to purposely not invite this girl?

(136 Posts)
LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:40:06

Whilst I was at uni I lived with 5 girls, there are 4 of us that still live in the same city. We all got on really well and it was like living with sisters.

One of the girl (who I was originally closest to as we went to college together and did the same course) the last year of uni would be a bit of a flake. We would organise a house night out and she would be up for it, but when it came to it she would make an excuse, we would go to the cinema regularly (Wednesday 2for1 with student pricing it would only cost £2) and not once did she come with us.

On the last week before we moved out she had persuaded me to go to the end of uni party (tickets cost £40), on the day she cancelled on me and so I didn't end up going. She had family problems.

I told her it was completely fine (although I was a bit upset), she then asked if I wanted to go out for lunch during the week as she was back in the house to pack up all her things to move home. I said I would love to but couldn't do the Monday or Tuesday but any of the other three days I would.

She never text me back and then wrote a group email on the Monday saying she has packed all her things up and wouldn't be going to the house again.

She also went on holiday for a week after she cancelled on the party because of family problems.

It really was the final straw to me.

I have since organised a meal (6 months later) with the girls in the house (apart from the one who doesn't live in the city) but I didn't bother to invite this girl. I heard through one of the girls afterwards that she had asked them if she had done something to offend them because she hadn't been invited.

I am now organising another dinner and have no plans to invite her. I have said to the other girls if they would like to invite her then I'm fine with that, but personally I'm not going to.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to make effort with people who wouldn't make the same effort with me and who most of the time can be a flake.

If she wanted to organise a dinner and invite everyone but me then I wouldn't mind, but the fact is she never organising anything anyway.

It's just I can't shake the feeling off that I'm being a bitch and being unreasonable.

I don't want to exclude her to hurt her, I just have no interest in a one way friendship.

cafecito Wed 23-Jan-13 03:38:19

agree with Amber et al.

OP - <whispers> ... grow up, perhaps?

problems don't have to be seen to be there, be it thyroid issues, anaemia, or whatever else could make her very tired, insomnia, anxiety, depression, or even other issues such as 'family problems' (when I am stressed, the last thing I want to do is go out), or relationship troubles (controlling OH in the background?) financial worries, or whatever.

That said, much as she has a right to decline an invite, if you really don't want her there, just don't invite her. I think you should invite her though.

EndofARainbow Wed 23-Jan-13 03:42:42

OP - <whispers> ... grow up, perhaps?

I think deciding to cut someone out of your life is quite grown up. If this woman has made no contact with the OP why should the OP bother?

Why should someone keep asking the same person over and over and over again to come out and get refused and then be expected to keep asking.

If I disliked someone it would be quite false and fake of me to invite them out.

cafecito Wed 23-Jan-13 03:54:26

ok fair point, I do advocate dumping toxic friends. I think that's mature and sensible. But is this girl toxic? It just seems to me like OP remembers little events that other people would just shrug off>

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 23-Jan-13 07:01:57

I think you are getting really unfair responses. Your 'friend' doesn't sound very nice at all - yanbu! Don't waste another thought on her. Good for you for saying enough - yanbu.

BinarySolo Wed 23-Jan-13 07:39:33

I had a very flaky friend when we were doing our a levels. I'd invite her to stuff and she'd always cancel last minute and it drove me insane. Thing is, I later found out her mum had cancer. I could have been much kinder at the time, but I was a self obsorbed teen who felt continually frustrated by her.

Maybe living together and socialising felt like you were in each others pockets too much? You say she had family problems yet you seem cold and unsympathetic. You can't always see the full picture, so as others have said kindness costs nothing.

It seems spiteful not to invite her, and worse to tell your other friends that you're not but they can if they want. So I do think yabu to not invite her.

Also, I did think from the title that this was going to be about a party for a 5 year old!

2rebecca Wed 23-Jan-13 08:55:58

When my mum had cancer and i was due to meet up with a group of friends I told them, that's what people do with their friends, they discuss their problems and if they'd love to meet up but can't for some reason they explain what's going on.
I don't see why the OP is the only one here expected to behave like an adult. This is a woman who used to be the OP's friend but has hardly been in touch recently and doesn't sound as though she is a friend any more. I feel no obligation to invite people who used to be my friend but who I haven't been in touch with for ages to things.
Friendship is a 2 way thing, if you want to stay someone's friend you have to make a bit of an effort, and if you arrange to meet up and can't then you apologise and discuss it properly.

MadBusLady Wed 23-Jan-13 08:57:15

Ok fine I'm a huge pathetic bitch who doesn't deserve friends and should lie in the road and do the world a favour.

Well, of course that is in no way a flouncy, immature thing to say. hmm

If you don't like her, cut her out. As you keep saying, you're a grown-up, it's your decision.

I can't help wondering if you're seeking reassurance about your motives here because you haven't got it from the other friends, or suspect you wouldn't.

TotallyBS Wed 23-Jan-13 09:08:50

OP - I had a 'friend' like that. She and the others would give me the dates that they couldn't make and their preferred venues. I would arrange the event accordingly. Then she would make some excuse and cancel on us.

After a few times I would just arrange the event around the dependable 'regulars'. If she came then great but if she didn't then I would merely have wasted 5 min sending her an email.

I suggest that you do the same.

katiecubs Wed 23-Jan-13 09:22:50

WTF?! Life is to short. If she doens't make an effort/you don't really like her that much anymore then stop inviting her. I seriously can't beleive most people think you should keep on flogging a dead horse.

And the girl/women thing - get a grip who cares!!

MadBusLady Wed 23-Jan-13 09:24:50

Thinking about it, I'd probably stop going to things if I sensed the person inviting me was keeping a score of my social failures and measuring my worth in terms of how much time they wasted writing emails to me, so maybe the problem will solve itself.

Habble Wed 23-Jan-13 09:31:02

I have to confess to being ridiculously flaky and I'm really embarrassed that I am. I would in no way be offended if someone stopped inviting me to things because it would be entirely my fault.

It is something I'm trying to change, as I know it's massively disrespectful to people. I've just become more antisocial as time's gone on and never want to commit to seeing people but conversely when I do go, I usually have a good time. It's entirely my problem though, and I'm amazed that there are still people who are willing to give me a chance.

MrsWolowitz Wed 23-Jan-13 09:46:00

I think YABU. Just invite her if theres no inconvience or expense to you if she bails. You say that she had family problems then go on to slag her off for not wanting to go out. You don't sound like a very nice friend.

On another note, I don't see the issue with saying 'girls'. DH will often say he's going out with the 'lads' or going for a pint with the 'boys' so I really don't see a difference. If someone doesn't like it then they can say women but its really not their business to correct other people who choose to say it.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 23-Jan-13 09:50:32

Habble - it's great you can see this about yourself and it would be good for you to change it as flaky people are so frustrating. I know someone who is actually really nice and when I have seen her its been lovely but she is so flaky and never makes the effort to get together that I and many others have given up on her and many dislike her now as she just never shows any 'effort'.

It's not a good way to be and reflects badly on that person.

Well, a flat share is a flat share. If you become friends, then great. I reckon she asked you to move in to make the numbers up? Financial decision, not friendshpi decision.

It sounds to me like she viewed your living arrangements as flatshare not friendship, and she had her other group of friends that she liked to spend time with. She is entitled to do that. You dont have to live in eachothers pockets just because you are flat mates.

I reckon she just did not like you very much at the end. She probably got to know you better after you moved in, and just did not "click" with you that much.

Move on. You are not her friend, and it seems you are just now realizing that she is not your friend either.

CrapBag Wed 23-Jan-13 09:59:24

How do you know she didn't have family problems? It sounds like up until the later time you knew her she wasn't like this. I am all for cutting friends that don't bother, but my friends did it to me when I was ill, they knew about it and I had been signed off work. I couldn't do the things they wanted to and I had to cancel if I was ill so they didn't really bother with me, unless it was the once in a 6 month period where they had absolutely nothing to do. I ditched them soon after they were my bridesmaids and made me feel like an outsider on my own hen night.

I agree with Amber, she could have anxiety problems. They can develop over time or after a traumatic event ie her family problems. I am finding these days I keep cancelling on things as they sound great at the time but I get so stressed when the event is coming up, I cancel and immediately feel better. Something that I think I am going to see my doctor about.

I think you are being too quick to cut her out and she obviously has noticed and doesn't think she has done anything wrong. I would invite her and if she doesn't come, then you are going anyway so what difference does it make?

MrsCR Wed 23-Jan-13 11:26:58

oh dear OP, is this your first AIBU?

Its all play ground stuff, ask her to come and be the bigger person, dont ask her and find peace with that decision.

its your call, your life, your decision - not everyone is going to like you and not everyone is going to be nice to you all the time - and that's OK! Because it works both way!

Friendship is a tough lesson, and today's lesson is GROW UP

TheMaskedHorror Wed 23-Jan-13 12:09:15

Yanbu.
I don't bother with people who don't bother with me. Why would anyone?

Crinkle77 Wed 23-Jan-13 12:15:27

How did she find out about the meal in the first place?

atthewelles Wed 23-Jan-13 12:37:12

You have told the others to invite her along if they want to. I think that's fair enough.

If you're feelling a bit guilty at the back of your mind, just invite her and give her one last chance to show she's grown up and developed a bit of consideration for other people. If she doesn't show up I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about not inviting her in future.

EldritchCleavage Wed 23-Jan-13 12:37:55

Well, I care about the girl/woman thing but OP, write as you see fit.

Can't gauge all the ins and outs, but I don't understand why you are asking, OP. You feel badly let down by this person and you don't like her anymore. In those circumstances, it's understandable you aren't inviting her to stuff. No problem, provided you aren't encouraging mutual friends to exclude her to suit you, but it doesn't sound as though you are.

Just be honest with your friends, if they ask, that you don't feel you and she are friends and don't want to pursue the connection anymore. They may find that harsh, unpleasant, bitchy, whatever. And you have to live with that, just as flake person has to live with you dropping her.

atthewelles Wed 23-Jan-13 13:24:04

PureQuintessence

Your post sounds a bit nasty and not in line with what was said in the OPs post.

Floggingmolly Wed 23-Jan-13 13:56:49

atthewelles, I don't agree, I think she got to the heart of the issue rather succinctly actually.

Neighbourhoodwatchbitch Wed 23-Jan-13 14:24:02

She must still talk to the other girls and keep in contact to have known in the first place... So for that reason you should invite her really.

atthewells, not meant in a nasty way at all!

But as a student, who opt to live outside halls, you need flatmates to help pay rent and bills. Sometimes you dont end up fab friends with the people you share with. Sometimes you even fall out! Sometimes you are happy when all decide to go to the cinema, so you can get the house on your own to dance around in, in your knickers and your bra! Or invite a boyfriend around in privacy. Sometimes you get so much of the people you share with that you need some space.

I have lived in so many different flat shares, during so many years as a student, I know it is nothing personal, but just a case of not necessarily wanting to spend as much time with all the flat mates. And not "clicking" so well with all.

I have also been a landlord to students, and I have often had to do new contracts because ONE flat mate wants to move on and new ones come in. It is life.

atthewelles Wed 23-Jan-13 14:49:23

Yes, but there was absolutely nothing in the post to indicate that's what happened. In fact it was the 'friend' who enquired as to why she was not invited to the dinner. The OP was perfectly prepared to move on and write off the friendship. You came up with this totally invented scenario in which the OP was presented in a pretty negative way, with absolutely nothing to back it up.
It did come across as a bit unpleasant.

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