to be furious with my DD? I no longer want her living in my house.

(45 Posts)
EndofARainbow Wed 23-Jan-13 03:35:33

My DD(24) is currently doing a higher education college course, she is in her second and final year.

Before that she did two years at a different college and then moved away to uni and promptly gave up after her first year - mainly her boyfriend l(who was also at the same uni) eft her and she came back living at home for the summer (doing nothing but sit in the room on her computer) and then started this course.

I don't even know where to start!

She almost quit this course because her ex boyfriend got back in touch with her and told her he would stay in the army (he wanted to quit after a week) if she would quit her course! She actually considered it. He is away training and would only see her at weekends anyway so what difference does it make to him what she does in the week.

She had made one friend in college, and decided to write a comment moaning about said friend over twitter not thinking the friend would see - but of course she did. Friend who is 19 texts her to say she no longer wants to be friends. My DD then complains that this girl has turned everyone in the class against her when I know for a fact the ex-friend hangs out with a group of girls who are welcoming to my DD too because I've seen the nice Facebook comment they leave her. My DD just likes to play the blame game.

Since then she hasn't really bothered going into college.

Last week she told me that someone had hacked into her bank account and taken all her money (student loan). She then realises that actually this never happened but it was her that spent all the money - on bloody ridiculous stuff like a new guitar, dvds, cds. Now she has no money to get into college!! (she travels by train)

She managed to get into college this week and had a meeting with her tutor to explain the circumstances and apply for an emergency loan. Of course this loan was refused and now she is blaming the college for not giving her more money and then moaning about her attendance.

I can't even speak to her anymore. She thinks I am being unfair.

I really am quite close to kicking her out.

Aibu?

NatashaBee Wed 23-Jan-13 03:42:51

YANBU to want to kick her out. But If you do actually kick her out, where would she go?

deleted203 Wed 23-Jan-13 03:43:20

No, YANBU. She's an adult behaving like a child. Without wishing to be mean, is it a case of you reap what you sow? Is she perhaps spoiled, self centred, childish and whiney because you've let her get away with it for so long? I'd probably be telling her sharply to stop moaning, grow up and sort herself out or she'd be out on her ear.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 23-Jan-13 03:43:42

Obviously, if you no longer want to live with her, you don't have to. But:

None of your examples seem to have anything to do with the relationship between you and her. Does she pay board? Do housework? Keep a civil tongue? Then what on earth is it to do with you if she tweets about one friend to another, or her friends say nice things on Facebook? She's TWENTY FOUR, why are you involved in this at all?

Likewise, I can see why you don't want her to quit her course to follow her ex-boyfriend, but SHE'S TWENTY FOUR.

If her money management skills are so bad that she's also not paying her way in your house, that's worth raising with her. If she's an unpleasant housemate, raise that with her. If you already have, and what's going on behind your post is that you feel she isn't respecting your house, then by all means, "kick her out". But you need to look at the right reasons. Facebook politics and relationship mistakes are her business, and you need to back the hell out of her personal business. SHE'S TWENTY FOUR.

Chottie Wed 23-Jan-13 03:51:53

My goodness, you are really going through it at the moment!

Your daughter sounds very immature, regarding all the different courses she has enrolled on, are they really what she wants to do? or are they something she has just drifted into? If she was really enjoying the course, she would want to attend.

IMO I think she needs a reality check. Does she have any sort of part time work? I realise it's not so easy ATM, but I used to insist that both my children had a job, it focussed their mind wonderfully on their studies and why they needed to complete the course and achieve the qualification. I'm not sure whether your D has ever had a job and has gone back to studying?

I think you need to sit down and sort out some ground rules with her. Could you go out to a neutral place i.e. coffee shop, sit down and really find out what is going on? Explain that student loans are not a freebie to treat herself, but intended to support her during her studies. If she keeps missing college, will she be taken off the course? Can you work out a budget with her?

Is there anyone else who could talk to her? would she listen to her Dad? Hang on in there, I can feel the despair in your post. To end on a more positive note your D is still young, she has time to change her life. I know lots of young people who went through a difficult time and came out the other side ok.

EndofARainbow Wed 23-Jan-13 03:53:20

I'm involved because she wasn't going to college and I asked her why and the whole story came out about some terrible girl turning people against her etc.

Quit her course to follow her ex-boyfriend?? I'm not sure what you mean ... her and her boyfriend broke up left uni and both now live in the same town (they dated before going to uni, went to the same school). After the break up she decided to enrol in this college course, and he decided to go into the army. They then got back together before he left.

He hated it and said he was coming home and not going back after a week. But then said if she quit her college course, he would stay in the army. She went to college during the week, if he was still in the army he would not be able to see her in the week anyway - but still wanted her to quit.

It annoyed me because she actually considered doing it.

She told me about spending all her money - I never asked her to tell me.

EndofARainbow Wed 23-Jan-13 03:55:48

Chottie her dad wants nothing to do with her (we have been divorced for a long time)

He still lives in the same town, but if he sees her he will ignore her. She blames me for that.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 23-Jan-13 04:01:08

Sorry, follow her ex-boyfriend should have been followed the wishes of her ex-boyfriend.

Look, I get that she's making bad life decisions. And of course they're annoying. But she's an adult. She needs to be able to make her own bad decisions. That's what one's early twenties are for. All this about you've seen her friends' comments on her Facebook page is really bizarre to me, given her age.

If her living with you is contingent on her attending her course - especially if you're supporting her - then of course it's reasonable to ask her to leave, given the spurious reasons she's giving for not attending. But if she's a good housemate, pays her way, etc., then what on earth is it to you if Twitter blah blah Facebook blah blah he said she said? You know? Can't you just ask her not to involve you?

Chottie Wed 23-Jan-13 04:03:31

EndofARainbow That is so sad......

Is there anyone else she would listen to? I know your D is 24, but she sounds a very young 24. She is obviously not very happy at the moment, does she know what she wants to do with her life?

MollyMurphy Wed 23-Jan-13 04:22:16

Personally, I would stay out of her personal business entirely and just have a basic framework of expectations: a. You must go to college to live here b. you must have a job and pay some kind of rent c. You must be respectful of the property and clean up after yourself. that's it - anything else I would leave as her issues to deal with as an adult.

I don't see how not talking to her is helpful. the 20s can be hard...lots of newfound decision making and choices about the future. lend an ear, give gentle guidance where possible and hopefully you can have a positive influence and relationship for years to come.

MollyMurphy Wed 23-Jan-13 04:27:00

putting on the kettle and listening to her is not the same as becoming enmeshed in her personal life. Getting upset when she's sharing will not encourage her to come to you - and who else would you prefer she go to for advice but her mum?

Dottiespots Wed 23-Jan-13 04:43:06

Hi....I ageee with Chottie. I understand that you feel like telling her to leave but realistically....where would she go and how would she support herself. It is hard being in your twenties....old enough to be an adult but still young enough to feel like a child. Jobs are not easy to find...its the old need experience to get a job but need a job to get experience. Even though you see her as behaving in victim mode, in her world she is going through "stuff" and to her it is all very real. I have two in their very early twenties and at times I want to get angry with them and tell them that they have no idea but I bite my tongue and just treat them like a friend and try to guide them.

OhMerGerd Wed 23-Jan-13 05:10:48

It is hard isn't it when they take a little longer to grow up and all around you everyone else's of the same age seem to be flying solo. She knows you love her and aren't going to abandon her to the streets, shes secure in her little world, which is why she isn't taking responsibility for her actions and is in fact behaving like she's 14. Secure doesn't mean happy though and it sounds as if she has a pretty low self esteem and has lost her way a bit.
I know you're not just going to leave her to it. But you are going to have to help her along a bit and I'm afraid it's tough love time. 24 means she's had enough goes at the mummy supported learning thing. If she's this lackadaisical about it all is she even going to get a grade or a qualification worth having? She's just delaying the inevitable really and lessening her chances as she will be competing for jobs with younger a level qualified candidates- which is basically where she is.
So if she cant get herself to college and knuckle down ( you probably will have to fork out for her travel for the rest of term) It's off to work she goes. ANY WORK. Get the job pages open, go through with her the jobs she's qualified to do... There are plenty of ads for care assistants, cleaners etc and for someone living with mum with no bills to worry about there is no excuse not to take anything.
Oh and as for the boyfriend thing. Make it clear to both of them that quitting without a job is not an option while she lives with you. If he wants her waiting for him 24/7 he'd better start asking about married quarters as he obviously intends to keep her financially.

ZenNudist Wed 23-Jan-13 07:01:45

It sounds like you've given her too easy a ride for too long and she's become a over-entitled brat. (I'm sorry, it seems like this ends up your fault regardless, the joys of parenting!)

Kicking her out sounds tempting, perhaps just make it clear that she will be out on her ear if she doesn't go to college. Do not give her money to get to college, she can sell her ill-gotten stuff first, them get a job. It will be good for her to realise you can't just mooch of your parents forever. She's 24! She should have finished education and got a job by now. She sounds really immature (not your fault!) and perhaps needs a dose of reality to make her wake up to the fact that she needs to take responsibility for her own actions and stop blaming you, her uni, her friends and boyfriend for everything that's going wrong in her life.

ENormaSnob Wed 23-Jan-13 07:11:37

24 years old? shock

Agree with zen. I presume she is job hunting if she is no longer going to college?

Bearcrumble Wed 23-Jan-13 07:57:47

Listen to OhMaGerd.

Catchingmockingbirds Wed 23-Jan-13 08:12:28

She needs to grow up. I turned 25 last month, I have a DS and another dc on the way. I have my own house, an honours degree and once this LO is born will be getting married and finishing my masters. All my friends are a similar age and none live with their parents, I can't think of anyone I know that would still be sponging off their parents at 24 or acting this immature.

boredSAHMof4 Wed 23-Jan-13 08:21:45

Wrtthe 2 year college course she did first.was it an FE course to get qualifications to go to uni? did she complete that?
I am wondering whether she can't cope with /doesn't want to do a HE course and all tehse things (boyfriend/money/friendships) are a smoke screen to hide that.Did you push her into HE ?Maybe she would be happier with a job

Hyperballad Wed 23-Jan-13 08:27:32

Sounds like her self-esteem is pretty low. Her dad doesn't want her, her mum is furious with her. I don't think its surprising she is having problems with her friends, she probably can't trust/believe that they are true friends.

She is very immature, acting more like 17 than 24 but are there reasons for this?

I feel like a heart to heart is needed, sitting down with her and show a bit of tlc instead of anger and she might open up a bit.

I'd probably spend money on pointless shit too if I felt neither of my parents wanted me, my boyfriend away, fallen out with friends, at least a guitar and a few cd's would make me feel a bit better.

Of course I'm only going on your OP and there could be far more to a back story, but on the face of it I think she sounds rather misunderstood and I think she needs an arm around her shoulders not kicking out.

Mosman Wed 23-Jan-13 08:28:32

This was my yoiunger brother at 24.
Is she actually getting anything out of college ? Did she get good GCSE's and A'Levels because If not she should leave and get on with her life. Set her some goals and some deadlines. I know you won't kick her out because that's not what caring people do but she needs some tough love by the sounds of it.

Hyperballad Wed 23-Jan-13 08:31:46

(btw at 24 I had ran my own business for 2 years, was employing 7 people, own house and had paid my own way since the age of 18, so i don't have my opinion because I'm the same as your daughter!)

Callycat Wed 23-Jan-13 08:34:53

Seriously? When I read your title I thought you were going to say that she was violent, or stealing, or using drugs in your house. What you actually describe is annoying, sure, but not THAT big a deal.

I was a lot like this when I was 19, which is maybe why I'm a bit shocked at your level of fury. Don't write her off over a bit of immaturity: she sounds pretty unsure of herself already. She needs guidance, not you to chuck the towel in.

breathes

boredSAHMof4 Wed 23-Jan-13 08:35:41

well good for you Hyperballad Have a gold star!

marriedinwhite Wed 23-Jan-13 08:36:35

I too think this sounds sad. Why did the boyfriend want her to leave college so much? She's on her third course - does she actually enjoy studying? What are her ultimate aims? She sounds very young for her age and as though she needs emotional and practical support.

Is she perhaps the sort of girl who would be better off at work for a few years - even if it is in M&S or one of the supermarkets. That would give her structure and firm boundaries as well as the socialisation work brings from mixing with people of different ages who have seen a little more of life.

Hyperballad Wed 23-Jan-13 08:50:39

I take it that was sarcasm Bored?

Sorry if that sounded boastful, it really wasn't I just wanted to put my views in perspective.

I'm now a newly single mum, currently living on benefits, I take it you will now take back my gold star Bored?

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