jan-13 20:19:03

Like I say I get the need for checks but I am an educated, national expert in education and child development, who has four thriving kids who neither school or GPs have any concerns over

Oh dear...what does your 'national expertise' have to do with anything here?

Has your DP got parental responsibility for the child he took to hospital?

Why is your 10yr old in A&E so much?

Is your other child obese or not?

Why are you so lax about form filling when you'll know all about red flags?

charitymum Wed 23-Jan-13 20:21:16

I know I need to talk it through with them. But I see daily how system fails kids and this form filling approach is why. Frustrating.

10 year old plays cricket for and swims for county. Does outdoor pursuits at guides and just started triathlons. First broken bone but lots of sprains - all at school or clubs.

2 partners in 30 years.

4 thriving children by any measures and good relationships with school. Happy to access professional support as needed with good relationship with GP who actually wrote on 10 year olds form for referral for second x ray (hospital missed it in first but I was not happy-was right) "regular attender/sporty child/no concerns"

Obese son breasted with occasional bottles and over 99.6 centile for height and weight and head.

Like I say I'm sympathetic to the individuals but the system is flawed.

Narked Wed 23-Jan-13 20:22:29

'When I was in with DS last week nurse got angry because I refused to fill in form that checks for child protection because I was looking after wheezy son and because nothing on it was relevant to his care. She became obsessed with how many dads there were to my children and whether I had social worker.'

All you're doing is raising red flags.

Jomato Wed 23-Jan-13 20:23:35

I wouldn't say that you are wrong about the box ticking approach to things but the way to address that isn't to refuse to do it, that just raises concerns and stops you from making your point. With your own professional experience you should be able to recognise that people are just doing their jobs and that you should try not to take it so personally.

florry88 Wed 23-Jan-13 20:24:22

yip, kind of had similar experience. Please just go along with what they want to do, I know its annoying but I know from experience kicking up a fuss makes things worse. I completly get where you are coming from, best of luck

MrsMushroom Wed 23-Jan-13 20:26:57

i relate to the "Where's Mum" thing at hospital. My DD2 had to have a lot of heart monitoring and when she was brand new they were going to hook her up to an ECg thing and I said I wanted to wait outside the cubicle whilst DH went in...they went shock

Like DH was a shite option.

I couldn't bear to see her on the machine that was all. She was a day old and I was still in shock.

OP you need to speak to every health pro who wants to...and fill in the forms. Just nod and smile.

aliasjoey Wed 23-Jan-13 20:28:49

Not sure why you refused to fill out the form as that will just make it worse.

And it is irrelevant that you are an 'educated, national expert'. There are plenty of cases where abuse is carried out by educated people (not accusing you of abuse, just saying they are not assesing risk based solely on your IQ level)

cory Wed 23-Jan-13 20:30:32

Wanting to health assess a child with frequent accidents isn't necessarily a criticism. It took us 7 years to find out that dd's frequent falls were caused by a connective tissue disorder. If she had had appropriate treatment earlier, she wouldn't have spent most of her pre-teens in a wheelchair. Nothing to do with my parenting, but very much worth checking out.

The "where's mum" is crap though.

Lovecat Wed 23-Jan-13 20:34:32

School nurses aren't (generally) based at schools so you wouldn't have seen them, they just cover health concerns for over 5's (HVs for under 5's) and are part of providing a joined up service.

Because of Victoria Climbie's 'aunt' lying and saying she was attending school every time she was taken into A&E, and nobody bothering checking up but instead assuming that the school would keep an eye on things, the Laming Report recommended that details of every child attendance at A&E be copied to either the School Nurse or the HV, who will then decide whether it needs taking further or not. Usually just a phone call, as others have said. Repeated admissions to A&E are taken into consideration, as are refusals to fill in forms (why on earth would you refuse to do that?).

I'm not sure what you think is flawed with the system - just because you know that there isn't a problem doesn't mean they do - they're not psychic!

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