to be furious with my DD? I no longer want her living in my house.

(45 Posts)
EndofARainbow Wed 23-Jan-13 03:35:33

My DD(24) is currently doing a higher education college course, she is in her second and final year.

Before that she did two years at a different college and then moved away to uni and promptly gave up after her first year - mainly her boyfriend l(who was also at the same uni) eft her and she came back living at home for the summer (doing nothing but sit in the room on her computer) and then started this course.

I don't even know where to start!

She almost quit this course because her ex boyfriend got back in touch with her and told her he would stay in the army (he wanted to quit after a week) if she would quit her course! She actually considered it. He is away training and would only see her at weekends anyway so what difference does it make to him what she does in the week.

She had made one friend in college, and decided to write a comment moaning about said friend over twitter not thinking the friend would see - but of course she did. Friend who is 19 texts her to say she no longer wants to be friends. My DD then complains that this girl has turned everyone in the class against her when I know for a fact the ex-friend hangs out with a group of girls who are welcoming to my DD too because I've seen the nice Facebook comment they leave her. My DD just likes to play the blame game.

Since then she hasn't really bothered going into college.

Last week she told me that someone had hacked into her bank account and taken all her money (student loan). She then realises that actually this never happened but it was her that spent all the money - on bloody ridiculous stuff like a new guitar, dvds, cds. Now she has no money to get into college!! (she travels by train)

She managed to get into college this week and had a meeting with her tutor to explain the circumstances and apply for an emergency loan. Of course this loan was refused and now she is blaming the college for not giving her more money and then moaning about her attendance.

I can't even speak to her anymore. She thinks I am being unfair.

I really am quite close to kicking her out.


juneybean Thu 24-Jan-13 19:53:45

Didn't realise we had to be living on our own as soon as we became adults.

KitchenandJumble Thu 24-Jan-13 19:27:51

I don't actually see why she shouldn't be living on her own. She's 24, not 14. She may mature tremendously once she is taking responsibility for herself. If she quits her course, I would certainly tell her that I couldn't continue to support her financially. I would encourage her to find a job and a living arrangement that she can afford. Obviously, she may need a bit of time to do that, given economic conditions, the need to save for a deposit, etc. But I would probably sit down with her and set a deadline for when she will move out.

If you decide to let her stay with you, I'd also set some ground rules. I'd tell her that she must make a good faith effort to find a part-time job if she remains in education. And then she must contribute financially to the household. I would also insist she take on her fair share of the housework. And I don't mean what I'd expect of a teenager (i.e., keep your room tidy, empty the dishwasher, etc.). I mean that as an adult, she should be responsible for fully half the household chores, if she is one of two adults living in the house.

I would also step back completely from any involvement in her friendships, Facebook, Twitter. That side of things should be her own concern, not yours.

Are you worried about her? Does she seem to lack motivation? Does she suffer from low self-esteem? Her father sounds like an absolute ass. I can imagine that might have affected her very negatively. But I don't think that allowing her to behave like an aimless teenager is doing her any favours. Self-esteem grows from our accomplishments, so I'd encourage her to accomplish things, finish her course, begin a career, take responsibility for herself.

Goldenbear Thu 24-Jan-13 18:45:27

I disagree with the 'tough love' stance, doesn't sound like you are exactly doing much to help her out of this rut now, I would imagine this would make her feel more isolated and more stuck. Give her some guidance rather than getting frustrated with her.

My Mum and Dad have both made life easier for me than it had to be and I can't say it's been a disadvantage atall. I don't believe helping your adult children has anything to do with preparation for 'real life'.

Angelfootprints Thu 24-Jan-13 13:42:46

What direction are you giving her then op? Have you sat down with an action plan?

Gone for a coffee to pass on your advice and have a heart to heart?

Told her you love her unconditionally?

Told her you believe in her and see the potential?

HungryHippo89 Thu 24-Jan-13 13:03:54

Why does somebody always have to suggest a counsellor ...
Further Education is obviously not the way forward for her as she can't make her mind up about what course to do. While she is still at home she should take advantage of the fact and go and be an apprentice and earn while she learns. Or just get a job like the majority of 24 year olds.
I have lived in my own house since I was 18 - I am now 23. I do everything for myself - Maybe you are making it to much of an easy ride for her and i don't think she will appreciate you for it when she gets into the real world.
As for that boyfriend of hers - He sounds like a cock. And maybe she would do best to forget about him as he clearly doesn't want her to make anything of her self. What a prick.
Bit of tough love is what I think is needed here.

Nanny0gg Thu 24-Jan-13 11:20:22

Does anyone in her life want this poor girl?
Doesn't seem like it...

Lavenderhoney Thu 24-Jan-13 09:50:42

Sounds to me that higher education is not what she really wants. What is she really interested in? The old adage of think what you like doing and make a job of it might help. Even if it's ironing? Plenty of well paid hourly work for a good cleaner, and you can build a business out of it. I do nt suggest yet another course. What does she like doing? Could she go to car boots and sell forward on eBay? Is she creative and make jewellery? Does she like water sports and could get a job helping then see what comes up? She might have to set a goal of non paid to get in then paid work after 3 months. Plenty of bar jobs or waitressing in the evening to get some cash and pay the bills.

Stay out of the mates stuff- its taking up space in her thinking where she shold be thinking of where she wants to go. She is worrying about that as an escape from reality of her situation.

A really nice book is " what colour is my parachute" - do it together and see what happenssmile

Don't kick her out- she needs you.

MusicalEndorphins Thu 24-Jan-13 09:39:29

She needs your guidance. They can drive you bonkers at times, but I would not kick her out. She'd have to do something productive with her time though, if not school then work. If you really do want her out, then give her some notice.
Good luck.

Chottie Thu 24-Jan-13 04:07:44

Tryharder I like the 'youth / West African' view too. It sounds so caring and supportive. Going slightly off post and thinking about it, my parents were always around to me advice and help (although I was an adult, married at 19, two DC by the time I was 25). And I try to be available in the same way for my DC.

OP I hope you come back and respond to the views of the MNters.

OhMerGerd Wed 23-Jan-13 22:31:37

["Incidentally, my DH is West African and in his country, people are classed as 'youths' to be helped and advised well into their 30s. It's only here where you are seen as an adult the day after your 18th birthday and thus left to your own devices."]

I like this from tryharder.

Tryharder Wed 23-Jan-13 11:12:36

Your poor DD. I was very immature in my 20s so can sympathised. I had more responsibility than she has but times were different then.

I disagree with posters who are advising you to let her make her own mistakes. At that age, it would have helped me if my parents had sat me down and basically told me what to do. I ended up making shocking mistakes in my 20s which impacted my life very negatively. I know some lucky people are very, very 'sorted' from an early age as can be seen by some of the examples on here but a lot of people flounder through the 20s.

Incidentally, my DH is West African and in his country, people are classed as 'youths' to be helped and advised well into their 30s. It's only here where you are seen as an adult the day after your 18th birthday and thus left to your own devices.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 23-Jan-13 11:10:00

In my opinion she's made a commitment to her college course and she should see it through. Everyone is entitled to make a mistake but this is not the first course that she's dropped out of. The jobs market is very bad anyway but will be a whole lot worse if her adult life's experience is summed up as "quit 3 courses, no work experience". I would expect her to attend college as a condition of living in my home, except perhaps if she does get offered a full time job.

CarnivorousPanda Wed 23-Jan-13 11:02:52

She does sound very immature. She also sounds very unhappy. For her father to reject her so completely is appalling.

Again, can you talk to her about this somewhere neutral and tell her how worried you are. Do you think she would see a counsellor?

you must be at the end of your tether, but i think asking her to leave when she is in this vulnerable state could backfire.

Agree she needs a job -problem is, not many about.

Goldenbear Wed 23-Jan-13 10:54:06

I don't think you should kick her out and I don't think it's anything to do with spoiling her. I think it is a generational thing, children being infantilised a lot longer, you only have to read Mumsnet to get the impression that older teenagers are being treated like young children- parents involvement in their lives is both expected and given. My Dad works with people who have their children still at home in their early 20's and they are frustrated by the situation. However, the job situation is very, very hard compared to when I was leaving university (I'm 35) and employers are exploiting that. Given that is the situation I really would help her get to grips with the situation- she's 24 but you're still her mother and her Father has abandoned her- he sounds like an idiot!

MrsHoarder Wed 23-Jan-13 10:14:21

24 isn't the new 16: I'm barely past that and was married with a job then. She does need to start taking responsibility for herself, but probably not being kicked out. Can you ask her for rent, and offer to help her with managing her finances?

She does need a job, she probably also needs to return anything she bought which hasn't been opened yet and ebay some stuff. There is always a way.

And have you discussed thing like controlling relationships, abuse etc with her? Because wanting her to quit her course sounds like an unhealthy relationship to e. Unless of course it is her excuse for quitting.

As for her friends, leave her to it. She's well past the age where you should interfere in her friendships. She's been silly and will have to get through the tough part.

fromparistoberlin Wed 23-Jan-13 10:02:05

you cant kick hr out, she is having a major slump and has got herself into quite a pickle

bullying bf
mean friends
money problems

the last thing she needs is you kicking her out! I am sure its NOT EASY but try and take a step back here and see if you need to (pay for?) some outside support, or wait till this rides itself out

and agree, say OK get bloody job. a McJob will get her back to school fast I suspect

and when I was 24 I was fucking about, its the new 16 IMO!

pictish Wed 23-Jan-13 10:01:14

She sounds immature.
I was immature at 24 as well....couldn't knuckle down and focus on anything at all. I went from shit job to shit job and was completely irresponsible, even though I had left home at 18. I made the rent, but nothing else, and was constantly chasing my tail and being very very stressed out about having no money, even though it was my own fault because I had spent it on going clubbing and other needless crap.

It wasn't until ds1 came along when I was 26 that I was able to ground myself. I was happy to fuck myself up, but never my child who relied on me.

I'm not suggesting your dd should have a baby (fuck no!) - I'm just saying that it sometimes takes a little longer for some of us to face up to being an adult. Sounds like your dd is winging it and is confused and without focus. Her stupid boyf isn't helping matters either - I don't understand why he wants her to quit her course...he's blackmailing her. What an asshole. The first step she should take is to ditch his sorry arse.

I can understand your frustration.

Whether she's found her direction or not, at 24 she should be able to act responsibly and stop putting the blame elsewhere! She's also got to be very careful about that loan because if she drops out they'll want that money back immediately and will try taking her to court for it voice of experience, paying back my own loan I blew when I was 18 still five years later

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 23-Jan-13 09:52:43

I think you are over-invested in your adult daughter's day to day life. That's probably because she lives with you. I would say tell her that if she goes to her college and knuckles down to her work then she can stay in your home. If she leaves college then she'll also have to move out as you are not prepared to effectively subsidise her life when she isn't serious about the courses she enrols for.

Callycat Wed 23-Jan-13 08:51:29

I think marriedinwhite is right; she may just not be sure of her direction yet, and a few years at work will clear her mind. It worked for me, anyway.

People mature at different rates: sheesh, I have relatives who still act like this in their 40s. Your daughter still has time to fix things, but if you give up on her you may damage her self-respect permanently.

Hyperballad Wed 23-Jan-13 08:50:39

I take it that was sarcasm Bored?

Sorry if that sounded boastful, it really wasn't I just wanted to put my views in perspective.

I'm now a newly single mum, currently living on benefits, I take it you will now take back my gold star Bored?

marriedinwhite Wed 23-Jan-13 08:36:35

I too think this sounds sad. Why did the boyfriend want her to leave college so much? She's on her third course - does she actually enjoy studying? What are her ultimate aims? She sounds very young for her age and as though she needs emotional and practical support.

Is she perhaps the sort of girl who would be better off at work for a few years - even if it is in M&S or one of the supermarkets. That would give her structure and firm boundaries as well as the socialisation work brings from mixing with people of different ages who have seen a little more of life.

boredSAHMof4 Wed 23-Jan-13 08:35:41

well good for you Hyperballad Have a gold star!

Callycat Wed 23-Jan-13 08:34:53

Seriously? When I read your title I thought you were going to say that she was violent, or stealing, or using drugs in your house. What you actually describe is annoying, sure, but not THAT big a deal.

I was a lot like this when I was 19, which is maybe why I'm a bit shocked at your level of fury. Don't write her off over a bit of immaturity: she sounds pretty unsure of herself already. She needs guidance, not you to chuck the towel in.


Hyperballad Wed 23-Jan-13 08:31:46

(btw at 24 I had ran my own business for 2 years, was employing 7 people, own house and had paid my own way since the age of 18, so i don't have my opinion because I'm the same as your daughter!)

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